Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians (19 page)

Corey: That’s not good.

Larry: No, it’s been a whole tragic thing. I don’t want to get into it.

Corey: I saw you in your bunk on the tour bus, and it looks like your travel diet isn’t the healthiest.

Larry: I have been on a diet. I really got to do something. I am on a diet. Jared from Subway tried to sell me his old pants last week. I am dieting, though. I am gonna lose that weight. I’m on the Clay Aiken diet.

Corey: How’s that one work?

Larry: Just before you eat, you listen to a Clay Aiken CD and you try and keep food down.

Corey: That might work for you. When you’re on tour, what does your craft services table look like?

Larry: You know what, they used to have peaches, candy; we got it slimmed down now. We got it down to just pizza. Got it slimmed down pretty good.

Corey: I imagine you have a big family. Did you get a chance to get together with them last year?

Larry: Yeah, we got together. My brother won the Florida lottery.

Corey: Fantastic.

Larry: Well, eight bucks in scratch off. But he’s all cocky about it. I told him, I didn’t think he should have quit his job first. That was mistake one. I told him when he started winning that kind of money, you’re gonna find out who your real friends are. People wanting to borrow a quarter, 50 cents; it adds up.

Corey: You played a lot of big theatres with the Blue Collar tour. Do you approach a show differently when you play a big theatre as opposed to a comedy club?

Larry: Uh, I wear bigger clothes. I wear bigger clothes, and I just look bigger.

Corey: There is going to be a rodeo around the same time you’re going to be here. Are you worried about losing some of your audience to that?

Larry: No, you know what, I hope they go and support that rodeo. I’m a big fan of rodeo. I sponsor three guys in the PRCA (Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association). I got a bull in the professional bull riders. What is it, there a couple days?

Corey: I believe so.

Larry: Yeah, so they can go to the rodeo one night and come see me the next night. By all means, don’t miss the rodeo. You can see me another time.

Corey: You’ve got a bull. How do you pick a bull?

Larry: It’s actually my cousin; she’s a pretty big girl. And she’s pretty good. I think one guy stayed on her in the last six rounds. Sorry, no, there’s a guy who has a bull bucking company, and I just pay him to sponsor a bull. He named it after me.

Corey: That’s nice. I didn’t know if you actually went down to where they are raised and find out what a good way to pick a bull is.

Larry: Naw, it’s kind of like meat, you just kind of stick ’em a little bit and see what they’re like. No, he did that. I am thinking of getting in the bull business; buying some bucking bulls.

Corey: I would imagine that would be an interesting business to get in.

Larry: Yeah, I was thinking it would be kind of fun.

Corey: I was looking at some of the commentary on your Web site, and I wasn’t expecting you to have a blog. Do you check out other people’s blogs?

Larry: Blogs? What are you talking about?

Corey: Sort of an online diary.

Larry: Oh, I just update everybody on what I’m doing. I tell them where I’m gonna be and a little wrap up of the week. My fans like to know what’s going on. I put some jokes on there, keep them occupied. As far as going on it, nothin’. I don’t do anything on it. Here’s the only thing I’ll go on: I’ll go on the rodeo and bull riding pages, Oriental whore and the Jerry Falwell page. But those are the only pages. And Huskerpedia, every now, to check up on the Cornhuskers. And check up on Nascar to see how Mikey is doing—Michael Waltrip, he’s a buddy of mine. I’ll check on them sites and the rodeo sites and that’s it. I don’t go to any Googles. I don’t read about myself. Anybody can say anything they want about you on them sites and 90 percent of it is a bunch of B.S.; it doesn’t do anything but get you upset. I ain’t been on them sites in a long time, and I told my mom to quit e-mailin’ on there. If she can’t say somethin’ nice, then don’t say nothin’ at all. I don’t know what she’s pissed about; I visit her twice a week—in the slammer.

Corey: Do your fans get rowdy if they don’t hear the stuff they want to hear?

Larry: No, I’ve got real good, respectful fans. And they like to listen to the jokes and laugh. You’ve got to really listen because I do so many quick one-liner jokes. If you laugh at one, you’re going to miss six or seven others.

Corey: You prefer no laughter?

Larry: You know what, I prefer them to sit there, not make a peep until the show is over. And then once the show is over, we’ll sit there for 30 minutes and just laugh our asses off.

Corey: I saw a little of your guitar playing at the end of the ‘Blue Collar’ movie. Are you still working on that?

Larry: Tell me that wouldn’t make Shriners riot. I’m not going to play the guitar much. I do have a song I would like to sing at the end of the show. I’m going to pick it up and danker around with it and do a little pickin’ and grinnin’ ‘Hee-Haw’ session with it. Who doesn’t like that?

Corey: The ‘Git-R-Done’ slogan is very big; it’s on all your merchandise. What does the ‘R’ stand for?

Larry: The ‘R’ stands for anything. When I created that phrase, I said it on the radio to sign off. Basically the meaning of ‘Git-R-Done’ is give 110 percent, don’t quit whatever you do, don’t bullshit about it, just ‘Git-R-Done.’ That’s basically what it is. Kind of like ‘cowboy up’ or ‘just do it.’ Of course, for people, ‘just do it’ can be a dirty phrase. It ain’t. People think it’s a dirty phrase. They think ‘Git-R’ means her, but if I meant get her, I woulda wrote, ‘get her.’ I wrote ‘R’ to mean anything.

Corey: Were you able to get it copyrighted like Donald Trump did with ‘You’re fired’?

Larry: I got ‘Git-R-Done’ copyrighted, but not to the point where people can’t say it. Of course, you can’t do a commercial using that as your business slogan. You have to get permission to do that. There’s a lot of people who have it on their race cars and for their sports teams and that’s fine. You can’t sell any T-shirts with ‘Git-R-Done’ on it without going through us. But hey, I’d be an idiot if I didn’t copyright it. I’m only doing what anybody else would have done.

Corey: You’ve got a lot a lot of nice merchandise on your Web site. I’m shopping for a female friend for her birthday. Would you recommend the ‘Git-R-Done’ thong?

Larry: Oh, the ‘Git-R-Done’ thong is beautiful. I definitely would, male or female, they’re nice. I’m wearing one now, one of the blue ones. Nothin’ says, ‘I love you, sweetheart,’ like a ‘Git-R-Done’ thong. I got those because women were asking for them. I used to keep it simple. I used to sell hats and T-shirts, because I love my ‘Git-R-Done’ camo hat, and people ask where they can get them. Early on I just sold shirts and hats. Women said, ‘You’ve got to get some stuff for women. You know what would be really cool, the “Git-R-Done” thong.’ So we make ‘Git-R-Done’ thongs because people ask for ‘Git-R-Done’ thongs.

Corey: You’ve got to give the people what they want.

Larry: ‘Git-R-Done’ condoms, the rebel rubbers. You open ’em up; they play ‘Dixie.’ Three sizes, ‘Git,’ ‘Git-R,’ ‘Git-R-Done.’ That’s one of the big sellers.

In a lovely turn of events, former talk show hostess Dame Edna interviewed me, in an attempt to get some material for her first headlining shows in St. Louis.

Dame Edna: How are things in St. Louie? I’ve no idea what to expect. Is it in the desert? Are there cactuses? Is it called Midwest?

Corey: Things are good here in St. Louis. It’s not quite the desert, though.

Edna: People say to me, ‘How do you find out what’s going on in our city?’ I make a point of doing it because I don’t want the public looking at a generic show. It’s very interactive. I sing, I dance, I give lovely gifts.

Corey: That sounds very nice. I wish I had some juicy news to share with you.

Edna: Before I come to St. Louie, I’ll probably call you back for a bit of dirt or a little bit of the low-down.

Corey: Will there be audience participation in your show?

Edna: I involve the audience, probably a little too much. I mean, to me, I go to see a show every night, and the show I see is my public.

Corey: This is billed as ‘The Show That Cares.’ What can we expect?

Edna: I do not fill my show with a lot of four-letter words. Nor is it about heroin addiction. It’s about joy, the bonus of laughter that we need in times of extreme anxiety such as our present period of history.

Corey: How many pairs of glasses do you have?

Edna: I’ve got one for every frock, which is about 250 pairs. And you’ll find that in my last little newsletter on my Web site. You’re free to quote it. I like having my face furniture; it’s the frame to my eyes.

Corey: How do you prepare for a show; any special regiment?

Edna: I do a little dancing, a little stretching with my beautiful Ednaettes. With my musical director, a little voice training, some simple aerobics. I read the local papers, and I get the low-down. I’m not just doing the show. I’m in the shopping malls. I’m moving through the city.

David Sedaris nursed me through spinal meningitis.

Well, not personally, but while I was laid up in the hospital getting poked and prodded with needles every 15 minutes, I discovered the dark wit in his essays. My signed, first-edition of “Barrel Fever” is a cherished possession.

Corey: I heard you have been involved with the Helping Hands organization. Have you always been interested in monkeys?

David Sedaris: I’m just like anyone else; I’m impressed by the stuff that they can do: put food in a microwave and turn it on. Dial a telephone. Put a CD in the CD player.

Corey: So you think working for people is a good life for these helpers?

David: Yeah, the monkeys could be in a jungle somewhere dying of disease, and instead they’re making toast for people. I just think it’s funny, basically.