Lead (19 page)

“Yes. Apparently you do.” It probably should have surprised me, but it didn’t. We had been living together for several months now and for someone I’d once considered self-involved, Jimmy noticed the strangest things. My period having arrived mid-morning certainly explained my crap mood in the last twenty-four hours. “Though I do appreciate the pie.”

“Great. I don’t hug,” he said.

“Everyone hugs.”

“Not me, touching isn’t my thing.” He crossed and uncrossed his arms. “Unless fucking is involved and we’re not doing that.”

He was trying to scandalize me. I knew that about him by now. I wonder how scandalized he’d be if I offered. Instead, I said, “You’ve touched me no less than eighteen times in the past month. You’re more of a toucher than you know.”

His eyes widened, then narrowed. “You just pulled that figure out of your ass, didn’t you?”

“You count drinks, I count touches.”

“Hmm. I’m not doing it.”

“What are you, a man or a mouse?” I asked, my voice challenging.

“Your boss.”

Good answer. Still, in Coeur d’Alene, when he’d wanted comfort, he’d just grabbed hold of me. There’d been no debating, no negotiating. He’d sure as hell never asked what I wanted, he’d just taken what he needed. And what I needed right now was him, every last little molecule inside me knew it.

Fuck it. I launched myself at him.

Jimmy caught me with an “oomph,” his hands grappling with my waist. My arms wrapped tight around his neck. I might have accidentally broken my nose on his collarbone but no matter. He was now obliged to console me, physically. The ache in the bridge of my nose could be ignored. The man stood petrified, I could almost smell his fear. But this, being so close to him, was nirvana.

Sheer, unadulterated bliss.

His breath hitched, but then his chest moved fast against me, ribs rising and falling. I waited for him to shrug me off, or, more likely, pry me off with a crowbar. Gradually, rock hard muscles eased against me. A tentative hand patted me on the back, out of rhythm. Apparently, years of musicianship and his innate natural talent had been lost due to my hug. Ah, the power, I would never let him go.

The combined sounds of our breathing echoed in the stairwell.

“Lena?”

“Shh, I’m concentrating.” I clung on tighter, just in case he now decided to try and escape.

He smelled crazy good, some nice expensive cologne underlined with the sweat and scent of him. Thank god he’d forgotten about the shirt I’d stolen. The same smell was far fainter on it. Nothing like breathing deep straight from the source. And care of the questing tip of my sore nose, I had struck skin, the base of his neck, even. Wonderful.

“Your nose is cold,” he bitched.

“Quiet. You’re ruining the mood.”

“There is no mood. You’re acting crazy is all.”

Downstairs people were talking, the muted beating of drums, but nothing mattered more than here and now.

“We done yet?” he asked.

“No.”

“One more minute, then that’s it, Lena.”

“Two.”

He exhaled hard. “I better not have to do this every month from now on.”

Another timid pat or two. Then, ever so slowly, his other arm wrapped lightly around me, hand slipping beneath my hair. Fingers stroked back and forth over the back of my neck. We stood there, my breasts mooshed up against his hard chest. He rested his chin on the top of my head and I could feel his breaths faintly against my scalp, stirring my hair. Despite the differences in height, we fit together just right. His other hand started firmly smoothing up and down my spine, pressing me into him. Each time it went a bit further, fingers glancing over the small of my back and the beginning of the curve of my ass. My breathing faltered each time his hand went down, dying to know how far he’d go, wishing he’d do more.

My medicinal hug was fast turning X-rated.

“Sorry the dates sucked,” he said.

I really didn’t want to talk about the dates.

“Tonight’s will be better.”

Other men could get lost.

“Lena?”

God damn it. “What?”

His mouth was a tight line. “Did Ev really upset you?”

“No. We’ll work it out between ourselves.”

“You sure? I’ll talk to her if you need me to.”

“Would you really?”

“Course.”

“You’re so dreamy, Jimmy Ferris,” I happy sighed.

“Christ, now you’re really weirding me out.” His hands settled on my hips. “Okay?”

“Yes.”

He gave me the makings of a hesitant smile while he straightened his shirt, setting himself to rights. Oddly, he seemed almost shy, looking down, avoiding my eyes.

“Right. I’m getting back to work.” But he didn’t move. Instead, he looked up at me like he was no longer entirely sure of who I was or what I was doing in his house. A shaking hand smoothed down the front of his shirt.

I smiled gently. “Thanks, Jimmy. I needed that.”

He paused, as if he might say something, but then didn’t. A distracted nod and he disappeared.

# # #

“Say one word about what I’m wearing and I will kick you.” I told the man sitting on the bottom stair and I meant every word of it.

“I wouldn’t dare. When’s he arriving?” Jimmy looked up, checking out my jeans and tight black sweater. Lord knows I had the assets, might as well use them. Despite my ample bosoms, his careful blank expression never altered. He’d been down in the gym, working out since everyone left an hour or so ago, sweat dampened his hair and the back of his grey T-shirt.

“He’s not,” I said. “I’m meeting him in town.”

“You don’t trust me not to give him shit.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Why don’t I drive you in?”

“Because I don’t trust you not to give him shit, we just established that. Besides, I can drive myself,” I said. “Us women are liberated these days. Why, next I bet we’ll even get the vote!”

He raised his brows and gave me a dour look. “Right. You can’t take your piece-of-shit car, it hasn’t even been run in the last few months. I drive us everywhere.”

“My piece-of-shit car will be fine. Thank you.”

He let out a long-suffering sigh, as if admitting defeat. “Take the Mercedes. At least then I’ll know you got there okay.”

“You’re sweet to worry about me.”

A grunt.

“Can I take the ’Cuda?”

“Not a fucking chance.”

I grinned. “You wound my soul, Jimmy Ferris.”

He just watched me, fussing with my hair in the entryway mirror.

“What are you doing tonight?” I asked.

His shoulders and arms flexed, straining the thin cotton of his T. “Haven’t decided.”

Something in his voice made me pause, a hint of loneliness or a certain sadness I hadn’t heard before. The man seemed almost verging upon despondent. Cranky and grumpy were normal, this was not.

“None of the guys are coming back?” I asked. “You didn’t want to go hang out with them?”

“They’ve been here working all day. We’ll be in each other’s faces all the damn time on tour. No need to start now.”

I didn’t like it, but it did make sense. “No game on? I won’t be here to complain about the unendurable monotony of it, for once.”

“Not really in the mood for TV.”

“What are you going to do, then?”

He groaned. “I’m a grown man, Lena. I can entertain myself.”

“I know you can.” I hugged my coat and bag in front of me. “But I’m trusting you to tell me if you need me around tonight.”

“I do not need you around.”

I hesitated while cold eyes watched me.

“Keys are in the car,” he said.

The situation got me to thinking about what would happen to Jimmy if I did leave. No matter how many icicles he made with his gaze, he wasn’t frozen inside, he just liked to pretend as much. But I’d seen his pain and his self-doubt. Perhaps what Ev said earlier had stuck with me. Allowances had to be made for keeping him on track. I needed to think ahead, see to his best interests. Love came in all sorts of shapes and sizes, but if it wasn’t based upon doing what was right for the one you loved, then what was it worth, really?

Nothing.

And that’s what my feelings for him were growing into, love. No matter how scary it was, there was a certain calm to be found in facing the truth. It might or might not have been fated, but it was fast becoming fact.

“I think you should date too,” I said, the words small and tight. It’s a wonder I could find them at all.

“What?”

“I think you need to start dating again for both our sakes. Just think about it.”

He sniffed. “I’m doing fine as I am. It’s a dumb idea.”

“Holing up here, hiding from the world? That’s not a long-term solution.”

“No, you’re right Lena.” He slapped his hands together, rubbing them briskly. “I know, let’s go to my favorite bar and hang out for a while. We’ll do a couple of shots for old time’s sake and then I can pick up a girl or two, bring them back here to play. Sounds fun, yeah? I think we’d all have a real good time.”

I had nothing to offer on his suggestion.

“What, you don’t like that idea?”

Change of plans. What I most wanted for Christmas was to wipe the stupid smirk off his face. No one else drove me this crazy. “If you’re finished being an asshole, I’ll explain what I meant,” I said.

“Oh, please do.”

“I think you need more,” I said, my voice emphatic. “You need friends outside of me and the band.”

“So I’d be dating to make you feel better?”

“No, Jimmy.” I bundled my coat up against my chest like a shield. “You’d be dating because you’re ready. Because you’re a wonderful man who has a lot to offer a woman when you’re not being a complete and utter bastard like now.”

He gave me a slow clap. “That was beautiful, Lena. Like poetry. I think I almost cried.”

“What even is it when you get like this? Are you scared? Is it your turn to PMS, what is it exactly? Do you need a hug?” I crossed the floor between us. “Because I’m trying to understand what motivates this shit with you. But at the end of the day, you’re a grown man in control of himself and you’re choosing to act like an absolute prick and you’re pushing away people that care for you in the process. Explain that to me.”

“It’s a gift.”

“Try again.” I towered over his seated form in my heels, furious. The man was damn lucky there were no weapons to hand. Then slowly he stood, the solid length of him almost forcing me to take a step back. Except I refused to. “Well?”

The edge of his mouth curled up. “You never back down, do you?”

“Why the hell would I?”

There almost seemed to be a hint of gray in his eyes. Like he’d seen too much, like it had aged him in ways. His voice softened. “So fearless.”

“No, I just refuse to be afraid of you,” I said. “I think too many people over the years have gotten into the habit of scurrying off to do your bidding out of fear of being the target of your snide comments, or at the merest hint of that famous Ferris anger. It’s bullshit. I will not be like that with you. You’re not an overtired toddler throwing a tantrum, you are an adult. You can control yourself if you choose to. And it’s about time you chose to.”

His just stared at me, face expressionless.

“Well?”

He raised his hand and ever so carefully, lifted a strand of my hair, tucking it behind my ear. Then he bent in close enough for his lips to brush my ear, his breath warm. “You’re right, I was an asshole to you just now.”

“I know,” I whispered back.

The smile was in his eyes even if it was missing from his mouth. He studied my face, taking his time. “You never have to be afraid of me. I’d never hurt you.”

“I know that too.” Not on purpose he wouldn’t. Never on purpose.

“Go on. Go on your date, Lena.”

My chin rose. “Think about what I said.”

He exhaled then gave me a begrudging nod. “Deal.”

# # #

“That’s the eleventh time you’ve checked your phone in the last half an hour. Something wrong?”

“God, I’m sorry,” I said, slipping the stupid thing back into my bag. “You were explaining to me exactly what a sound technician does and I zoned out on you which was horribly rude.”

My date gave me his crooked smile. Damn, he was cute. The problem with spending quality time with the godlike Stage Dive boys was, you lost touch with normality. They were the ideal that porny dreams were made of. Right here beside me, however, Dean Jennings was all that and then some. Brown hair fell to his shoulders and a silver ring pierced his lip, green eyes watched me with faint humor.

“I’ve worked with Jimmy on and off for the past six years,” he said. “I know he can be a handful, so if you need to get back to him we can do this another night.”

“That’s good of you, but he’s fine. He wanted me out of the house, so he’s probably in need of some space.”

Dean nodded. “I think it’s great the way he’s gotten clean and everything.”

“Yes.”

“Couldn’t have been easy.”

“No.”

He picked at the label on his bottle of beer. Around us, the cool people partied in the underground dive bar. It was in Chinatown, a band and hangers-on favorite.

Maybe this bar was also the one Jimmy had referred to as his pick, though it wasn’t the kind of place I could imagine anyone wearing a suit. Some of the women here were definite eye-catchers. There was a jukebox belting out indie classics, a couple of pinball machines and a pool table. The place had a nice, dingy, sticky-floored vibe and they also did awesome chili fries. I popped one into my mouth and my taste buds wept with gratitude. Either that or I was drooling, they were just that good.

“Sorry. Guess you can’t really talk about him,” said Dean, summoning me back to the present once more.

I half covered my mouth with my hand. “No, not really.”

“There’s stuff in my contract about discussing them too, but since you’re one of the in crowd…”

“It’s a strange world we live in, isn’t it? Being on the fringes of famous people’s lives.”

He laughed. “Yeah, it is. Some of the stuff I’ve seen over the years, back when all the guys were single and partying every night, it was pretty insane.”

“Groupies and all that sleazy stuff?”