Lady of Light (41 page)

Jake Whitmore and Noah Starr rode in just as Evan finished checking Culdee Gold’s cinch one last time before mounting up. “Well, what’s happened now?” he growled, knowing by the looks on their faces that this wasn’t a social call.

Noah glanced at Jake, then Evan. “I need to talk with Claire.”

Evan rubbed his beard-stubbled jaw, savagely tamping down a freshened swell of jealousy. “Well, she isn’t here. She and Ian rode out some time last night, headed back to Scotland.”

The priest drew in a sharp, shallow breath. “I was afraid of that. Claire came to see me yesterday. She was very upset, despairing over what to do, and something just didn’t seem right to me. I couldn’t sleep much last night, worrying over it. So, first thing this morning, I headed out here to talk with her.” His mouth quirked ruefully. “Seems, though, I got here too late.”

Evan’s gaze swung to the sheriff’s. “And why are you here? Noah sure didn’t need an escort.”

Jake Whitmore shrugged and smiled. “Thought I’d ride along and bring you the good news. One of Sadie’s girls finally broke down and confessed she was the one who shot Gerard. Seems she had a grudge against him that just wouldn’t go away.”

Evan knew he should feel some sense of relief that the cloud of suspicion hanging over him and Ian had finally lifted. But, somehow, in light of the imminent possibility of losing Claire, even a murder charge didn’t seem all that important anymore. “Glad to hear that’s all cleared up,” he muttered. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to hit the trail after my wife. No telling how much head start she’s got on me.”

“Evan, wait,” Noah called out as he turned to his horse. The priest swung down from his own mount, tied it to the hitching post, and hurried over. “Before you leave, I think we should talk.”

“And what would we have to talk about?”

“About Claire. There are some things you need to understand, if you’re ever to have any hope of convincing her to come back home.”

Their trail was a lot easier to follow than he had first expected. But then, Evan thought, it wasn’t as if Claire and Ian had had any experience tracking or being tracked. He should be grateful for that, he supposed.

From what he could tell from their trail, they had about a three- maybe four-hour lead on him. He’d have to do some mighty hard riding to close the distance before nightfall. Odds were, though, he wouldn’t be able to catch up with them until tomorrow.

Their tracks headed north. Evan figured Claire meant to reach Denver, then take a train east from there. Lucky for him it was more than a day’s horseback ride, or he might just miss them if they were able to catch a train leaving soon after they arrived. And, once they were on that train, he might never find them.

He urged Culdee Gold back into an easy, ground-eating lope. The big buckskin gelding was one of the ranch’s fastest long-endurance horses. If any animal could catch up with Claire’s and Ian’s mounts, Culdee Gold could.

The hours passed with wearying regularity. Noon came and went. Save for a few stops to cool and water his horse, and the necessary times he had to allow for a fast walk to rest the buckskin, Evan kept up a blistering pace. He had no appetite anyway. His whole life had just walked out on him. The gnawing, everpresent fear he might lose Claire forever was enough to twist his gut in knots and make him sick to his stomach.

He had plenty of time to think long and hard on what Noah had told him. He had always known of Claire’s deep commitment to her brother, and—now—what they had gone through all those years before he had come into the picture. But looking back, Evan realized he hadn’t fully comprehended the guilt Claire carried, not only for her impulsive act that made both children homeless, but for Ian’s emotional damage, for which she felt responsible.

It was that deep-seated sense of honor and loyalty, when Claire came to believe her and her brother’s continued presence at Culdee Creek was beginning to irreparably harm the MacKays, that had been the catalyst for her decision to leave. She had finally felt boxed into a corner, caught between Evan and her brother.

Shame filled him. All he had been able to see was her lack of loyalty to him when she persisted in defending her brother, and when she withheld information. He had refused to allow that she saw both sides far more clearly then they had, and was battling ferociously to help the both of them open their eyes.

Not that the answers would’ve been simple or the problems easy to resolve. Ian wasn’t going to settle down anytime soon. But then, Evan admitted with a twinge of guilt, neither had he. He imagined, if his father were here to talk to right about now, there would be an earful about all the frustration, anger, and heartache he had caused him.

He supposed no man could really, truly understand what it took to be a parent and husband until he was one. But even the finally knowing wasn’t enough. It still took a day-in, day-out courage and determination that could tax any man’s soul. Any woman’s, too.

It scared him spitless, this knowledge. Responsibility, sticking it out when things got tough, and admitting to one’s human limitations, always did. As much as Evan wanted to be the kind of man Claire could count on from here on out, he still secretly wondered if he had what it took.

That fear, though, didn’t matter nearly as much anymore. Neither did his misdirected pride. They weren’t half as important as the courage and determination needed to see things through. They didn’t hold a candle to the strength and support the Lord could give a humble, caring, compassionate man. With the Lord’s help, they weren’t just gifts bestowed on some and withheld from others. They were brought to fruition by faith and dint of sheer hard work, each and every day of one’s life.

One thing
was
certain. He wasn’t alone in this, and never had been. He had a fine family and good friends to turn to, to help him learn. He had a magnificent woman who’d stick by him, if only he met her halfway. And then, there was always the Lord.

“When you made your wedding vows before God,” Noah had offered in that kind, gentle, yet insightful way of his, “you didn’t just make your promises to Claire. You made them to God, too. And, as Claire repeated those vows to you, promising the same, the Lord uttered them back to the both of you. After all,” the priest had then said with a wry grin, “there’s three in this marriage, not just two. Marriage is a living example of Christ’s love-union with His Church, and one of the greatest ways of encountering Him and receiving His grace.”

Though Evan had, on a simple level at least, understood the solemn importance of the marital union, he realized now he hadn’t truly understood it as a sacred and holy call from God, a call as divine as that to the priesthood or unmarried life. For him and for Claire, marriage was the way in which they would fulfill God’s will for them—and model the meaning of His love for His people.

“Lord, I know I’m a bit late in turning to You for help in this marriage,” he said, raising his gaze to heaven as he rode along, “but I’m here now. Teach me what I need to know. Help me, when and if I find Claire, to say what she needs to hear, and say it right. And help me to be the man—the father—that Ian needs. I can’t do this without You, so help me, please.”

In the utterance of that prayer, a heavy weight lifted from Evan’s shoulders. With a gladdened heart, he urged Culdee Gold back into another lope. Somehow, he knew the Lord would be with him when he needed Him the most. Just as, from now on, he intended to keep the Lord ever at his side.

“Are you going to sniffle and sob all the way to Denver, then?” Ian demanded finally, after several hours on the trail. “It’s done, you know. We’ve put Culdee Creek behind us, and there’s no going back.”

“A-aye, I kn-know.” Claire hiccuped, then reached into her jacket pocket to extract a handkerchief and blow her nose. “I just can’t shake the feeling that we’re making the biggest mistake of our lives.”

“And how could it be a mistake? I was sure to end up in some reformatory, or worse, if Evan and that sheriff had their way. I left naught behind, save Elizabeth.” He sighed. “If only she would’ve come with us, everything would’ve been perfect. But I couldn’t trust her not to tell her brother of our plans.”

“So, it would’ve then all been perfect for you,” Claire muttered, inexplicably irritated, “but what about me? Have you ever once given any thought to
my
needs?”

“Well, I feel badly that you had to leave your husband. Not that,” her brother added with a derisive snort, “he was much of a husband to you. Seems to me he took greater pleasure in tormenting me than in trying to please you.”

“By mountain and sea!” The tension that had been building for the past few weeks exploded with a sudden, surprising force. With a tug on the reins, Claire halted her horse. “Don’t ever again speak so against Evan, Ian Sutherland! He tried verra, verra hard to work things out with you. And, while we’re on the subject, let me tell you that
I’m
getting sick and tired of all
your
moaning and whining, too. It’s past time you stand up and be the man you seem to think you are. Until you destroyed his confidence in you, with your repeated refusal to have a care with Beth, Evan treated you well. But did you ever make much of an effort to meet him even halfway? Did you?”

His mouth agape, her brother stared at her in amazement. Gazing back at him, something clicked, finally fell into place, within Claire. Until this instant, she had never truly understood how much she had always catered to Ian, tried ceaselessly to smooth every rough bump in the road for him. Evan had spoken true, she realized with a pang of guilt. In the doing, she
had
all but crippled him.

She hadn’t ever really trusted Ian, she realized, to make his own mistakes and learn what he needed from them. She hadn’t even, if the truth were told, fully trusted Evan or his love for her.

It had always seemed the safer course to take matters into her own hands. After all, if she kept everything under control, nothing could ever hurt her again. It had been fear, pure and simple, that had gotten her to this sorry point. That fear, however, might now be the ruin of them all.

That fear of finally losing control was also why she was running now. Running away had always been a control of last resort.

This time, though, Claire saw the ultimate futility of her endless quest for control. Not only was she running from the man she loved, but the father of their unborn child, and that was wrong. What she had always really been seeking was the gift of trust—of others, herself, and, most of all, in God.

“What you lack the Lord will supply, if only you turn to Him, and place all your trust in Him,” she recalled the words Noah Starr had spoken to her but yesterday. And those very words, that yesterday seemed not to hold any answers, suddenly assumed a clarity and meaning that took Claire’s breath away.

Too many times before, Claire knew she had chosen to rely on her own counsel rather than on the Lord’s. Too many times before, she could now look back and admit she had erred when she had done so. This time, however, she vowed, the stakes were far too high to rely solely on herself. This time, the prize was not only the rest of her life, but mayhap that of Ian and even Evan’s, too.

Lord, Claire silently prayed, help me. I want to be Your light to others, but I don’t know how. Please, lead me through the darkness. Lead me into the light.

“Well, Ian,”—Claire then turned back to her brother—“won’t you answer me? Tell me true. Did
you
ever try and meet Evan halfway?”

“What does it matter now? We’ve left him far behind, never to return.”

“It matters because we
must
work this out, or I fear it’ll be the cause of a great, lasting pain for us all.”

“You love him more than me.” He ducked his head, refusing to meet her gaze. “I hate him for that most of all.”

“Och, nay, brother.” Claire nudged her horse closer to him. She leaned over and took his chin, lifting his tear-bright gaze to hers. In his eyes she saw fear, uncertainty, and pain. Yet, though it seemed a hard thing to do, this time Claire put all her trust in the Lord, and did what she knew she must.