Just One More Breath (23 page)

Nicole

I hopped into the first taxi I could find. “Just go. I will give you directions,” I yelled at the driver when he inquired about my final destination. I shivered and shook in the back seat and at one point, I asked the driver to pull over so that I could puke. I had expected a few missed called from Shawn, Zena, or even Mama Burns by now, but my phone remained silent. Not a call, not a text.

I
directed the driver right back to the IHOP that I frequented with Jax and had now gone to a few times with Shawn. I asked the hostess to give me a corner table in the very back of the restaurant. I needed to think and I needed to be left alone. I ordered mint tea and sipped it slowly while I tried to calm my nerves. I laughed bitterly when I realized that alcohol would be a better choice for me at this point.

I pondered about the next dramatic turn my life had taken.
“More like a U-turn,”
I mumbled to myself.  I thought about the path that I was now headed down, a path that I hadn’t ever considered taking again. Shawn and I had never even talked about children, and I didn't know if this was something that he wanted. But, I was pretty sure having children wasn’t something I wanted to do again. That path had too many bumps and potholes that could lead to serious heartbreak; I couldn’t open myself up to that kind of pain again. I had barely survived it the first time.

Yes that path could be one filled with love, but it could also be filled with
an indescribable amount of pain. Thoughts of the marriage I had lost, and the child I had lost, made trying those things again seem almost torturous. I couldn’t make myself that vulnerable, no matter how much I loved Shawn and how much I knew I loved this baby. I sat in IHOP mulling this over until it was closing time, and I was nursing an ice-cold cup of tea.

I
stepped out into the night at glanced at my phone… Still no word from Shawn.
What if I blew this?
I felt really guilty about running away from him like that when he proposed.

I stood on the dark corner for fifteen minutes while I tried to figure out my next move. The biggest part of me wanted to run home to Shawn, to tell him about the pregnancy, and have us figure things out together. But I had no clue how any of this would turn out; I didn't even have a few scenarios panned out. I needed a little bit more time to get my head screwed on straight before I told him. So instead, I headed to my best friend’s house.

Zena answered the door with her cell phone wedged between her shoulder an
d ear. "Girl, what the hell are you doing here?" she asked with confused eyes.

I
walked inside and threw myself on the couch. "I'm having a really bad day and I just need some time to get my thoughts together. Do you mind if I spend the night?" I asked, while making myself comfortable.

"Shane, I'll call you back
," Zena mumbled into the phone.

My
eyes widened. "Shane?" I whispered.

Zena ended the call and pushed her cell phone into her pocket. "Yeah, he calls me every now and then to make sure my grandmother is doing ok
ay," Zena said nonchalantly.

"Oh
," I said. "It's really unfortunate that you guys didn't meet before he met that girl, you two would've made a really good couple,” I added, thankful for a moment to focus on something other than my mess.

Zena made a face
. "Yeah, he's a sweetheart, but he's engaged, and I’m with Mason."

I
didn't even try to hide my eye roll.

Zena saw
it and changed the subject. "Well anyway, why are you here? You should be home with your man, spooning."

"I'm having a really, really bad day and I needed some space and time to think."

A concerned look covered Zena's face. "Why? What happened? Did you guys have a fight?" she asked.

"No, nothing like that. I'm just at a crossroad and I need to figure out what direction
I’m headed in next. I don't really want to talk about it tonight. I just want to sleep. Can we talk tomorrow?"

Zena nodded
. "Sure, you can sleep in the guest bedroom. I will get you a change of clothes."

I
walked into the bedroom and pulled off my clothes to change. My fingers grabbed the hem of my shirt and began to lift it over my head. The shirt brushed over my stomach as I moved them upward and I froze. With my shirt folded in half, exposing my mid-section I walked toward the full-length mirror on the wall. I stared at myself as tears formed and slipped out of my eyes. The natural urge to caress my stomach made me feel nauseous. I didn't know if I could handle this baby and I didn’t know if Shawn
wanted
this baby.
Was bonding with the baby a good idea?
Tears cascaded down my face as I turned away from the mirror, finished changing, and plopped myself onto the bed. I cried until I slipped into a deep sleep.

"
Nicole, I’m getting ready for work." Zena said, nudging me a few times.

When I opened my eyes she had a sad look on her face. “Sweetheart, you look like you’ve been crying all night.”

“I have,” I said in a strained voice.

Zena sat on the edge of the bed and put a hand on my shoulder. “I don’t know what’s going on with you
, Nic, but whatever it is, you need to face it with Shawn. Not hiding out at my place.”

I nodded
. “You’re right,” I said sheepishly. “I’m going to splash some water on my face and I’ll take a cab home.” I took a deep breath and headed into Zena’s bathroom to get cleaned up. Even after I washed my face and brushed my teeth, I still looked a mess. I borrowed a pair of sweats from Zena and called a taxi to take me home so I could talk to Shawn.

I felt nauseous the entire trip
. I didn’t know if it was because of the pregnancy, or my situation with Shawn. I couldn’t gather one coherent thought because my mind was just one big mess. The only emotion I could feel was fear: fear of becoming a wife again, opening myself up to the possibility of another failed marriage. But, most of all, it was the fear of becoming a mother again, and loving another child with everything that I have. If I lost another child, I knew for sure that not even Shawn would be able to bring me back from my dark place.

The closer I got
to our house, the guiltier I felt for the way I handled things yesterday. Shawn had been there for me and supported me for the last few months, and I just…ran away. I left the poor man down on his knee in the middle of Manhattan. Tears slipped from my eyes as I remembered the hurt expression on his face when he realized that I wasn’t going to say yes.
At least I had a few hours before I had to face him again
. I lifted a shaky hand to unlock the front door, and stopped dead in my tracks.

Shawn was sitting on the ground a few feet away from
the front door. His knees were brought up to his chest and his elbows were resting on them. His eyes had dark circles around them, showing that he hadn’t slept a wink, and he was wearing the exact same clothes he’d had on yesterday. I swallowed deep and stepped out inside, “Shawn?” I said, as if it could possibly be someone else.

“I waited for you
,” he said in a broken voice. “I sat here and I waited for you all night so we could talk this out and you didn’t show up.”

I’m an idiot, a complete idiot. In the midst of thinking about my own pain I hadn’t once thought about what I had done to Shawn. I dropped to my knees beside him and hung my head, waiting for him to speak. But he didn’t, he just stared at me.
I was used to him being the verbose one in our relationship, but the look on his face, and his body language, told me that I would have to do all of the speaking this time.

I took a deep breath
. "Yesterday, when I went to the doctor’s office they confirmed that my I.U.D was dislodged." I paused, and looked into his eyes, although I could see hurt, the dominant expression in them was still love. That love gave me the strength to continue.

“
They also confirmed that I’m pregnant,” I said.

Shawn

“Shit, Nicole. Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked
.

“I tried to call you a few times
after I found out, but you didn’t answer your phone.”

Fuck. Suddenly, ignoring her calls while I prepared for the proposal didn’t seem like such a good idea. “Damn, I’m sorry
, baby. I was just…well, by now you know what I was doing.”

Yesterday I
knew that Nicole was freaking out about the proposal, and although I could figure out why, it had still hurt, which was the reason I didn't reach out to her after she’d run away. But hearing that she was also freaking out because she found out that she was pregnant made me feel like shit.

Had
I known what she was going through, I would've handled the situation completely differently. I grabbed her hand, pulled her into my lap, and my entire body relaxed when I felt her against me.

"I never should've let you walk away from me
, Nicole. I should've followed you and made you talk to me so that we could figure this out together," I said remorsefully.

"Don't apologize
, Shawn, as this is my fault. I ran and I shut you out. Then I spent the entire day thinking about the likely chance that I was pregnant with a baby that I didn’t actually want. I was content with not having any more children." Her voice cracked into a sob as she spoke. “I’m not even sure if you want this baby.”

I
tried to console Nicole. I held onto her tightly, rocking her back and forth. "I want our baby, Nic," I whispered. “I’ve never thought about children before, but now that I know I’m having one with you, I love it already, and there is nothing else in the world that I love more than you and this baby,” I said, slipping my hand under her shirt and caressing her flat stomach gently.

“I’m scared
,” I heard her whisper in a soft voice.

In that moment, all the hurt and anger I felt about her running from me faded away. “Of the baby? Or of getting married?” I asked.

“Both,” she replied. “I don’t want to end up divorced again, Shawn.” She looked at me with fearful eyes and I smiled at her.

“Nicole, I have waited for over ten years for you and now that I have you
, I’m never letting you go.” I slipped my finger under her chin and kissed her lips softly. “This is forever, Nic.” I kissed her again and she exhaled and relaxed in my arms.

“And the baby?”
she asked.

“I will protect you and the baby with everything I have in me.” I kissed her again “And if I’m not doing a good job, you know Grandma Burns will be there to pick up the slack.” We both laughed and she wrapped her arms around my neck.
“We will be fine, Nicole, you, me and our baby. We will be a family,” I assured her.

Nicole

I sat on examination table in Dr. Leonard’s office and stared up at the ceiling. Thinking about the last time I did this, over eleven years ago. Thinking about my sweet boy and how happy he would’ve been to have siblings, and most of all thinking about how blessed I was to find love again, and also to be able to have another pregnancy.

I felt Shawn’s fingers slide between mine and a slow smile crept across my face. He was about to say something but just then our doctor walked in.

“Nicole,” he said with a smile, looking very pleased to see Shawn with me.

“Hi, Dr. Leonard
. This is my fiancé, Shawn,” I said.

“Nice to meet you
, Shawn.” Dr. Leonard reached over and shook Shawn’s hand.

Then doctor prepared his machine and turned the screen toward us. He inserted the probe and moved it around a few times. I couldn't look at him, I maintained eye contact and kept
my hands entwined with Shawn the entire time, praying that everything looked okay.

"Ah. I see," the
doctor said. "Well, look what we have here."

Shawn and I pulled our eyes away from each other and looked over at the screen. I gasped loudly, but Shawn had no idea what he was looking at.

"Is that…what I think it is?" I asked with a shaky voice.

"Yes
, ma'am," the doctor replied. "Congratulations, you're having twins."

Shawn gaped and I placed
my face into my hands. "I see two healthy embryos in one sac. Which means you're having identical twins."

Shawn leaned over and planted a wet kiss on my lips. The doctor finished his procedure and quietly left the room. "Shawn, we're having twins," I said in disbelief.

"Yes, we are," he answered, "and I couldn't be happier."

We stared into each other's eyes and I pulled my hand away from Shawn's
to cup his cheek. I felt something foreign on my finger. I pulled my hand up to my face and stared at the beautiful solitaire diamond sitting on my left ring finger. My gaze shot over to Shawn.

"I asked you before, and now I’m telling you," Shawn
said with a stern voice. "We're getting married, Nicole. We’re getting married and we're having twins. And the four of us are going to live long and happy lives. Together."

I nodded and hugged my man.
I felt that last crack in my heart finally mend, and looked
forward
to a happy and healthy life with my husband and our children.