Killing Honor (11 page)

“It’ll be fine.”

“Just think about it, yes?”

“Fine.” 

Jane smiled. She leaned in and dropped a peck on Devyn’s cheek. “Good. I’ll ring you later.”

She walked out, and Devyn shut the door behind her. She didn’t turn immediately, so I went into the living room where the girls were watching Finding Nemo.

I’d been distant, minus that one day at the zoo. I’d kept them at arms’ length, because I wasn’t sure how to be a father to them. I desperately wanted to be closer to them. I wanted to be there when they grew up, played sports, sang in choir, or brought boys home. They had a lifetime ahead of them, and I’d missed two years of it already. I didn’t want to miss any more.

I sat down on the floor with them. Jackie immediately crawled into my lap. I didn’t know what I did to deserve that girl’s attention, but I was glad of it. Riley still stayed a few feet away, a toy truck in her hand, her eyes glued to the TV screen.

“How was your day?” Devyn’s voice from behind didn’t surprise me. But I didn’t face her. I couldn’t. Not when I had to lie and make her believe that everything was still perfect.

Devyn

Brody didn’t even turn his head when I spoke. He just pulled Jackie more into his lap. “It was fine.”

I didn’t want to be jealous of my own child, but I’d been having a hard time communicating with Brody, and it seemed that Jackie knew the secret. He had barely looked at me, never mind giving me a hug or a kiss. 

“That bad?”

“It was fine, I said. Just felt long.” He cleared his throat. “Jane seems nice.”

“She comes over every Tuesday for lunch.” Not that he needed to know that. But he didn’t really know about my life now, and I wanted to be open with him. I didn’t want him to be the outside.

“That’s good.” The tone of his voice didn’t sound good. “I’m glad you had people here for you, Dev.” Actually, he sounded miserable.

“I’d rather have had you,” I blurted. I hung my head when his eyes shifted to face me. I flushed. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. It wasn’t my intention to try to guilt him.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be here,” was the response. Calm. Even. Cool. I wished I could see his face, but he was facing the television.

“I didn’t mean it to accuse you.”

“I know.”

“Brody—”

“Could we not talk about this?” he interrupted.

“I guess we could stop,” I whispered and leaned back against the couch.

He sighed, deep and mournful. “I’m sorry, but I just spent the day in meetings and… I just… want to relax for a while.”

“Okay,” I said. I sunk back down to the couch. Why was this so difficult? Talking should have been easy. But instead of talking, every time I opened my mouth, my foot got shoved into it. Maybe it would be better if I didn’t say anything at all to him.

“Bird!” Jackie pointed at the TV, where Finding Nemo was playing. It was the scene with the seagulls. “Bird fly!” She put her arms out to her sides, and  shook them, no doubt thinking she was flapping them. Brody laughed, a real laugh. He took her hands in two fingers and flapped her arms for her, showing her.

Of course, Riley wanted in on the action as well, even if she was unsure of Brody. She crawled over and climbed in his lap, on his other leg. Riley screamed and pushed Jackie hard. Jackie got mad and pushed Riley. Pretty soon they were trying hard to do it simultaneously.

Brody overruled both screamers. “Stop, you two.” They froze, completely stopped their fight. I’d never seen them just stop like that. Both stared at Brody, awe in their expression. “If you’re going to sit on me, you’re going to be still and quiet, okay?” Both slumped into a pout, but the fight had stopped. “Good.”

Damn, he was good. This just didn’t happen with two year olds.

I sat back on the couch, listening to Riley and Jackie chatter away with their father. No, they weren’t being quiet, but they weren’t screams or fighting, so he allowed it. In fact, he chattered along with them, which I hadn’t expected.

I was watching my family from the outside, a position I’d never expected. I wanted Brody to bond with his children, sure. I shouldn’t have been jealous of that. But, I’d expected to be part of it myself.

Maybe that made me petty. I was actually pretty sure that made me petty. But that was how I felt. I despised that feeling. The jealousy. The feeling of the outsider. I was the outsider now.

~*~*~

Brody

Devyn was quiet for the rest of the day. Actually, I was pretty sure that I’d hurt her feelings. My head had been so filled with warnings and fear from the day that I had just shut her out.

It was easier for me to just sit with the girls. I needed innocence. I needed to know they were safe.  I didn’t want to be a danger to them, but it seemed that being a danger was exactly what I was. I’d brought it right to my own doorstep.

Devyn was still downstairs. She’d let me put the girls to bed tonight, my first time doing it alone. I’d hoped she would do it with me, but she’d said she needed to finish cleaning up. I wanted to make it up to her, because I had behaved horribly when I’d come home.

I blew out a nervous breath and glanced around the bedroom. I hadn’t spent an entire night in this room since I’d come home. Between the nightmares, and the insomnia, sleeping was impossible. But I wanted to do that tonight, spend the entire night with her, to show that I did love her.  My stomach did summersaults, bouncing around like there was a full-blown war in my gut.

If ever I needed a reminder of how much Dev meant to me, two years without her had solidified that. I’d become dependent on her, on her presence in my life, in all the years we’d known each other. She kept me grounded. She’d been there since the beginning for me. She’d told me the day I said I was joining the Navy that she’d wait for me. And she had. Never faltered. Never wavered.

When had it gotten so hot in this house? I stripped off my shirt and tossed it to my side of the room. My side of the room. My side of the bed. Was it still my side when I’d been gone so long? Was there a statute of limitations on how long a side of the bed belonged to a person?

I’d never wondered even once about that. I’d never wondered if Devyn would still be there. I’d never doubted she would be. If Devyn was anything, loyal and true was it. How else could I explain how the woman stayed for me? Out of the five years of our marriage, we’d only ever been in the same place for a little over a year and yet, she was still there.

With this Giroux operation, there was a high probability that I’d be deployed again. Maybe not for two years this time, but there would be raids in the future. A few weeks here and there. Missions to capture or kill Giroux family. Could she love a man she never saw? Would I ever be part of this family?

I ran my fingers along the wooden headboard. How did Devyn sleep now? Did she still curl up on her side, her head slightly tilted toward me? That was doubtful since I hadn’t been there. Maybe she slept on her stomach, like when she was really deeply sleeping. That sleep so deep with her lips slightly parted, and that little bit of drool that she’d be embarrassed about if I told her I knew she drooled in her sleep.

The snap of her flip-flops drew me from my thoughts. I turned toward the door, my heart melting into goo. My wife was gorgeous. Long auburn hair that cascaded over her shoulders, so long it covered half her chest. It had been shoulder length the last time I’d been home. It was thick and curly, with a shine like silk. 

She hugged herself, pulling the blue robe tighter around her body. She hid away her tits from view, but I remembered those. They were burned into my memory, so plump, round, and soft. I wanted so much, to see the body she was hiding from me now, to feel her beneath me as I surged into her depths.

She cleared her throat. “I thought you’d be in bed by now.”

Did she even want me anymore? Or was the other night just because it had been two years of no sex? There was wariness in her expression, caution burning in her eyes as she stepped further into the room and turned down the bed.

I was nowhere close to being the best husband for her. Once upon a time, we’d been tight. Best friends. But with all that time apart, did I even know her anymore? Sure, I recognized certain mannerisms she’d always had and I could deduct how she was feeling from that, but for the first time, I realized just how much she had changed… no, how much she’d grown up. We weren’t kids anymore.

“Brody?”

“Hmm?” I blinked. Had I been staring? How long had I been standing there?

“You all right?”

“Uh, yeah…” I trailed off, and pinched my brow between my thumb and index finger for a few seconds. Where were the words I needed when I needed them? It wasn’t that I didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t know how to say it. “Listen… I know that I’ve not been the easiest guy to live with lately.”

She shrugged. “It’s been a tough transition for you. I know.”

That was one of the things I loved about her. She was forever understanding.

“I just… there’s stuff at work…”

“I know.”

“I want to be part of your life again,” I whispered.

She stopped on the other side of the bed, so she stood directly across from me. Sadness in her eyes nearly made my knees buckle. Was that not possible anymore? Was that why she looked sad? She sighed, slipped off her flip-flops and pushed them just under the bed. So… she did still like that side.

“You did wonderfully with the girls today. I mean, Jackie’s really taken with you, and Riley too.” Her breath hitched. It was only a brief moment, and she continued on like it hadn’t happened, but I caught it. “They want to spend more time with you. That’s good. They should know their father.”

“And what about you?”

“What about me?”

I paused, trying to collect the words for what I needed to say. I’d never needed to ask her this. I’d never felt like it was necessary. But I’d been gone a long time. “It’s been a while. Me being home, I mean. And I thought… well, I thought maybe we could try to get to know each other again.”

“Like what do you mean?” The anxiety I saw in her face matched my own. Her head lowered and she picked at her fingernails. That was one of the mannerisms I remembered.

I hated this. I could raid far away buildings, and fight my way through mortar fire and IEDs, and enemy combat zones and exploding buildings… but I couldn’t tell my wife just how much I missed her, and how much I needed to feel another human being—her—against me.

Heart to heart. Skin to skin.

“Like… whatever.” I mumbled the words. God I was so screwing this up. “I just… I missed…”

“You want to have sex.”

God Almighty. The bluntness of her words had my face flushing.

“Uh…” Words vanished. “I… no… I mean, well, yeah… But no. Maybe.” I groaned, sunk to the edge of the bed, and covered my face in my hands. “Forget I said anything.”

“Well, we…. I mean, we could…” Her voice was soft and tentative. Her presence as she stepped to me was overwhelming. “I mean, we’ve done it before.”

I chuckled. “I know. We have proof in the other bedroom.”

“I meant recently, smart ass. Since you’ve been back.”

She took hold of my hands, her warmth surprisingly infusing my fingers. I raised my head so I could see her as she stood before me. Two years of missing her, of dreaming of her touch… Now that I had it, I didn’t want to let it go. I didn’t want to let her go.

I tugged at her hands, pulling her down toward me. She knelt between my legs, resting her hands on my thighs. I caressed her cheek, reveling in the softness of her skin. Hooking my finger beneath her chin, I met her eyes. I couldn’t decipher what was in them. A storm raged in them, some relief, some sadness, and maybe a little anger. It was too much to pinpoint exactly what she was feeling.

“You’re upset with me.”

“I’m not. Not really.”

“Not really is not a ‘no’ to me.”

“It’s not really you. It’s just me.” She broke eye contact and looked down where my other hand still held hers.

“Talk to me, Dev.”

“You first,” she shot back.

“Why is this weird for us? I mean, we’re married.”

“It’s a little like our first time, right?” Her face flushed.

“You mean, awkward and over really quickly?” My joke seemed to ease her some.

“Except in a bed, instead of the back of your pick up.” She grinned.

“There’s a reason why I don’t want to buy a new truck, Dev.”

She laughed, which lit up her entire face, but it only lasted a second. Something was obviously bothering her, and she didn’t really want to talk about it. Maybe she felt weird talking to someone she hadn’t seen in two years. But I wasn’t just someone. Devyn wasn’t just another person. She was my wife. My best friend.

“I don’t want this to be weird with you,” she whispered, looking back up to my face. “I want it to be like it was the other night, where it was natural.”

“Where you cried in my arms?”

“That wasn’t your fault.”

I rubbed my hands down her arms. “Then maybe we shouldn’t force this. Let it happen on its own time?”

“But what if it doesn’t? What if the other day was an anomaly?”