Just Crazy (19 page)

Boy? She called me a boy. That must mean that . . . I look down at my body. I'm not a goldfish anymore. Thank goodness.

‘You have a visitor,' says Mum.

‘Who?' I say.

‘Danny,' she says.

‘No!' I yell. ‘Not Danny! Keep him away from me!'

But it's too late — he's already in.

I can see his nostrils flaring.

I can see his fingers.

I know where they've been.

‘Hi, Andy,' he says.

I scream.

‘What on earth is the matter with you?' says Mum.

‘Matter?' I say. ‘I'll tell you what's the matter! He ate Goldie . . . then his head came off and a whole army of mini-Dannys attacked me and then he became a giant and ripped the roof off the house and ate me and then picked me out of his nose and tried to eat me again . . .'

Mum and Danny are laughing.

‘Sounds like you've been having a bad dream,' says Mum. ‘But you're awake now.'

‘But am I?' I say. ‘How can I be sure? Every time I think I'm awake the dream starts up again!'

‘I had one of those once,' says Danny. ‘I kept dreaming I was eating donuts. Millions and millions and millions of them. And every time I woke up I'd just be eating more donuts . . . it was really cool.'

I scream again.

Mum sits on the side of my bed and strokes my head.

‘Calm down, Andy,' she says. ‘You're really awake now.'

‘I am?' I say.

‘Yes,' she says. ‘There's nothing to worry about.'

But I'm not so sure. Something doesn't feel right.

I look at the goldfish bowl. Goldie's missing!

A bolt of fear shoots down my spine.

I point to the empty bowl.

‘If I'm awake,' I say, ‘then where's Goldie?'

Danny steps forward.

‘There she is!' he says.

Goldie is flipping around on the carpet. Danny picks her up and puts her back in the bowl.

‘There,' says Mum. ‘See? Danny didn't hurt Goldie — he saved her. She must have jumped out of the bowl.'

But I'm still scared.

I don't trust Danny.

‘I don't know, Mum,' I say. ‘How do we know that he didn't already have her in his stomach and he just burped her up, put her
on the carpet and pretended to save her?'

Danny laughs.

‘What are you on about?' he says.

‘That's a very good question, Danny,' says Mum, getting up off my bed.

‘Don't leave me, Mum!' I plead. ‘Don't leave me alone with him!'

‘Don't be ridiculous,' says Mum.

She leaves the room.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe I really am awake.

Maybe the dream really is over.

I look over at Danny.

My stomach drops.

He's pressing his face up against Goldie's bowl. He's got his hand above it and is following Goldie around with his fingers.

‘Here fishy, fishy, fishy,' he says. ‘Here fishy, fishy, fishy.'

'm sitting in the gym listening to Mr Rowe drone on and on. Mr Rowe is the deputy head. He only gets to conduct whole school assemblies once or twice a year, and when he does, he makes the most of it.

It's time some of you took a good long look at yourselves in a mirror,' says Mr Rowe. ‘Ask yourselves if you like what you see. Listen to yourselves speak. Ask yourselves if you like what you hear. There are no such words as “gunna” and “youse”. . .'

I wish he'd hurry up and get to the most important bit. The announcement of the winner of the school short-story competition.

The reason I'm looking forward to this is
because the winner is going to be me.

How do I know?

It's simple.

Because I've written a story that is a surefire winner. The judges are going to love it.

I usually write stories full of action, explosions, monsters and guns. But I never win. The judges always go for the boring soppy stuff. So this year I've decided to give them exactly what they want. I've written the boringest, soppiest story in the world. Plus it has a happy ending. It can't fail.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm not proud of this story.

I just wrote it because it's the only way to win the competition. And the only reason I want to win the competition is to impress Lisa Mackney. She is always going on about books and writers and how she wants to be a famous author one day, so I figure the best way to get her to take me seriously is to win the competition.

When Lisa sees me win the competition she's going to realise once and for all what a deeply thoughtful, poetic and sensitive person I really am.

Danny leans across.

‘When am I going to get to read your story?' he whispers.

‘I don't think it's really the sort of story you'd like, Dan,' I say.

‘But that's not fair,' says Danny. ‘I showed you mine. I won't laugh. I promise.'

‘You really want to read it?' I say.

‘Yes!' says Danny.

I pull a copy of my story out of my pocket and pass it to him.

Up until now I haven't shown it to anybody. I've kept it strictly top secret. I couldn't take the risk that somebody else might steal my idea and try to pass it off as their own.

Danny takes the story. I read it over his shoulder, just to make sure that it's as bad as I remember.

Kittens, puppies and ponies by Andy Griffiths

Once upon a time there was a magical kingdom called Lovelyville. Everything was lovely in Lovelyville. The people were lovely,
the weather was lovely and the animals were lovely. There were no horrible spiders, poisonous snakes or giant cockroaches.

No. There were none of these things.

Just lovely animals like kittens, puppies and ponies. They played and frolicked and scampered around in the meadows causing no harm to anybody.

One day, one of the kittens had an idea.

‘I know,' she said, ‘let's go around to all the townspeople and give them each a big hug!'

‘What a good idea!' said a pony. ‘We could give them rides as well!'

‘And lick their faces!' said a puppy.

‘Yes!' said the kitten. ‘Let's do it right now!'

And so all the animals set off.

The first house they came to belonged to Mr White.

He opened the door and saw all the kittens and puppies and ponies of Lovelyville on his doorstep.

‘Hello!' said the kitten. ‘We've come to give you a big hug!'

Mr White looked at the playful, scampering group – their sleek well-groomed bodies shining in the morning sun — and his heart was gladdened. The kitten jumped up into his arms and hugged him. The puppy leaped up and licked his face. The pony came forward and Mr White climbed onto its back and went for a ride, tears of joy pouring down his face. And the animals didn't stop there. They kept going until they'd hugged and licked and given rides to every last person in Lovelyville.

‘What a lovely day we've had!' said the kitten.