Junk (11 page)

Lewis blinked, and when he spoke again, his words sounded carefully chosen. “If you’d rather I didn’t use such an intimate item, that’s fine. We all have different personal boundaries about our possessions.”

“It’s not that! I’m not… God, I don’t have a hygiene obsession or anything. Far from it. I just, erm. I might have used it to…to…you know, erm…clean something up…” Jasper’s face burned, but fortunately, Lewis came to the rescue.

“It’s fine. I’ll be all right with just some dry clothes, honest.”

Jasper nodded, dizzy with the rush of oxygen to his brain. “I’ll get them for you. Hang on.”

The bathroom door would no longer close properly, and Jasper knew he should head downstairs to give Lewis some semblance of privacy, but when he started round the corner of books leading to the stairs, Lewis called out to him.

“How did you get on with the homework assignment?”

“I sort of… Well, not so good, really.”

“You couldn’t find one? It’s okay. You’ll get there eventually.”

“No. I couldn’t find one, but I’ve got five.”

“Five?” Lewis stuck his head around the door, revealing a slice of naked chest. His body was pale and sinewy, just as Jasper had imagined, but with a delicious fuzz of golden hair spanning between his pebbled nipples. Oh, he looked delectable. Made Jasper want to lick his lips, but then he’d be rumbled for ogling, assuming he hadn’t already been.

Jasper made himself look up at Lewis’s face. Uh-oh. Lewis was smirking. Not a full-on grin, but one of his cheeks sported a tell-tale dimple and his eyes sparkled.

“You said five,” Lewis said as Jasper stood there with his mouth open.

“Erm, yes. Five. Right. Oh yes, five books. Sorry. I know I was only meant to find one, but I’m sure you can help me decide which of these is
the one
.”

“That’s the kind of thing I’m here for.” Lewis disappeared back into the bathroom, and when he next opened the door he was fully clothed, much to Jasper’s simultaneous disappointment and relief. It was strange, seeing him in Jasper’s own clothes, his hair all wet and mussed up like he’d just taken a shower. The T-shirt was a little baggy on Lewis, but the jeans seemed to fit him well, so perhaps they weren’t so far apart in physique. This was how a boyfriend would get to see Lewis, Jasper realised with a pang. Swapping clothes and seeing him in all kinds of disarray. What would those golden locks look like first thing in the morning? What would it be like to wake up beside him?

More to the point, what would it be like to wake up beside another man? Thirty-three years old, and Jasper still didn’t know. How sad was that?

“You all right, Jasper?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know.”

“Well, that just about covers all the options.”

Jasper screwed his eyes shut in embarrassment. “You must think I’m terminally indecisive. I couldn’t even decide on one single sodding book over a whole weekend.”

“Hey.” Lewis’s hand landed on his arm and squeezed. “There are worse things than being indecisive about clutter. It usually just means you’re an intelligent and imaginative person who can see hundreds of different uses for things the rest of us dismiss as useless.”

“That’s definitely true. About the different uses for things, anyway.” Jasper snuck a peek at Lewis to see if he was making fun of him, but he looked earnest. Did he really believe Jasper was intelligent and imaginative? “But at the moment, the main use all these books are being put to is building blocks, and that isn’t right, is it?”

“Why do you say that?”

“It’s obvious, isn’t it? I can’t find the ones I want anymore. They could be anywhere, buried behind or under others. I had a system. I’m trying to keep it going, but there’s too many to cope with. And every time I think about clearing a room out and sorting it properly, I get exhausted. Where am I meant to clear them out to anyway? There’s nowhere for them to go. I’m not using the kitchen because I know… I just know—” Jasper swiped at his eyes with his fist. He wasn’t going to cry over this, because that would really cement him as pathetic, wouldn’t it?

“What would happen if you put them in the kitchen?” Lewis asked, his nonjudgmental voice quiet enough to calm Jasper down.

“I’d lose that room too. I wouldn’t be able to cook or even make a cup of tea. And all the food in my cupboards and fridge would rot because I couldn’t find the energy to move a few heaps of stupid books.”

“Do you often get tired when you think about sorting them out?”

“All the time. It’s exhausting.” He looked around at the books on the landing, and it hit him. This wasn’t a home anymore. This was a burden. The weight of all those hidden words, dragging him down until he could barely find the energy to read a sentence, let alone file a book correctly. “Just being here is exhausting. I go out running in the evenings just to get away from it. Funny how much more energy I get as soon as I’m out of the house. Can we do that now?”

“Go for a run?”

Was Lewis teasing him? “I meant get out of the house. Maybe down to Yusef’s?”

“Good idea. Looks like it’s stopped raining, so we can take the books down there with us and talk them through.” Lewis smiled, and gestured at the stairs. “You’ll have to go first. There’s no passing room.”

“Mama used to say you should never pass on the stairs.” Uh-oh. Where had that come from? He didn’t want to start talking about her again. Jasper turned and started down the stairs, hoping Lewis would forget the subject.

No such luck. “She was superstitious, then?”

“A bit. Sometimes.” A lot, really, but he didn’t want to pique Lewis’s interest. No doubt it would all go towards explaining why Jasper was so monumentally screwed up, but he wasn’t ready to hear that just yet.

But perhaps his tone had been sufficiently forbidding, because Lewis didn’t ask anything else, other than a brief enquiry about the books. “Shall I carry them, as you’ve already got your bag?”

Jasper hefted his overstuffed bag over his shoulder, almost knocking over a pile in the process. “Erm, are you sure? You shouldn’t have to.”

“It’s fine. I’m stronger than I look, honest.”

“You look pretty strong to me.”

“Thanks.” Lewis beamed. “I never seem to bulk up however much I work out, but I like to think I’m not a total wimp.”

“Not at all.” Jasper admired the breadth of Lewis’s shoulders and the wiry musculature visible in his forearms as he lifted the pile of bulky textbooks. “After you.”

Jasper had to squint when they got outside as the sun was now reflecting off the wet pavements, dazzling them both.

“Blimey, that’s bright.” Lewis shifted the books into a one-armed grip against his side and shaded his eyes with his free hand. “Wish I’d remembered to bring my shades with me.”

“Wish I knew where mine were. I think I might have some kind of goblin infestation.”

“Goblins?”

“Something keeps stealing my stuff, and I can’t see mice having any use for a pair of prescription sunglasses.”

Lewis chuckled, and as they fell into an easy conversation on the various bad habits of goblins, Jasper kept on sneaking glances at Lewis’s arms. His muscles bulged enticingly, just begging to be touched. Shame Jasper would never have the nerve to reach out and do it.

When they got to the café, Yusef was clearly having one of his grumpy days, but his face softened as he saw them both. “Jasper! You’ve come to eat some baklava, I hope. I hate having to throw it away at the end of the day. And you,” he said, turning to Lewis. “You need something to put some meat on your bones. None of this black coffee nonsense today, you hear me?”

“But I like it black.”

“You’ll like it more with milk. Trust me. I do it properly. None of this overcooked rubbish you get in your Starbucks or your Costas, where the milk gets scalded and they have to cover up the taste with all those nasty syrups. No, with Yusef you will get a velvety-rich milk, naturally sweet. I’ll do you a latté.”

Lewis shook his head a little but smiled sweetly and agreed.

Compliant
. That was kind of endearing, but worrying. The idea that someone might take advantage of Lewis’s urge to please. Yes, that was worrying. Jasper scowled as he ordered his usual.

“Yes,” Yusef continued, pointing at Jasper. “Here is a man who likes everything loaded with sugar. Perhaps you can work on that too with him. I hate to think of him getting diabetes because of my cooking.”

“I’m not a project,” Jasper said, annoyed. “I’ll look after my health myself, thanks.”

“You make sure you do, young man. I don’t want to lose another of my old friends.”

“Another?” Lewis asked.

“I had a letter this morning. My oldest friend, Murat. We were like brothers growing up. Closer than brothers as teenagers. He held a piece of my heart all these years.”

Oh God, Yusef was about to cry. Tears had begun welling up as he thumped his fist against his chest. “I’m so sorry,” Jasper began, but already Lewis was heading around to the other side of the counter and hugging Yusef. To Jasper’s amazement, Yusef hugged him back and sobbed into his neck.

“We weren’t brave enough to be together. And I loved my wife so much. But sometimes when I think of what could have been—” Yusef broke down again, his words incoherent.

So Yusef had loved another man too? That explained a lot. His easy acceptance of Jasper’s sexuality, for one thing. Jasper wished he could just walk around there and join in the hug, but he wasn’t like Lewis. He couldn’t just put himself forward like that. Best to stick to words, but it was so difficult to find comforting ones in a situation like this. Lewis wasn’t talking either. Just making gentle hushing noises, his eyes closed. Jasper couldn’t help but stare, mapping out the boyish contours of Lewis’s face. Now Jasper had got used to the texture of his skin, Lewis didn’t look his thirty years, not with his eyes shut. It was only when you could see the beatific wisdom shining out of them that you realised he was older than he appeared.

With a start, Jasper realised Lewis was returning his gaze.
Come here,
Lewis mouthed, beckoning.

Could he? Yes, of course he could. Especially if someone else was making the decision for him. Jasper stepped around the end of the counter and laid an arm over Yusef’s shoulders. Oh God. Now Yusef was sobbing into his neck. Jasper froze, then patted the big man’s back. That was how you comforted someone, wasn’t it? Hopefully he wasn’t doing it too hard. It wasn’t like Yusef was choking or anything.

Jasper was just starting to relax into the hug, when an arm wrapped around his waist. Not Yusef’s arm.

Jasper froze again. Lewis was hugging him.

He was officially taking part in his first group hug.

Tentatively, he moved his other arm up to round Lewis’s shoulders. He felt tiny compared to Yusef’s bulk, but warm and vibrant. Positively thrumming with energy. And now Jasper could smell him too. Some kind of earthy spice aftershave, or perhaps it was the scent of his shampoo, because now Lewis’s head was snuggling into the other side of his neck.

Oh God. How did this end? Three gay and/or bisexual blokes in a three-way hug. There’d better not be kissing. While the idea of kissing Lewis was extremely appealing, the thought of puckering up for Yusef made him want to run away. And Lewis kissing Yusef? No, that would be very bad indeed. What was the etiquette for extracting oneself from a group hug without causing offence? Jasper contemplated faking a coughing attack, but that didn’t seem terribly hygienic when standing behind the counter.

In the end, it was Ivy who saved him. Jasper recognised her as a regular customer in the charity shop, who always seemed to leave with a full basket. She bumbled into the coffee shop, setting off the bells over the door and giving them all time to separate and get themselves back on their respective sides of the counter while she fussed with her wheeled shopping basket.

“Here, let me help you,” Jasper offered, grabbing hold of the handle and lifting it up the two small steps by the door. The basket felt like it was full of bricks, and he glanced in the top to see an assortment of bric-a-brac, including a ceramic tiger. Whoever needed a two-foot-tall ceramic tiger?

“Oh, bless you. You are a dear. Oh, and you’re that young fellow I see in the shop sometimes, aren’t you? You remind me of my Daniel, you know.” She patted him fondly on the cheek before heading over to the counter and querulously enquiring about the soup of the day. Yusef seemed to have cheered up after their hug, and although his eyes were still suspiciously bright, he flirted with Ivy in that brusque way he always did with the female customers.

Jasper turned to see Lewis sitting at the corner table and went to join him. He didn’t want to talk about the hug, about the feelings it had stirred up, but fortunately there was the stack of books. Jasper laid them out on the table. “So, I have to choose one of these, do I?”

“If you want to. You could always choose more if that’s too difficult.”

“Get rid of two books?”

Lewis’s cheek dimpled. “
Re-home
two books. We’re not getting rid of anything. We’re moving it on to somewhere it can be better appreciated.”

“Yes. I suppose so.” Jasper stared down at his selection of titles.

One was a hefty anatomy textbook. The library had replaced it with a newer edition, as this one was looking pretty tired and dog-eared. There were a couple of statistics texts, filled with graphs in eye-strainingly small type, a book on self-sufficient gardening, and Sun Tzu’s
The Art of War.