Lathe of Heaven, The (20 page)

"I'll come," Orr said, and left.

10

Il descend, reveille, l'autre cote du reve.

--Hugo, Contemplations

It was only three o'clock, and he should have gone back to his office in the Parks Department and finished up the plans for southeast suburban play areas; but he didn't.

He gave it one thought and dismissed it. Although his memory assured him that he had held that position for five years now, he disbelieved his memory; the job had no reality to him. It was not work he had to do. It was not his job.

He was aware that in thus relegating to irreality a major portion of the only reality, the only existence, that he in fact did have, he was running exactly the same risk the insane mind runs: the loss of the sense of free will. He knew that in so far as one denies what is, one is possessed by what is not, the compulsions, the fantasies, the terrors that flock to fill the void. But the void was there. This life lacked realness; it was hollow; the dream, creating where there was no necessity to create, had worn thin and sleazy. If this was being, perhaps the void was better. He would accept the monsters and the necessities beyond reason. He would go home, and take no drugs, but sleep, and dream what dreams might come.

He got off the funicular downtown, but instead of taking the trolley he set out walking toward his own district; he had always liked to walk.

Along past Lovejoy Park a piece of the old freeway was still standing, a huge ramp, probably dating from the last frenetic convulsions of highway-mania in the seventies; it must have led up to the Marquam Bridge, once, but now ended abruptly in mid-air thirty feet above Front Avenue. It had not been destroyed when the city was cleaned up and rebuilt after the Plague Years, perhaps because it was so large, so useless, and so ugly as to be, to the American eye, invisible. There it stood, and a few bushes had taken root up on the roadway, while underneath it a huddle of buildings had grown up, like swallows'

nests in a cliff. In this rather dowdy and noncommittal bit of the city there were still small shops, independent markets, unappetizing little restaurants, and so on, struggling along despite the stringencies of total Consumer Product Equity-Rationing and the overwhelming competition of the great WPC Marts and Outlets, through which 90 per cent of world trade was now channeled.

One of these shops under the ramp was a secondhand store; the sign above the windows said ANTIQUES and a poorly lettered, peeling sign painted on the glass said JUNQUE.

There was some squat handmade pottery in one window, an old rocker with a motheaten paisley shawl draped over it in the other, and, scattered around these main displays, all kinds of cultural litter: a horseshoe, a hand-wound clock, something enigmatic from a dairy, a framed photograph of President Eisenhower, a slightly chipped glass globe containing three Ecuadorian coins, a plastic toilet-seat cover decorated with baby crabs and seaweed, a well-thumbed rosary, and a stack of old hi-fi 45 rpm records, marked

"Gd Cond," but obviously scratched. Just the sort of place, Orr thought, where Heather's mother might have worked for a while. Moved by the impulse, he went in.

It was cool and rather dark inside. A leg of the ramp formed one wall, a high blank dark expanse of concrete, like the wall of an undersea cave. From the receding prospect of shadows, bulky furniture, decrepit acres of Action Paintings and fake-antique spinning wheels now becoming genuinely antique though still useless, from these tenebrous reaches of no-man's-things, a huge form emerged, seeming to float forward slowly, silent and reptilian: The proprietor was an Alien.

It raised its crooked left elbow and said, "Good day. Do you wish an object?"

"Thanks, I was just looking."

"Please continue this activity," the proprietor said. It withdrew a little way into the shadows and stood quite motionless. Orr looked at the light play on some ratty old peacock feathers, observed a 1950 home-movie projector, a blue and white saki set, a heap of Mad magazines, priced quite high. He hefted a solid steel hammer and admired its balance; it was a well-made tool, a good thing. "Is this your own choice?" he asked the proprietor, wondering what the Aliens themselves might prize from all this flotsam of the affluent years of America.

"What comes is acceptable," the Alien replied.

A congenial point of view. "I wonder if you'd tell me something. In your language, what is the meaning of the word iahklu'?"

The proprietor came slowly forward again, edging the broad, shell-like armor carefully among fragile objects.

"Incommunicable. Language used for communication with individual-persons will not contain other forms of relationship. Jor Jor." The right hand, a great, greenish, flipperlike extremity, came forward in a slow and perhaps tentative fashion. "Tiua'k Ennbe Ennbe."

Orr shook hands with it. It stood immobile, apparently regarding him, though no eyes were visible inside the dark-tinted, vapor-filled headpiece. If it was a headpiece. Was there in fact any substantial form within that green carapace, that mighty armor? He didn't know. He felt, however, completely at ease with Tiua'k Ennbe Ennbe.

"I don't suppose," he said, on impulse again, "that you ever knew anyone named Lelache?"

"Lelache. No. Do you seek Lelache."

"I have lost Lelache."

"Crossings in mist," the Alien observed.

"That's about it," Orr said. He picked up from the crowded table before him a white bust of Franz Schubert about two inches high, probably a piano-teacher's prize to a pupil. On the base the pupil had written, "What, Me Worry?" Schubert's face was mild and impassive, a tiny bespectacled Buddha. "How much is this?" Orr asked.

"Five New Cents," replied Tiua'k Ennbe Ennbe.

Orr produced a Fed-peep nickel.

"'Is there any way to control iahklu', to make it go the way it... ought to go?"

The Alien took the nickel and sidled majestically over to a chrome-plated cash register which Orr had assumed was for sale as an antique. It rang up the sale on the register and stood still a while.

"One swallow does not make a summer," it said. "Many hands make light work." It stopped again, apparently not satisfied with this effort at bridging the communication gap. It stood still for half a minute, then went to the front window and with precise, stiff, careful movements picked out one of the antique disk-records displayed there, and brought it to Orr. It was a Beatles record: "With a Little Help from My Friends."

"Gift," it said. "Is it acceptable?"

"Yes," Orr said, and took the record. "Thank you-- thanks very much. It's very kind of you. I am grateful."

"Pleasure," said the Alien. Though the mechanically produced voice was toneless and the armor impassive, Orr was sure that Tiua'k Ennbe Ennbe was in fact pleased; he himself was moved.

"I can play this on my landlord's machine, he has an old disk-phonograph," he said.

"Thank you very much." They shook hands again, and he left.

After all, he thought as he walked on toward Corbett Avenue, it's not surprising that the Aliens are on my side. In a sense, I invented them. I have no idea in what sense, of course. But they definitely weren't around until I dreamed they were, until I let them be.

So that there is--there always was--a connection between us.

Of course (his thoughts proceeded, also at a walking pace), it that's true, then the whole world as it now is should be on my side; because I dreamed a lot of it up, too. Well, after all, it is on my side. That is, I'm a part of it. Not separate from it. I walk on the ground and the ground's walked on by me, I breathe the air and change it, I am entirely interconnected with the world.

Only Haber's different, and more different with each dream. He's against me: my connection with him is negative. And that aspect of the world which he's responsible for, which he ordered me to dream, that's what I feel alienated from, powerless against. . . .

It's not that he's evil. He's right, one ought to try to help other people. But that analogy with snakebite serum was false. He was talking about one person meeting another person in pain. That's different. Perhaps what I did, what I did in April four years ago...

was justified. ... (But his thoughts shied away, as always, from the burned place.) You have to help another person. But it's not right to play God with masses of people. To be God you have to know what you're doing. And to do any good at all, just believing you're right and your motives are good isn't enough. You have to... be in touch. He isn't in touch. No one else, no thing even, has an existence of its own for him; he sees the world only as a means to his end. It doesn't make any difference if his end is good; means are all we've got.... He can't accept, he can't let be, he can't let go. He is insane....

He could take us all with him, out of touch, if he did manage to dream as I do. What am I to do?

He reached the old house on Corbett as he reached that question.

He stopped off in the basement to borrow the old-fashioned phonograph from Mannie Ahrens, the manager. This involved sharing a pot of tea. Mannie always brewed it for Orr, since Orr had never smoked and couldn't inhale without coughing. They discussed world affairs a little. Mannie hated the Sports Shows; he stayed home and watched the WPC educational shows for pre-Child Center children every afternoon. "The alligator puppet, Dooby Doo, he's a real cool cat," he said. There were long gaps in the conversation, reflections of the large holes in the fabric of Mannie's mind, worn thin by the application of innumerable chemicals over the years. But there was peace and privacy in his grubby basement, and weak cannabis tea had a mildly relaxing effect on Orr. At last he lugged the phonograph upstairs, and plugged it into a wall-socket in his bare living room. He put the record on, and then held the needle-arm suspended over the turning disk. What did he want?

He didn't know. Help, he supposed. Well, what came would be acceptable, as Tiua'k Ennbe Ennbe had said.

He set the needle carefully on the outer groove, and lay down beside the phonograph on the dusty floor.

Do you need anybody? I need somebody to love.

The machine was automatic; when it had played the record it grumbled softly a moment, clicked its innards, and returned the needle to the first groove.

I get by, with a little help,

With a little help from my friends.

During the eleventh replay Orr fell sound asleep.

Awakening in the high, bare, twilit room, Heather was disconcerted. Where on earth?

She had been asleep. Gone to sleep sitting on the floor with her legs stretched out and her back against the piano. Marijuana always made her sleepy, and stupid, too, but you couldn't hurt Mannie's feelings and refuse it, the poor old pothead. George lay flat as a skinned cat on the floor, right by the phonograph, which was slowly eating its way through "With a Little Help" right down to the turntable. She cut the volume down slowly, then stopped the machine. George never stirred; his lips were slightly parted, his eyes firmly closed. How funny that they had both gone to sleep listening to the music.

She got up off her knees and went out to the kitchen to see what was for dinner.

Oh for Christsake, pig liver. It was nourishing and the best value you could get for three meat-ration stamps by weight. She had picked it up at the Mart yesterday. Well, cut real thin, and fried with salt pork and onions...yecchh. Oh well, she was hungry enough to eat pig liver, and George wasn't a picky man. If it was decent food he ate and enjoyed it and if it was lousy pig liver he ate it. Praise God from whom all blessings flow, including good-natured men.

As she set the kitchen table and put two potatoes and half a cabbage on to cook, she paused from time to time: she did feel odd. Disoriented. From the damn pot, and going to sleep on the floor at all hours, no doubt.

George came in, disheveled and dusty-shirted. He stared at her. She said, "Well. Good morning!"

He stood looking at her and smiling, a broad radiant smile of pure joy. She had never received so great a compliment in her life; she was abashed by that joy, which she had caused. "My dear wife," he said, taking her hands. He looked at them, palms and backs, and put them up against his face. "You should be brown," he said, and to her dismay she saw tears in his eyes. For a moment, just that moment, she had a notion of what was going on; she recalled being brown, and remembered the silence in the cabin at night, and the sound of the creek, and many other things, all in a flash. But George was a more urgent consideration. She was holding him, as he held her. "You're worn out," she said,

"you're upset, you fell asleep on the floor. It's that bastard Haber. Don't go back to him.

Just don't. I don't care what he does, we'll take it to court, we'll appeal it, even if he slaps a Constraint injunction on you and sticks you in Linnton we'll get you a different shrink and get you out again. You can't go on with him, he's destroying you."

"Nobody can destroy me," he said, and laughed a little, deep in his chest, almost a sob,

"not so long as I have a little help from my friends. I'll go back, it's not going to last much longer. It's not me I'm worried about, any more. But don't worry...." They hung on to each other, in touch at all available surfaces, absolutely unified, while the liver and onions sizzled in the pan. "I fell asleep too," she said into his neck, "I got so groggy typing up old Rutti's dumb letters. But that's a good record you bought. I loved the Beatles when I was a kid but the Government stations never play them any more."

"It was a present," George said, but the liver popped in the pan, and she had to disengage herself and see to it. At dinner George watched her; she watched him a good bit, too.

They had been married seven months. They said nothing of any importance. They washed up the dishes and went to bed. In bed, they made love. Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; re-made all the time, made new. When it was made, they lay in each other's arms, holding love, asleep. In her sleep Heather heard the roaring of a creek full of the voices of unborn children singing.