Just Crazy (21 page)

I start reading.

 

Kittens, puppies and ponies:
the TRUE story
by Andy Griffiths

Once upon a time there was a magical kingdom called Lovelyville.
Everything was lovely in Lovelyville. The people were lovely, the weather was lovely and the animals were lovely. There were no horrible spiders, poisonous snakes or giant cockroaches.

No. There were none of these things.

Just lovely animals like kittens, puppies and ponies. They played and frolicked and scampered around in the meadows causing no harm to anybody.

One day, one of the kittens had an idea.

‘I know,' she said, ‘let's go around to all the townspeople and give them each a big hug!'

‘What a good idea!' said a pony. ‘We could give them rides as well!'

‘And lick their faces!' said a puppy.

‘Yes!' said the kitten. ‘Let's do it right now!'

And so all the animals set off.

The first house they came to belonged to Mr White.

He opened the door and saw all the kittens, puppies and ponies of Lovelyville on his doorstep.

‘Hello!' said the kitten. ‘We've come to give you a big hug!'

Now the animals didn't know it, but Mr White was the only unlovely person in Lovelyville and he had only one thing on his evil mind that morning — who was he going to test his new PULVERISING AND MASHING MACHINE™ on? He couldn't believe his good luck.

‘Well,' he said, ‘what a nice surprise! Won't you all please come inside?'

The animals went inside.

Mr White shut the door and locked it. He rubbed his hands.

‘Prepare to die!' he said. He pulled a cord and a heavy black curtain parted to reveal his
insanely evil PULVERISING AND MASHING MACHINE™.

The animals gasped.

In front of them was a bath-tub and suspended above it were two giant pistons. On the end of one piston was what looked like a giant potato masher, and on the other a giant pitchfork.

The animals were very frightened.

‘Who's going to be first?' said Mr White.

The kitten gulped.

‘Take me and let the others go free!' she begged.

‘And deprive me of a wonderful morning's entertainment?' said Mr White. ‘You must be mad! I intend to pulverise and mash all of you! And then I will turn my PULVERISING AND MASHING MACHINE™ to work upon the whole of Lovelyville! I will not be happy until I have popped the head of every lovely person, mashed the petals of every
lovely flower and crushed every single lovely thing in this lovely, lovely land!'

And on saying this he reached out and grabbed all the animals, threw them into his machine and pressed the on button.

It was incredible. Bits and pieces of kittens, puppies and ponies went flying everywhere as the twin pulverisers and mashers went to work and the blood and guts and fur went all over Mr White and filled up the house and he drowned and then the house blew apart and a tidal wave of blood and guts flooded out over the whole town, and everybody got drowned and those who didn't got sucked into the PULVERISING AND MASHING MACHINE™ and got pulverised and mashed, every last lovely person — every last lovely animal, every last lovely vegetable and mineral — all mashed beyond recognition, all pulverised beyond belief,
every last bit of loveliness crushed, killed and destroyed.

And the town was renamed BLOODYVILLE and nobody ever went there again because the smell was so bad that anybody who smelt it died instantly.

The End.

I put the story down.

Danny's eyes are wide. His mouth is frozen open. He's staring at me in horror.

‘Danny?' I say. ‘Danny? Are you all right?'

He can hardly talk. I've obviously really freaked him out. He points at me.

‘It's just a story, Danny,' I say. ‘It didn't really happen.'

I look closer at him.

He's not pointing at me at all. He's pointing over my shoulder.

I turn.

Oh no.

Lisa is standing behind me. She's crying. And not just crying. I mean sobbing. Tears are streaming down her cheeks. She must have heard the whole thing.

‘Those poor animals,' she sobs. ‘They didn't deserve that. It was so cruel. Such a cruel, heartless thing to do.'

‘Um . . . err . . . ah,' I stutter. ‘It's just a story'.

I know this is a pathetic answer, but I don't know what else to say. I've blown it. Really blown it.

‘Did you write it?' sobs Lisa.

What can I say? She's going to hate me if I admit it's mine. I don't want her to hate me. There's only one thing I can do. Lie.

‘No,' I say. ‘It's not my story.'

‘It's not?' she sobs.

Danny frowns.

‘But . . .' he says.

‘No!' I say. ‘I swear on my mother's grave that I didn't write it!'

‘But your mother's not dead, is she?' says Lisa.

‘My grandmother's grave,' I say.

‘But she's not dead either,' says Danny. ‘She lives in Mildura and . . .'

‘Well, actually no, Danny,' I lie. ‘I forgot to tell you that she died.'

‘She was okay last week,' says Danny.

‘It was very sudden,' I say. ‘She just got sick and died. It happens, you know.'

‘Oh,' says Danny ‘I'm sorry.'

‘So am I,' says Lisa.

‘Yeah, well, never mind,' I say, ‘but I swear on my grandmother's extremely freshly dug grave that I did not write that story.'

‘Then if you didn't,' says Lisa. ‘Who did?'

I point at Danny.

‘It was him!' I say.

Danny looks alarmed.

‘Me?' says Danny. ‘But . . .'

Lisa turns to Danny.

Boy, he's really in for it now. Lisa loves animals.

‘That's the saddest story I've ever heard,' says Lisa, her eyes shining through her tears. ‘So sad, so moving . . . so cruel and yet . . . so beautiful. You're a very talented writer, Danny.'

What? She likes it? But she was crying. I thought she hated it! I'll never understand girls.

But I can't tell her that I wrote it now. I can't go back on my lie. Especially when I just swore on my grandmother's grave. I know my grandmother's not really dead, but to admit that would only make me a double liar. The only thing to do is to try and take some of the credit.

‘It was my idea,' I say. ‘I helped him.'