Layover (29 page)

I never thought of the possibility that I could be pregnant. How wonderful it would be if Allen and I were to have our own baby!

“I’m fine. No, I don’t think that’s it. Well, Dee, I’ll call you later.”

I quickly hung up the phone. Suddenly I felt better. How exciting it would be to start a family with Allen! I started getting dressed. I was going to buy one of those home pregnancy tests. I smiled gleefully as I went into the garage and started the car. I drove to the drugstore and went inside. I happily picked one of the many choices and brought it home. I wasn’t even sure if it would work because yesterday was the first day I missed my period. I didn’t know if it would be too soon to tell. I carefully pee-peed in the cup and followed all of the instructions. I watched nervously as the stick returned a positive result. I started screaming and shouting with joy! How happy Allen would be to know I was having his child. I decided to confirm it with my doctor, so I called and made an appointment. The doctor instructed me come right away, so I did.

When I got to the doctor’s office, I informed him that my home pregnancy test had returned a positive result and that I was there to confirm it. I took the usual steps of going to the bathroom and waiting for the doctor to come back and confirm. Soon, he returned.

“Congratulation Mrs. Reilly. You and your husband are expecting.”

His words caused me to become light-headed. ‘You and your husband...’. Oh my God, I had forgotten that Kenny and I slept together the same day Allen mistakenly made love with me. I wanted to die! What if this baby was Kenny’s? I was really going to be sick now. My reaction must have been apparent to my doctor.

“Mrs. Reilly, are you alright? I mean, I thought you were happy about this?”

Shit, I was until you said that.

“No, no. I am happy. It’s just that, it’s my first child. I started thinking about all of the responsibility and well, I became a little frightened. I mean, it’s one thing to be happy about being pregnant, but it’s another thing to think about caring for a baby, right?”

“Absolutely, but just remember, we are here for you. So, I will need to see you in two weeks for an ultra sound and then a month from that for a routine checkup. I am going to prescribe some prenatal vitamins for you today.”

“Thanks, Doctor.”

When the doctor left the room, I started breathing heavily and sweating. What had I gotten myself into? I feel so stupid. Why didn’t I think about this before? If this was Kenny’s baby, I would just die! I hated him and certainly didn’t want to bring his child into this world. Still, there was no way to know who the father is. I was with both of them on the exact same day! Even a paternity test would return results too close to be certain without extensive testing. Maybe that was it! Maybe I would never tell Allen that I was with Kenny that day. I mean, no one would know. As far as I was concerned, this was Allen’s baby and I was going to act accordingly. The only problem is
when
do I tell him?

I left the doctor’s office and got in my car. I was confused. I had come here so happy, and with the simple words of a caring professional, my life is turned upside down.

I went to the pharmacy to have my prescription filled. I was going to take the best care of myself and be the best mother I could be. I could just picture myself married to Allen and having five sons. I would be like a soccer mom. I would bake cookies and go to softball games. I knew I would be really good at this whole parenting thing and I knew I had the best partner to help me. Allen has already displayed his great parenting skills just in the way he rears Andy. He is a wonderful man and I am not going to ruin my life with the possibility that my child may be Kenny’s.

As I made my way back home, I realized that with all the excitement, I had not talked to Allen today. I wondered if he had made it home alright. I started feeling anxious, so I called him to make sure everything was going well.

“Hello,” he answered.

“Allen, is everything alright?”

“Yeh, why do you ask, Ny?”

“Because you didn’t call me today.”

“I did call, girl. You didn’t answer the phone at home, so I called the office. Dee Dee said you weren’t feeling well and you weren’t working today. I tried your cell, but the call went straight to voicemail - like you had turned your phone off or something.”

I remembered that I turned my phone off in the doctor’s office because they don’t allow cell phone usage there because it interferes with their equipment.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“So, are you alright? I mean, what’s wrong? Why don’t you feel well?”

I wasn’t ready to tell him.

“Oh, it’s just a little headache. I mean, I could have gone to the office, but I really didn’t want to.”

“Ok, as long as you are not really that sick. Ny, I was worried. I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to you.”

“Thank you Allen. I don’t know what I would do without you either.”

“Ny, I wanted to let you know that Kenny called me this morning.”

“Oh really. What did he have to say?”

“He just wanted to remind me that he thought it was fucked up that you and I are together. However, he also said that he can see why you left him. Ny, I almost feel sorry for Kenny. He can’t seem to find any happiness.”

“Allen, happiness is not lost. You can’t just
find
happiness. You have to make happiness. You make it by being kind and treating people well. Happiness is borne from that. Kenny has never done anything for anyone except himself his whole life. He will never be happy until he does.”

“I guess you are right. I just can’t help but be concerned. I mean, I love my brother.”

“Allen, I know you love him. We all love Kenny. But don’t beat yourself up over this. He is a big boy - he can take it.”

“Ny, you know I love you, right?”

Oh God, here we go!
He better not try to break up with me over his guilt for Kenny.

“Yeh, I know.”

“Nya, are you sure this is what you want? Am I really who you want to be with or are you just trying to hurt Kenny?”

“Allen, how dare you ask me a question like that? If I wanted to just hurt Kenny, I certainly wouldn’t need to marry his brother to do it. That is just gravy. I mean, what are you saying? Are you getting cold feet?”

“No, it’s not that. I just want to make sure I’m the only man you love.”

“You know what Allen? I don’t like the turn this conversation is taking. You talk to Kenny one time since we’ve been home and now all of a sudden you are an advocate for the broken-hearted. Well, let me tell you one thing: If it’s bothering you that much, we don’t have to get married. But I can assure you of one thing: Kenny did it to you and he didn’t have one ounce of guilt. And do you know what else? If he ever got the chance, he would do it again. Kenny despises you. He is jealous of you and has been his whole life. You are going to waste your whole life feeling sorry for someone who doesn’t give a damn about you! What’s worse is you are going to let someone who loves and adores you get away in the process. Well if that’s what you want, you got it. And don’t worry, I don’t need you or Kenny. Regardless of whether you and I were to get married, I am divorcing Kenny anyway. I guess when you got home today and realized that it was time to file for your divorce from Lisa, you started having second thoughts. Well, don’t even worry about it now. I’m out.”

“Ny, wait. Don’t hang up. I was just saying...”

“No, Allen. I’m not going to start this relationship with you second guessing my feelings for you. If you don’t know now, then you’ll never know. I’m not going to spend my life trying to prove that I love you. If you are that insecure then we don’t need to be together. Goodbye.”

“Ny...”

It was all I heard before I hung up the phone. I was so angry. I could really see just how much he was like his brother in that conversation. As mad as I am at Allen, I’m even angrier at Kenny. It was clear to me that Kenny was playing on Allen’s sympathy and guilt. He probably even played the “brother” card. Kenny is very slick and he will do whatever it takes to get what he wants.

Allen continued to call my cell phone for several minutes after that. I wouldn’t answer it. I wanted him to take some time and think about what I was trying to tell him. I mean, I know there are going to be some challenges associated with this relationship, but damn, don’t make it more difficult than it already is.

I went back to the house and plopped down in front of the television. I guess for the next nine months, this was going to be my new pastime. I tried to concentrate, but my heart felt heavy and I could feel the bulge in my throat as I tried to hold back the tears. Why was everything going so terribly wrong? It’s like as soon as I overcome one obstacle, I’m plagued by another. The minute I get Lisa straight, Kenny starts cutting up and throwing salt in the game. And Allen is no better. He is sitting up there listening to Kenny and he is going to end up alone. As for me, I’m sitting up here pregnant, unsure of the father, going through a divorce, and may not even have a new husband lined up. I feel like all those stupid women I used to gossip about and make fun of. Look at me, I’m supposed to be so perfect, so together, and supposed to have everything under control. Yet here I am more screwed up than ever!

I sat in front of the television and cried until my face hurt. It was pulsating by the time I realized that there were no more tears left and my nasal passage was swollen shut. I struggled to breathe through my nose and had to inhale and exhale from my mouth. I was as pitiful as they came. I wanted a life with Allen, but I did want to be under a microscope. I didn’t want to live a life where everyone would be waiting for me to say or do something around Kenny that would give any indication that I would rather have him than Allen. I wish Allen could understand how much I really love him. It’s not totally his fault, though. Men are less willing to make huge life changes like women are. Men are more comfortable with the familiar. He has no way of knowing what a life with me would be like. But, he sure as hell ought to want to find out. I didn’t know if I was going to call him or if I was just going to wait it out. It was hard for me to tell who was at fault here. I mean, maybe I jumped the gun a bit. Maybe I should not have hung up the telephone on him. I realize he has a lot on his plate right now. It’s possible that I could be a little more patient. Still, he was wrong for coming at me with that Kenny sympathy shit! It’s like this: Either you want me or you don’t.

Chapter Five

Days had passed, and Allen did not try to call me again. I was hurt and devastated even though I was the one who hung up on him and wouldn’t take his calls. I guess I felt he should have tried harder. I walked around the house each day with my hair mussed all over my head in a bathrobe and slippers. As far as my company was concerned, Dee Dee could have easily done a hostile takeover and I never would have known. I called in each day to tell her I was still sick, and soon, it felt like she was the boss and I was the slacker employee. She had hired a new agent and said that things were going well. I was glad that she was able to step up to the plate when I needed her. It just goes to show that you can’t judge people by the way they talk, or where they’re from. Dee Dee was as competent as most.

The more days that went by and I did not talk to Allen, the more real the possibility seemed that I would end up alone. It was something I had not even considered up until then. Still, I wasn’t going to call him because I had done nothing wrong. If we end up not together then it’s just as well. I refuse to marry another person who second guesses me. Even with all of that, I still stared at the cordless handset like I could make it ring. And after a while, it did.

“Hello,” I answered anxiously.

“Hey girl,” Kita greeted me.

I must have let out a disappointed sigh because she was offended.

“Damn, girl. If you don’t want to talk to folk, you need to get Caller ID,” she informed me.

“I have Caller ID, just not on this cordless. It’s not that. It’s just...,” I stopped myself, “Anyway what’s up?” I asked, changing the subject and my tone.

“Well, the annual Minority Business holiday charity gala is coming up in a few days. I wanted to make sure you and Kenny are still coming.”

“I don’t think so Kita, not this year.”

Kita was very big on anything dealing with minority businesses and money. She knew how to get anything she wanted and the source of most of it came from being involved in organizations like these. Kenny and I usually attended every year and I always met great contacts. Some of the most wealthy and powerful people came each year.

“Why not, Ny? You know how big this is. This year I am the committee chairperson and I will be responsible for the guest list. You guys have to come. There are going to be some big wigs!”

“Maybe you can use one for the cover of your magazine,” I joked.

“Not funny, Ny. Now, why can’t you come?”

I didn’t want to tell her. I mean, she was my friend and all, but frankly, Kita never liked Kenny for me. She always harbored the thought that we would somehow not make our marriage work. I just wasn’t in the mood to hear, ‘I told you so’.

“Kita, I can’t really talk about it now.”

“Nya, you know I’m not taking that for an answer. Now tell me what’s going on. Are you and Kenny having problems?”