Just Go (19 page)

“Hey, B—“

“She’s gone, Adam.” His voice is void of any emotion, and my stomach drops.

“Benton, what’re you talking about?” I manage, though my gut feeling tells me it’s exactly the horror I’m imagining.

“Carly… she’s… oh God, Adam,” he starts sobbing and I stand and curse under my breath.

“B, where are you?” I ask, but there’s no answer from him. “Benton!” I yell into my phone.

“I’m home,” he sniffles. “I’m here… she’s not here. Adam, she’s… I can’t….” Shit just listening to this is making me tear up.

“B, what happened?” I wait for what seems like hours for him to calm down enough to answer, and when he does I feel like vomiting.

“She was in an accident,” he manages through his tears.

Son of a bitch.

“Don’t go anywhere, B. You hear me? Don’t go anywhere,” I say then look over at Annaliese. She’s sitting up straight, concern etches her face. “I’m coming over.”

He doesn’t reply through the tears, so I hang up the phone and curse again. I run my hands over my face, as if the motion would bring her back. Carly’s gone, and Benton’s never going to be the same. The man relied on her to breathe. If there were ever a fairytale romance, that was them. To the T. 

“What’s wrong, Adam?” Annaliese stands and places her hand on my shoulder. Her touch calms me slightly, but not near enough I need it to.

“I need to go,” I manage through my raging emotions.

“I’ll go with you,” she says.

She doesn’t ask for permission. She doesn’t ask where we’re going, or why it’s so sudden. She doesn’t push, but she wants to be here with me. For me. She wants to be here for me, and I’m okay with that.

“Okay,” I mumble as I walk towards the front door. Each minute that passes since the phone call, I feel more of my body going numb from the overwhelming sadness. Sadness for so much. Carly was bright, happy, forgiving, and everything a man would want in a woman. They were each other’s firsts, and Benton loves her more than his life. Sadness washes over me with the thought of him living alone, raising a baby without her, without a mom.  I feel my eyes start to swell, and know the tears are close, and I don’t even care anymore.

“I’m driving,” she says as we reach the garage. I glance at her, but the look on her face it determined, and I have no energy to fight it. “I need the address,” she says gently after we’ve buckled into the car. I rattle off his house number and lay my head back on the seat.

I’m certain the car is moving, as the lights through my closed eyelids keep changing and flickering, but I can’t feel anything. They were supposed to last forever. They just adopted a baby.

“Oh God,” I moan, feeling sick to my stomach.

“You wanna talk about it?” Annaliese lays her hand on my knee. It’s a comforting touch, so I wrap my hand around hers and shake my head.

It’s the middle of the night, so traffic isn’t terrible. We make it to Benton’s in fifteen minutes and there’s a cop car parked out front of his building. They’re probably inside with him, hopefully stopping him from killing himself. I’ve never heard him so upset. He’s devastated. How’s he going to manage a baby, a newborn, without her?

“You ready?” Annaliese gently smiles at me.

“Don’t you want to know what happened?” I ask, curious why she’s being so nice to me.

“I’m sure I understand most of it. You don’t need to tell me anything if you don’t want to talk about it right now,” she smiles again and my heart warms.

I can’t lose this one.

Walking into the apartment wasn’t anything like I pictured. It’s eerily calm. The officer at the door nods at us and lets us in to the living room. There are two more officers sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee talking quietly, but there’s no sign on Benton anywhere. When the officers notice us, one stands and greets us.

“Sir, Officer Keaton. Very sorry,” he looks towards Benton and Carly’s bedroom. “He’s in there,” he says quietly.

My hand is still holding tightly to Annaliese. She’s been a silent partner since we got here, and when I move towards his room, she holds back.

“What?” I whisper, turning to her.

“I’m not… you go. I’ll be okay out here. He needs his friend now, Adam. Not me.” She gives me a weak smile and kisses me before walking to the couch and pulling out her phone.

I stand there for a moment, staring at the closed bedroom door, wondering how in the world he’s going to get past this. Slowly, I make my way to the bedroom and knock gently. When there’s no answer, I open the door to a dark room. Shit.

“B?” I say as gently as I can.

I don’t hear his voice, but I hear him sniffle and know he’s at least alive in here.

“Can I come in?” I ask, opening the door a bit more, finally able to see him sitting on the edge of the bed.

He raises his head from his hands and looks at me. There’s nothing left in his eyes. They’re completely void of… everything.

“Close the door,” he whispers while staring at me.

I do as he asks, then walk to the bed, unsure of how to approach him.

“How…. I’m sorry, Benton.”

“It’s not your fault, man. It’s mine. Had I not fought tonight, she wouldn’t have left pissed at me.”

“Don’t do that, B.” I shake my head and sigh. “Shit’s gonna happen if it’s meant to be.”

“Easy for you to say,” he scoffs. “Last fucking thing she told me was she hopes I get my head out of my ass before the baby comes home, or else I’m gonna be the worst dad ever.” He takes a deep breath. “And now…. Shit, man.”

I sigh, not having any words for him. I know being here with him is all he needs, but I’m a problem solver. I thrive to be able to fix things, and make things better. This is something I can’t make better. I put my arm around him when he starts to cry and shake my head. I can’t even imagine the hurt he’s feeling.

If Annaliese died like that…. God, I’d be ruined.

No.

“Did they say how it happened?” My gut keeps screaming at me that it wasn’t as much of an accident as everyone is saying. My gut is making me want to vomit from the thought of my Sweet’s father being involve with this, but I can’t tell anyone until I know for a fact. This ruins everything. If I stay with her, I could end up being the one in Benton’s shoes right now. I wouldn’t ever put anything past Vick, even injuring his own daughter.

“Just a tragic car accident. No witnesses, no other person at the scene. So fucking dumb,” he curses and hangs his head again.

Oh God, I feel like I’m going to throw up.

I can’t be ruined. I don’t want to end up like him, do I? I don’t want to be the one mourning over the loss of a life too young. Holy shit, I have to let her take the job. I have to let her go.

I don’t want this hurt.

“Keep that one out there, A,” he whispers. “Don’t ever let her go.”

“Benton—”

“It hurts so fucking bad.” He sighs and curses. “Jesus Christ.”

We sit in silence for two hours. At some point in that time I pull him in for a side-hug that he doesn’t fight. It feels awkward as hell, but it’s the only way I know how to console him at this moment, because there’s nothing I can say to make him feel any better. He’s hurting, and it’s not hard to see. I’m not sure he’s said more than three words in the last hour, and he just keeps staring at the corner of the room. From being in here once before, I remember that corner of the room is her wardrobe. He’s staring at her fucking clothes probably wishing he had her back. Now every day he’s going to be reminded of her and the hurt and the pain that was caused by an accident.

Am I strong enough to live with a pain like that?

No. I don’t think I am.

I’ve only ever lost my grandparents. I was raised privileged, not sheltered, but I have felt the pain of loss, and I still remember how it hurt when they passed. I also remember the pain my grandma went through when my grandpa died before her. I saw it in her eyes, but I didn’t understand. I understand now. That’s the look of complete devastation from losing the person you love so dearly it hurts to even think about living without them. That’s the look that Benton has right now.

I’m not strong enough to lose someone I love.

“Shit,” I whisper. “B…  what can I do, man?”

“There’s nothing you can do, dude.”

“Anything, B. I have to do something. Arrangements, phone calls. Anything,” I beg. I’m getting antsy just sitting here, and I need to try to make him better. To piece him back together.

He raises his head and looks at me, finally.

“Your girl out there still?”

“Annaliese? I’d think so.”

“They told me she’s gonna need… an outfit,” he whispers. “I can’t… A, I can’t do it….”

“Okay. Alright, I’ll… is it cool if Annaliese comes in?”

He nods and I get up and peek into the living room. She’s sitting there talking to one of the cops and smiling, a coffee cup in hand and legs tucked under her. She’s so beautiful; it makes my heart hurt that I’m going to have to let her go and follow her dreams, but that’s what I have to do.

No way do I want to feel this heartbreak.

“Hey.” She smiles and stands, walking over to me. “How’s everything going?” She asks like she’s honestly worried. Could she really be that kind to worry and care for someone she just met tonight?

“Uh… he’s not doing so hot, actually,” I say, rubbing my neck. She wraps her arms around me and hugs, helping ease some of the tension that’s set in my body.

“What happened?” she murmurs into my chest. Obviously tired, but not complaining that we’ve been here so long.

“Car accident,” I say, then feel her body tense. The minute I speak the words, I remember her sister and the tragic accident she died in.

“Oh.” She takes a breath and pulls pack. “What…how can I help?” I feel a slight tremble in her hands but she’s holding together.

“Well… he needs an outfit. For her.”

“Right. Yeah... I… I remember that,” she whispers and wrings her hands in front of her.

“But if you’re not comfortable, I can go find something, Sweet. I know you—”

“Stop. That was a long time ago. I’ll be okay, Adam.” She gives me a gentle smile and takes a deep breath. “So where do I start?”

She doesn’t bitch that she never knew Carly, nor does she bitch that she’s been out here alone for hours just waiting. There are simply no complaints coming out of her, and it’s blowing my mind that she hasn’t asked to go home yet.

“Um… in here,” I say, leading her to the bedroom. “Hey, B, we gotta turn the light on, okay?”

“Fine,” he mumbles.

When the light comes on, I notice how terrible he really looks. It’s amazing how much darkness can hide. His eyes are bloodshot, his hair messed, face puffy from the tears shed over this tragic event.

“Hey.” Annaliese smiles. “I’m being told you need a little assistance?”

“Yeah... uh... her clothes. I need… they need clothes,” he says as he look at the floor. “Over in the wardrobe.” He nods his head and she glances to the corner he was staring at earlier.

Annaliese turns and gives me a quick and sad smile, and walks across the room to start going through Carly’s clothes. About three minutes into her looking through the options, Benton curses and leaves the room. Annaliese turns as he leaves and shrugs her shoulders, smiling sadly.

“It’s gonna be hard on him for a while, Adam,” she says when she notices me grimacing at the doorway.

“I know, I know. I just… it’s so unfair,” I say, running my hands through my hair. “How are you doing over there?” I ask as I watch her try to match dresses and sweaters. There’s no way I would be able to do this for a loved one.

“Did you know her? Personally? I just… I want to pick something that she’d wear. What do you think of these?”

She holds out a few different outfits and they all look like something Carly would wear to me, probably because they are all her clothes and I’ve seen her in them at one point or another. I pick one that I think is classy enough, something that’ll show her beauty.

We spend the rest of the night sitting with B in his living room. The police left when Benton left the bedroom, I guess they were just making sure he was okay and had someone to sit with him. I guess there’s too many times spouses can’t handle the loss and decide to take their own lives instead of deal with it.

Annaliese falls asleep on the couch, curled up with her head resting on the armrest, and I cover her with a blanket then grab a few beers for Benton and I. We spend the rest of the night in pretty much silence. Every now and then he’ll start talking about something, but I don’t push the subject of any of the arrangements or anything in that nature. Tomorrow’s a new day and will bring its own challenges.

By the time we go to sleep, I’ve tried my hardest to harden my heart to the fact that I’ll never be able to live with a loss like this. Harden it to the thought of telling Annaliese she needs to take the St. Louis job because I’m not big enough man to handle what Benton’s going through right now.

I’ve hardened my heart so when I break it, it won’t fully shatter.