Just Breathe (27 page)

Nick doesn’t work until tonight, and Kennedy has taken today off with me in solidarity. Maybe she just wanted to hang out and get high, either way I’m glad for the company. We were up smoking until after four in the morning, and I’m the first one up. It’s two p.m. I step out of the shower, towel off and lotion my skin, sensitive from the too-hot water.

My chest hurts from last night’s smoking binge, and I hacked up a gross amount of phlegm when I woke up. My body clearly doesn’t appreciate this relapse into smoking, but I’m past caring about what’s healthy. I relish the numbness the weed brings me, and the ache in my lungs gives me a nice distraction from the pain in my heart.

I’ve never understood people who self-mutilate more than I do right now. I’d never do it. But I understand it now. Wanting a break from the emotional pain so much that you’ll resort to physical pain just so you can focus on something else for a minute. Even that one minute would be the greatest relief in the world. Physical pain barely registers. I waxed everything yesterday and felt nothing.

Dominic’s betrayal so soon after all I’ve gone through with Jason has done me in. The near-miss with Jason again makes me sad, but it’s a relief I caught on sooner rather than later. It’s more emotional bullshit than I know how to deal with right now. I just never saw any of this coming.

Nick, Kennedy, and I have big plans. As soon as we’re all up, we’re going to start smoking weed, and we’re going to watch some action movies where people kick things and blow shit up, and the only feelings people get are angry, hungry, and stabby.

Pulling a fuzzy sweater over my damp head, I slide on a pair of yoga pants. The sweater is a warm hug, soothing me, bringing me a tiny measure of comfort. An irrational urge to rip it off and put something scratchy on comes over me, but I resist it, knowing it’s just self-flagellation, and won’t make me feel better.

Kennedy meets me at the coffee pot. “Hey.”

“Hi.” I grab the creamer from the fridge. “Still up for some ass kicking movie time?”

“You bet your ass!”

Nick walks in. “I’m in too! Let me jump in the shower first. Knock some stink off me.”

“Ew. Thanks for that visual,” I joke.

“Yeah.” Kennedy has a glint in her eye. “Thanks for the visual.”

We definitely meant vastly different things by that.

“Should I order a pizza or something?”

“That would be good.” Kennedy nods. “Get some wings too. They go good with action movies.”

“Too bad we can’t get beer delivered.” I’d like a beer or twelve.

“Well, we can always make a mercy run if need be.” She chugs her coffee. “I’m going to go start chopping the buds.”

“I’ll be right in as soon as I get some caffeine in my system. I hate waking and baking. Just makes me feel tired all day instead of nicely buzzed.”

“I know.” She walks into the living room. It’s nice they haven’t made a big deal about me smoking again. The last thing I need right now is a lecture or a big production to highlight my poor decisions in men. I fill the biggest mug I can find with cream and coffee and slurp a third of it back. Topping it up with more coffee, I walk into the living room and sit on the end of the couch by the window.

Kennedy’s listening to something that scratches across my mind like claws on a chalkboard. I shudder and whimper at her.

“Shit! Sorry, Elle.” She slips her headphones on and plugs them into the stereo. “I just want to hear this one song from their new album!” Her voice is way too loud because of the headphones, but I smile and give her a thumbs up, letting her know I don’t feel bad about being ignored.

It’s disgustingly beautiful outside. I’m not sure if a thunderstorm would improve my mood, but I’m positive that the obnoxious sunshine and the fluffy clouds annoy the crap out of me right now.

The scissors make a pleasant snick-snack slidey sound that travels up and down the backs of my thighs. Closing my eyes to savour another mouthful of coffee, I almost spit it out when I open them to see Dominic’s car pull up in front of the house.

Am I seeing things? What the actual fuck is he doing here?

He gets out of the car and purposefully strides up the walk.

His presence works better than the coffee – outrage slaps my synapses, fully waking me up. If he thinks I’m letting him in, he’s got another think coming!

Casually, so as not to alert Kennedy that Shit’s Going Down, I set my coffee down, and walk around the corner. I reach the door and step outside before he gets up the steps. A scowl paints my face as I pull the door mostly shut behind me and cross my arms.

“What are you doing here?” I’m not going to crumble. Focus on the anger, not the hurt. I can do this.

“Elle, I can’t believe you’d throw us away like we were nothing.” He looks more tired than I’ve ever seen him. Dishevelled, and I still want to wrap my arms around him and pretend the betrayal never happened.
Because that worked so well with Jason.

“I didn’t throw anything away. Don’t even try to blame me for anything. This is all on you. It’s over.”

He sighs, an angry exhalation. “Are we not going to talk about this?”

“About what?”

“So you were just going to break up with me by not breaking up with me? That sounds familiar for some reason.” His eyes are hard and hurt my heart.

But I have to stay strong. “Yeah, I know how much that sucks. But it’s not like you did nothing.”

“What are you talking about? I’m trying to figure out what I did, and I’m coming up blank, Elle. Help me understand. I thought everything was amazing, but then you stopped returning my phone calls out of nowhere.” He crosses his arms. “Then I see you on a date with your ex! I don’t know what to think, but I know something happened. But you won’t pick up the damned phone and tell me what’s going on!”

“Because you think I owe you an explanation? What, I should ignore what happened and just keep answering your calls? You think you deserve an answer, or my time, after what you did?”

“I didn’t do anything!”

“After all that, why would I answer your calls?”

“Why wouldn’t you?” He looks confused and hurt.

“Dominic, save your breath. I saw you.”

“Saw me
what?
”

“At Arland’s. With
her
. The night you blew me off for our date.”

“At... Oh, right. Well that—”

“The night you lied to me and said you were stuck at the office all night. You were clearly on a date, taking that woman to Arland’s with another couple. Really cozy. She’s beautiful, whoever she is. I hope you’ll be happy together.” Choking on the words, I move to get back in the house, because we’re done here and I need to go get really high now.

He walks up the steps.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m coming inside and we’re talking about this properly.”

“No we are not. We’re finished talking. I’m done.”

“I wasn’t on a date. I was at work.”

“You must think I’m a complete moron.” Incredulity sharpens my voice as he pushes past me into the house.

I rush in and block him from getting further than just inside the door, using my body as a barricade. “I did
not
invite you in. Do you think you can just barge in here—”

“The couple you saw are our clients. Anna and I were taking them out for a drink after work. We’d been—”

“Who’s Anna?”

“She’s a junior partner at the firm. We’d been stuck in litigation for thirteen hours, when the other side caved. The clients took us out to celebrate, and we couldn’t turn them down. It’s bad for business. I didn’t even want to go.”

“And I’m supposed to just believe that?”

“Did the couple look familiar?”

Yes, they had. “Maybe.”

“TM Investments. Ring a bell?”

Of course. They were taking their parent company on over...well. Something I can’t quite remember. But it’s been on the news.

“They hired my firm. It was a huge coup for us for them to have hired us. But the fact that we won? God, it’s a huge deal, a real victory.”

“I saw her kiss you. You guys were all over each other.”

“She was swept up in the moment. But we never kissed. I promise you.”

I think back to that night. Had they actually kissed? She ran at him, he twirled her around, and then she leaned in. Her hair was whipping around, Dominic’s feet stilled, and then my bus came. I didn’t actually see a kiss. “I don’t know.” My mind races. “You looked pretty chummy.”

“I can only imagine how bad it looked after my text.” His eyes are sad, his voice tinged with regret. “It went no further than that. But you’re right. It went further than it should have, and for that I’m sorry. But we were just celebrating with clients, and got carried away knowing we wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore. It’s been an exhausting month—I don’t have to tell you that.”

It makes sense when he says it like that. But doubt remains. “Is Anna really just a co-worker? You’re not making this up?”

He pulls out his phone.

“You don’t need to call her, that wouldn’t prove—”

“No, I’m not calling her.” He pokes at the touch screen, then shows it to me. It’s his firm’s website, inside the partner’s section. “Was this the woman you saw me with?”

Her hair’s neater and styled more severely in the photo, but it’s definitely the smoky brunette I saw him with. Her bio is right there. Anna Sutherland.

“So you weren’t on a date with someone else?” My heart thaws for the first time in a week and starts pounding with hope.

“No. I don’t want anyone else.” His incredulous eyes and adamant tone prove he’s either telling the truth, or the best actor ever. But I don’t think he’d look so torn up about losing me if he was cheating.

I lean against the wall, legs weak with relief.

“What about you?” His voice is hesitant as he makes careful eye contact. “Did you and Jason—”

“We didn’t anything.” Voice adamant, I shake my head. “He was a mistake, and thank God I realized it before it went too far. He’s safely back in the past where he belongs.”

Dominic steps forward. “So we’re okay?”

“We’re better than okay, if you can forgive me for being a dumb ass,” I reply, wrapping my arms around him. He holds me tenderly, drawing in a shaky breath. Breathing him in, I’m all too aware of how close I came to losing him, or rather, how close I came to throwing away the best relationship I’ve ever had. I squeeze him tighter, never wanting to let go.

“I hated you not answering my calls. Longest ten days of my life. It was... complete...” Dominic takes a deep breath, then another. “What’s that smell?”

Oh.
Shit.
Bong session in the living room.

The hope in my chest turns into panic. “Do you want to go somewhere, maybe—”

I gently angle him toward the door. My voice is silenced as he leans back and takes in the desperation on my face. He frowns and pulls out of my arms, striding toward the living room. I’m only a step behind, almost running into him when he abruptly stops. Legs shaky, I walk forward until I can see his face and the room.

“Elle, you want to hit this first in honour of that cheating... Oh.” Kennedy lowers the bong she’d held out, thinking the footsteps were mine, and removes her headphones. “Hey, Dominic.” Her face goes from surprised to seething. She defiantly stares at him, and lights up the bong, takes a massive hit, even for her. She still thinks he cheated on me, didn’t hear our conversation because of her music, and is actively trying to piss him off. She knows he’s anti-drug, but doesn’t care because of how she thinks he treated me.

She exhales her toke in one long breath. A smoky haze fills the room, swirling grey and blue in the sunlight shining through the window, contrasting with the bright colours of the walls. I don’t even know what to say. Dominic’s gaze flits around the room and I suddenly see it with his eyes. How bad it looks when you’ve never seen it before. How it looks in this context. The garish colours of the walls. Large pile of weed chopped up on the coffee table beside papers, lighters, and assorted paraphernalia. An extremely red-eyed roommate squinting up at us. The bong still smokes and looks comically huge. It’s not a living room: it’s reefer madness.

My heart goes into a freefall. Not like this. I never wanted him to find out like this. I swallow back the panic as best I can, and try to explain. “Dominic, I—”

“This is you too? What else do you do that you neglected to mention?” The flatness of his voice tenses all the muscles in my back and sends icy spikes through my knees.

“Nothing! It was me, but I’ve changed. I swear. I haven’t been—”

“You don’t owe him an explanation, Elle.” Kennedy’s voice is hard. “I’m surprised she even let you in here after what you did to her.”

“I didn’t do anything to her.” Dominic’s voice is flat steel.

“Kennedy, he didn’t cheat on me. It was a misunderstanding.”

“Yeah, right, she tripped and fell on his dick.” Her dark blue eyes are glacial. But it’s Dominic’s I’m searching for.

“Dominic, please look at me.” I’m inches away from crying. A few minutes ago he was the man who crushed me, cheated on me. The man whose memory I wanted to leave in oblivion. A minute ago I discovered the truth, and I had him back. My Dominic. He really is the genuinely good man I thought he was.

Only he’s looking at me as if he’s never seen me before. “How could you lie to me, Elle? You know how I feel about all of this.” He gestures around the room.

“No! I didn’t lie!”

“So you don’t do drugs then?” His bleak eyes stop me from touching him, though I want to grab him and never let go.

“It’s not like that. I used to, but only weed. And even then—”

“Hey, Elle.” Nick walks in still damp from the shower. “What’s going on?” He stares at Dominic as if trying to figure out who he is. I forgot they’d never been formally introduced. Now is not the time.

“I hardly smoke anymore, Dominic!”

“And that’s why Kennedy just offered it to you, sure you’d take it? You know what, save it. I’ve heard all the excuses before. This was your last time. One for the road. Peer pressure. You had a hard day. God. You’re just like
her
.” His ex. He turns and strides away, and I rush after him.