Kicking and Screaming
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Authors: Jordan Silver
Kicking and Screaming
By
Jordan Silver
All Rights Reserved
Who does he think he is? I mean really. Just because you come from wealth, does not mean you have to be a stuck up stick in the mud with a nightstick up your ass.
Besides, my family comes from wealth too, though we haven't actually had any for a few generations, but still, we're still known as The Doves, in certain circles.
I wish my poor sister could see him for what he really is. Poor thing, she's so blinded by love for her fiancé Michael, that she hasn't picked up on the innuendos and slights from his so called best friend.
I have. I haven't even met the man as yet and I already hate him. If I hear one more time what Jackson thinks or doesn't think, I'm going to fillet the bastard, just watch.
"Janet, I wish you would stop flitting around here so much, you're giving me a damn headache. It's not like he's royalty or some shit."
These people were like to drive me to drink with this nonsense. It has been days of the same roller coaster ride, all because Mr. High And Mighty was dropping in on us lesser beings for a couple hours of his precious time.
"Oh Maxie, I hope you don't speak like that when Mr. Collins gets here, it's very unbecoming."
My poor sister is demented. She knows me better than that. I wonder what made her think that because the rest of them had become brain dead overnight, that the same thing was going to happen to me.
She knows I call it like I see it. And what I see is a pompous, overrated, swell-headed jackass, that was gonna get it if he put one foot wrong in my house.
Of course, I’ve never clapped eyes on the phenomenon that was Jackson Collins in person, but I know what I know.
The bastard was in for a rude awakening if he thought I was going to bow and scrape for him like the rest of my twittering ninny siblings.
“And I know mother have told you that you are to be on your best behavior, that means no swearing at the poor man, and no giving him any of your sass.”
"You.... I’m not curtailing my usual proclivities just because that jackass is coming here...."
"Mama, Maxie's acting crazy again." She looked toward the door as the matriarch from hell waltzed in. Well shit.
"I sure wish you people would stop calling me crazy, just because I'm not on Jackson Collins' dick...."
"Maxie Irene, wherever did you learn such language? Wait until I tell your father young lady."
I rolled my eyes behind my mother's back. "Where do you think I got it from?" I mumbled under my breath. That one lives in a bubble with no surround sound and barely enough oxygen to keep a gnat alive, bless her heart.
"Sorry mother, I didn't know you'd come into the room." Or I would’ve been out before your shadow crossed mine. Mom and I don’t exactly see eye to eye on...just about anything.
She believes in burying her head in the sand until the crisis pass; while I believe in kicking shit in the balls and facing it head on.
"That's neither here nor there, a young lady should never speak like that; and what is that thing on your trousers?"
"She's been working on that bike of hers again; oil stains, that's what she's got all over her." Why was Janet my favorite again? Lately, with all this wedding nonsense, she’s been a real pain in my ass.
"Oh was Jonas here? I have some pre cooked meals I wanted to send for his father...."
"Jonas wasn't here mother, I don't need him to work on my bike."
"I wish you would act like the young lady you were reared to be; and do something with that hair."
"Mother, the king of Siam isn't due here for another week, my hair's just fine. I sure wish you two would lighten up."
"You need to get a wash and trim and have your nails done."
"I'd rather roast on a spit in hell..."
"Maxie...oh Conrad, thank goodness you're home, could you please have a talk with your daughter?"
"What did the imp do now?" My dad winked at me as he loosened his tie.
My hero. I'm a daddy's girl no question. While mom and my sisters Janet, Miranda and Jenny were all prissy little misses, I was quite different.
I'm second to the last after Miranda, Janet is the oldest and Jenny is the baby. Their biggest concerns in life, is landing rich husbands.
I on the other hand, was quite content with the middle class existence we lived.
Yes the Doves had once had great wealth, but that was a few generations ago.
Now, dad struggled to keep the one surviving business alive, while trying to keep up with the champagne taste of his wife and three of his daughters. Poor dad.
Now this stuff shirt is coming into the picture and turning my life upside down. I am so not amused.
“Well imp, what is it this time?” Dad walked over and wrapped an arm around my neck for a quick nuzzle.
He was the only one I ever let get that close, because he was the only one I could trust. Except Janet, but like I said, the wedding had made her loopy so I’m rethinking that one.
“It’s his bloody highness and his imminent arrival, which if I hear one more word about I’m going to stab myself in the eye with a pruning fork.”
“That’s attractive.” Dad grinned like the scamp that he was before mom started her screeching again.
“See what I mean Conrad, we can’t have her behaving this way in front of our guest.
Think of the impression she’ll make and what with poor Janet marrying into that family, whatever will they think of us?”
“If they can get over you and your insipid...”
“Maxie...” Dad held me back, from letting her have it.
So she thinks I’m an embarrassment does she? We’ll just see about that.
Jackson Collins better wear a protective cup, for all the crap I’ve had to put up with because of his arrival he’d be lucky to get away with just a tongue-lashing.
I left the room, or more like dad dragged me out of there before there was bloodshed, and I headed for my room to hide from the madness.
Jackson Collins, my stomach hurt just thinking the name.
"Geez, I can't believe THE Jackson Collins is going to be in our living room. Can you imagine? I just know he's going to fall for me, just wait and see."
Jenny was fussing with her hair and face. She did know he wasn't expected for at least another few days right?
I rolled my eyes and threw up in my mouth. As the days go by, it only gets worse.
The whole house is in an uproar, and mom have lost her mind, running around cleaning every speck of dust in a ten mile radius and trying to corral me into helping.
Later for that, I’ve been escaping her maniacal clutches every chance I get. She barely sees me at meal times and that’s only because dad bullied me into giving in to that.
Now this twit was preening like a peacock with half her goodies hanging out. And mom had the nerve to talk about the oil stains on my jeans the other day.
I wonder if she’s seen her trollop of a daughter in her latest get-up? Tramp.
"Oh hell Jenny, delusional much; if he's so high and mighty what the blazes would he want with a half witted twit like you?"
"You're just jealous because you don't stand a snow ball's chance in HE double hockey sticks of getting his attention."
"For your information Drusilla queen of the sluts, I wouldn't have his pompous ass on a prayer.
And who the hell talks like that? The word is hell you fruit cake." Jenny might be younger than me by ten months, but she's a monster bitch.
It's like she got all the nasty, where the rest of us only got small portions. I always want to bash her face in.
"How do you know he's pompous, and stop calling me that offensive name."
"If the crotch-less thong fits; anyway are you serious, did you not read any of those emails Janet received from Michael?
They're all full of, 'Jackson doesn't think this and Jackson doesn't like that'. I say who gives a good damn?"
“Well you have to expect a man of his station in life to have certain taste after all. That’s what makes him so scrumptious; he’s not like these other fools around here, who only play at being wealthy.
That’s why he’d be such a great catch for me, don’t you think?”
Now why would she go and set herself up like that? “That’s one fish that might throw the catcher back. If he has half a brain, he’d steer clear of your SARS infested ass.”
“I never had that and I wish you’d stop saying I did. I had a slight touch of pneumonia that’s all and the doctor said it was all cleared up.”
She sniffed and walked out of the room. Thank heavens; I can barely tolerate her and the other twat for a few minutes at a time.
I laid back against my pillows and stared up at the ceiling. It was only when I was alone that I could let my guard down and admit to myself that I was worried.
I pressed down on the butterflies in my stomach and practiced my breathing exercise.
Crap, it's D-day, the day his royal pain in my ass was due to arrive.
Michael came in last night from Texas and he and Jan had disappeared, not to be seen or heard from again.
"What's got you so antsy imp?" Dad snuck up on me. No doubt his wife had set him as sentinel to watch over the problem child and see that she didn’t crap on the carpet in front of her illustrious guest.
"I hate this crap dad, I mean, have you seen the women in this house? They've all lost their minds, including your wife, they're like the pod people."
"Hahaha, give them a break baby, they're just excitable that's all. Let them enjoy all this wedding nonsense, we'll keep the straight heads around here, make sure they don't put us in hock."
"That's not it dad, it's this Collins character, I mean what's the big deal? The guy's a heel." I won’t have my dad falling under the spell of the enemy no matter how much money or know how he had.
Mr. Hotshot was supposed to be some type of financial wiz kid who could give dad some much-valued pointers. Pfft, probably just another crockpot.
"Oh, so you've met this person before?"
"You know I haven't dad."
"So basically you're judging someone and you haven't even set eyes on him in person, not even once. That doesn't sound at all like my imp, that sounds more like your little sister...."
"You take that back, them there's fighting words old man."
He laughed and ruffled my hair.
No one takes me seriously around here. One thing is for sure. If that jackass puts one foot wrong, or do anything to mess up Janet's perfect wedding, I'm gonna punch his lights out.