Just Breathe Again (16 page)

  “Twelve years of Catholic school, terrifying nuns, and mass every Sunday,” she said. The night was wonderful and when the grandfather clock chimed ten, Jeannie felt she had worn out her welcome. 

  “It’s ten o’clock already. Michael, we better hit the road soon,” she said.

  Michael was playing with their Dachshund and bobtail cat. He was in no hurry to leave.  Jeannie was so happy to give him a few hours of happiness that night.

  “Let’s plan on getting together again,” said Kane. “I enjoyed this tonight. This visit was good for us. I want Carmen to have family around her. There’s nothing better, you know?” he smiled at Jeannie. 

  Jeannie felt warmth she had not felt in a long time. She was alive and becoming the old Jeannie again. She was afraid it would leave when she pulled out of the driveway to go home and face her reality. 

  Kane walked her into the kitchen, which was on her way to the driveway.

  “I had a splendid time tonight, as well. Thank you for the dinner and the marvelous company.” Jeannie smiled, looking up into Kane’s eyes and seeing kindness and sincerity.  He watched her for a moment in silence.

  “We needed this dinner tonight, Jeannie. I haven’t smiled since Katherine died last year. It’s been hard on me, and even harder on Carmen. I’m sorry for the questions. She is a very curious girl, always has been. And since she found out her dad was dead, I have been dealing with a lot. I know it’s not as much as what you have been dealing with, but it’s been difficult to say the least.” Kane didn’t want to stop talking. Jeannie looked into his eyes and saw the pain and concern still there. He too had a loss just as deep to him as Vince was to Jeannie.

       “It was a shock when Vince’s phone rang and a young girl on the other end asked for him. I thought he had a young girlfriend coming out of the woodwork. Do you know what happened with Vince and Katherine?” asked Jeannie, trying to get information on how this took place.

   “I know that Katherine was dating Vince when he met you. The day he broke up with her she found out she was pregnant with Carmen. We had met at a country club event and started a relationship again. We had dated earlier before Vince was in the picture. Katherine was my high school sweetheart. We broke up when we both were accepted to different colleges.” 

 “And you knew she was pregnant?” asked Jeannie, curious to know the true story.

  “Well, we started dating again. She said she was just dumped. She told me Vince broke her heart and met someone new. It didn’t take us long to become a couple again. We became inseparable. I was so happy to have her back in my life. I wasn’t over her when we broke up the first time. About a month into our rekindled relationship she told me she found out she was pregnant. Knowing that we had not done that yet, I knew the baby wasn’t mine. She said it was Vince’s, and she made the decision to not tell him and I agreed to marry her and raise the baby as my own. We moved to Washington, D. C. and I was elected as a Representative three years out of college. When she gave birth to Carmen, I adopted her, and we raised her without Vince in the picture. Was the decision right that we did that? No. If I knew what a great a guy he was I wouldn’t have agreed to what happened. I know if Carmen was my baby, I would want to know. Though, we were happy with the way life was.” 

  “When did you tell Carmen about Vince?” asked Jeannie.

  “We didn’t tell her until recently. Katherine and I tried to have more children. She had such a hard time with Carmen, it was impossible we were told. Knowing Carmen would not have any family or siblings other than the two of us saddened her. Katherine heard he died and had two more children. The secret we kept upset her that we hadn’t told Carmen. And believe me, Vince did not know about Carmen,” Kane reassured Jeannie. One of Jeannie’s biggest fear’s being he knew and didn’t tell her.  

  There was laughter in the front living room as Michael played with the animals and Carmen was talking on her cell phone. Jeannie smiled at Michael and he smiled back. She loved seeing his smile.

  “Do you want coffee? I’d like to keep talking about this, if you don’t mind,” he said standing. 

  “It’s late, we should be going,” said Jeannie, hesitantly.

  “You’re fine. I have nowhere to be tomorrow since its Saturday,” he said, not wanting her to leave.  

 “Okay. I’ll take you up on the offer. Just cream, please,” said Jeannie.

  “Would you like your cream steamed?” Kane smiled.

  “Well, I have never been asked that before. I guess steamed would be good.” Jeanie couldn’t help but laugh at him.

  While Kane made their coffees out of some expensive looking coffee maker, he kept talking. 

  “At the funeral, Carmen had no idea who he was. I’m sure you didn’t see them. Katherine snuck in the back. Six months later, Katherine and I sat Carmen down and told her everything. She was so mad at us of course. We couldn’t blame her for being angry. She yelled and screamed at both Katherine and I and took off to a friend’s house. When she came back home in two days, we tried to explain to her why we did what we did, and she forgave us a little.” Kane took a sip of his coffee and kept talking. Jeannie decided she might as well sit down, and took a seat at the counter in the kitchen. 

  “When she took off, she headed up to where you lived. That’s the address she had for Vince. She longed to be a part of him. Carmen found out someone else lived in your house and she couldn’t find out anything else. She came back home, and then Katherine died,” he said, starting to cry. He reached for a paper towel to wipe his eyes. Jeannie started to cry with him and he handed her one as well. 

  “I’m sorry. I’m still devastated at what happened to my wife,” he apologized.

  “You don’t have to apologize to me, Kane. I have been crying for years. Missing them doesn’t ever get easy.” Jeannie laced her fingers around her coffee cup and met his gaze. Tears stung her eyes.

  “No. I miss her so much. Her death was an unexpected shock. I was at work and I get this call from Katherine’s mother to come home at once. I aged twenty years. I flew home and had to go and get Carmen from college and tell her Katherine died. I still can’t get over the fact she’s gone. I didn’t get to tell her bye or kiss her one last time. She died in the park, running. I still have her clothes and perfume in our room like she didn’t leave. I can still see Carmen’s face that day when I told her that her mother died. She screamed a horrible scream. She and her mother were so close. They were like best friends. Her death was unbearable for Carmen. They had argued that morning and Carmen hung up on her. I forget what it was over, clothes or something silly. With Carmen in college, they still spoke on the phone everyday sometimes twice. They always got into little arguments and would forget why they were fighting in five minutes. This time they didn’t get to make up, and that bothers Carmen. Is the pain easier when you can say goodbye to someone?” he asked.

  “No, and yes. It was horrible knowing Vince was going to die, but his heart was still beating. He didn’t say goodbye to me. I said goodbye to him. With Lydia, I didn’t want to accept the fact that my sixteen year old daughter was dying in front of my eyes. It would have been easier if she left without me knowing. When your child dies it’s a lot different than when your spouse dies. It’s something you can’t explain.” 

  “I remember that morning, not saying I love you to Katherine. I flew to D.C. and rushed out of the house, late as usual. Katherine tried to help me get my lunch and notes together, and I snapped at her. I forgot to kiss her goodbye. I still can’t get over the guilt,” said Kane. 

  “Death is a mystery to me still. I have gone through death twice now and I still don’t understand. First, I don’t understand how God could have taken my husband and second, my child.” 

  “I know Jeannie, I was so angry at God for the longest time. Carmen too, and we both blamed God for what happened. It’s human nature to blame him when our life doesn’t make sense, and we don’t understand,” he said. He sat in front of her talking and sipping his coffee. His eyes were beautiful crystal blue.

  “Do you feel different?” Jeannie asked.

  “Yes, I do. I have come a long way this year and instead of being angry with God, I decided to pray and make him show me why this happened. Praying seemed to bring me to a better place.”

  “I haven’t gotten to that place, yet. I’m still trying to get there, if I ever do.”

  “It took work and a lot of trips to my church to talk to Father and my psychiatrist.” 

  “I don’t know if I’m ready. I’m still pretty angry at God.”

  “I know. I was too Jeannie. The anger will subside eventually.” He reached out and touched her hand, wrapped around the coffee cup.

  “Well, I guess I better go, or my friend, Marsha, will send out a search party. She’s protective of me,” said Jeannie, taking the last sip of coffee and grabbing her purse once again.

  “Michael, let’s go, buddy. We have a long drive home,” she said.

  “Thank you again for this evening, Kane. I enjoyed getting out,” said Jeannie. She shifted her weight as she stood in her wedge shoes. She wasn’t use to wearing heels in a while and her feet were killing her.

  “Thank you, Jeannie. I look forward to seeing you again,” he said. He stared at her and she blushed.

  “Yes, I have Carmen’s number and I’ll give her a call so you can come over next time. I would love for you to meet Marsha and John and Lydia’s best friend, Steven. Carmen, you would adore him.”

  “That’s sounds great, Jeannie,” he winked at her. It surprised her when a rush of heat rose through her.

  Jeannie pulled into the moonlit night with promises to stay in touch, and a good feeling about the two people that came into her life unexpectedly. 

Chapter 15

T
he weeks passed as Jeannie settled into another job through the temporary agency. Her new placement was working for a newspaper. She loved the excitement of news breaking in their small town and keeping busy. Still she did not like having to be committed to a job and not being able to spend time with Michael like she used too. She needed to accept the fact, those days were over forever. She was a single woman and needed to work in order to support her and her son. They still lived with Marsha and John and hoped to get out of there soon and into their own apartment. 

  Marriage was getting a more complicated with Marsha and John. Jeannie was afraid it was the pressure of having her live there with them and Marsha assured her their problems were there for a while. Their marriage had been going downhill for years, and they have kept Johns infidelity hidden from everyone. It was a complicated mess. Jeannie heard them fighting one night while she was lying in bed trying to get to sleep. 

  “I have to leave tomorrow for business. You knew this for a month,” yelled John.

  “My ass, business. You are seeing her. Be honest for once in your goddamn life,” Marsha yelled back.

  “Get over it, Marsha. You know she’s in the picture. I have been honest with you. Yes, I have business and yes, she will be with me,” he yelled again.

  “Why do you do this to me? It kills me when I know you are with her.”

  “I don’t know what to tell you. Get yourself a boyfriend too. Getting laid might do you good,” he yelled again.

  “Kiss my ass. Why don’t you just divorce me, then you can be with her and your child.”

  “I can’t. She’s married too. I love you and could not live without you.”

  “You are one sick bastard. Do you know how insane you sound? You can’t have your cake and eat it too, you know?”

  “Why not? People screw around all the time. You know it’s not 1969? Get with the times.”

  “Get with life, John. Have a few morals. What do you tell your daughter when you have to leave her and go to your wife?”

  “She’s young enough to know Daddy has to leave, and he always comes back.”

  “Daddy, isn’t that fucking sweet. Go fuck yourself, John, and get out of my face.”

  Jeannie heard a car door slam and John screeched out the driveway. 

  The fights were getting worse, and the tension, incredible. Jeannie needed to find a new place to live.  

  When she knew the coast was clear and John had left, she checked on Marsha.

  Jeannie saw she was outside as usual sitting on the back porch drinking wine and listening to Janis, crying.

  “Hey, sweetie are you okay?” asked Jeannie.

    “I’m sorry you had to hear our heated discussion,” she said, pouring more wine into her glass. 

  “It’s nothing I haven’t heard before. The fights sounds like they’re getting worse.”

  “You’re right. It’s getting worse and I don’t know how much more I can take. You look around and see this beautiful house that should be full of love and happiness. It’s becoming a house of horrors. I need to make tough decisions soon. I just don’t want to give up yet, Jeannie. Maybe I should just accept he’s in love with someone else and cope with it the best I can.”

  “I’m going to move out so it’ll help,” said Jeannie, sipping wine.

  “Shut up, Jeannie. This has been going on for years. You being here has made the tension a little better. I’m going to go see my mom for a while in California.  I haven’t seen her and I miss her. Maybe stay out for a couple weeks.” 

  “Getting away might do you good, and I can try to find my own place once you are gone.”

  “I don’t want you to leave. You could stay here forever if it was up to me.”

  “I know, but I need to get out of the basement soon. The memories are too hard to face.” 

  “You know you could move into the guest house. It would give me something to do with my time and excuse to fix it up. Where’s Michael?” Marsha stood up to go to the kitchen for more wine.

  “He’s asleep. He had football practice today, and he’s worn out.”  

  “Is he doing better?” Marsha stood up and went to the kitchen for another glass. She poured Jeannie a glass and they continued to talk.