Junk (25 page)

“How’s it going?” Lewis asked him on the evening before their big session with helpers. He set a cup of coffee down on the old library trolley Jasper had borrowed from work. He was now using the length of the trolley shelves to calculate how much space the books he was keeping were going to take up. “Your system working out?”

“Not bad. It’s going to take so long, though.” An hour just on one small pile of books, and there were so many around him, still. And so many more to come. That was a problem, as he’d already saved enough books to fill up half of the available shelf space in his hallway. At this rate, he’d have to have bookshelves in the kitchen too. Not ideal because of the steam and cooking smells, but then again, that had never really bothered him about the newspapers.

Was he getting fussy?

“We could work out some rules if you like. Something you could delegate to others to sort. Yusef said he could help out some evenings too, didn’t he?”

Evenings… Jasper glanced at his watch, then did a double take. “Bloody hell. No way is it seven thirty. What are you still doing here?” Because Lewis was pretty strict about leaving once his agreed working hours were over. A couple of times he’d stuck around for a quick handjob in the warehouse, but nothing more than that and Jasper hadn’t liked to press. Now though, Lewis had a funny look on his face. Kind of awkward and hopeful all at the same time. “Wait a minute, it’s Saturday. Shouldn’t you be out doing something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Seeing your friends?” What did your average gay man get up to on a Saturday night? Jasper only really had Mas for reference. “Clubbing?”

Lewis’s mouth twitched at one side. “It’s a bit early for clubbing, and I don’t go much these days, anyway.”

“Friends, then. Come on, you must have some.”

“Not many that are close, and the others I kind of lost contact with when I was with Carlos.”

“Oh. How come?”

Lewis shrugged unhappily. “I don’t know, really. Carlos didn’t really like my mates, and I never really gelled with his. It was easier just to stay in together most of the time. And then when he was away with work, I didn’t feel much like going out on my own. It’s not so bad during term time as a lot of my free time gets taken up with drama club rehearsals. It’s just summer break when I’m at a loose end.”

“So now you spend your Saturday nights hanging around in old warehouses?”

“Only when the company’s up to scratch. And anyway, I was hoping you might want to do something. Not tonight. I’m too knackered. But tomorrow. My, er, my parents have invited you over for lunch.” Lewis ducked his head and gave Jasper a look he could only interpret as bashful. “Nothing fancy. Just an average Sunday roast. Oh, except for the fact they’ve promised to keep their clothes on and not to spice up the gravy too much.”

“Oh.” Jasper blinked away the peculiar last sentence and tried to decipher Lewis’s reluctant delivery. No, he’d just have to ask. “Do you want me there?”

“I’m a bit worried that it might all be too much for you, what with the big clear-out and everything, but of course I want you there. If you want to be there. If you don’t, that’s fine too.” Now Lewis sounded overly defensive. Jasper caught himself going to crack his knuckles and made a conscious effort to keep his fingers flat on the pile of books.

“Sorry. You just don’t sound all that sure. I don’t want to embarrass you or anything.”

Lewis sighed and dipped his head farther. “It’s not you. It’s them. They’re weird. Both real characters, liable to say just about anything. You’ll be asked all sorts of inappropriate questions, believe me. Then they’ll start going on about how much freer life is without clothes on, and before you know it, they’ll be naked. You too, possibly. I don’t think I could bear it.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing. Seeing me naked.” Maybe that was why they’d not yet stripped off in their hurried, furtive fumblings. Was Lewis not that into his body?

“Oh God! No, not in that way. No, seeing you naked would be just fine. I’d rather not have it happen while my folks are there, though. That would be wrong.” Lewis shuddered. “Seriously wrong.”

Jasper breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay.” He could handle this.

“Okay, what?” Now Lewis looked really worried. It was kind of cute on him, that little frown.

“Okay, I’ll come, and okay, I promise to keep my clothes on.”

“Really? I did mention what they’re like, didn’t I? The chilli thing? The conversations about homoeroticism in literature? They’ve driven previous boyfriends running for the hills, I can tell you. Carlos always managed to find an excuse to turn down their invitations.”

“Yes, well, Carlos was a fool who couldn’t see what a good thing he had going.” It was then that Lewis’s exact words caught up with Jasper. Previous boyfriends. Did that mean Lewis considered him a boyfriend now? Hope opened up inside him and fluttered, like pages riffled by the breeze.

“Thanks.” Lewis finally raised his head and looked Jasper in the eye. “You might live to regret it, but thanks.”

When he reached out for Jasper’s hand, Jasper pulled him into a hug instead. It began all awkward angles and elbows, but eventually Lewis softened, melting against his body. Jasper tilted his head, aiming for Lewis’s lips. He brushed the barest of kisses over them, but Lewis’s eyelids quivered shut. Oh, that sight! It stole his breath and swelled his heart.

But then Lewis’s eyes sprang open. “I should leave. Big day tomorrow. Me and Carroll are going to arrive early, say eight? We want to get going before Yusef and his kids arrive. Then lunch at my folks at one. Then back to finish off the job in the afternoon.”

“You really think we’ll get it all done?”

Lewis drew off a few steps and threw his arms wide as if to take in all the surrounding piles and boxes. “Near enough. With that many pairs of hands, I’m convinced we can get all the downstairs and the landing finished. Maybe even a couple of the rooms upstairs. Just depends how energetic everyone’s feeling. Maybe I should make a motivational playlist for us all. What do you reckon? Bit of Dire Straits’
Money for Nothing
?
We’ve got to move these refrigerators…
” Lewis began singing. His voice was pleasantly husky but not particularly tuneful.

“No, God no. Where do you know that from? My dad used to play that.”

“Mine too.” Lewis grinned. “Hey, I could raid his record collection and add in some Fleetwood Mac. Or maybe I could ask Brandon for a bit of hardcore drum and bass. What do you reckon?”

Jasper grimaced at the thought of his peaceful house polluted by music. “I reckon silence is golden.”

“Spoilsport.” Lewis stuck his tongue out, but at least he was smiling. And even if he did make his excuses and head off home without anything more happening between them, at least there was the family dinner to look forward to.

It had been a very long time since Jasper had experienced anything of the sort. Should he buy a gift? A bottle of wine, perhaps? There was still time to get to the supermarket before they closed.

But as Jasper’s gaze roamed over the stacks of books an idea occurred to him. Oh yes, that would be much better than wine. With newfound purpose, he began scanning and categorising the pile in front of him.

The troops had arrived to help, and already Jasper was feeling paranoid. He tried to deny it, tried to hide away on the landing and leave the downstairs to the others, but they kept on coming up and trying to help out. This time it was Yusef.

“Hey, are you going to need all these doors unblocking like downstairs?”

“Not all of them. You can still get into the bedroom.”

“You want me to start it now? We’re all getting under each other’s feet in the living room, and your Lewis is working on the dining room door. I feel like a spare part.”

“Umm, okay.”
But please leave me in peace,
he held back from adding. Lewis had warned him he might feel like this, hadn’t he? Lewis had held him tight and spoken in a low voice, preparing him for the day ahead. Right before all the others had turned up and they’d had to step apart.

It had taken Lewis a solid hour to get the living room door open enough to start clearing in earnest, and Jasper had refused to enter the room until it was empty. He didn’t want to see that tunnel through the books again. He didn’t want to remember the tiny space surrounding his sofa, like an animal’s nest. What had once been comforting was now frightening. A sign of psychological progress, perhaps—the only trouble being he was even more terrified of what the rooms would be like empty.

As Jasper turned to place another handful of books in the box, he realised Yusef was still standing there.

Standing there and staring at Mama’s door.

“You’re leaving this one till last, then?”

“No, I—” But when he looked at where he’d begun working, in the far corner of the landing rather than clearing the way to it in a more logical fashion, Jasper realised that was exactly what he’d been doing. He dropped his gaze. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.”

Yusef steered his bulk through the maze of books and laid a hand on Jasper’s shoulder. “We’ll do it together, yes? You don’t have to be alone in this. You have friends. Good friends.”

“Thank you,” he whispered, scared to speak in case his voice gave up on him.

“Right, then. I’ll start on clearing here. No point emptying the rooms until the landing is clear, eh? We don’t want to be tripping up and bumping into things. I don’t know how you’ve coped with this for so long. Didn’t you get sick of the twisting and turning to get anywhere?”

“Kind of, but I just got used to it, I think.”

A protest rose in Jasper’s throat as Yusef began on the book piles in front of Mama’s door, but he swallowed it down. It had to be faced sometime soon, and like Yusef said, he was among friends. Besides, he definitely owed Yusef his cooperation after the man had closed the café and given up a day’s takings just to help him out.

Jasper stood, walked over, and began filling the rest of his box with the books from the pile next to Yusef’s.

Yusef smiled, and it was only when his hand gave Jasper’s a quick pat he realised how he was trembling.

He glanced up at the top of the door frame.

Mama, please forgive me.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Lewis first noticed the change in Jasper when he headed upstairs with their midmorning coffee. The cheery “How’s it going?” died in his throat when he saw the tense set of Jasper’s shoulders and the furrows in his brow. Worse than that, though, was the way his eye kept twitching. The way he’d started clicking his finger joints again, only stopping when Lewis came and took hold of his hands.

“What’s up?” he asked, softly. When Jasper didn’t answer, he glanced over at Yusef, who was busy muttering to himself over a box. “Yusef, I didn’t know how you took it, so your coffee’s downstairs,” he said, only half lying. Yasmina had told him exactly how her dad took his coffee, but he hadn’t wanted to carry too many at a time through the house. It might be clearer than it had been, but with boxes underfoot, it was even more deceptively hazardous. Now he was glad he’d left it behind, as it gave him a chance to talk to Jasper on his own.

“Okay, okay. I’ll leave you two lovebirds to it, shall I? I know when I’m not wanted.”

“Is he bothering you up here?” Lewis asked once Yusef had disappeared down the stairs. “I could find something for him to do downstairs if you’d rather.”

“No, it’s not that. I think I’d be worse on my own.”

“Jasper… You really don’t have to come to lunch if it scares you. You won’t hurt my feelings, I promise.”

“Lunch?” Jasper scrunched up his forehead in confusion; then understanding dawned, smoothing the lines back down again. “Oh God, lunch. I’d forgotten. No, lunch is fine. I’m looking forward to it.” The words sounded honest enough, but the smile Jasper gave was distinctly queasy looking.

“Okay, so if it’s not Yusef and it’s not the prospect of lunch with the Miller clan, what’s got you looking so tense? Finding it tougher than you’d imagined?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know. This is Mama’s room.” Jasper’s gaze met Lewis’s for a moment before skittering off again, but it was just long enough for him to see the fear lurking there. Fear, and something else that looked surprisingly like guilt.

No, not surprising, perhaps. The bereaved often experienced guilt about their loved ones. No doubt Jasper was running through a big list of “should haves” in his head.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Jasper shook his head but wouldn’t meet Lewis’s gaze. Okay, he might not want to talk, but he probably needed to. “Want me to help you out for a bit?”

“Would you?” Jasper’s voice vibrated with such need, Lewis almost took a step back. Oh God, it was just what he wanted and exactly what he dreaded. This need couldn’t last. It was a temporary side effect of the emotional upheaval, and when it passed, what would be left in its place? Jasper was the kind of man who would never break a promise, Lewis knew, so he’d probably stick around long after the infatuation ended and see Lewis for who he really was.

That idea was even worse than being abandoned. Being doomed to live on in a sick relationship, both pining for something they couldn’t have.