Just Stay (30 page)

"I just..." He sighs. "I know I shouldn't care. I mean, even if he's not okay with it, which I'm pretty sure he won't be, it's not my problem. It just makes him even more of an asshole, and it's got nothing to do with me. And I know that."

Evan looks down again.

"I shouldn't care," he says, his voice lower. "Even if he hates me, I shouldn't care, but..."

His voice breaks, and Seb hesitates, before finishing his sentence.

"But he's your dad," he says, simply, and Evan looks up at him. His eyes are glossy with tears that Seb knows he desperately wants to keep back, and Evan grits his teeth for a moment.

"I don't want him to hate me, Seb," he finally says, his voice breaking, and Seb's arms are around him in a split second, on instinct, pulling him closer.

"Hey," he says soothingly, smoothing over his short hair with his fingers. "Hey, it's okay."

It took some time for Seb to get used to how emotional Evan really is, as a person. He always figured that
he
would be the emotional one, but he has learned, since they first met, that pretty much everything Evan does is fuelled by emotion, one way or another. It doesn't matter if it's anger, happiness, love or fear―it's what makes him tick. It's not so much sensitivity, but rather passion, and it's something that Seb really loves about him.

So Evan turns to Seb, and he clings to him, desperately, gripping the fabric of his t-shirt and pulling him as close as he possibly can. He isn't crying. Even though he actually cries pretty easily, he never likes doing it, not even in front of Seb. It took months before he even let Seb see that side of him, properly.

"It's okay, baby," Seb murmurs soothingly, rubbing circles with his hand into the small of his back. "It's okay."

Evan breathes deeply, face buried against Seb's neck, and for several seconds, they just stand like that, not saying anything.

But Seb wants to say something, he needs to. Even though every fiber of his being instinctively wants to protect Evan and keep him safe, wants to comfort him and not in any way add to his pain, he can't let this go. He can't. They have to talk about this, even if it is hard for Evan.

"Evan," Seb finally says, pulling away just a bit, just enough so that they can look at each other properly. He's pretty sure his dark blue eyes are full of concerned sympathy, right now. He can't hide that when it comes to his boyfriend.

"I know it's difficult for you," he says, one hand still absently stroking the back of his head, fingers pulling through his hair just the slightest bit. "And I know you don't want to think about it."

He sighs, and he can tell from the look in Evan's eyes that he knows Seb is right, and that he knows what he's going to say.

"But you can't just keep putting this off," Seb says softly. "Look, I'm not saying, make a big deal out of it. I'm not even saying, call him up specifically to tell him."

He pauses.

"I'm just saying―" he stops himself and revises. "I'm
asking
, that next time you talk to him, tell him. Just tell him. Get it over with."

Seb realizes that if he weren't speaking so softly right now, with such comforting intent, his words would have sounded kind of harsh. Evan doesn't seem to notice, though, or if he does, he doesn't mind. He knows exactly what Seb means, and that he means well.

Evan sighs heavily, glancing down at the floor. He nods.

"Okay," he says, and Seb blinks. Not that he isn't glad to hear that, but after several months of Evan avoiding this issue entirely, he wasn't expecting him to just roll over so easily.

"Really?" he asks hesitantly, and Evan nods again, looking up at him.

"Yeah," he says. "You're right."

He smiles ruefully, with a small scoff.

"You're always right," he mutters, and Seb can't help but smile smugly, but in a very benevolent way.

"It's getting stupid, anyway," Evan continues, subdued. "I mean, doesn't really seem right, does it? I love you. I don't want to hide you."

Seb doesn't say anything, just looks at him, a small, concerned frown on his face. Then he leans in and plants a soft, chaste kiss on Evan's lips.

"Thank you," he says, and Evan nods. Seb knows that there is probably more to this than Evan is letting on, and that he isn't simply accepting it as easily as he wants to make it seem.

But this is the first time Evan has actually given Seb anything like this, when it comes to this subject, and Seb isn't about to turn it down. Just admitting that the whole thing is something that needed to be done is a huge step for Evan, and Seb really appreciates it.

Evan sighs heavily, and kisses Seb softly on the mouth, moving one hand up to cup his face. He smoothes over his cheekbone with his thumb, in a familiar, adoring gesture that Seb loves.

"How about we finish up here," Evan suggests quietly, "and just go to bed?"

Seb pulls away far enough to be able to look into those green eyes, and all he sees there is pure affection and a look that suggested several, exciting interpretations of
going to bed
. Seb smiles.

"Sounds like a plan."

♦

It takes over a week before anything actually happens, before Seb sees any sign of Evan actually going through with what he promised.

Seb has had a late lecture, and it's early evening by the time he gets home. After the lecture, he, Clara and a few others went out for a beer, and he's tired and comfortably, just very slightly, tipsy by the time he unlocks the front door to the apartment. He steps inside, flicking on the light switch. As soon as he does, though, the lamp above his head flashes, sputters, and then suddenly goes out. Seb flicks the switch again, experimentally. Nothing. The hall is still dark, and the lamp still dead. He sighs.

"The lamp fried again," he calls into the apartment, shrugging off his jacket, but freezes slightly when there is no reply. He glances over his shoulder.

"Evan?" he calls. Still no reply. He takes off his shoes and makes his way into the apartment. "Babe, you home?"

No lights are on, which leaves the place pretty dark, seeing as how the sun is starting to set outside. The hall by the front door leads into a hallway, where Seb flicks on the lights, and he makes his way into the living room. It's empty.

"Evan?" he calls again, but there is still no answer. He checks the kitchen, the bedroom, and even the bathroom, but Evan is nowhere to be seen. Seb frowns. That's odd.

He doesn't make much of it, though. As far as he knows, Evan doesn't have any other plans for tonight, but he sometimes ends up at Jake's place, or just spending a couple of extra hours in the giant music room that the college boasts, and Seb knows he can lose track of time. It's only around seven o'clock, anyway. No rush.

It's nine o'clock by the time Seb starts to wonder. He's sitting in the living room, in the new, three-seated couch he and Evan bought recently, watching
Doctor Who
-reruns and eating ramen, when he takes out his phone.

Where are you?
he writes, fully aware of the blunt and paranoid-sounding phrase, but sends the text anyway. Then he waits a few minutes, and writes another one, since there was no reply.

I only ask because there's ramen and low-budget sci-fi, and I know how you'd hate to miss out on that action.

He sends it, and decides to leave it alone for a while.

But at ten o'clock, Evan still hasn't answered, and Seb gets a weird feeling. It isn't like Evan to ignore his texts, especially not when he's already later than usual, in coming home.

So Seb calls him, muting the TV, and after several rings, he gets Evan's voicemail. Seb frowns.

"Hey," he says, after the beep. "So, it's getting pretty late, and you're not home, so... You'd let me know if you'd been abducted by aliens or some shit, right?"

He pauses for a moment.

"Or maybe not, I don't know," he continues, with a tired sigh. "Just call me back, okay? Or come home. Preferably. Just an idea. Okay, love you."

He hangs up, and stares at the screen of his phone, for a moment. It isn't like Evan to ignore his texts, but it's even more unlike him to ignore his calls.

Then again
, he rationalizes,
it could just be that Evan can't hear his phone, right now
. It's not like he hung up on Seb, or anything.

It's eleven-thirty by the time Seb turns off the TV and goes to bed. He hasn't for more than a minute stopped wondering about where the hell Evan is, but he resists the urge to text or call him again. Except for one more time.

So I'm going to bed now,
he wrote,
and you're still not back. Just let me know you're okay, alright?

He considers adding something else, or rephrasing it, but he doesn't. Instead, he just sends the text and turns off the lights, and after a little while of anxiously listening for a reply that doesn't come, he finally drifts off to sleep.

The first thing Seb notices the next morning is that the bed is still empty, except for him.

He gropes at the sheets absently, but opens his eyes when he finds nothing there. No warm body, no soft skin. No Evan. He actually sits up in bed, looking around. The cream color of the bedroom walls is illuminated by the sunlight sifting through the blinds over the windows, and it all looks very peaceful and calm. But it's empty. Seb is the only one there. He even checks his phone, but there is nothing from Evan; not a single text, not a missed call.

It's with hesitant confusion that Seb gets up and exits the bedroom, shuffling across the floor, wearing nothing but sweatpants, and he feels a very unsettling sensation in his stomach. Until he walks past the hall, that is, and notices Evan's boots discarded inside the door. Then he frowns, and makes his way into the living room.

He immediately spots him. Evan is lying on the couch, and Seb is absently grateful that they decided to get rid of the old, two-seated one they brought from Evan's dorm. This one is much bigger, and accommodates Evan's body easily.

Seb can't help but keep his frown, though, as he shuffles over there and stops right beside the couch, looking down at his sleeping boyfriend. Evan looks like he's practically in a coma, snoring lightly, arm under his head as he lies on his side. Then Seb nudges him gently.

"Hey," he says, and Evan twitches. "Come on, wake up."

Evan groans, slowly uncoiling as Seb keeps prodding him gently, until he finally cracks open his eyes and looks around. He almost immediately finds Seb's face, above him. He smiles sleepily.

"Hey," he says, his voice rough and sleep-drunk, and Seb tilts his head.

"What are you doing?" he asks, and Evan deliberates for a moment, as though still trying to wake up and not really understanding Seb's question. Then he get it.

"Oh," he says, glancing down at himself and looking around the room, realizing that he slept on the couch, rather than in their shared bed. "I didn't wanna wake you. Sorry."

Seb frowns.

"When did you get home?" he asks, and Evan rubs his eyes.

"Not sure," he says. "Two-ish, maybe?"

Seb raises his eyebrows, instead.

"What?" he says. "Why?"

Evan lets out a heavy breath.

"I, uh..." He clears his throat. "I went out for a bit."

Seb just looks at him, expression neutral, and as Evan sees it, he exhales.

"I'm sorry," he says, reaching up to take Seb's hand. "I should have called, or something."

"Yeah, you should have." Seb can't help himself. Evan seems to get it, though, because he averts his eyes, clearly ashamed.

"I know." He looks up at Seb again, tugging on his hand gently, and Seb feels himself soften. He can't help it; he'd do anything Evan asked of him, when faced with those gorgeous, green eyes.

Seb slowly sits down on the edge of the couch, and Evan scoots in slightly, to make room. Then he takes Seb's hand properly, laces their fingers together.

"I didn't mean to make you worried," he says, trailing his other hand along the skin of Seb's arm, making small goose bumps appear all over. "Sorry."

Seb sighs.

"It's okay," he says, subdued. "Just let me know next time, okay? Or at least answer your fucking phone."

Evan smiles, and when he tugs on Seb's arm, Seb obliges and leans down to kiss him. As he does, though, he feels his breath, and he blinks.

"What exactly did you do last night?" he asks, and Evan instantly looks a bit sheepish.

"Like I said," he says. "I went out for a bit."

Seb narrows his eyes slightly.

"Out, where?"

Evan seems to hesitate.

"To a bar, okay?" he says, and Seb pulls back just the slightest bit. "I had a few drinks."

So that was alcohol Seb smelled on his breath.

Seb opens his mouth to ask something else, but Evan answers the question, before he has the chance.

"Alone," he clarifies, and Seb knows him well enough to immediately tell if he's lying. He isn't lying.

"Why didn't you call me?" Seb asks, confused, and Evan sighs.

"I don't know," he admits. "I just... I was having a shitty night, okay?"

"What do you mean?" Seb says, suddenly feeling a bit offended. "I tried getting a hold of you."

"I know."

"You know?" Seb raises his eyebrows. "You know, and you didn't―"

He takes a deep breath.

"You were deliberately ignoring me, is that it?"

Evan exhales, clearly bothered by how this is affecting Seb.

"No," he says, shaking his head, voice soft and trying to soothe. "No, I just... I couldn't talk."

"Why not?"

"I just couldn't, okay?"

Neither of them says anything for a few moments, just look at each other, Evan's fingers still stroking Seb's arm.

Then, finally, Evan speaks.

"I talked to my dad," he says, and Seb tenses up.

"What?" he says dumbly. "When?"

"Yesterday."

Evan looks down at their entwined fingers.

"He called," he says. "Apparently, he'd just spoken to Jake, and he sometimes calls me too, after. I don't know, I guess he wants it to be fair, or some shit."