Just Breathe (26 page)

Yes! We’re starting over fresh, history behind us. We’re taking our time. There isn’t really a reason
not
to be together in every way.

So why is he alone in the shower while I sit here thinking of someone else?

I boot Dominic’s face from my mind and take a sip of water. No reason
at all
to not be together.

Except I’m still in love with Dominic.

The thought and realization roar through me, unable to be denied a moment longer. Shit. I can’t let Dominic’s betrayal push me back into Jason’s arms. Is that what I’m doing? Is Jason right for me, or is he convenient?

Even though he seems to really care about me, Jason still hurt me so deeply, so casually. So recently. Am I really over that? Could we build a relationship from foundations that shaky?
No big deal, Jason. You tore my heart out of my chest, but I’m still in love with my ex. Let’s ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

What kind of message does that send about how he can treat me? I’m such an idiot. We can’t do this. Maybe we can date, but we can’t just pick up where we left off. I need to get over Dominic, and really think about what I want. When Jason gets out of the shower, I’ll be straight with him. I’ll say, “Jason. If we’re going to have a future, I need some time apart to think about what I want. I’m not sure if you can be a part of my future—not while our past is all around, colouring everything we do. We have a lot of trust to rebuild. Dominic is still in my heart, and I can’t start something with you while on the rebound. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I need some time, and maybe... Let’s leave it at maybe for now.”

Yes. Leaning forward to set my glass on the coffee table, I twitch as Jason’s phone buzzes against the table.

On vibrate, cells sound like a depressed cow when they rattle against a table.

His screen lights up, displays the message. Curiosity killed the cat. It’s almost eleven. Bit late for a text? I glance at it.

Mandy: hey babe what r u up to tnite?

Babe? Wonder who this Mandy with the fast and loose attitude to grammar and spelling is, she seems pretty friendly. My fingers itch to grab his phone and scroll through their conversations, but I resist. What am I, an insecure high school girl? Besides, Jason and I have some trust to rebuild, and me going through his phone and reading his texts is the opposite of that. He may have left me once, but he didn’t cheat on me—not like Dominic.

Forcing him from my mind again, I grab at the TV remote just as Jason’s phone gets another text. The angle the screen’s at, I can see it perfectly.

Mandy: I miss you my love x

And now she’s got my attention. I grab the phone, and guiltily jerk a glance at the bathroom door. The shower stream is still going strong. What the hell is going on? Is this another woman? Has he been seeing someone else? No, she’s probably just a friend. Still...

Jason: Miss you too,
I type. Send.

There’s no air in the apartment, nothing to breathe. I side-eye the bathroom door, waiting for her response, flinching when the phone vibrates in my hand only a few seconds later. Mandy is eager to talk.

Mandy: when u comin home? Beds 2 big wo u in it with me ;)

Home? But he said he’d moved back. He got this place. Is... Is he planning on leaving here again? He wouldn’t bail on me twice, would he? What the hell is he up to?

Scrolling through the thread of their messages, going back months. I notice the difference in Jason’s communications to Mandy over the past month. Up until he came back here, it was a few messages a day; messages filled with endearments, and I love yous. They started talking two
weeks
after he left me.

Two weeks after he left me, I was still in denial. I hadn’t even begun to start crying over him. The missing air comes crashing back, sitting on top of my chest, the weight of all the nights I spent crying over Jason.

Until a short while ago, his texts were full of love. Then he tells her he has to leave town for work. After that, it changes. Her texts come just as frequently, but his don’t.

The truth kicks me in the mind. Christ, I could watch my skin crawl right now if I could tear my gaze from the phone’s small screen.

At least she got a few texts from him. It’s more than I got when he did it to me.

And now he’s doing it to her. She’s me a few short months ago, when I still had the blanket of delusion covering my eyes. She still thinks he’s
hers
, and that he’s coming back. But he’s not. I know for a fact he’s not. She is me. Past Elle.

Fuck that. My thumbs fly over the touch screen, typing her a message that I know he’ll never write.

Jason: Mandy, I’m not just working. I’ve moved back, but haven’t known how to tell you. I’ve been seeing my ex. You should move on. You deserve better than me.

Send. I switch his phone off. Maybe sending her a text was crossing a line. But I really can’t scrounge up enough give-a-fuck at the moment to feel even the tiniest bit sorry.

Impulsively, unrepentantly, I shove his phone deep into the cracks of the couch. Because fuck him. I don’t care if he never finds it. Who knows what he’ll say to Mandy if she calls him now. The smarmy, slippery bastard would probably talk her round in thirty seconds. I’ve heard of people being bad with confrontation, but this is next-level shit. The relief I feel shows me I shouldn’t be with Jason, and that on some level I knew that he isn’t the one for me.

But the outrage I feel over what he’s doing to Mandy is for me and for her. I know exactly how shitty it feels to be in her shoes. And I can’t get away fast enough.

Grabbing my purse, I angrily shove my trembling arms into the sleeves of my sweater and stalk over to the door.

“Where are you running off to?” Jason catches me before I can leave, voice playful. “We’ve got some time to make up.”

“What is wrong with you, Jason? Do you not have a heart or a
conscience
at all?” The glare I sling in his direction hits home, and he realizes I’m not playing around.

“Wait, you’re seriously leaving? Why? What the hell happened? I was only in the bathroom for like, ten minutes!”

“A little bird made me see sense, and thank fuck for that. I can’t believe how close I came to making the biggest mistake of my life!” I shove my foot into my boot and fumble with the zipper.

“Elle, what are you talking about? Can you just stop for a minute and talk to me?” Desperation tinges his voice, and he grabs my arm.

And I really think I need to yell at him.

I stop putting my boots on, slap his hand away, straighten up, and stare him down. “I know about Mandy.”

Oh his eyes.

Windows to the lying bastard’s soulless void. How could I have ever thought he’d changed?

“How did you—”

“Really? That’s the first thing you ask? The first thing out of your mouth is, ‘how did I find out?’”

“You’re right, that was a stupid question. You surprised me is all.”

“I surprised you?”

“Well, I wouldn’t have thought you’d go through my phone.”

I suck in a giant breath to scream at him.

He holds up a hand. “No, I can’t really blame you for invading my privacy like that. I’d do the same. Though I probably wouldn’t have gone out with me again if I was you. But that’s one thing I love about you, Elle. Your soft heart. Your compassion. It’s rare and beautiful.”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

He frowns. “I don’t understand the issue.”

“Oh my fucking god, Jason! I mean, our obvious history aside, you’ve been seeing someone who thinks you’re still dating! And you don’t think that’s a problem?”

“No. She’s just a girl I’ve been seeing. No biggie. You were seeing that suit who talked to you at the restaurant. I forgave you for that.”

What the hell did I ever see in this guy? “No biggie? Were you always this callous and I just didn’t see it, or did something happen to you? She’s a human being! You tell her you love her.”

“Not for a while. Long distance things never work anyways. And even if I’d have stayed there, it wasn’t working out between us. Besides, it was time to come home.”

“What is this? You didn’t like it there, so you come back and ditch her like you ditched me?”

“It’s different. She’s not you.” He steps forward, reaching out to run his hands up my arms. I shake them off. He continues talking. “You’re the one I want to be with. I thought I could move on, but I was just kidding myself.”

“Funny how I’m The One, but you were dating her two weeks after you left. You gave our relationship a two-week mourning period? That’s what I was worth? That’s how quickly you got over me?”

“I never said it was a good idea. Maybe it took me dating someone else to appreciate what I’d lost. I didn’t know what I had until it was gone. But I’ve gotten that out of my system, and I’m ready to settle down. You’re the only one I want. You’re the one. I see a future with you.”

His unmitigated arrogance makes me faint with anger and shame. He thought he could come waltzing back into my life, picking things up where we left off, regardless of what he’d done to me. And I proved him right. I let him back in. No wonder he kept phoning, texting me—he knew it was a matter of time before I caved.

I would have left here tonight, but he might have had the chance to worm his way back into my heart after I’d gotten over Dominic. Now no way.

Jason may have gotten his foot in the door, but I’m throwing myself against it as hard as I can. He’s not getting any further into my life.

“Why the hell would I want to be with you after all you’ve done?” I snap.

“Because I’ve changed. And you love me. I know what I did to you was wrong.” His casual tone contradicts every word that comes out of his mouth.

“Right. And you
learned
from what you did to me.” My voice drips with sarcasm.

“Yes. I’m a better person now.” He smiles, missing my sarcasm completely.

I swallow back laughter, or vomit—I can’t tell which it is. “If you really think that, then you’re even more messed up than I thought. It doesn’t matter that you think you’re better now, that it’s okay to do that to her because you want to be with me.
I’m
not okay with it. You’re still treating someone like shit, like her heart is disposable and her love is worthless. And if you think I could be with someone like that, then you don’t know me at all.”

I jam my other boot on and whip the zipper up.

“And I really don’t think you ever knew me, Jason.”

“Elle, walking out that door is a mistake.”

“Letting you walk back into my life was the mistake. But I’m done. Don’t ever contact me again.”

“Elle!”

I wrench open the door and walk down the hall as fast as I can without running. I may be an idiot for giving him a second chance, but I still have a shred of dignity left, and I won’t run away from him.

Anger corrodes my insides, eating my heart, dissolving tears before they form. Too furious to cry, I stomp into the elevator and punch the G button.

One disaster after another. My exes are nothing more than a liar’s club with pretty eyes. I am so done with dating; I narrowly avoided catastrophes getting entangled with either of those assholes. They both had me completely fooled. I am such a moron, incapable of judging character. Obviously I can’t sort the good ones from the bad.

Maybe they’re all bad.

And isn’t that a depressing thought.

I can’t get home fast enough. Maybe I’ll never leave the house again. A smoke-induced stupor is the answer to all my problems.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

“You have four new messages.”

Dominic: “Elle, please—”
Delete.

Dominic: “I don’t know what I did, but—”
Delete.

Dominic: “Please, just answer me—”
Delete.

Dominic: “Talk to me, let—”
Delete.

Fuck you, I will not talk to you, or give you a chance to lie to me some more. With each deletion, instead of feeling better, my heart freezes a little more in my chest, becoming a painful lump of ice, deadened and unfeeling.

The worst part is I
miss
him. I’d thought that it would be Jason’s second betrayal that would hurt more, but really I haven’t hurt over what he did. He hasn’t called, which only shows that he never gave a shit. Not really. But I simply don’t care enough about him anymore. He won’t get any tears from me; I cried myself out over him months ago.

But
Dominic.
He’s an open wound. It’s his face I need to block from my mind by smoking way too much. His voice, his eyes, his smile. His touch that—oh God, I can’t do this. My heart is a crumbling cavern, imploding from the pain. I need to freeze my feelings, and burn him out of my life. He’s gone and all that’s left in me is hurt.

And anger. He betrayed me so casually it makes me ill.

I squirt in a few eye drops to soothe my eyes and cover up the crying from Nick and Kennedy. I didn’t bother telling them about Jason’s second betrayal. It’s too tiresome. But I have told them everything about Dominic.

After bearing all of the pain from Jason for months alone, the look of horror, and compassion in their eyes was almost as painful as what Jason and Dominic had done to me. But hugs and words of encouragement helped, as did their righteous indignation on my behalf.

They bashed him, and Jason for good measure. I cried, they made me laugh, and then we all got really high.

Today’s Tuesday. I’ve called in sick to work. I told them I’d be back in three days, that I’ve got a bug or something. That it’s vicious and I need time to get over it.

It wasn’t quite a lie.