Just Breathe (15 page)

“Holy shit.” He props himself up on his elbow and looks down at me. “You went through that whole thing by yourself? You didn’t talk to anyone about it?”

“If I had it to do over again, I’d definitely do it differently.” I sigh. “It sucked. All the pretending it was mutual, so I couldn’t be sad about it. Holding everything in. God, I hate faking things, but I didn’t know what to say. And then enough time went by, that it would have been weird to bring it up.”

“It wouldn’t have been weird. People deal with pain in their own ways. But what he did to you was cowardly, wrong, and selfish. You didn’t deserve that.”

His words stop my heart. I want them to be true, even though the tiniest, darkest corner of my mind still hides the self-doubt, keeping it safe to come out and torture myself with when I’m alone. The part of me that thinks maybe I did do something to drive him away. “Yeah.” I’m beginning to regret opening up about Jason. Dominic’s got to think I’m a loser now, just saying it wasn’t my fault to be polite.

“No, Elle. Look at me.”

I’ve been avoiding eye contact the whole time, unable to bear his gaze while I fill the observation deck with my secret shame. But I let him gently turn my head toward him, and I give him my gaze.

“You didn’t deserve that. There is nothing you could have ever done that could justify him doing that to you. Nothing.” His expression is fierce, but his eyes are tender.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

“And Jason is a fucking idiot for letting you go.”

The conviction in his voice melts any thoughts of Jason from my mind. Grabbing Dominic by the sweater, I pull him close, and our mouths come together in a kiss as brutal and raw as the truths we’ve just exposed. Though fully clothed, we’re emotionally naked, everything laid bare to one another. Vulnerable. Honest. Real.

I wiggle so he’s laying half-on top of me, pushing my back to the floor. Each press of my lip, every stroke of my tongue is answered in kind. His silky hair whispers across my face, as his hands brush down my body to the hem of my sweater. He pauses, as if asking for permission. I answer by tugging at his sweater, not waiting while he kneels up to slip it over his head. I rise up and reclaim his mouth as soon as it reappears, nipping at his lower lip. On our knees, he crushes me against him, stroking, kneading my lower back, and I moan as he draws my tongue into his mouth and lightly sucks it. I feel his hardness pressed against me, and I grind my hips over him. His breath hitches, and he gasps. Heat uncoils in my chest and pools deep in my lower belly.

I’m so ready for him.

Reaching between us, I paw at his belt, unbuckling it like my life depends on it. I’ve popped open three of the buttons of his fly, when he pulls back a bit.

“Wait,” he murmurs, but continues kissing me.

I open my eyes and pop open the last two buttons.

He pulls back and swallows, breathing as heavily as I am. “I wasn’t expecting this. I didn’t... bring anything.”

I whimper. I’m not on the pill. And it’s been so long, I don’t even have an emergency condom in my purse. FML.

“I take it, by your expression, that you’re not on the pill.”

I shake my head, unable to form words yet. Part of my brain wants to scream,
“I don’t care, just take me!
” But common sense prevails.

“Are you sure you don’t have anything?” I feel my lips pout, but am unable to stop them.

“Trust me. There’s no way we’d still be talking if I had anything.” He sits down with his knees bent and props his forearms on them.

I have no words. Is he going to be mad at me? Will he pressure me to have sex anyways, like that time with Jason when our last condom broke?

“Come here.” He opens his arms.

I go to him, and he lays us back, and tucks me against his side, with my head on his chest. His heart isn’t pounding like mine was a moment ago, but it’s still beating pretty fast. He twines his fingers in my hair, stroking a section. He smells so good.

“This is enough for tonight. I’m happy just being with you, Elle. It’s started,” he whispers, pointing to the lights streaking through the sky.

“Yes, it has.” I’m referring to something else completely.

Chapter Fifteen

“So how do you know Marie?” The slightly inebriated black-haired guy asks me.

“We go way back,” I answer with a tepid smile.

“Thas nice,” he slurs.

“Yup.” Her office had thrown her a going-away party, which had started way before I arrived. It’s not a party until you see an accounts exec vomit into a fake ficus. Marie’s in better shape, but only because she never turns down an opportunity to have the edge over her male coworkers. She said something about having a steady aim when plunging the knife into their careers.

They must sense fresh meat in me, because I haven’t had a moment alone since I got here forty-five minutes ago. I’ve kept my liquor intake to two glasses of wine so far, with water in between. I definitely want my wits about me in these shark-infested waters. Their loud voices ping the backs of my calves and flick my mind, making me twitch.

And they don’t shut up.

Where one voice ends, another begins. I need quiet.

Wandering to a deserted spot by the snack table, I get exactly three seconds of quiet before, “Hey, you don’t work here, do you?”

“Nope.” I face the blond guy who spoke. “But Marie and I go way back.”

“Awesome! Marie is fabulous, really livens up the place.”

Huh. I mean, yeah she is, but none of these guys particularly like her, mostly because she terrifies most of them. I’m sure they’d all give their right arm to get her into bed, but none of them respect her. This guy seems sincere about my friend. I take in the sparkle in his eyes and blond hair.

Is this Blondie? He is cute. I can see why Marie would go for him, at least on a temporary basis.

“I’m Brad.” He holds his hand out.

“I’m Elle.” I shake it.

“I need a smoke. Have fun tonight!”

“Thanks.”

He walks off, Marie sidles up. “So, you’ve met Blondie. What do you think?”

“He’s cute. Seems to like you.”

“Who doesn’t?” She fluffs her hair.

“Can I have everyone’s attention?” an older guy in a navy suit asks from the front of the room. Everyone immediately stops talking and turns to him, which means he’s Somebody. “Excellent. Marie has been with us for only a few short years, but has more than proven herself to be one of our most valuable assets. So I knew it had to be her working her unique brand of magic for us in the European branch.”

Everyone applauds.

“Marie, if you wouldn’t mind coming up and saying a few words?” He gestures for her to come to the front.

Someone yells, “Speech!” and others take up the chant.

She walks to the front of the room, smoothing her skirt, smiling at people.

“This transfer is an amazing opportunity for me and for the company. Opportunities are a funny thing. Sometimes they only happen once in your life, sometimes they repeat. But you’ve always got to grab them by the balls when they come around.

“And if any of you lot try to fuck with any of the things I’ve done to drag this company to the top while I’m gone, I will fly back and there will be some jobs and balls lost around here. Got it? It’s temporary. I will be back. Don’t think my absence means you can relax and get comfortable.”

“Well said!” the old guy beams, clapping. Everyone else claps too, but their smiles don’t reach their eyes. She’ll still have everyone hopping to do her bidding, even thousands of miles away. I love her.

Someone else stops at the front to have a word with her, and she laughs, scary eyes gone with the speech.

I turn to walk away, but a guy stands in my way, making me jump a bit; I didn’t hear him approach.

“Hey. I’m Val. Couldn’t help but notice...”

But I’m distracted from what he’s saying by a dreaded sight: Someone has brought speakers and an iPod and are about to play DJ.

Damn it.

The music starts. Horrible, pulsing, nightmarish music. Uneasiness shoots down my hips and thighs, resting in my knees, making them tremble. Annoyance cascades down my shoulders and back, skipping up and down my spine with every beat of the music. Every pulse of sound curls my toes and fingers tighter, forearms and calves on the verge of cramping. I try and fail to keep my eyes open; they squeeze shut, trying to protect one sense from the assault of the music. When I reopen my eyes, Marie’s at my side.

“Go,” she whispers. “My office.” She turns to Val. “Did you think you could get away with not dancing with me before I moved? Come on; let’s see if you’re as stiff on the dance floor as you are in your memos!”

She leads him onto the make-shift dance floor, and I make use of the distraction to slip away. I love her so much I could cry. But the music is still chasing me, driving me further toward turning into a squirming mess. Pace on the verge of running, I make it to Marie’s office and firmly close the door behind me.

The walls are thick, the door is heavy. It’s blissfully quiet, but my nerves are a tangled, jangling mess. My heart pounds, panic is creeping over me. I need to calm down. What can I do?

Dialling and hitting send on my cell before I can talk myself out of it, I sit on the edge of Marie’s desk. Why did I call him? This is so stupid. I’d hang up, but he’ll see it was me. Damn you, Call ID!

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me. Elle.”

Dominic’s laughter tickles the back of my head. “I know who ‘me’ is. How are you?”

“Not good. I’m stuck at Marie’s going away party at work, and they’re playing some terrible music. I’m feeling a bit stabby, but escape isn’t an option.”

“Staying for Marie. I admire your valour. Never fear, I will talk you through this,” he says with mock seriousness.

“I knew I called the right person.” His voice has already begun working at the snarls of my emotions, but I’m still feeling prickly, remnants of the songs stuck in my stomach.

“Okay, here’s what you need to do,” he continues. “Step one; barricade yourself in a safe room with the door closed.”

Amusement bubbles through my chest. “Done. I’m in Marie’s office.”

“Excellent. Now quick, phase two is critical to the plan’s success.”

“Okay.”

“It’s absolutely crucial you follow phase two to the letter. Do you understand?”

“Yes. What’s phase two?”

“Tell me what you’re wearing.”

I nearly fall off of the desk in surprise and giggle.

“There she is,” Dominic says warmly. “I didn’t like hearing that tension in your voice.”

Be still my shriveled, Grinchy heart.

“You, sir, are a hero.”

“All part of my charm.”

All part of your
voice.
I’m lucky he’s not here, or we might be busted doing
very
inappropriate things in Marie’s office—and that is so unlike me. Images of him and me on the observation deck flash through my mind like a sexy montage. Maybe I’m unlucky he’s not here.

“Keep talking. Tell me about your day. What are you up to?” I sink into Marie’s cushy leather chair.

“My day has been completely terrible.”

“Why do you sound so happy about it?”

“Because it got a hell of a lot better when my phone rang a minute ago.”

Awwww. “You are a charmer.”

“I try.”

“So? The rest of your day?”

“I would much rather talk about something else. I hate whining, and that’s pretty much all that would come out if we talked about my day.”

Mmm, I could sit here all night listening to him read the phone book, feeling my bones melt.

“Besides,” he continues, “I’d rather hear about your adventures. So you’re at Marie’s office?”

“Yes.”

“Are they all getting drunk and wildly inappropriate?”

“Yes.”

“Shall I come over there and we can get sloppy drunk, and take turns photocopying various parts of our anatomy?”

“I wish! No, I’m going to be getting out of here as soon as I can. I love her, but am not a fan of her coworkers. They’re all so...”

“Smart? Sexy?”

“Smarmy.”

“I was close!”

“Yes you were.” I smile.

“When does Marie leave?” His voice is gentle.

“The day after tomorrow.”

“I’ll be sure to call you then. If that’s okay.”

“That’s more than okay.” That will be a shitty day for me, and I’ll need support. He’ll probably forget anyways, but it’s nice he’s offered. “Guess I should get back out there.”

“Guess so.”

“Thanks for letting me borrow your voice.”

“Any time, beautiful.”

I click off, and spin the chair around a couple times, stopping to stare out the window. The city below shines its lights up toward where I sit in darkness. I feel like I’m beaming back at them. One more deep breath and I head back to the party, fortified by Dominic’s voice.

Chapter Sixteen

Being strong sucks. Marie’s checked in, and we’re getting a drink at the airport bar before she has to go through security. Airports have a rushy, buzzing sound that sits on my chest like a swarm of angry bees and feels like a panic attack about to happen. Or maybe it’s because my best friend is moving away for at least a year. But I breathe and take a long draw from my screwdriver. The orange juice is healthy, and the liquor is medicinal.

So far, I’ve managed not to cry into my drink, but I’m hanging on by a thread.

“You’ll be happy there, Marie. Make sure you text me all the time, and send me lots of pictures.”

“I will. I’m going to miss you.”

“I know. I’ll miss you too.” I’ve discovered that if I keep my voice soft, my heart won’t think it’s a sob, and I won’t bawl my eyes out in public.

“I can’t even think of anything cheeky to say,” Marie sniffs. “And that’s the most depressing thing of all.”

“It so is!”

“You slept with Dominic yet?”

“Marie!” I hiss, looking at the people around us.

“What? So, no then?”

“No!”

“Why not?”

“We’ve only been on a couple dates!”

She makes a face. “So? Elle, here’s something I’ve learned over the past few months: Just do it.”