KATE GOSSELIN: HOW SHE FOOLED THE WORLD - THE RISE AND FALL OF A REALITY TV QUEEN (113 page)

Then Kate ran around smearing the “sewage” in Jamie’s son’s face, and he smeared it in Kate’s. Kate was still laughing as she got “sewage” in her mouth. A few minutes later, with all of the kids laughing
and running around playing and having a great time, Kate announced, “I’m done! Let’s call it quits! Let’s go!!”

Cut! Filming was done, so the kids’ fun was over, too.

It was nice to see the kids having fun, but Kate’s participation was confusing. Were we to believe that Kate, who called herself a “manic germophobe” in
Multiple Blessings
, and who has always been portrayed as an OCD clean freak, was OK with getting “raw sewage” in her mouth? This is the same woman who later in the trip wouldn’t go in the huge river during the rafting excursion because she was afraid there might have been pee in there; her own kids’ pee for that matter.

So which is it Kate? Are you a germophobe, or are you a complete faker and liar, pretending to have fun while “raw sewage” is being thrown in your face? Of course the mud wasn’t raw sewage, but they had to create a little fake drama for filming.

In another scene, the RVs pulled over for a few minutes to let the kids out for some fresh air and exercise. Once again, the kids were having a wonderful time running around and playing, but Kate said, “They’re sick of the RVs already and we haven’t really ridden in them yet, so we’re inventing fun … evidently,” as she looked on in disgust. It is astonishing how she can take the pleasure out of most normal childhood experiences. Most parents who see their children thoroughly enjoying themselves would allow their fun to continue for as long as possible. Kate is not most parents.

There was nothing that was pleasing to Kate about this trip. While complaining about her seat being uncomfortable, Kate said, “I’m sure there’s RVs that are convenient in the world. This is not one of them.”

I’ll bet the company that let TLC use their RVs was really happy about their vehicle being bad-mouthed like that on television.

Kate has completely forgotten who she is and where she came from. She’s a hillbilly from a cow pasture in rural Pennsylvania. She is not a star. She has no marketable skills or talent that anyone can see. Where did she get this false sense of entitlement? She gave birth to six babies at one time. That’s the only reason anyone knows her name.

NEXT STOP, MOUNT RUSHMORE

“Traveling is knowledge. Traveling is learning.

Traveling is life experience. I’m a huge advocate of traveling.”

– Kate Gosselin

Kate Gosselin is a huge advocate of traveling when someone else is paying for it.

When the traveling Gosselin side-show reached Mount Rushmore in South Dakota, Cara started to tell us about the Presidents on the national memorial, specifically pointing out Teddy Roosevelt. Kate quickly interrupted her daughter’s moment to correct her and tell us all that it is not, in fact, Teddy, it’s Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Kate informed us, “And that is FDR. Do you see it?”

Not only is Kate blindingly, shockingly stupid, she just couldn’t let Cara have her moment, and she wouldn’t let go. When her mistake was corrected on camera by a member of the crew, Kate looked angry and outraged. She said, “It’s Teddy Roosevelt, OK, correct me, whatever (rolling her eyes.) It’s one of those Roosevelt people. Ok, I think we can cut it. Wave it goodbye.”

Cut! Kate is not happy. Filming is done. The kids’ fun is done. And they drove away from this “educational” stop on their road trip. Move on to the next shot.

GRAND CANYON NATIONAL PARK

(One of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World)

“Grand Canyon, that’s where we’re going.

A huge missing chunk of Earth, deep crevicy thing.”

– Kate Gosselin

Kate was so awed by the sight of the Grand Canyon she just couldn’t find the words to adequately express her appreciation of it. Well, that really means she said the first stupid thing that came to her mind. As she stood at the edge of one of the most breathtaking sights in nature anyone will ever see, Kate uttered these inspired words:

“Whew, this is freaky! Wouldn’t wanna be here when an earthquake strikes.”

“Oh, I am just so like, freakazoided. It’s like wasted land, I mean, like what could you ever do besides come and gawk at it?”

Her friend Jamie, who does not pretend to know everything about everything like Kate does, appeared to understand this was supposed to be an educational trip, so she said, “I wonder how far it stretches.”

Kate, looking at the cameraman for approval, answered: “Like ten thousand miles or something!?”

(Educational note to Kate: The Grand Canyon is actually 277 miles long. Not 10,000. Close enough for Kate, though.)

Earlier, Kate had sent Cara and Mady back to the RV with Ashley due to bad behavior. Her family was at the Grand Canyon filming a television show, and Kate sucked all that joy out of it for her girls, and once again, made everything about her. “They came to take a picture and they’re gone! I will not take it!” she said.

As Jamie and Kate were staring out at the wondrous scene before them, Jamie said, “It’s too bad Ashley, Mady and Cara aren’t going to see all this.”

Kate nonchalantly remarked: “I know!”

THE FACTS OF REALITY LIFE

For these “unscripted” RV trip episodes, each of the kids was given facts to inform us about various things so they could pretend to know about them and seem well-educated. When they visited Old Faithful, Hannah spoke out of turn and Mady snapped, “Hannah! That was my fact! I’m starting over!” That prompted this exchange between Kate and Mady:

Kate: “Do you want to go sit on the end of the bench?”

Mady: “No, I want to start over!”

Kate: “No. Nobody’s listening twice!!”

Then to make sure everyone knew how difficult everything was for her, Kate announced, “I’m about to spew like that thing. I’m getting really close.”

The kids were loving watching Old Faithful shoot boiling water and steam into the air. They wanted to stay, but the crew had gotten their shot and that’s all that mattered to Kate. As soon as she had had enough of watching “that thing” and putting up with a few people taking pictures, she was ready to leave.

“Let’s get outta here before we’re photographed to pieces. Let’s go!”

CAMPFIRE COOKING

The best part of this whole fake, scripted episode is when it was decided that Kate was going to cook dinner over a “campfire.” Kate made a big deal about never having cooked over a “campfire,” and the
kids were shown gathering rocks and wood and brush. Kate disappeared with Steve in an SUV for several hours to go shopping for organic chicken.

Later, we saw a campfire being started with the wood the kids had gathered, and we were given the impression that Kate was cooking the chicken over the campfire. There was just one minor detail. The producers/editors at TLC made the mistake (or was it a mistake?) of showing a close-up of Kate cooking the chicken, not over the wood-burning campfire they had shown us moments earlier, but on a grill rack placed over charcoals exactly like the charcoals Kate has in her grill at her house, the one she claims she cooks on very often. She looked surprised that the chicken got burned as it sat unattended for too long on that grill in extreme heat, dripping fat onto the hot coals just inches below.

Then, during the scene, Kate threw a fit saying, “These kids have like no clue what this takes!”

(I’m pretty sure that
7-year-olds don’t really need to know basic grilling skills.)

She later said, “It’s shocking, um, (Kate wide-eyed) I mean I enjoyed it actually. I’ve never cooked over a campfire and I grill all the time, but that doesn’t count. I nearly burned it, but it was still edible so we’re good.”

PIZZA PARTY

While standing outside of a luxury RV being angry and put off…Kate said, “I’ve never stood next to an RV in flip flops on gravelly stones and ordered takeout. It’s really odd. It’s time to go home.” That summed up her mood and things continued to spiral downward from there.

Kate threw a tantrum and had a total meltdown on camera because Jamie and Ashley had the nerve to allow the children to eat some of the last four remaining slices of pizza. Kate flipped out because the pizza was supposed to be for the adults for lunch and Steve had “reserved” a slice the night before. There was one slice left and Mady, Kate’s own flesh and blood, handed it to Steve without wrapping it in foil or putting it on a plate. Kate blew her top. Judging from her over-reaction, you would have thought that Mady had contaminated the pizza with nuclear waste. Kate screamed about how disgusting it was. Poor Mady, clearly upset, said, “Mommy, I’m sorry. I didn’t know, Okay?” Kate’s comforting words to her were, “It’s not your fault. The adults in there should tell you to stay out of the fridge.”