Just Stay (31 page)

Evan sighs heavily.

"And I told him."

The words hang in the air, and Seb just sits there, stiff, waiting.

"Okay," he finally says, uncertainly, in lack of anything else. The question of how it went is implied, but it still takes Evan a few more seconds to answer.

"He wasn't happy about it," he says, and Seb swallows. "Pretty pissed, actually."

Seb lets out a slow breath.
Shit.

Evan doesn't really react as Seb leans down and pushes his hair back with his hand, gently, planting a soft kiss against his forehead.

"It's okay," he says. "It'll be fine."

But Evan doesn't react then, either. He doesn't even look up. Instead, he doesn't move for several seconds, before slowly shaking his head.

"No, it's not," he says. "It won't be."

The words feel like punch in the gut, and Seb grits his teeth slightly, trying not to react. And neither of them says anything for several moments; Seb isn't sure what to say, anyway. Neither of them even moves until Evan gets up from the couch, leaving Seb sitting there, as he shuffles off toward the bathroom, the pounding hangover he's most surely enduring blatantly obvious in the way he moves. And Seb doesn't stop him, doesn't say anything, just watches him go.

He doesn't even breathe until he hears the bathroom door shut.

♦

It's weird, how Evan acts after that.

Later that day, he seems off, but Seb figures that's mostly due to his hangover; he tends to become pretty incapacitated during those, after all.

He still tries talking to him, though, but to no avail. He tentatively tries asking about the conversation Evan had with his father, how it went, exactly. Although, Seb is about 95% sure that it really didn't go well, and judging from Evan's reaction and behavior, he's right. He didn't expect Evan to react this way, to take it so hard. And he wants to help, to make it better, especially considering that he's the one who asked Evan to tell his father, in the first place. He just doesn't know how.

When Seb comes home from another late lecture, Evan is drowsing on the couch, watching TV. It's some random hospital show,
and he can't help but roll his eyes. Evan can deny his love for shows like that all he wants, but it's obvious that he's a huge fanboy.

Seb tentatively tries talking to Evan for a bit. He was planning on sitting down next to him, but Evan feels so cold and standoffish, that Seb decides against it. Maybe Evan is just feeling down, and needs some space. Seb isn't going to force him into a conversation, exactly. So he leaves him alone, and when it's time for bed, he lets Evan know, but all he receives in return is a grunt and a mumbled
okay.
Seb wants him to join him, on his own, but doesn't want to push it.

Evan doesn't come to bed. He sleeps on the couch, and by the time Seb gets up the next day, he's gone. He has an early lecture, Seb remembers, so even though it makes him feel unsettled, he doesn't make much of it.

Evan comes home later that day, and Seb once again tries talking to him, but it's no use. Evan just seems so subdued, shut down, and it's making Seb feel increasingly worried. He tries lightening the mood, but it doesn't help. He tries touching him, moving closer, kissing him softly. But it's no good. Evan practically pushes him away, and it hurts so bad that Seb feels an almost physical ache in his chest.

It lasts for three days. For three days, Evan dodges him, avoids him, avoids eye contact, and even considering that they are apart for some of the time by work and school, they barely talk. And it's making Seb increasingly anxious. Evan won't talk to him, won't even tell him about what his father said. And more than once, Evan drinks more than one beer, or glasses of whiskey, and Seb can smell alcohol on his breath, when he comes home. Because Evan still comes home, even though it honestly feels like he doesn't want to be there.

He still comes home, even though he still won't sleep in their bed, and he won't even bother explaining why.

One night, he does sleep in their bed again, but he's so closed-off and cold, that Seb doesn't even dare to touch him. Evan is lying just inches away from him, but he has never felt more distant.

Seb has no idea what's happening. He has no idea why Evan was acting like this. And he has no idea what to do about it.

It's after those three days that Seb finally has enough.

Evan is sitting in front of the TV, absently watching, and Seb is standing in the doorway of the living room, looking at him. He glances at the acoustic guitar standing in the corner. Evan usually plays almost every day, but in the past few days, he hasn't so much as touched the instrument. It's just one of the things on the list of things that makes Seb feel very worried.

"I'm gonna go to bed," Seb says, trying to sound neutral. Evan glances at him, before turning back to the TV.

"Okay," he says, and Seb waits. He swallows.

"You coming, too?" he asks, afraid of the answer, and Evan just exhales.

"In a minute," he says, and Seb sighs. He hesitates.

"I can tell there's something wrong, you know," he says, trying to sound like himself, relaxed and slightly dry. He's afraid that he's pushing it, but he can't help himself. "It's pretty obvious."

Evan doesn't answer him. Instead, he looks determined to keep his attention focused on the television. Seb grits his teeth slightly.

"Would it kill you to talk to me?" he says, and he swears Evan shifts slightly in his seat. "I mean, you've barely said a word to me in days."

And not just that
, he feels like saying.
You've barely even touched me, barely even a kiss. Like I'm some kind of leper.

But he doesn't say that. He has a feeling that Evan really doesn't need to hear that right now, anyway.

It's true, though. Even though Evan has been here this whole time, in their home, eating and sleeping and simply being there, he feels so far away. Seb has never before known how much you can miss someone who is already there. Because he misses Evan. He misses him so much, it hurts. And he has no idea how to handle that, since Evan isn't physically missing, in the first place.

Seb waits patiently for any kind of reply, but when none comes, he sighs.

"Evan," he says, voice slightly edged. "Talk to me."

Evan fidgets then, shifts slightly in his seat, but he doesn't look up. And somehow, that's the last straw for Seb, who simply walks over and shuts off the TV.

"For fuck's sake," he says, anger and frustration seeping into his voice, unconsciously, as Evan looks up at him. "What are you doing?"

Evan doesn't answer him at first, and Seb waits, patiently.

"I don't wanna talk about it," Evan finally says, and Seb cocks his head.

"Well, tough," he says. "
I
wanna talk about it. Whatever
it
is."

Evan just looks at him. He's still sitting on the couch, Seb standing nearby, their gazes locked. Evan looks oddly annoyed, but mostly just tired. And somehow, sad. But Seb has had enough of waiting and being nice. He has the right to know what Evan is thinking, what he's doing. He can't take this, anymore.

"Okay," he finally says, since Evan isn't talking. "I'm gonna take a shot in the dark, here."

He can't help but notice how his trademark, dry sarcasm immediately creeps into his voice. He kind of hates that, right now, but he can't help it―it's his defense mechanism, after all, and the only way he knows how to react to something like this.

"Is it about your dad?" he says, and Evan immediately tenses up. Seb doesn't need to say any more than that, because he clearly hit home.

"I don't wanna talk about it," Evan repeats, and Seb resists the urge to sigh irritably.

"So, it is about your dad," he says, and Evan keeps his eyes on him. "Why don't you just tell me? Tell me what happened."

"Seb―"

"Something clearly happened, Evan," Seb insists. "I just don't get why you won't tell me."

"It didn't go well, okay," Evan says, anger seeping into his voice, as he suddenly gets up from the couch. "That's it. And I don't wanna talk about it."

"Yeah, well, that doesn't really matter," Seb finds himself saying. "Because this is bothering you, and that means it's bothering me."

"Seb―"

"You owe me this, Evan." Seb's voice is resolute, and he half-regrets saying that, the moment he does. "You fucking owe me."

But he knows he has a point. They are in a relationship, after all, and Evan really does owe him this. He owes Seb honesty, and he owes him at least the reason for him acting like he has been doing these past few days.

"Even if it went badly," Seb continues, "why won't you talk to me? Why are you mad at me?"

"Don't give me that," Evan says, voice suddenly low with controlled anger. "Not you."

Seb frowns, confused.

"What?" he says, and Evan looks at him.

"This is on you," he says, now suddenly sounding genuinely angry. He actually points at Seb, then, like he sometimes does when he's angry and gets all accusing.

"Me?" Seb says incredulously. "What the fuck's that supposed to mean?"

"You pushed me into this!" Evan says. "He basically disowned me. You pushed me, and that fucking happened!"

Seb just gapes at him for a second, eyes wide and brow furrowed.

"Are you serious?" he says, equal parts confused and pissed off. "You're blaming
me
for this? No offense, but your dad would have reacted the exact same way, no matter what I did or said, or
pushed you into
."

He says the last part with some heavy, disapproving sarcasm, which Evan clearly notices, because Seb can see his jaw working in irritation. And Seb kind of hates himself for saying something like that, for somehow glossing over Evan's use of the word
disowned,
and the fact that that is a
huge
fucking deal, and he knows, deep down, that he's focusing on the wrong thing here. But he can't help it. He's just so
angry
at Evan, over the way he has been acting. Angry and
hurt.

"You couldn't just let me do it in my own time," Evan says. "Even though you said so."

"A year, Evan!" Seb exclaims. "An entire, fucking year!"

He pauses for a second, surprised at his own anger, somehow.

"For an entire year, you've basically pretended that I don't exist, when it comes to him," he continues. "You even used to do that with strangers, and you have no idea how much that hurt."

"Oh, I think I've got a pretty good idea," Evan bites back, with such scathing, unexpected sarcasm that Seb almost flinches; he isn't used to Evan talking like that. Like him.

Then he remembers, though. He remembers how he basically broke up with Evan, over that exact issue, so long ago now, and he suddenly feels ashamed for bringing it up. Evan has made that up to him a hundred times over, and Seb was such a cowardly asshole about it, at the time.

Seb sighs quietly, glancing away.

"I know," he says, voice significantly more subdued. "I'm sorry."

He looks back at Evan only to see an expression that says
fine, but I'm still pissed at you,
and he relaxes just the slightest bit. At least that isn't an issue anymore.

Though, the whole thing about Evan's dad and how he took the news of his son's relationship, that's still a very big issue. And it isn't one that's going to go away any time soon.

"But Evan," Seb tries, doing his best to sound as understanding as possible. "What was the option, here? Just hiding it forever?"

"I was gonna tell him," Evan exclaims, taking a step closer, eyes blazing. "You know I was! But not like that! And now, he hates me! He didn't exactly take it well."

"And I'm sorry that that happened," Seb retorts, sounding desperate, rather than angry, but matching Evan's intensity, all the same. "But this isn't my fault!"

Silence. For a few seconds of drawn-out silence, they just look at each other.

"I didn't do this, Evan," Seb eventually says, softening his voice just a bit. "It's not my fault, and I'm not gonna apologize for something I didn't do."

The words are risky, he realizes that. But despite his deep-seated instinct to protect Evan and never cause him pain, he knows that this isn't his fault. Because it isn't. Right?

Neither of them says anything for several, agonizingly long seconds, and Seb waits. He waits, waits for Evan to just give in and relax, to admit that this really
isn't
Seb's fault, and that he's angry at the wrong person for the wrong reasons. He knows it's stupid to expect that, but fuck it―he's feeling angry and petty and selfish, and he just wants everything to be okay again, and for Evan talk to him again and smile and kiss him, like everything is normal.

But Evan doesn't do that. Instead, he just looks at Seb, before suddenly making his way past him and walking out into the hall. Seb is stunned for a second, confused, before he turns around.

"Evan," he says, still angry, but scared.

Evan doesn't answer him. Instead, Seb can hear the sound of him putting on his boots and getting his jacket, and panic rises in Seb's chest.

"Where are you going?" he says, fear drowning out the anger, as he makes his way out into the hall. He finds Evan shrugging his jacket on, and he just glances at Seb, before opening the door.

"Out," he says curtly, and Seb takes a step closer. But Evan just holds up his hand, making Seb stop dead in his tracks.

"Don't." The single word is cold, harsh, and it's almost as though the sheer power of it makes Seb unable to move.

He can't move, and he can only watch, helplessly, as Evan throws him one last glance and walks out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

Chapter 20

Rain

Evan won't answer his phone.

Seb just stood there, at first, not moving for what he could have sworn were several minutes, after Evan stormed out. Then, he got angry again, practically shouting at thin air, pacing, restless. He had no outlet, really, no way of venting the sudden anger he felt, which drowned out any hurt or fear he was feeling before.