Just Crazy (25 page)

‘Hurry up, Andy!' says Dad.

‘I'm trying to!' I yell, ‘but the window is stuck.'

‘Just break it!' pleads Dad. ‘I'll replace it later! We have to get those overalls!'

I can hardly see anything. The mud is washing off my hair and into my eyes. It must be even worse for Dad because all my mud is washing off me and down onto him. I wipe my eyes and try to work out how to break the window.

I'm just about to karate chop it when I hear a noise. A car is pulling up alongside us.

I look over my shoulder.

Uh-oh.

It's Mr Bainbridge. Dad's boss.

He's getting out of the passenger side of the car.

The car is being driven by Mrs Bainbridge.

‘Andy?' says Mr Bainbridge.

‘Who is that?' says Dad, turning around to see.

‘No!' I scream. ‘Don't turn around!'

But it's too late.

I teeter on his shoulders as he turns. Dad puts his hands up to steady me. I grab them.

‘Aagghh!' says Mr Bainbridge.

‘Aagghh!' says Dad.

‘Cover your eyes, dear!' yells Mr Bainbridge, running around to the driver's side of the car to stand in front of Mrs Bainbridge's window.

Now don't get me wrong, but I'm not too worried about the Bainbridge's seeing
me
in the nude. It's happened so many times now that it's almost routine, but I feel for Dad. This is his first time ever.

‘So this is where he gets it from,' says Mr Bainbridge. ‘Like father, like son!'

‘I'm very sorry, Mr Bainbridge,' says Dad. ‘I know this seems highly irregular but I can assure you there is a very good reason . . .'

Mr Bainbridge puts up his hand.

‘Don't waste my time and your breath,' he says. ‘As you well know I am a man of high standards and I demand the same from my employees. I do not expect to come to work and find them naked, covered in mud and performing acrobatics in the driveway. I've come to expect this sort of behaviour from your feral son, but for a man of your age and in your position it is inexcusable! I will not tolerate it. You are fired.'

‘But Mr Bainbridge,' splutters Dad. ‘I . . . I . . . I . . .'

Poor Dad. He's struggling here. He's obviously not as used to making up excuses as I am.

‘It's okay, Dad,' I say ‘I'll handle this.'

I look down at Mr Bainbridge.

‘You can't fire my dad!' I say.

‘And why not?' says Mr Bainbridge.

‘Because this isn't really happening,' I say.

‘Not happening?' says Mr Bainbridge. ‘What are you talking about?'

‘It's a hallucination,' I say. ‘You've been working very hard lately. We're just products of your confused mind. You should get back in the car, go home and have a good long lie-down . . .'

‘That'll do, Andy,' says Dad.

‘Don't listen to him, Mr Bainbridge,' I yell. ‘He's a hallucination. He doesn't know what he's talking about.'

‘No, Andy,' says Dad, ‘no more lies.'

Dad bends down and lowers me to the ground. He stands up straight, and faces Mr Bainbridge.

‘Mr Bainbridge,' he says, ‘I don't mind at all that you've fired me, because you've just saved me the trouble of quitting.'

Mr Bainbridge gasps in shock. So do I.
And so does Mrs Bainbridge, who is peeking out from behind Mr Bainbridge.

‘You see,' says Dad, ‘I realised something about myself this morning. I realised that I've been living a half-life. A safe life. A boring life. A life of too much responsibility and not enough fun. Not enough danger.'

What is Dad on about? Obviously the stress of being locked out of his house without any clothes on has driven him over the edge.

‘Dad,' I say, ‘do you know what you're saying? Are you crazy?'

‘Yes,' says Dad, putting his arm around my shoulders. ‘I'm crazy all right. Crazy for life! I want to take more chances, climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sun-sets. Life's too short to waste, Andy. You, me, Mum and Jen — we're going to escape this rat-race. We're going to leave the city. We're going to live off the land — in the wild — in the raw.'

‘We are?!' I say.

‘Yes,' says Dad, sweeping his arm through the air. ‘We don't need all . . . this! Come on, son, let's get out of here.'

‘But, Dad,' I say, ‘what about the overalls?'

Dad kneels down and picks up a fresh
handful of mud and starts slapping it all over himself.

‘Overalls?' he says. ‘Who needs overalls when we've got mud?'

‘But the key,' I say. ‘We haven't got the key.'

‘We don't need a key,' he says. ‘We'll climb onto the roof and go down the chimney like we should have done in the first place! It'll be a challenge. And, more importantly, it will be fun!'

He slaps a few more handfuls of mud carelessly across his body and marches off down the drive, not even looking back.

It's stopped raining. The clouds have broken up and golden rays of light illuminate my dad, highlighting every muscle in his body. He looks stronger than I ever imagined he could.

Mr and Mrs Bainbridge are just staring, slack-jawed.

I give them a shrug and run after my dad.

Well, what else can I do?

I'm a little worried about how our new life is going to work exactly, and what Mum and Jen are going to think about it when they get back home, but speaking for myself, I think it sounds kind of fun.

Crazy, but fun.

WHAT PEOPLE SAID ABOUT
JUST TRICKING!

‘Mad, fun and way out there!'
DISNEY ADVENTURES

‘Entertaining tales of pranks and mischief will have the kids giggling with delight'
THE AGE

‘Just Tricking!
with its anarchic, irreverent style has few literary pretensions. It is a book to read for fun'
MAGPIES

WHAT PEOPLE SAID ABOUT
JUST ANNOYING!

‘Over the top tales from a born story-teller'
MAGPIES

‘The stories are far-fetched and imaginative — every young trickster will love them'
AUSTRALIAN BOOKSELLER AND PUBLISHER

‘Original, funny and lots of fun'
SUNDAY MAIL (Brisbane)

‘This boy needs some discipline!'
SUN-HERALD (Sydney)

‘Children aren't going to learn much of any benefit from this book — in fact, they may pick up a few tricks you wish they'd never learnt'
CAIRNS POST

WHAT PEOPLE SAID ABOUT
JUST STUPID!

‘Another beauty'
COURIER MAIL

‘Exaggerated, over-the-top, lunatic humour'
VIEWPOINT

‘Short, sharp, witty stories'
PAGES & PAGES

‘Highly original, hilarious and hysterically stupid tales'
THE INDEPENDENT READER

‘Andy's version of anarchy'
MAGPIES

WHAT PEOPLE SAID ABOUT
STINKY STORIES
(illustrated by Jeff Raglus)

‘Four books which will rocket scratch-and-sniff into the new millenium'
THE GEELONG ADVERTISER

‘So revolting kids will clamour for them'
THE AGE

‘They fall into the horrible end of the good taste spectrum'
TWEED HEADS DAILY NEWS

‘Aromatherapy humour for kids'
THE SUNDAY AGE

JUST TRICKING!
By Andy Griffiths
Illustrated by Terry Denton

Is this the right book for you?
Take the TRICKING TEST and find out.

 

YES	NO
		Do you ever pretend that you are dead to get out of going to school?
		Do you like to ring people you know and pretend to be someone else?
		Do you leave banana skins in the middle of busy footpaths?
		Do you own any of the following items: fake dog poo, rubber vomit, gorilla suit?
		Do you wish that every day could be April Fools' Day?