Killing Honor (13 page)

~*~*~

Brody

I stared at the beer bottle in front of me, not really seeing it. I shouldn’t have agreed to come out tonight with the guys, but going home had even less appeal. I hadn’t talked to Devyn at all today, not since our fight last night that ended up with her leaving the bedroom.

I hadn’t slept at all, missing the warmth that she’d provided and mostly, feeling all the frustration in the world, because I didn’t know how to talk to my own wife.

“Hey, Eeyore!” Urban grinned as he clapped me on the back, obviously already drunk. “You gonna smile or what? Because you’ve been nursing that beer for an hour.”

“Fuck off, Dylan,” I said, pushing his hand off.

“Dude, are you on your period or something?” he asked. 

Hardy grabbed his arm. “Hey, Dylan, let’s go to the bar and get some shots.” Urban readily agreed and started toward the bar. Hardy glanced back as he followed him with an apologetic look on his face.

It wasn’t Dylan’s fault. I was in a shitty mood.

“How’s Devyn handling you at home?” Murphy slid into the seat. “I’m assuming the mood has to do with her.”

“You assume right. She’s pissed at me.”

“What did you do?”

“Nothing. I don’t think I did, anyway.” I shook my head. Really, I was just confused about the whole thing. One minute she was happy, and the next she was distant and cold. I couldn’t figure it out. There was no rhyme or reason for it. There was no pattern. 

“It must be rough.”

“What?” I peered at Murphy, expecting a smart ass retort. Murphy had it easy. He had no family. No one to miss him. No one to get mad at him. At least, I didn’t think he did. He didn’t really talk to anyone but Hardy for the most part. The two had been childhood friends, grown up together, went to BUD/S together. We always joked that Hardy was Murphy’s other half. But the truth was that Murphy was this incredibly private individual. He was our squad leader, and he had that commanding presence that demanded obedience. 

“Coming home, and seeing that life went on without you.”

I stared at Murphy. How did he do that? Murphy was some kind of magic psychic or something.

“I mean, your kids were two weeks old when you left. And I’m thinking they’re probably walking and talking now and you didn’t see any of it.”

“Yeah.” Hearing my thoughts voiced hurt, left a sharp pain in my lung.

“I think that’s the hardest thing I come across in the SEALs. All these guys leave and when they come back, they expect everything to be the same.” Murphy paused, his blue eyes scanning the busy dance floor.

“I don’t expect—”

“I’m still talking, Battles,” Murphy snapped. I blinked, because he seemed angry with me. “Still, it’s a pretty selfish point of view, you know. Life doesn’t revolve around us. Life goes on, and people have to cope with our absence.”

I didn’t have anything to reply to that. And it was probably safer if I didn’t. Murphy had been drinking heavily for the last hour or so too. He handled it better than Urban, but it was obvious he was feeling it pretty well. He had a temper, though it smoldered rather than light up like a Roman candle. But when it blew, it was dangerous.

“Personally, rather than lamenting that things have changed, I’d think about how I could contribute to the new order. Devyn’s had two years to get her life into place without you. She’s handled
twins
of all things with all the grace she could. From what Bonham’s wife says, she’s done a damn fine job.”

“You think I’m an asshole, don’t you.” It wasn’t so much a question as what I thought of myself. Murphy was right. I had been thinking about how things had changed, rather than how I fit into this life. It was a bit like culture shock. Two years overseas fighting arms dealers and terrorists and it was a couple of toddlers that brought me to my knees.

“Nah, just clueless.” The corner of his mouth lifted slightly, almost like a twitch of a smile. “Smart guys would have gone home to their wives by now so they could talk. Instead, you’re hanging out with Tweedle Dumber and Tweedle Dumbest.”

“Doesn’t that make you Tweedle Dumb?”

“Don’t push your luck, Battles. Pretty sure that’s you, actually. I was smart enough not to get involved with a woman.”

He had me there, not that I would have changed anything if I could. I loved Devyn. And maybe, just maybe it was time to show her that.

I stood up and dropped a twenty on the table. “I’ll see you ‘round, Murphy.”

“Tell Devyn I said hi.”

“Hell no. I want her to like me.” I heard Murphy’s low chuckle as I turned and left the bar. 

Twenty minutes later, I pulled my truck into the driveway. The house was dark. She’d gone to bed. What’s worse was she’d gone to bed without a word to me. Maybe I deserved that.

I unlocked the front door and was greeted by silence and darkness. In an eerie way, it reminded me of the dream I’d had the first night. Except when I hit the stairway, there was no blood soaking into the carpeted steps. There was no painful moan.

Everyone was safe here.

I slipped into the bedroom, hearing the soft breathing from my wife in the bed. I knelt down beside the bed, where I could see her face, even in the moon’s light. I lifted my hand and lightly stroked her soft cheek. Her eyes fluttered open. “Brody? What time is it?”

She tried to peer bleary-eyed at the clock, but I shook my head. “Late.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Everything.” I sighed. “You know that I love you, right?”

“Sure.” She yawned. “Is that what you woke me up for?”

“No. Yes. Kinda.” 

Way to be decisive, there
.

“I thought we were going to be honest with each other.” She sat up in the bed, readjusting the pretty camisole with the lace border.

“Okay.” I nodded. “That’s fair. I’m an asshole, Devyn. I’ve been so wrapped up with work and finally being home and trying to be a father for the first time that I forgot about you.”

“Brody…”

“I made you think twice about being married to me. And that is unacceptable. Because I’d never let you go, Dev. I really wouldn’t.”

She smiled, and touched my cheek. “Come to bed, Brody. You’ve been drinking. I can smell it on you.”

“Only enough to have courage to tell you the truth. Truth is… I stopped drinking an hour ago and just stared at my beer. Because I wanted to be here with you, and I was too damn stubborn to do it like I was supposed to do it.”

She shook her head. “Will you come to bed now then?” Perhaps she saw my hesitation. I wasn’t sure if she was dismissing me or giving me an answer. She let out a sleepy breath. “Last night, we both were pretty ugly to each other. And I missed you so much. I was so jealous.”

“Of what?”

She hesitated this time, her eyes lowering to her hands. “This is going to sound stupid.”

“Tell me.” I covered her hands with mine.

“Of Riley and Jackie.”

I blinked.

“I know. It’s stupid. To be jealous of two year olds. But you were trying so hard to make yourself part of their lives. And I loved that. Don’t get me wrong… but it felt like I wasn’t there at all.”

“I never meant for that.”

“I know. Just… come to bed, okay? We can talk tomorrow.”

“Really?”

“For reals. I’m exhausted. I scrubbed the tiles in the kitchen counter and I’m so tired.”

“Why did you do that?”

“Because I clean when I’m angry.”

Just another thing I hadn’t known about her. She didn’t use to do that. At least, not when we were kids. But I was fast realizing that I didn’t really know Devyn the adult. Between BUD/S and boot camp, and this last deployment, we’d actually been together as a married couple for only a little over a year. And somewhere in that time frame, Devyn had grown up.

I got ready for bed as quickly as I could, and slipped into the sheets with her, pulling her warm body against mine. My arm wrapped around her, my hand resting at the base of her rib cage. She snuggled her ass against me, and miracle of miracles, my dick didn’t go insta-stiff. Tonight wasn’t about sex, or anything like that. Tonight was about rest, and being close to my wife.

We had some things to work through, sure. There wasn’t a couple out there that didn’t. Lying there in the moonlight, my eyes fluttered shut, and I passed into the night time in silence.

Devyn

When I woke up the next morning, Brody was already up. He’d made coffee and a quick breakfast. I got the girls out of their cribs and changed them into clean clothes. We didn’t talk much when I took the girls downstairs. Breakfast was quiet, with the exception of Riley’s happy singing. It was at least an easy silence, not riddled with the tension of our fight the day before yesterday. But neither of us found the courage to speak of it again.

We’d both said things that maybe we meant, but shouldn’t have said. Both of us were misunderstanding each other, but neither of us knew how to fix it. But Brody had taken the first step last night, when he’d come home. He’d put himself out there, so the least I could do was do the same for him.

“I have to go,” Brody said. “Master Chief called a big briefing this morning.”

“Okay,” I whispered, focusing on cleaning Jackie’s face rather than look at him.

But he had other ideas. He hooked my chin and forced my head up. “Hey. We’re going to talk tonight, yes?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

He smiled, so much like the Brody I remembered. He kissed me sweetly. It was quick, but lingering as he pulled away. Somehow he always managed to make my heart go hippity-hop. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I had a thought. “Hey.”

He turned back. “Yeah?”

“Jane’s coming over for lunch today. She said she’d be happy to watch the kids so we could do grown-up things.”

He smiled at him, brightly. “Sounds like a great idea.” I grinned. Brody left a moment later.

Even though I had the girls there, the house still felt lonely without him. I finished giving the girls breakfast and went through my morning routine, cleaning up the after mess of the girls’ breakfast, getting them changed if they needed it, and finding something for them to do where I wouldn’t have to hover over them. Riley was the real culprit in these instances. She was always exploring. It was when she got quiet that I worried.

It was maybe thirty minutes before my doorbell rang while I was finishing up the dishes in the kitchen. I dried my hands on a kitchen towel and hurried to the door. The tall blond-haired guy at the door was instantly recognizable.

“Chris! What are you doing here?”

“Hi, Dee!”

I launched myself into Chris Hardy’s arms. I’d known him a while now, since I’d stayed with his family for a year after my dad split. His arms surrounded me, squeezing tightly. I loved his big brother hugs.

“About time you visited me. Brody’s been back for a week. I assume you came back with him.” I pulled back, my hands on his shoulders as I looked him over. Unlike Brody, his demeanor hadn’t had quite had such a drastic change. His dusty blond hair was as short as Brody’s ebony hair, with vivid blue eyes that pegged him as a Hardy. His twin sister had the same look to her, naturally, but hers weren’t nearly as haunted as Chris’s were.

“I did. Did you doubt me?” He pretended to look offended.

“No. I knew you’d be back. You promised me you’d bring Brody back.”

“And I did,” he said, but his million dollar smile slipped from his face. 

“Well, get in here,” I demanded, pulling him in the house. “Couch. Now.  Talk to me. How are you?”

He sat down on the couch obediently. Jackie gave him a “who are you?” look but otherwise he was ignored by the two as they watched their movie. 

“I’m good. Actually, I wondered how you were doing, with Brody home now?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Did he send you here?”

“No.” Chris shook his head. “He didn’t.”

“Really?”

“Honest! But damned if he wasn’t the biggest stick in the mud last night. Because he was worried about you.”

“I don’t want to talk about Brody.” Actually, that wasn’t true. I wanted to talk about Brody until the end of time, if only so I could work out my own thoughts.

“And that’s the problem, isn’t it? You used to chew my ear off about Brody when you guys first started dating.” I bit my tongue, because otherwise, I’d have started in on him. It didn’t seem right to talk about my problems with Brody without bringing them up to Brody first.

“Things change.”

“So do people,” he shot back. “Two years overseas does change a person.”

“You haven’t changed.”

“I have. A lot. But luckily, my immature and boyish charm has remained.” Chris flashed me a grin. I glanced into his eyes. They weren’t as haunted as Brody’s could get, but there was a little something in there. This was what happened when good men kept secrets. Even if they were necessary secrets.

“Have you heard from Addison lately?”

He broke eye contact with me. I followed his gaze, and realized he was looking at the twins. I supposed my twins might remind him a little of him and his sister.

He shook his head. “Nah. She’s in France, studying art or something art-like this semester. I don’t want to bother her.”