Authors: Cathy Ostlere
Karma (16 page)
Nightmare
I am falling. Down a narrow hole. Sinking into the darkness where air is thick and powdery. I reach up for something to grab, to stop the sickening descent. My hands open, close, fight for the sky above and then I touch it. The smooth thing. Softer than sand.
A rope thrown into my hands.
I grip as tightly as I can. Wrap it around my wrist.
Don't let go,
a voice calls from the circle of light above.
(Whatever you do, don't let go.)
Half drowned
I wake-up vomiting.
You should have let Akbar handle it,
Barindra says quietly.
You mean manhandle Maya.
I mean navigate the sand.
Where is she?
Gone.
I sit up so quickly my head explodes. Eyes gored with needles. Light flashing white orange green.
Gone? What do you mean gone? Where? With Akbar?
Maya did not go with Akbar, Sandeep. She ran oï¬ after he pulled you out of the quicksand. You lost consciousness and we were so concerned we didn't even notice.
Is he looking for her?
Yes.
I struggle to stand up. Head reeling with pain. But Barindra puts a hand on my shoulder and pushes me down.
No, Sandeep.
But the sun! It'll be dark soon!
Listen. It's possible that Akbar has already found her and is on his way back.
It's also possible that Akbar will just take her straight to his village and I'll never see her again!
Sandeep. Maya has chosen her fate. What will be will be.
She has chosen nothing! You left her no option but to run!
She could have told us who she is!
But she wasn't ready, Pita. Don't you see that? Fear not only stole her voice but robbed her of the will to help herself! And because of your impatience you've condemned her to a life with Akbar or death!
Sandeep. I am sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I was just trying to put the safety of my family first.
Then everything you've ever taught me about humanity has been false. You were supposed to see and protect her soul! Not sell it out!
You are young, Sandeep. One day you will understand the difficult choices adults must make.
A difficult choice? Or the soft weak nature of an ageing heart?
Alone
He returns in the dark.
No conquering hero.
No slave girl tied to his camel.
No Maya, safe and sound.
Barindra weeps.
See what you've done, Sandeep, Akbar sneers. Maya's going to die out there. Is that what you wanted?
You did this to her, Akbar! With your selfish lust and medieval ideas about owning women!
I was doing her a favour. At least she'd have a home with me. What were you oï¬ering? Nothing but your doe eyes. She can't eat romance, Sandeep.
And you only wanted her because you derived pleasure from torturing me!
Well, you're half right. But I actually am quite taken with the girl now. She's even more haunting than the rumours. So, if I find her, I'm going to kill two birds with one stone. Have a beautiful wife and steal your future. Like you stole mine.
I haven't taken anything from you, Akbar!
No? The way I see it, you've robbed me of my life, Sandeep! Because you are selfish, spoiled, and think only of yourself! And soon, you will know what it's like to lose someone you love! And just like your dead family, the blame will rest with you!
Don't you ever shut up, Akbar? Leave the story of my life alone! It's mine!
You're wrong again, Sandeep. You see your history is also my history.
What are you going on about, Akbar? Barindra asks.
The truth, old man! About Sandeep's past! Where he's from! Who he is! And what he's done!
I don't know what you're talking about, Akbar. Sandeep's family died in a storm. No one survived to tell what happened. I know because I was there.
Well, so was I.
Darkness
You're making it up.
I'm not making it up, you stupid boy.
Explain what you know, Akbar, says Barindra. Before Sandeep tries to attack you again.
On that day of the great storm it was my job to watch over Sandeep. But he was a brat and he never listened. Even then, people said he was a bastard child.
Don't react yet, Sandeep! Akbar, you couldn't have been there. Everyone was dead when Farooq, Parvati, and I arrived. Everyone. Except Sandeep.
You're wrong. I wasn't dead. You just didn't look hard enough. You didn't think that there might have been other children?
Yes, we saw another child. But she didn't survive. So where were you, Akbar?
My ears are ringing. Head banging as if my brain is swinging inside a copper pot. There's a question hovering, on the edges of a dream. Another child? A girl?
I got tired of chasing after this little shit so I went in
a tent. When the storm hit I stayed inside. That's what I was taught to do. After that, I must have fallen asleep. When I woke the tent had collapsed under the weight of sand and I couldn't move. I heard people calling out. But I was too weak to make a sound. Days later, a cousin of Farooq's came to scavenge the camp and found me. Half dead.
You're lying, Akbar!
I yell.
Everything that comes out of your mouth is a fucking lie!
Sandeep!
Barindra shouts at me.
We will hear Akbar's story!
No, we won't hear Akbar's story because he's full of shit. Chunks of shit. Rivers of shit. Everything he says is shit. Brown, slimy, stringy bits of undigested palek paneer! Yes. That's what you're made of. Your own bullshit, Akbar! I'm surprised your teeth aren't brown. Oh, wait a minute, they are! Brown like your shit-brown eyes. Brown like your stupid camels. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. I don't know how you see, hear, or talk with all the bullshit that oozes out of your body. You're not my brother! You're a steaming pile of shit with a green turban balanced on top!
I never said I was your brother, Sandeep. You did.
The bitter truth
Well, now that everything's out in the open, I look forward to going home, says Akbar. To see my mother. Well, not my real mother, of course. I mean the woman I was forced to call my mother, or she'd beat me. She has an excellent salve for deep cuts.
I can't look at him.
By the way, Sandeep, I don't need your pity,
says Akbar.
If Maya, by some miracle, shows up, she'll be my consolation.
Barindra has to hold me down while Akbar laughs.
Shame
I don't know how you'll ever sleep again, Sandeep. You've been the architect of Maya's fate from the very beginning. Instead of trying to actually help her, you've been acting like the tour guide for your own infatuation.
Aren't you ashamed? She's gone. Your mother's dead. Your father, too, who taught you that the desert would reveal your heart. You quoted the words but forgot the man! Oh, yes, and your sister. My sister. Killed. By you.
The girl.
And you couldn't even bother to remember.
The girl in my dream.
December 4, 1984
Morning's light
Barindra goes south. Akbar west. I follow their routes from the top of a dune.
Don't you touch her!
I shout across the sand.
I watch my brother cross the desert, mounted on his powerful camel. Bells ringing on the bridle, green turban catching the first rays of the sun. He looks like a warrior out of an ancient tale. The evil one dressed in black.
I try not to think about what Akbar whispered to me: If I find her, she's going to be grateful. Very grateful indeed.
Maya!
I shout into the air.
I wanted to search too. Take Moomal into the north. But Barindra pleaded with me:
Maya may find her way back. Stay. Wait. Please, Sandeep.
Maya!
I throw my voice to the wind.
He's afraid he'll lose me.
I wonder if Akbar is right?
Did I encourage Maya's silence so she wouldn't speak and leave?
Did I keep her locked inside my dream?
Maya the Beautiful. Maya the Lost Girl.
Maya Who Belonged to Me.
Did I want my story to be called:
Sandeep the Saviour?
Maya!
My throat fills with dawn and tears.
Jiva's Journal
December 5, 1984
Wake up
Why?
It's time.
For what?
To get moving.
But I like it here. I'm all alone. No one can hurt me if no one can find me. That's what Bapu said. Do you remember him?
You can't hide forever. If you stay here, the desert will take you.
Why?
Because that's what happens.
I'll sleep just a little more. The sand is nice and warm like a blanket.
You have to get up. There's something you must do.
What?
You know what.
But there's no point. I waited for him. Only death can break a father's promise. Bapu said that too.
He might have been wrong. So get up. You need to hurry. The desert is waking.
But why?
Because that's what it does.
Don't you think you're being a bit dramatic?
No.
And you're not going to drop this, are you?
No.
Fine. I'll get up. Which way should I go, Mata?
Follow the light, Maya.
My voice
I have a brand new diary!
A gift from Sandeep.
For your words, Maya,
he said.
For everything you couldn't say.
His hands shook as he gave it to me.
My hands shook as I took it.
Oh, I have missed this.
A book.
A pen.
The empty page waiting.
Waiting for my voice!
The journal is delicate.
Hand-made paper.
Soft and uneven.
Mottled with dark threads.
Plants? Insect wings?
The spine is stitched with unbleached string.
He gave me a fountain pen too!
No need to press hard and raise the print through to the other side.
The slitted nib will draw
words out easily.
Liquid thoughts.
Swelling letters.
A river of ink flowing black and wet.
Flooding the paper banks.
Oh, I have missed this voice.
My written soul.
Thank you, Sandeep.
You're welcome, meri jaan.
My love.
A new life
So how to begin?
December 5, 1984.
Where?
On a train heading east.
Final destination: Delhi!
Now a salutation.
Dear Sandeep? Dear Mata? Dear Bapu?
Will I always have this problem?
I listen to the train skip across the desert.
Click. Click. Click.
The wheels roll over a scar of track.
Click. Click. Click.
Beating like a fleeing heart.
Click. Click. Click.
Dear Heart.
(That should do it.)
Hurry!
I want to shout at the engineer.
Hurry!
There's something I have to do.
Click. Click. Click.
I must catch up to my life.
Dear Heart
I'm back.
Found
We found each other in the darkness.
Our eyes closed.
Stinging with sand and tears.
Sandeep. It's me. Maya.
No, it isn't.
Outside the wind screamed. Canvas pressing onto our heads. Sand drifting between the knotted ties like rising waves.
Yes, it's me. I followed the light. The fire.
No. No one could have survived that storm.
You did.
But not you, Maya.
Then who is next to you if it isn't me?
The mind invents what the body desires. I've made you out of my imagination.
Sandeep, listen. I didn't die in the storm. The fire guided me back. You saved me. Open your eyes. See for yourself.
No.
Why are you being so stubborn?
Because I can bear blindness but not a world without you.
Okay. You keep your eyes closed and I'll prove my existence in another way.
I put my lips to his. I wasn't even sure how to do it. Do you press hard? Soft? Is the mouth open or closed? What happens with the teeth?
But it didn't matter.
We found each other in the darkness.
His mouth tasting of lemon and a cool river.
His tongue smooth like a sea-worn pebble.
I didn't know all sound could disappear with a kiss.
Flee
We're on the run.
Last night we raced across a purple desert.
Moomal galloping under Sandeep's whip.
A cloud of sand churned by desire.
See, she's not lazy.
Sandeep laughs.
She just never had a purpose before.
We run with the wind until the air clears of dust. Stars flicker over our heads like far-off street lamps. The sky is a compass, Bapu used to say. Pointing the way to every corner of the world.
A herd of red
chinkaras
crosses our path.
Hooves stirring the dry earth. Legs lifting in perfect repeated unison.
See, Maya. One's never truly alone in the desert.
I don't think antelopes count as company!
Well, they should!
He laughs.
Faster, Moomla! Come on! We have a train to catch!
He tightens his arms around me.
Hurry!
I whisper into the darkness.