Kev (23 page)

I realized I had to stall for time. There was
no telling what sort of nightmare B24ME could think up. I had to
figure out a way to get off the show, get Clive off the show, and
get both of us out of hell. Yes, I wanted to save Clive. I believed
that trapping him in hell for all eternity was a terrible idea, and
that I had to find some other way to stop him from ending all
creation.

“Where is Clive?” I said.

“On Excretor, of course. He has died fifty
times. I guess he hasn’t figured out how to escape the ants. You
know…teleport right at the moment you see that pretty flash of
light. Of course, you can’t teleport in hell, so there really is no
way to escape. A lovely end, don’t you think?”

“Well, I’m your boss, so if I tell you to let
Clive off the hook, you have to let him off the hook. Set him free
and take him off The Show.”

“Nope. The contract specifically states that
if you should ever give the cube to another person, that person
enters automatically into the same contract that you have with me.
I have to say, you really thought of everything, Turd Fondler.”

Running out of options, I said, “Don’t you
think it would be better for ratings if you put Clive and I through
challenges together? By the way, don’t you get extra compensation
for better ratings? You must, right?” I was pretty sure I was right
about that, and thought I might have, at least to some extent,
B24ME on a leash.

“What do you have in mind?” said B24ME.

“You put Clive and me through some challenges
together, challenges we have a chance of winning. You build up
ratings, and then you can throw whatever you want at us. I don’t
see how you could refuse that offer.”

“Well, it’s not really an offer, is it? It’s
more of a desperate attempt to save yourself, but I have to admit,
it is a brilliant idea.”

“Bring Clive back,” I said.

Clive appeared in front of me, a wild look in
his eyes. He lunged at me and grabbed me by the throat, choking me.
I tried to fight him off, but he was far too strong. I soon died,
saw a flash of light and then reawakened on the ground, Clive
standing over me, panting. “Why the hell did you do that to me?” he
screamed.

“Clive, I’m sorry. Let me explain,” I said,
holding my hands out in front of me, fearing another attack.

“My name is Clive?” he said.

“Yes. Let me explain. You are my best friend,
or at least I think you were my best friend. Maybe it was all an
act, but I’m not so sure about that. Anyway, you are Satan and you
are trying to end all creation, and I thought that if I trapped you
in hell and got you on The Show, you would never escape and
wouldn’t be able to end all creation.”

“How touching,” said B24ME in the
background.

Clive and I both said, “shut up,” at the same
time.

“So, I’m Satan?” said Clive, now somewhat
calmer, but shaking slightly, a fearful look on his face. How could
I have so easily thrown him on The Show? How could I have so easily
lured him into hell? I felt terrible.

“Yes.”

“Why do I want to end all creation?” said
Clive.

“You know, I don’t have all day, boys,” said
B24ME.

“Shut up, B24ME. You’ll get your chance,” I
growled.

“Yeah, you bastard,” said Clive.

“Look, Clive, I thought we were playing some
sort of game before, but I now think what is really happening is
that you have somehow manipulated the universe in an attempt to use
me to end all creation. At least, all the evidence seems to point
to that, or at least what evidence I can remember. I still don’t
have all my memories back,” I said, getting back onto my feet.

“Why would I want to do that?” said
Clive.

“I don’t know. Maybe because you’re Satan,” I
offered.

“Well, I don’t want to end all creation right
now. I just want to get out of this place.”

“Enough small talk boys. Time for a
challenge,” said B24ME.

Clive and I appeared in a small office
sitting across from a young, towheaded boy behind a battered metal
desk, a desk that appeared to have come from some apocalyptic tag
sale.

“Hey,” said the boy.

“Uh, hey,” said Clive. “Who are you?”

“I’m Timmy, but you can call me Az,” said the
boy, a smile on his face, his black eyes wide and unblinking.

“So, the challenge is quite simple, gents,”
interjected B24ME. “All you have to do is beat Az in a staring
contest.”

“That’s stupid,” I said.

“Would you prefer another challenge?” said
B24ME, threateningly. “I could think up something quite nice if you
don’t approve of this one.”

“No, this one is fine,” said Clive. “How is
Timmy, er, Az, going to have a staring contest with both of us? Are
we going one at a time?”

“I’m looking both of you in the eyes,” said
Timmy, a broad grin on his face.

Clive and I looked at Timmy.

“He looking at you, Clive?” I said.

“Yeah, you?” said Clive.

“Yeah. Strange.”

“Let’s begin,” said B24ME.

Within a second, I blinked. Az pointed at me
with one finger, a finger that transformed into a wooden spike, a
wooden spike that extended with alarming speed and ran me through,
piercing my heart and killing me. I saw a flash of light and then
found myself starting at Az again, trying my hardest not to
blink.

“This isn’t good,” said Clive, blinking and
getting the same treatment.

I might have lasted another thirty seconds
before I blinked again, impaled by Az’s brutally transformed
finger.

Clive blinked soon after.

This went on for hours, hours of torment with
no hope of relief. I don’t know how many times we were killed. It
had to have been thousands of times, our time spent staring at Az,
blinking, dying and resurrecting, all while listening to B24ME
laughing in the background, sometimes taunting us and calling us
ridiculous names, “the kebab brothers” his favorite.

Finally, in a moment of clarity, after coming
back to life, Clive, keeping eye contact with Az, stood up, leaned
over the desk and punched Az in the face, causing him to blink.

“Hey, no fair,” cried Az.

“You’re lucky I didn’t kill you, you little
monster,” said Clive.

“Well, I see you two are up to the challenge,
although, I have to say it took you long enough to figure things
out,” said B24ME, disappointment quite evident in his voice.

“Are all of the challenges like this?” said
Clive.

I didn’t want to say it, but I had to be
honest, “Most are worse.”

“Who the hell created this show?” said
Clive.

“We did,” I said, wondering what ever
possessed me to create this show.

“What the hell?” said Clive.

“Are you boys ready for your next challenge?”
said B24ME. “Do you need more time to talk about stupid decisions
and whatnot?”

“Whatever, B24ME. What’s the next challenge?”
I said.

Clive and I appeared in a large arcade,
surrounded by ancient video games, games I recognized from my
youth.

“Whoa,” said Clive. “Are we going to play
video games?”

“Such a bright boy,” said B24ME. “Yes, you
are. Well, you are going to play one game. You get to choose which
one. If you both beat the game, you win the challenge.”

Clive and I had spent a lot of time at an
arcade near my aunt’s house that summer he stayed with me. We would
play for hours. Clive was quite good. I lacked skill. I could tell
this would be a difficult challenge for me, and I believed that I
would be dragging Clive down, so I said, “If Clive wins and I
don’t, can he sit things out until I win?”

“Nope,” said B24ME, blissfully. “You both
play together, and you both have to win together.”

“Lovely,” said Clive. “You suck at video
games, Kev. We’re never going to win.” Clearly, Clive had started
to remember some things.

“Well, it’s just video games,” I said,
totally unaware of what B24ME had in store for us.

“Let’s find Space Bugs. You aren’t that bad
at that,” said Clive, looking around for the one game that I had
some small ability to play.

“I don’t see it,” I said. “You go that way
and I’ll go this way. I’m sure it’s here. There are like a million
games in here. B24ME, do you have Space Bugs?”

“If you find it, you can play it. If not,
you’ll have to choose something else,” said B24ME.

We split up, both hunting for the game, Clive
eventually finding it and calling out to me. I joined him in front
of the game and said, “B24ME, only one player can play at a
time.”

“Oh, don’t worry. Our version of the game
allows two players to play at the same time,” said B24ME.

“Well, where is that one?” said Clive.

I appeared inside the cockpit of some sort of
space ship. In front of me I saw a flight stick with a trigger. I
looked out of the window of the ship and ahead saw strange, glowing
bugs in the distance. They looked like winged ants and flies, but I
couldn’t be sure. I looked to my left and saw a ship not far from
me, a ship that looked remarkably similar to the ships in Space
Bugs. I understood.

“Holy crap,” said Clive, his voice coming
through a speaker on the left wall of my craft.

“Yeah, holy crap.”

“So, all you have to do is win the game,”
said B24ME. “You have to clear all of the levels without losing all
your lives. Easy, right?”

Something told me this would be anything but
easy. “How many lives do we have?” I said.

“Five lives each,” said B24ME.

“Kev, you remember how to play, right?
Remember to double up your ship. We can do that, right B24ME?”

“The rules are the same as in the real game,”
said B24ME, “for the most part.”

“What’s different?” I said, trying to
remember the game.

“You’ll see,” said B24ME. “Ready?”

“Yeah,” said Clive.

Ahead of me, I saw movement as some of the
ant-like crafts started winding their way to Clive and me, firing
missiles at us. I dodged the missiles, steering my craft left and
right (the only two directions we were allowed to go.) I lined up a
shot and fired, feeling a mild electric shock when I fired,
thinking that a little odd.

Clive proceeded in the same way, dodging and
firing.

“Are you getting shocked?” called out
Clive.

“Yeah,” I said, evading another missile and
taking out a large, glowing fly. I noticed that the intensity of
the shocks was increasing each time I took a shot, and realized
things were going to get pretty bad pretty soon.

“Ow!” cried Clive.

By the time we cleared the level, each of us
managing to stay alive, the shocks had intensified to an alarming
level.

As the next wave flew into place in front of
us, I said, “B24ME, are the shocks going to start back at low power
each time we clear a level?” I prayed he would say yes.

“You’ll see,” laughed B24ME.

The shocks did decrease in intensity, but
were more intense than they were at the beginning of the first
level. We started clearing the level. Clive called out, “Try to
double up.”

Doubling up happened when you struck one of
the larger flies with one of your missiles in the center of its
head, right between the eyes. If you did that, another ship
identical to yours would attach to your ship, giving you double the
firepower, but also double the exposure.

Clive and I cleared out some of the little
ships, and then one of the big guys came down, Clive firing at it
and striking it right between the eyes. Clive screamed.

“What happened?” I called out.

“That really sucked. When you double up you
are going to get the shock of your life,” said Clive.

“Great.”

We continued firing on the ships. Eventually,
another big guy came down, and this time I nailed it between the
eyes. Clive’s warning proved true. I received a shock of such
magnitude that I thought my skin had burned off. However, I didn’t
think much of it, just happy that I now had double the
firepower.

There were still a number of enemies left,
and I noticed that they were now moving much faster and were much
harder to hit. Further, their missiles moved faster.

Not long after doubling up, a missile struck
my second ship, destroying it. Again, I felt a terrifying shock,
but I did not lose a life.

We cleared the level, Clive still in
possession of his second ship, me stuck with just one ship.

“Well, at least we haven’t died,” said
Clive.

I had absolutely no doubt in my mind that we
would soon learn what dying would be like in this game, no doubt at
all.

The new level started and things went well
for a while, but I ended up dying after two of the enemy ships
dive-bombed me, converging on me from both sides.

This language lacks the words required to
describe the pain I felt before dying and seeing a flash of light,
reborn into a new ship.

“Not good,” I called out to Clive, right
before he died, his scream so loud it overloaded my speaker,
completely blowing it out. I couldn’t hear Clive anymore.

We cleared five more levels, a difficult task
given that we could not coordinate our efforts. Clive died once and
I died twice. I couldn’t remember how many levels Space Bugs had,
and prayed that we didn’t have many more left, but realized that
there was a strong chance that B24ME’s version of this game would
have far more levels than the arcade game.

“B24ME, how many levels are there?” I
said.

“Six hundred, sixty-six,” said B24ME. “Having
fun yet?”

“Go to hell,” I said.

“I think I already have,” laughed B24ME, as a
missile whizzed by me with alarming speed. How many levels were
left? I had lost count. I realized that I would not be able to win
this iteration of the game. There was no way I would win, and I was
certain Clive would not win either. How many games would it take?
What would happen after we lost all of our lives? I did not want to
find out, but I knew I would.