Just Go (21 page)

“I don’t understand, Annaliese. What’re you talking about?” she manages through her tears. I look at my father and raise my eyebrows at him.

“I think that’s something that you and Dad need to talk about, Mom. I’ll let you guys know when I land safely tomorrow. I have to go pack,” I say, kissing my mom goodbye and pushing past my dad.

The entire drive back to my apartment I let the tears roll, making a promise to myself that by the time I get home I won’t shed another tear over this. He isn’t man enough to live up to his word, my father is an asshole who’s been lying to my family all these years, and I’m about ready to uproot everything I know and move to a city to start a job I’m not certain I even want anymore.

By the time I get home, Gabby has the boxes out and has already started packing. She’s blaring music and has a bottle of wine and tub of ice cream sitting on the counter, both already started.

“Hey,” I say closing the door and setting my things on the side table nearby.

“You don’t have to do that. I’m leaving most of it with you anyway, Gab.” I say walking over to where she’s started packing my things. “I’ll be back in a few weeks for my car, and I can get the rest then.”

“I know, I know. I just… I have to help somehow. I have to do something. Sitting here in silence waiting for you to get back was depressing. So I broke out the good shit and started packing.” She shrugs and takes a drink of her wine.

“Well, good shit it is,” I smile, taking her glass from her. “Come on, we need to pack my closet. I can’t show up in shorts and a tank top on my first day of teaching.”

“Oh God,” she whines as we start picking out my clothes to pack. “You’re not gonna turn into one of those teacher styles, with cardigans and pants are you? Oh, Annie,” she whines and starts to laugh. “God, I can’t picture you as that! Please, bring skirts, and dresses, and, for the love of God, please take your heels.”

I laugh as she lists off all the things I have to bring along, and before I know it she’s taken over packing my three suitcases full of the necessities. She grimaces when I tell her not to worry about the sexy underwear though.

“A girl needs to feel sexy, even if her pussy isn’t getting any.” She laughs and throws them in the bag.

Great, just what I need.

Chapter 20

Adam

*Three Months Later*

“Jesus Christ, A. Why don’t you just go after her already? You’re such a fucking idiot,” Benton grumbles sitting on my living room couch. Everywhere the man sits he acts like he owns the fucking place. He puts his feet on my coffee table like it didn’t cost me two thousand dollars, and kicks back, making himself at home while his daughter sleeps in the bouncer next to him.

“Knock it off, B. I told you, it wouldn’t work,” I warn him with a sideways glance that I’m not about to talk to him about her.

I can’t talk about her. It hurts too bad.

To say he was pissed when he finally realized what I did is an understatement. It was about three weeks after Carly died that he finally put two and two together, and I wore a nice shiner for about two weeks after that.

Did I deserve it? Probably. I was an asshole to her, and a pussy for telling her to leave.

Do I love her still? Absolutely. Just thinking about her hurts. It’s like there’s a hole in my chest where her love for me resided, and when she left, the hole started growing, like a black hole. Taking all of my energy, passion, and care for anything. She fucking told me she loved me and I just stared at her. I still remember the massive blow to my heart when she spat those words at me. God, I can still feel her anger, her sadness, and each time I think about it, I fall deeper and deeper into this depression.

I couldn’t tell you what’s been going on at Carson and Lewis. I’ve showed up for work, locked myself in my office, and played with stocks and under the table betting all day, every day. I’ve lost some money in the process, but it doesn’t bother me. I can’t find anything I’m passionate about anymore because the only thing I had true passion for is five hours away, living her dream.

“Dude, seriously. You’re miserable to be around. I fucking lost my wife and don’t look as bad as you do,” he says in all honesty.

He’s right. It took him a couple months, but he’s finally back to his old self for the most part. Maybe it’s the fact that he has a tiny baby to take care of now, or maybe the fact that the doctors finally put him on Prozac to help his mood swings, but I see a glimpse of the old Benton more and more recently.

The baby starts to cry and he goes to her while shaking his head at me.

“I don’t get you, man. You’d rather put yourself through misery every damn day, just so the chance of something happening to you like happened to me doesn’t come up. It makes no fucking sense.” He picks her up and starts gently bouncing her around to calm her. I smile at his actions. He’s got this fathering thing down.

“One of these days your daughter’s gonna catch onto that language, you know,” I say as I watch him walk her around the room. “She’s gonna need to come to Uncle Adam just to get away from it.”

That makes him laugh and smile.

“Right, because you’re such a great role model. You push away everything you love and enjoy.”

“I said drop it, man.” I sigh and stand up. “Aren’t you supposed to be going out tonight?” I ask, taking Hannah from his arms.

“Yeah. I uh… I’ll be out all night. Probably won’t be back till tomorrow. My parents are picking her up in the morning. You sure you’re cool with her?”

“Absolutely. We need to bond, right?” I ask her. She giggles and smiles at me. “She loves her Uncle Adam.”

“Right. So then bottles are in the fridge, warm them up—"

“I know, B. I’ve watched her plenty of times. Go… have a break from this. You need it,” I say, forcing him out the door. He kisses her goodbye and leaves us to ourselves.

Nights like this have happened a lot lately, but I don’t mind it. I like the company of a baby, and Hannah’s one of the best babies I’ve ever seen. It took me seeing Benton holding her, looking at her with all of his love, to realize that going through with the adoption was exactly what he needed. The agency wasn’t too thrilled with it at first, and his parents are still skeptical, but he’s determined to prove everyone wrong.

I put Hannah on a blanket on the floor and Thor comes barreling in the room to play with her. He’s surprisingly good with her, and she loves watching him. She’s started giggling recently, so watching her laugh at Thor is pretty much what we do when she visits. I never wanted kids, but seeing the bond that Benton already has with her makes me think that it wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

The thought of kids brings me back to Annaliese, and how much my heart and mind miss her. I dream of her every night, and can still smell her on my pillows, even though they’ve been washed multiple times in the last months. I can’t stop jerking off to my memory of her because I can’t fathom putting my dick in someone else after I’ve felt what it’s like being inside of her. I miss her so much it physically hurts, and there are days I don’t even get out of bed. I thought it’d get easier after time, but it seems to be getting harder and harder as the days go on. The one photo I had of her on my phone was deleted when I heard she actually left town. I was pissed, but I had no right to be. She did just what I told her to do.

I still remember the words I told her:
There’s nothing between us.

It hurts just thinking about it, so I don’t. Instead I watch Hannah every chance I get, I go out with my sister on the other nights. I’m certain she’s getting tired of me, but I need something to do, and fucking women randomly just doesn’t feel right.

My heart still belongs to Annaliese.

I want to fix it; I wish I could, but too much time’s gone by. I said too many irreversible things to her.

All I can hope is that she’s happy, because at least then I’ll feel like I made the right choice.

“Hey, asshole,” my sister’s voice echo’s through the apartment.

“Sorry, Hannah, you’re surrounded by foulmouthed adults,” I say to her in the baby voice I’ve adapted so well these last few months. She smiles and laughs which brings a hint of a smile to my face.

“Dude, again?” my sister asks, walking to grab a drink before coming to the living room. “Don’t you watch her every weekend?”

“Yeah, but I don’t care. I love this little baby,” I scoop her up and feel a small amount of warmth in my chest, knowing it’s the love I have for Hannah and nothing more. When her dad picks her up, the black hole will be back, I’m certain of it.

“She at least makes you smile,” she grumbles taking a drink of her beer.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I’m fully aware of my mood lately, but I’ve been trying to act normal around my sister. Apparently it didn’t work.

“You’ve been an… a… a meanie.” She gives me a smartass grin and cocks her head. “Ever since you let Annaliese go, you’ve been a different person. Someone who’s crazy depressing to be around.”

“So why do you keep coming around, then, Bug?” I ask, exasperated that this conversation keeps coming up with my friends and family. “I’ll be fine without you.”

“Whatever, jerk-face. You wouldn’t last a day without me or Benton here to bust your balls. And honestly, Mom and Dad put me on suicide watch, so you’re stuck with me,” she says and grins as I throw one of Hannah’s baby toys at her.

“Not funny, Bug. I’m not suicidal,” I grumble, though at times I think it’d be easier than living with this regret every day. I’d never actually do it though.

“Right. You sure have us fooled,” she scoffs.

“Well believe it. Nothing’s gonna change, so you better believe it and start having a life again. I’m not going anywhere,” I tell her, then head into the kitchen to make a bottle for Hannah.

Feeding her, I watch her little fingers wrap around mine and smile.

“You would’ve made a great dad, Adam,” my sister whispers as Hannah finishes her bottle. “You’ve been staring at her this whole time, like there’s nothing else in the world. You could’ve had that.” She shakes her head and mumbles something about me being stupid.

“I still can, you know,” I whisper, not believing my own words.

“Right. I know you. You don’t love often, Adam. Both times you’ve sent them away.”

“Both? I never sent away Dianne. She did that on her own.”

“I’m not talking about her, and you know it.”

I do know it, but I choose not to think about it. Ever. It used to hurt, knowing the woman I broke up with to move to the city to start my own company ended up married, happily, with kids and never looked back. Now that I know the hurt I’ve caused myself with Annaliese, though, that pain doesn’t seem too bad anymore.

“How do you know all of this, Bug?” I never told a soul about her.

“Little sisters know things, Adam. I spent my childhood admiring you, watching you, and learning from you. I know love when I see it, and I never saw it again until you met Annaliese.”

She smiles sadly at me and shrugs.

“I know, Bug,” I sigh. “I know.”

“So what’re you gonna do about it?!” she yells, which makes Hannah jump in her sleep and I give my sister the death glare before standing to walk Hannah back to sleep.

“Nothing. There’s nothing to do little sis.”

“Bull. It’s never too late, Adam.” She stands and kisses Hannah’s cheek on her way to the door. “I wish I could help you, big bro, but this is something you need to fix on your own. And you better damn well fix it. I’m tired of watching over your moping ass.”

Then she makes her grand exit, leaving me with a sleeping baby and my own thoughts. Typically on alone nights, I drink myself to sleep to help numb the sadness, but not being able to do that tonight is going to suck. Majorly. I put Hannah in her pack and play and turn on the TV, trying to watch mindless shows to take my mind off of Annaliese.

It’s stupid how mad at myself I am, and even more stupid how stubborn I am. I should’ve followed her. Hell, I never should’ve told her to go, but I did. And then I had the audacity to be angry when she actually left. The week after she left, I almost bought a plane ticket to go see her, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. She probably hates me.

Most nights I fall asleep wishing for one more chance to make it right. But she’s already given me all my chances.

***

The next morning around ten, Benton’s parents come to pick up Hannah. Before the funeral I’d only met them a time or two, but ever since we’ve become pretty close. They’re actually down to earth—real people. Talking to them isn’t anything like talking to my own parents. Benton’s parents show real concern for a man that isn’t their own son. My parents just want me to get out of my ‘funk’ already.

“Adam, you look tired. Was Hannah up all night?” B’s mom asks.

“No, she slept great. I just… I don’t sleep well anymore,” I muster a smile for her and notice her sad glance she gives her husband.

“Adam, can I tell you something without you being offended?” she asks. I nod and smile, waiting for her to give me too much old person advice I’m really not into.

“You’re being an idiot, dear.”

“An asshole’s more like it,” her husband grumbles.

“Excuse me?” I ask, shocked they’d go there.

“We know you care dearly, and strongly. You love our granddaughter like she was your own. You care for Benton like he’s your brother. Why would you put yourself through this agony of losing the one girl you love?”

“It’s not like that,” I whisper staring at them like they’ve grown three heads. Why is everyone trying to get involved in my business lately?

“We know it is, son,” Benton’s dad chimes in. “I did the same thing when I was younger.”

“What? Did what?” I’m curious what they think I did to make myself so miserable.

“Push someone I loved dearly, with my every breath, away because I was afraid.”

He smiles and looks at Benton’s mom and I shake my head.

“He did, you know,” she smiles at me. “But I wouldn’t let him be that stupid.”

I take a moment to register what they just told me.

“So you left her?” I ask his dad and he nods. “And you wouldn’t let him get away with it because you knew he really loved you?” I look at his mom and she smiles and nods. “It’s still not the same. I really hurt her,” I say. I’m not sure why I’m opening up to them, but it feels like therapy, finally able to get it all out. “I miss her like crazy, but I hurt her. Badly. She left because I told her to go. Because I told her we didn’t have anything together, when all I wanted to do was pull her in my arms and hold her. I wanted to tell her how much I love her, but instead I was afraid of ever losing her and going through what Benton went through that I ended up pushing her out of my life completely. And it….” I take a breath, forcing the lump in my throat down. “It really sucks,” I say, in half a laugh.

The all-powerful Adam Callahan has completely ruined himself over a girl.

My how the mighty can fall.

“It’s not too late, Adam.”

“Yes, it actually is.” I put my hands in my pockets and shrug. “Thanks for the talk, I appreciate it, but it’s been too long. I’m sure her hatred for me has just grown by now.”