Lay It Down: Bastards MC Series Boxed Set (32 page)

I couldn’t look at him. His tone was enough to make my breath catch, and if he looked as sad as he sounded, I’d break down and beg him to change his mind.

“Joes, I know you don’t understand, but I just need a little time.”

“Why in the hell would I go back to him?” I demanded, his question infuriating me. “So I can spend the rest of my life pretending I love him? Counting down the days until the kids are old enough for me to leave? Do I just forget how he’s treated me lately? Yeah, I’m good, thanks.” I started transferring my clothes from the pile on the bed in front of me into my bag. I heard him moving toward my side of the bed, but I couldn’t look up.

He stopped, pushing my half-packed bag out of the way. “Joes, we’ll sort this out eventually, I swear. You know I’ll take as much of you as I can get. Maybe we can stay at the hotel a few nights a week—”

I shook my head, interrupting him. Awesome. So he and Taylor can live here and I can be his little plaything? Not a chance in hell. “No, Matty.” I couldn’t say more.

He sat down abruptly as if he’d been expecting a different answer. "Joes?" He shifted on the bed, and I knew he saw the look of confused bitterness on my face. “You’re not going to give me time to figure this out, are you?”

The shock in his voice ripped me apart, and I couldn't find my voice. I bit my lip, shaking my head.

He put a hand on my chin, turning my face toward him. "I'm not Will, Joes. I love you.” He sighed. “There isn’t someone else.”

I hated how he could read my mind, how he knew I was worrying about Taylor.

“I just need some time to get my head around everything that’s happened.”

I searched his eyes. “A little time? Wow, that’s a new one, even for you! Why, Matty? What is there to figure out? I love you; you say you love me. How is that confusing?”

He didn’t answer, only raised an eyebrow at my questions. The image of Taylor standing on our front steps, telling me she thought Matt was calling her for another booty call, filtered through my mind. My old insecurities just wouldn’t die.

“Who am I kidding? This was never gonna work.” I laughed bitterly. “We’ve been acting like stupid kids for months. It's time we face reality. I'm married and have two kids. You have Sammy and so much going on that I don’t even know where I would fit into your life. We're adults! No one falls in love like this when they're our age. You’re right. We walk away now, and no one gets hurt."

"Jesus, you’re so fucking melodramatic!” He closed his eyes for a brief moment, as if praying for patience. Suddenly they opened back up, locking onto mine. “No one gets hurt?" His eyes narrowed, and his jaw clenched. He flexed his cheek muscles, and I could tell he was trying to control his temper. "It's too fucking late for that, isn't it?" His voice was cold. He let go of my chin and pointed at me. "I told you I didn't want this, that it was a line we couldn't cross. As usual, once you get an idea stuck in that beautiful brain of yours, you don’t fuckin' listen to anyone. Now we can't go back. No matter what you do, Jo, someone gets hurt. It's nice to know it won't be you though."

That's not what I meant, and he knew it. “For crying out loud, make up your fucking mind! You tell me one minute that we can’t be together, the next you tell me you love me and want me forever, and now? Now, you need time and want some sort of relationship, but I just can’t live here.” I glared at him, feeling my nostrils flare as I debated what to say next. “What about me? What about what I want? I can’t do this anymore, Matty! I’m done.” Sighing, I nodded. "You’re right, we can’t go back. But we can do the right thing now. Can’t we just be friends again?”

His face hardened. “Friends? That’s really what you want? To have me come into work with stories of my latest girlfriend? ‘Cause I can guaran-fuckin-tee there will be girlfriends. Plural. Do you want to hear how amazing she is in bed, or wanna talk about our latest trip to the Caribbean, ‘cause you can bet your ass she’ll have a fuckin’ passport!”

I felt the color drain from my face as I let his shittiness get to me.

“I told you I needed some time. I won’t keep asking you to give me one simple thing, and I won’t spend my life alone just because you're terrified of the unknown. I’m not a fuckin’ monk."

"Ha! That's the fucking truth!" I spat at him. "Maybe you should tell the next girlfriend about the mountain of skeletons before she falls in love with you. Might save your heart some trouble."

It was his turn to laugh bitterly. "Now you worry about my heart? That’s disgustingly sweet."

"Oh, don't fool yourself. I'm not worried about you in the least. Like you just said, you'll move on and fall in love, no problem. And why wouldn't you? You're God's gift to women, right? I hate to break it to you, Mateo, but some of us want more than half-truths, empty promises, and romance whiplash!"

God! Why did he have to be so infuriating? I never would have pictured us ending like this—two pissed off people hurling insults at the other. I stared at my best friend, wondering what in the hell had happened to us. Only hours ago we’d been in bed, happy. Will was right—I’d been an idiot.

He shook his head. "Think what you want, but I never said a thing about love. I said there would be someone else, but we both know you are it for me, Josephine. You are the love of my life.” He reached a hand out, grabbing mine. “I will be in love with you until the day I die.”

His tone was so sincere, it tugged at my heart and I wanted to believe his words. But his history was blatantly obvious.

“Now who’s being melodramatic?” I threw my free hand in the air, annoyed. “You said the same thing about Becky, but that only lasted until the next bimbo came along. Poor Matty can’t be alone.”

“The fuck I did!” He jerked his hand away, narrowing his eyes dangerously. “I didn’t want to lose Sam, but Bex and I… we were together for him. Yeah, the rest of them were because I didn’t want to be alone. But you? I fucking love you! Now that I’ve had you, I can’t imagine you being with anyone else! The thought of you being with Will, letting him touch you… Jesus, it makes me want to kill him.” He stood, walked around the bed, and raised his arm, clearing his dresser with a crash. I jumped at the sound of bottles breaking as numerous scents filled the air. “Don’t you have any fucking idea how hard this is for me?”

“No! I don’t,” I whispered.

“I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of my life. But right now… that asshole prick hasn’t given us much of a choice.” He was yelling at me again, which instantly pissed me off.

“Will is an ass, I’ll give you that, but right now, he’s worried about his kids. I know for a fact that if you hated the man Becky was with, you’d do the same fucking thing! You would dig up every bit of his past to see what kind of man he was, to see if you could trust him around Sam. And if you thought you couldn’t, you aren’t above threatening and scheming to keep him away.”

“I’d be pissed, yeah, but I’d trust her instincts.”

“Bullshit! You don’t trust my instincts, and you’re my best friend. Why would he? You know the Bastards are dangerous! You're dangerous! You beat on Will in a parking lot. If I hadn't stopped you…” I looked up, shocked to see his face pale. I couldn’t finish my thought. “And mixed with your history, why would any dad let his children live with you?”

“I don’t give two shits what that asshole wants. All I care is that you want me, that you trust me. Those Bastards would kill to protect you and the kids. Think what you want of me, but know I would die before I'd let anyone hurt you!” He ground his teeth, obvioualy fighting for control.

"Really? Tell that to Ellie! Do you really think Ian wouldn't have died to protect her? He's never gonna be okay, Matty! He's gonna be broken for the rest of his life!"

"You're scared, and I get it. I’m fuckin’ petrified. There’s a reason most of us don’t have families. I never know when my past is gonna catch up. Up until now, I thought I was safe here, that building a life here kept the ones I love away from everything else. I just need time to make sure you’re still safe. Don't end this, Joes, because if you do…" He trailed off, leaving his threat to my imagination.

"Are you listening to yourself? I can't do this, Matty! I can’t leave today and sit around waiting for you to change your mind. I can’t be with another man who puts me last.”

His eyes roamed my face, but then he looked away.

I couldn't breathe. "I can’t leave my kids. You're asking me to give up everything in order to maybe someday be a part of your life! I'd never ask you to do that!" I hollered.

"Bullshit!" he yelled back. "I'm not asking you to give up anything but time. Your kids will be fine with Will. I would give up everything I have, every fucking thing I own, to make sure you didn’t have to lose anything, Joes!" He raked his hands through his hair.

I narrowed my eyes, taking a deep breath. He just wasn’t getting it. Putting a hand to my chest, I willed him to understand. “I can’t do this, Matty. It's so much more than how I feel about you! I can’t live like this. Wondering if the day is going to come when you decide you need more than just a little space. Fighting Will on every decision I make because he hates you and doesn’t want the kids around you. No matter how you look at it, we can’t make this work, Matty!”

I shook my head and felt the tears sting. “I can’t give you time, because I won’t be that person again—waiting on the back burner for someone to get his priorities straight. Because after the last fifteen years, I deserve more than the sporadic fifteen minutes. And because I love you and can’t even fathom a life without you in it, I can’t have only part of you. We deserve to be happy, and as much as I want to, we can't do that together. You deserve someone who can be everything I can’t.”

“What is that exactly? Taylor?” he sneered. “And you? You deserve some boring-ass guy who works nine to five? Someone who will never push you? Someone who will put you up on a pedestal and never let you live? Guess what, sweetheart, you already had that and hated every second! Aagghh! You are so fucking stubborn,” he screamed at me, fists clenched at his sides.

“Here’s a fucking newsflash, Matty, so are you!” I screamed back. I sighed, adjusting the pile of clothes I still needed to pack.

He took the two long steps to me, bending his knees so we were eye to eye, an emotion I couldn’t read on his face. "We don’t work as a couple? Well, baby, that’s the only way we’ll ever be anything again. It’s all or nothing. I can’t be a bystander anymore. I won’t sit back and pretend I’m your friend. You’ve thought it all through, huh? Fuck!” His voice broke, and he started to shake. “The one thing you’re missing, the one thing you can't get through that god-awful thick skull of yours, is that you are my everything, Joes! By leaving me, you are taking my everything.”

I saw the water pool in his eyes, and my heart broke. "Matty."

I fell into him, a lump in my throat preventing more words, and wrapped my arms around him. I loved this man more than I could even comprehend. After a few minutes, he shifted and opened to me, pulling me in. I could feel the tension radiating through his body, and I wanted nothing more than to take it away. For a long time, he held me to him, tighter than he'd ever held me before, as if he knew if he slackened his grip, I'd slip away.

I swallowed at the lump, not wanting to believe the words I was about to say, but it didn’t budge. We couldn’t be ending this quickly, over something so small. But here we were. “We were always going to end up here, Matty.”

"Don't you know that I would do anything for you?" His voice was full of emotion.

Anything except ask me to stay
. I knew that was his way of telling me he would let me go. There would be no ploys, no threats, no begging—because he wasn’t Will. I knew that even if it killed him, he wouldn't call me tomorrow to see if I'd changed my mind or to tell me how much he loved me. This, right here, was how we ended eleven years of friendship. This was our good-bye.

He tensed, and I knew he felt the finality of it too. Pulling back, he closed his hands around my face, rubbing his thumb back and forth across my cheek. I wanted to remember this moment forever. His scent, the cold metal from his ring, the quick beat of his heart echoing against my chest.

His lips brushed mine softly, and I forced my eyes open, needing to see him. The thumb moved to my lips, gently tracing them as if he too was memorizing this moment. “I’ll miss you, Joes.”

I couldn’t tell him I’d miss him, or that I loved him, or that I’d changed my mind and would do whatever it took to stay in his life, because my mouth wouldn’t form words.

He gave me his lopsided grin, and my heart shattered. "Plato said that we each have a soul mate—one person we share a spirit with. That person can be a friend or a lover, but it is someone to whom we are bonded for eternity.” He eyes bore into mine, showing me how much pain was behind those beautiful blue depths. As if on cue, a single tear pooled from his eye and rolled down his cheek. “I want you to know, to remember, Joes, that you have always been mine."

He dropped his hands and turned, hurrying from the room. I fell onto the bed when the door slammed, then I heard the bike roar to life. Just like that, he was gone, and my life would never be the same. I sat on the bed, clutching the black T-shirt I’d claimed, until the tears stopped running.