Knife Edge (28 page)

'Sephy, listen to me. You mustn't let all this get you down. I know it's easier said than done, but you've got to ease up on yourself.'

'Yes, Mother.'

There it was again, that flat, dead tone to her voice. It matched the look in her eyes. I wanted to grab her and shake her or hug her — anything to bring back my original Sephy. Not this sorrowful, hurting girl before me.

'How's Callie?' I asked.

'She's fine. I'm sorry I haven't been to see you this week . . .'

'Sephy, I know you've had other things on your plate. And although I appreciate you coming to see me every week, it doesn't mean that I can't ever come and see you.'

Sephy shrugged. 'I didn't think you'd be comfortable travelling around here.'

I shook my head. Sephy had a strange idea about me. Did she really think I was some delicate flower who only had to step out of my house to wither? Didn't she understand that I would travel to anywhere on the planet to be with her if she needed me?

'Sephy, would you like to come home with me for a while?'

When Sephy began to shake her head, I rushed on. 'I don't mean to live. I know you'd rather stay with Meggie. But just for a while. I can shield you from the reporters and the TV cameras. They won't get past my security.'

'But you can't shield me from how people think and feel about me, Mother,' said Sephy sadly. 'Most people think he did it, and thanks to me, he got away with it. And the ones who truly believe he's innocent despise me for not stepping up and telling the police he was with me on the night Cara Imega died.'

'I don't give a damn about other people,' I told her. 'My only concern is you and Callie Rose.'

Sephy looked at me, the merest trace of a smile playing across her lips. 'Thanks.'

'I mean it, Persephone. My home is open to you, any time, day or night. You don't even have to ask.'

Sephy nodded, her head bent. Then she looked up and asked, 'D'you think Jude did it?'

'I don't know enough about the case to make an informed judgement, one way or another,' I told her carefully. I'd learned from my mistakes on that score at least.

Sephy nodded again, but didn't reply.

'Sephy, love, I'm worried about you. Are you all right?'

Sephy shook her head. 'No, but I will be.'

I looked at her, and I wasn't so sure. Sephy was always so ready to face life and come out fighting, but now she just looked totally worn down and worn out. The spark inside her had been extinguished.

'How's Minerva?'

My glance fell away from Sephy's. I realized at once that I shouldn't've done that. I should've looked her in the eye.

'Does she hate me?'

'She's a bit upset,' I said carefully. 'But she'll get over it.'

'I doubt it,' sighed Sephy. 'Did she tell you why she's mad at me?'

'Not really,' I admitted. 'She said she told you something in confidence and you used it. Against her?'

'I didn't use it against her,' Sephy denied. 'I used it against myself maybe, but not against her. Did I get her into trouble?'

'She's still got her job – just – if that's what you mean,' I said. 'She reckons no one but her knows for sure where you got your information from. But her boss did ask some searching questions. Minnie's afraid she might not get another front page for some time.'

'I wouldn't blame her if she did hate me,' said Sephy.

And what could I say to that? Nothing.

'Can I tell you something?' Sephy said after a long pause.

'I'm listening.'

'I . . . I love you, Mother. You know that, don't you?' Sephy said unexpectedly.

My eyes immediately began to water. I looked away and pinched the bridge of my nose the way I always did when I had the beginnings of a headache, but it did no good. The tears still threatened. I took out a tissue and blew my nose. 'The pollen's driving me mad,' I muttered.

When my eyes cleared of tears, Sephy was smiling at me.

She looked at me like she was drinking me in for the first and last time. I don't know how else to explain it. She had a look on her face like she was saying goodbye.

'Sephy, darling, please let me help you,' I pleaded.

'No, Mother. You can't do anything for me now,' said Sephy softly 'No one can.'

I'm so worried about Sephy. Since that business in the shopping centre, she's hardly said a word. She just sits in her room or in the living room, holding Callie in her arms like she's afraid to let her go. And the look on her face scares me. So sad it breaks my heart. So set, it turns me to stone as I look at her.

The sorrow inside her is locked in with no way out. And each setback, each word just pushes her down further to where it's harder to reach her. I phoned my doctor and he came to see Sephy at my request. Sephy didn't say a word to me about it. She let the doctor examine her and answered his questions, but she didn't shout at me for interfering the way I thought she would. She didn't storm at me for not minding my own business. She didn't rant and rage like I wanted her to, like I hoped she would.

Sephy didn't say a word.

Doctor Mossop told Sephy and me that Sephy was suffering from post-natal depression and he prescribed fresh air, exercise, mother and baby clubs and some mild tranquillizers. Sephy hasn't had any of them. She nodded and said, 'Yes, Doctor,' as appropriate but the moment he left, his prescription went straight in the bin. I fished it out and filled it out at the local chemist, then I put the tranquillizers on Sephy's bed where she couldn't fail to see them. An hour later I found the unopened bottle in the bin. That's when I gave up. I can't force the things down her throat and, to be honest, I'm not convinced they're what she needs anyway. Tranquillizers and sedatives get a lot of people through the day when there's nothing else on the menu, but Sephy has a beautiful daughter and everything to live for. I just wish I knew what to do to make her see that.

Jaxon came round yesterday afternoon with Sonny and Rhino. The moment I opened the door, I knew it wasn't good news.

'Is Sephy in?' Jaxon asked.

As Sephy was coming down the stairs behind me holding Callie, the question was unnecessary.

'Sephy, can we talk to you?' asked Sonny.

Sephy indicated the living room before following after them. I dithered for a few moments, wondering whether I should leave them to it or be nosy and go into the living room as well. After everything that'd happened, I decided on the latter.

As I entered the room, Sephy had moved to stand by the window. She still held Callie in her arms and the afternoon sunlight streaming through my windows made it seem like Sephy and Callie had some kind of golden halo around them. Just at that moment, Sephy looked stunningly beautiful – like one of those Madonna and child pictures painted by a Renaissance artist. Sonny, Jaxon and Rhino stood in my living room, looking at each other. Rhino, who I understood from Sephy scarcely ever said a word, walked over to Sephy and put a hand on her shoulder. She turned round, surprised.

'Sephy, I want you to know this isn't my idea,' he said softly.

Sephy turned round to face Jaxon and Sonny then. I stood forgotten by the door.

'D'you have something you want to say, Jaxon?' Sephy asked.

'Sephy, we can't have you in the band any more – at least not for a little while. No one will hire us whilst you're our singer.'

Sephy didn't say a word.

'It's not a permanent thing,' said Sonny. 'It's just until the fuss dies down.'

Rhino looked at Jaxon and Sonny with disgust before turning to Sephy. 'They're afraid we'll all get lynched if you get up on stage with us. They think you're in no man's land and they're afraid of being dragged there with you.'

'And what d'you think, Rhino?' asked Sephy.

'I think they're full of crap, but I've been outvoted.'

Sephy stroked Rhino's cheek, her fingertips light on his skin. 'Thanks,' she said, smiling as a deep red spread over his face.

I thought Sephy had said Rhino was the one who resented her the most in the band. I'm sure she told me he'd said barely five sentences to her since she joined them. I must've got that wrong.

'Sonny, d'you agree with Jaxon?' Sephy asked, looking directly at him.

To my surprise, Sonny's face instantly flamed red. His gaze skittered away from Sephy's as he searched for the right thing to say.

'It's only for a little while,' he mumbled. 'Maybe you could still rehearse with us. . ?'

'I see,' was all Sephy said.

'There's no reason why we couldn't still see each other,' Sonny appealed. 'All of us. We still . . . I still want you . . . with us.'

'But not enough to stand by me,' said Sephy evenly.

'It's nothing personal,' Jaxon tried.

'It never is.' Sephy shrugged. 'But don't worry, I understand.'

'When the whole thing has blown over then we'd gladly have you back,' Jaxon said, a trace of desperation in his voice.

'Could you all leave now, please?' said Sephy. 'I'm very tired.'

Sephy turned to carry on looking out of the window. I immediately moved forward to show the gutless wonders out of my house.

'If she'd just let us explain,' Jaxon said to me in the hall.

'Me and Sephy understand perfectly,' I told him as they all headed out of the door. 'At least Sephy knows who her friends are.'

'You have to see it from our side,' said Sonny.

'No, I don't. You didn't even have the courtesy to ask Sephy if she did the things she's accused of,' I told them with disgust.

At least Sonny had the grace to look ashamed. Jaxon pursed his lips and got a set to his jaw like a sulky school kid. Here was a boy who needed an attitude adjustment clap and no mistake and my hand itched to give it to him.

I turned to the other man. 'You're Sonny, aren't you?' I asked, before I offloaded onto the wrong person.

The guy before me nodded.

'I thought you and Sephy were the closest in this so-called group of yours,' I said.

'We are. We were—' Sonny began.

'And this is how you show it? When the going gets tough, the weak run for the hills, is that it?'

'You're not being fair. It's just until this all blows over . . .' Sonny's weak protest trailed off into nothing.

'One day someone's going to stab you through the heart the same way you're doing to Sephy,' I told him straight. 'Although in your case it'll be easy, you not having any backbone to get in the way.'

Jaxon glared at me. Rhino scowled at Jaxon and Sonny. Sonny looked me straight in the eye, with not a hint of an excuse on his face. I'll say one thing for him, he took what I dished out.

'You can all get out now. And don't bother coming back.'

They trooped out in silence. I slammed the door on the lot of them. Newspaper reports and magazine articles have all blasted poor Sephy. Her mother's been round and told Sephy to hold her head high no matter what. I think Sephy heard that, at least. But she won't discuss what she thinks or how she feels. And she washes her hands a lot. Before and after meals. Even before picking up Rose.

This morning, I asked, 'Sephy, when are we going to sit down and talk about Jude?'

'Your son isn't going to hang for Cara Imega's murder. What else is there to say?' Sephy asked.

And after that she didn't say a word. She looked down at Callie in her arms, that strange, blank, unblinking look on her face.

I'm worried.

I'm more than worried.

I'm scared.

I feel like such a failure. Sephy is hurting so much and I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to reach her. And I'm afraid. Minerva's always been the strong one, the one who lands on her feet no matter what. But Sephy . . . Sephy lives by her heart, not her head. I let her go to Chivers boarding school because I thought some time away from home would help her to toughen up. She'd have to rely on herself and no one else. I thought she'd learn something about people and life away from the narrow circle of her friends at Heathcroft High. And it did work.

Until that boy showed up again. Until he tricked Sephy into meeting him just so he could kidnap her with his other Liberation Militia friends. I still don't understand how Callum could've done it. He was supposed to love my daughter and yet he could do that to her. He kidnapped her and victimized her and had sex with her. Sephy insisted that Callum didn't force her but that's not the point. She was vulnerable and he knew that and yet he still took advantage.

That's supposed to be love?

Now look at her.

Vilified and ridiculed and unable to set foot outside her house without some idiot or other making her life a misery. And it's all thanks to that boy Callum. I love my granddaughter very much, she's very precious to me – but so is my daughter. And I watch Sephy's eyes permanently shrouded in pain as I speak to her and I see her shoulders drooping and her head bowed and I can't do a single thing to change it. I'd give my life if it'd help Sephy to find some kind of peace but it doesn't work that way. Sephy is heading for some kind of breakdown – Meggie and I are both agreed on that at least. But Sephy won't get help and she's so notorious now, she's afraid to set foot outside Meggie's front door.

I'd like to take Jude McGregor and wring his scrawny neck for what he's done to Sephy and his niece. I know everything he said about Sephy was a lie. What I don't understand is why she won't come right out and say so? Why won't she defend herself? What hold does he have over her?

I've tried phoning Kamal about Sephy but he's too busy to be interested. He has his new wife and family now. We're yesterday's news. I don't care about that so much – I'm getting over him. But I do mind for my daughter's sake. And Sephy was so close to her father. How could he just abandon her like this? Sephy is like a ship without a rudder. She's trying to do everything alone, by herself, and it's too much.

If she doesn't get help soon, I'm afraid of what will happen to her. All I can do is make sure that she knows I'm here for her.

I just wish I'd let her know that sooner.