Knife Edge (29 page)

Death
Sounds like Violence
Sounds like Violates
Sounds like Music
Sombre
Coldness
Emptiness
Promises
Flowers in the Rain
Acceptance of Pain
Silence
Peace

BY
J
ON
G
RESHAM

The career of Cedric Hardacre, MP, was thought to be all but over when it was revealed by his estranged wife that he had been regularly visiting a nought prostitute for almost a year. Mrs Hardacre called a press conference where she revealed her husband's lover to be Edwina Hewitt of Granada Street, Hackton Palace.

'I know a lot of people will think I'm revealing this to be vindictive,' Mrs Hardacre went on to say. 'But that's not the case. Cedric is a Member of Parliament who won his seat on the back of advocating racial intolerance against the noughts. His hypocrisy is astounding. He speaks out against inter-racial marriage and integration in our schools but he's all for inter-racial bedroom antics. Well, it's not on.'

Cedric Hardacre had no comment to make when we caught up with him in his town flat yesterday evening. But Edwina Hewitt told a close friend, 'Both Cedric and I saw this as strictly business. I can't see what all the fuss is about. He's just another punter as far as I'm concerned.'

Rose, you're so lovely. Too lovely for all this violet around you. You deserve better. You deserve more. I've put you in my favourite of all your dresses. It's the cream-coloured satin one with silk ribbons across the bodice and the long, puffed sleeves. Nana Jasmine bought you that dress. My mother always did have good taste. The dress looks so beautiful against your beige skin. You're so beautiful. I look at you, drowning in your blue-brown eyes, and even now I can't believe I made something so precious. Meggie has gone shopping and we're all alone in the house. And I'm grateful for the solitude. I smile as I watch you chew on your fist with toothless gums. You're dribbling all over your hand and all over me. I can't help but smile.

'I love you, Rose. I want you to be happy,' I whisper. 'It's what you deserve.'

And you could be happy, we could both be happy if people would just leave us alone. But that's never going to happen.

I know that now.

This world was never meant for someone as beautiful as my baby. I gather you into my arms and take you downstairs to the living room. You begin to grizzle. I kiss your forehead and your nose and your lips.

'Hush, my darling. Mummy loves you very much. More than life itself,' I whisper in your ear. 'It's my birthday today, Rose. And I want to make it a special day. A day just for you.'

In the background, on the radio, as if on cue,
Rainbow Child
begins to play. I smile at you, you smile at me. I hold you to me, hug you
to me so that your face is against me, as close to my heart as I can get you.
You begin to whimper. I'm holding you too tight. I'm sorry, darling. But I
can't let you go. I don't know how. I start to sing along to the radio, very
softly.

You bring a sweet embrace
And with the smile upon your face
You bring me grace, my rainbow child.
You bring me autumn days,
Turn my face to golden rays,
You bring me bliss, my rainbow child.

And what was life before you?
And do you know how I adore you?
And it scares me how I feel,
All my past scars fade and heal
When I hold my rainbow child.

You bring a quiet time,
Life has meaning, thoughts have rhyme,
You bring me peace, my rainbow child.
You bring down all my fences,
You invade my heart and senses,
You bring me hope, my rainbow child.

And what was life before you?
And do you know how I adore you?
And it scares me how I feel,
All my past scars fade and heal
When I hold my rainbow child.

Take a look,
Stop and stare,
Love is shining,
Everywhere.
There is nothing
Left to fear,
I am with you
Always near
And if this world should make me bleed
I'll remember you're all I need.

You bring the blinding light,
You bring the stars at night,
You bring me love, my rainbow child.
You 're all the colours that I see,
You mean everything to me.
Yes, you will always be, my rainbow child.

And what was life before you?
And do you know how I adore you?
And it scares me how I feel,
All my past scars fade and heal
When I hold my rainbow child.

By the time I stop singing, you've stopped whimpering. You're so quiet, Rose. So very quiet. Meggie steps into the room, a carrier bag full of shopping in each hand. I can hardly see her through the tears in my eyes. I try to get up but my legs won't work. I look down at you. You're so very quiet. So peaceful. The very thing I want for you.

Peace.

'Meggie,' I whisper. 'What should I do? Rose isn't breathing . . .'

I run over to Callie and snatch her out of Sephy's unresisting hands. Callie's warm but as limp as a rag doll.

Oh my God . . . I can't speak. Words have fled, threatening to take my reason with them. Shock is numbing every part of me. But only for a moment – a moment that lasts as long as a life time. Now terror is threatening to overwhelm me. Callie . . . I force myself to think. Think. Think. I've got to get Callie breathing again.

Please, God,
I know you can hear me.
I hope you can hear me.
If you're even up there . . .

I place my mouth over Callie's nose and open mouth and exhale – forcing myself to be gentle and not do it too hard. She has only baby lungs. I could do more harm than good. I don't know what to do. Panic rises up like vomit. I force it back down. But it won't stay down. I'm shaking. Quaking. I move my face to suck air into my mouth, then I cover Callie's mouth and nose again. Exhale. Slowly, gently.

I place two fingers down on her chest and press with a slow, steady rhythm. Press for three. Breathe for three. Press for three. Breathe for three. Is this right? Am I doing this right? I don't even know. Should I press for four? Breathe for five? I don't know. I should know. After three kids of my own, I should know. But I don't.

Call an ambulance . . .

No time.

Callie's run out of time. We all have.

Please, God . . .

Come on, Callie darling, you can do it. Breathe, darling. Please breathe.

'Is she going to be all right?' Sephy whispers.

I turn to her, screaming, 'Sephy, what've you
done
? WHAT'VE YOU DONE?'

Sephy looks at me and her face crumples. But I don't care about that. I don't care about her. I turn away from her face, awash with tears. If I look at her, I'll kill her. Right this minute. Right this moment.

'Is she going to be all right?' Sephy cries out. 'Is my baby going to be all right?'

I carry on exhaling, trying to force air, trying to force life back into Callie.

Callie Rose, breathe for me, darling.

Beside me, Sephy makes a strange sound – a harsh, gurgling gasp. And there's such a odd note to it, almost like a crack. I glance at her. She looks down at her daughter with the saddest expression I've ever seen. Was the noise she made the sound of her heart breaking? I hope so.

'Go and phone for an ambulance,' I tell Sephy.

But she doesn't hear me. She looks at Callie without a word, without even blinking. But the silent tears spill over onto her cheeks and keep coming.

Come on, Callie. Take a breath. Don't give in.

Callum, if you're watching over us, if you ever loved Sephy, if you love your daughter, bring her back to us.

Bring her back.

Please bring her back.

'Sephy, what've you done?'

Callie Rose, breathe for me, darling.

Breathe.

BREATHE.

Breathe . . .

If you can't wait to find out what happens
next, turn over for a sneak preview of the first
chapter of
Checkmate,
the riveting conclusion to
the
Noughts & Crosses
trilogy.

Checkmate
Copyright © 2005 Oneta Malorie Blackman

These are the things I know for sure:

My name is Callie Rose. No surname.

I am sixteen years old today. Happy birthday to me.

My mum is Persephone Hadley, daughter of Kamal Hadley.

Kamal Hadley is the leader of the Opposition – and a complete bastard.

My mum is a Cross – one of the so-called ruling elite.

My dad was Callum Ryan McGregor.

My dad was a Nought.

My dad was a murderer.

My dad was a rapist.

My dad was a terrorist.

My dad burns in hell.

Every time my mum looks at me, she wishes with all her heart that my dad had lived – and I hadn't.

These facts are the only things that are mine and real. Everything else in my life zigzags around the truth. So I don't mind so much that I'm leaving it all behind. There's nothing here worth holding onto.

Nana Meggie once told me that when you die, you go to heaven and it feels just like home.

But I don't know what home feels like.

I'm not talking about the dictionary definition either, I mean the definition that comes from the heart. Not some abstract notion of what home is meant to be, but what it's meant to
feel
like. That kind of home I've never had. So no thoughts of heaven for me. I guess I'm on my way to the other place. Like father, like daughter – at least, in that respect.

Now I think about it, I've been on that journey for quite a
while. And in a few hours, I'll reach my destination. But in the meantime,
I have a few minutes to sit and be still and force all trace of any regrets
away . . .

I did so love it here at Nana Jasmine's private beach. If the rest of the world was like this place, I'd have no need for the contents of the carrier bag on the sand beside me. A single deep breath filled my lungs with pure sea air. If only I could live for ever within that one breath. The coastline and the sea stretched on beyond imagination. But magical as they were, it was the beach that held me. And it wasn't one of those characterless picture postcard beaches either. It was scattered with driftwood and kelp, coarse sand and rocks big enough to clamber up and over. The sea skittered away from the beach, ever changing, always moving, never still. I could see why this place used to be one of Mum's favourite haunts.

It really was beautiful.

The sea was darker towards the horizon and the sky was at the tail end of what must've been a riotously coloured sunrise. I wanted this moment to last and last. The very air around me was charged with sadness and a strange excitement.

'Callie, you've forgotten all about me, haven't you?'

I turned to my companion. 'Of course not. I—'

'You haven't said more than two words to me all morning,' he interrupted. 'Why invite me here if you're just going to ignore me?'

I regarded him, incredibly sad that he didn't understand – but then how could he? Why did I ask him to meet me on this beach? To share the sea and the sky and the way I was feeling. To be with someone who wanted to be with me. To have a witness to my last morning. But he didn't understand.

'I'm just not in a chatty mood, that's all,' I tried to explain.

'So what kind of mood are you in?' he asked.

I shrugged, but he misunderstood what that meant. His face got closer to mine, his lips brushing against mine. Not for the first time. But for the last. I couldn't cope with it. It was too graphic a reminder of all the things I'd never have. I pulled away.

'Don't. I'm not in a kissing mood either,' I told him.

A moment's silence, then he said, 'Fair enough.'

We both turned back to look out over the sea. But the moment was ruined. I stared out again towards the horizon. But now the sea was just dark water and the sky was nothing but the careless swipes of a few colours. So what? None of it mattered. What was the point of any of it?

'Callie, what's wrong?'

I stood up, dusting the sand off my trousers. He stood up too, never once taking his eyes off me.

'Nothing's wrong. I have to go now,' I replied, bending to pick up my carrier bag.

But he grabbed my hand before I could reach it.

'Talk to me. What's wrong?' he asked again.

'Please don't do this,' I said, surprised at how close to tears I felt. I swallowed hard. It did no good. Maybe venom would dislodge what
tendresse
couldn't. 'Why don't you just go? I didn't even want you here but you insisted on being with me, like some kind of pathetic puppy.'

Harsh words to drive him away. If he walked off now without a backwards glance, then so could I. But he stood his ground, not even angry with me. I wanted him to be angry with me. I needed that.

But to my surprise, he kissed me again. And he'd never kissed me like that before – hard enough to make my heart jump around like an Olympic gymnast, but soft enough to make me want to close my eyes and breathe him in and hold onto him for dear life. At first I was too stunned to pull away, but that didn't last long. I pushed at his chest, catching him off guard so he had to step, almost stumble back to keep his balance. And that's when I seized my chance, terrified I might not get another. I grabbed my carrier bag, turned tail and ran. Ran just as hard and as fast and as far away from him as I could. I took the stone steps of the cliff two and three at a time.

'Callie, wait. . .' he shouted after me. 'I'll see you tomorrow, Callie. Wait

I forced myself not to listen. I breathed heavier than necessary to drown out the words behind me.

Keep running, Callie. Never stop running.

See you tomorrow? All my tomorrows had become today – and today was all I had left.

Less than ten minutes later, I entered Nana Jasmine's house. Nana Jasmine rattled around alone in a huge mausoleum of a house. Her only regular companions were her Nought personal assistant, Sarah Pike, and Mrs Soames, the Nought housekeeper and cook. Nana had given Mum and me our own keys so we could come and go whenever we wanted. Mum never turned up unannounced but I often popped in, mostly after school. Nana Jasmine's house and Nana Meggie's house – where Mum and I lived – were equidistant from my school, Heathcroft High. In opposite directions, but equidistant. Nana Jasmine refused to sell her 'cottage', as she called it. It was part of her divorce settlement and she was determined to hang onto it, even though it was much too big and impossible to keep comfortably warm in winter. But Nana Jasmine said she was the house and the house was her and that's why she couldn't part with it – whatever that meant! If I were her, I would've sold it in a hurry and used to the money to make friends and have fun.

Nana Jasmine's lonely.

After her divorce from Grandad Kamal, she never even dated again – which was a shame 'cause even though she's ill, she's still really pretty and doesn't look anything like her real age. I asked her once why she hadn't remarried.

'A marriage like mine leaves scars,' Nana Jasmine replied. 'My scars are still. . . painful.'

Over the years I guess the scars had never healed. I know now that some scars never do.

'Nana?' I called out.

Usually Mrs Soames or Sarah appeared before I'd made it halfway across the hall. But not today.

'Callie, love? I'm in the kitchen,' Nana Jasmine replied, projecting rather than raising her voice. Nana Jasmine didn't believe in shouting unless there was a fire. I made my way into the kitchen – still the largest I'd ever seen.

'Hello, Nana,' I smiled as I headed towards her. I caught the way her gaze fell on the carrier bag in my hand. I clutched it tighter – noticeably tighter. Smiling, Nana Jasmine came towards me, the obligatory glass of orange juice on one hand. She kissed my forehead, the way she always did and pressed the juice into my free hand. I waited for her to head back to the fridge before putting down my carrier bag.

'Thanks for coming to see me,' said Nana. 'Oh, and happy birthday! I'll give you your present before you leave.'

'You don't need to give me anything,' I told her.

It wasn't as if it was going to get much use.

'I know I don't, but I want to,' Nana said firmly.

I shrugged, unwilling to argue. 'You're looking much better today, Nana.'

It wasn't just a plastic line. Nana Jasmine's eyes were sparking and sparkling. It was a vast improvement on the last time I'd seen her.

'Thank you. I am feeling better.' Nana smiled, ever polite.

'I really can't stay long,' I told her, sipping at my OJ. 'I have an appointment and I can't be late.'

'A few minutes with me won't make you late,' said Nana Jasmine.

I watched as she poured herself a glass of sparkling mineral water. Nana Jasmine never drank anything stronger than fruit juice and most of the time it was just bottled water. She was so practically perfect in every way, I reckon she was born with a halo and angels singing the Hallelujah Chorus around her head.

'OK, what's so urgent?' I asked.

'Drink your orange juice and then I'll tell you,' said Nana. 'You need your vitamin C

Anything for a quiet life. I knocked back the OJ. Nana Jasmine took the glass away from me and rinsed it out before putting it in the dishwasher. Well, at least she'd let me finish it!

'So what's this appointment you have that you can't miss?' asked Nana.

I didn't reply. I didn't want to he.

'Is it something to do with Jude McGregor?' Nana Jasmine stunned me by asking.

The answer must have inadvertently shown itself on my face because Nana said grimly, 'I see.'

'Is that why you asked me over here? To give me a lecture about Uncle Jude?' I asked belligerently. 'Because if it is . . .'

One word, just one syllable of disapproval said against my uncle and I'd be out of the house so fast Nana Jasmine would wonder if she'd imagined my visit. I glared at Nana, almost daring her to say something, but she surprised me again by smiling. Just smiling.

'Callie, I wanted to see you on your birthday. What's wrong with that?' said Nana. 'Have a seat, Callie, love. I want to ask you something.'

Suspicious, I sat down at the breakfast bar before carefully placing my bag at my feet. Its contents were too precious to be let out of my sight – even for a second. Nana sat down next to me.

'I have a couple of questions,' she said.

'Go on then,' I said sourly, which only made Nana Jasmine smile more.

'Don't sulk, darling. It's a most unattractive habit,' Nana said, her eyes twinkling. But then she glanced down at my carrier bag between our two chairs and the amusement in her eyes faded. 'Callie, d'you promise to answer all my questions truthfully?'

I considered. 'I'll tell you the truth or I won't say anything at all – how's that?'

'Fair enough. Are you a member of the Liberation Militia?'

Wow! Nana Jasmine wasn't mucking around. Straight for the jugular. I didn't answer. But then I thought, Why not? What possible difference could it make now? My life was my own – no one else's.

'Yes, I am,' I said, lifting my chin.

'I thought so.' Nana Jasmine nodded thoughtfully. 'How long have you been a member?'

'The last two years.'

'I see. When did your uncle first get in touch with you?'

'Four or five years ago. I can't remember exactly.'

Nana's look of shocked surprise was quickly masked. 'Did you . . . did you have anything to do with those terrible things that happened last weekend?'

No way was I going to answer that one.

'I see.'

Did she see? What did she see? Too much or too little?

'This appointment you're in a rush to get to – has it got anything to do with the
L.M.?'

No answer.

'Very well. Don't worry, Callie, I won't pry any more.' Nana Jasmine stood up. 'Before you go, could you help me with something?'

'What?'

'I need a few bottles of wine up from the cellar. That'll give me a chance to decant my red wine properly and make sure the white is properly chilled,' said Nana Jasmine.

'Is that all what you called me over for then?' I said.

'Yes, dear. And that was dreadful grammar, by the way,' said Nana evenly. 'You're . . . you're very close to your uncle, aren't you?'

Although Nana Jasmine's tone was even and non-confrontational, she still managed to sound like she was accusing me of something. I really had no idea how she did it. Her expression was carefully neutral, there was very little inflection in her voice and yet she managed to convey her disapproval of Uncle Jude in a way that left very little room for doubt. Well, I wasn't here to talk about Uncle Jude.

'I'll help bring up the bottles from the cellar but then I really must go,' I said.

'You're not going to help me prepare the rest of my lunch?'

'I haven't got time, Nana.'

'Fair enough. After you've brought up my wine, I'll phone for a taxi to take you to wherever it is you want to go.'

I nodded. And then it hit me. This would be the last time I saw Nana. The last time I spoke to her. The last time . . .

NO! Don't think like that. Don't even think. I was going to do something worthwhile. My whole life had been leading up to this day and I wasn't going to shrink away like a coward now. Like Uncle Jude said, I was going to make a difference.