Learning to Fly (2 page)

“What would you have me do? I got fired today. Do you have money to take care of us?  I don’t work my ass off to pay for all those AP courses and a computer, for you to look down your nose at me.”She moves over in front of the window.  “You think you’re the only one that has dreams?  I had dreams, too, but they all went away the day I got pregnant with you.”  That’s it! I can’t take one more moment of listening to this.  I’m so angry, but with the tears rolling down my cheeks, you wouldn’t know it.

“I get it; I’m the one that screwed up your life by being here.  Well, I didn’t ask to be here.  Maybe if you learned to keep your legs closed, you wouldn’t continue to have the same problems.”  Before she can say another word, I grab my jacket off the dresser and slam my bedroom door as I walk out.  I take one last look around the empty living room before slamming the apartment door behind me.  There, I finally did it.  The sad thing is that I barely even scratched the surface of all the things I’ve wanted to say to her for so long. 

I should be fist pumping, cartwheel happy, but I’m not.  I’m actually ashamed of what I said. I know better, even if she doesn’t.I hate being the grownup.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial Heidi’s number.  “Hey biotch, what’s up?”  She answers, faking a Jersey girl accent.

“Headed your way, can you hang out?” I listen, as she tells Matt that he needs to leave, she’s getting company.

“Okies, I’m free to hang now.”

“Sweet, see you in a few minutes.” I get to her place and ring the bell; her mother answers the door. “Hello there, Sophia, how nice to see you.  Heidi is back in her room and you know the way.”  She has a mom like the ones you see in the TV shows, the lucky bitch.  She has the mom who stays home, cleans, cooks, and truly loves her.  Heidi says she gets on her nerves, but if she had to spend 24 hours with Angie, I think she would reconsider.

I turn the knob and walk into her pink room.  She greets me with a smile and a tackle hug.  “’I’m so glad to be here.” I give her an extra squeeze at the end, before we part.

“What was that for?”  She asks and gives me a sideways glance.

“Why can’t I just be happy to see my best friend?”  I need a subject change and I need it quickly. “I’m starved; let’s order Chinese.”  She’s looking at me with a concerned look on her face.  I know she’s trying to read me, so I put on my best poker face.  My heart is hurting badly and I’m not just here for support.  I’m here to say goodbye. “Are we ordering or what?” 

She pulls out her cell, and starts to dial the number. I hand her a $20 to pay for our dinner.She finishes placing her special order lo mein, which is basically plain lo mein noodles with brown sauce.  “I want sesame chicken this time, extra spicy please.” 

She covers over the mic on the phone. “Whatever is going on, you better spill it.”  She continues giving me the once over while she confirms our order.

She sits on the floor in front of me, legs crossed.  “OK, Mr. Li says it will be a half hour before our delivery, so spill it,” she looks at me with narrowed, suspicious eyes.

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”  When Heidi is on to something, she is like a dog with a bone, refusing to leave it alone. 

“Uh, I call bull shit!  I know you, Sophia Ann Marshall, and I can tell when something is bothering you.And you only order spicy sesame chicken when your stomach is already upset.” She points her finger at me accusingly; she’s right, I am upset and I love her for it.  She is the only person I’ve let get close to me; she feels more like a sister than a friend to me. If we were sisters, I’d wish for us to have her mom so we could both have a normal life.

I look at her exasperated.  “I don’t even know where to start.” 

She looks at her clock, “Ok, we have 28 minutes left, now go.”

“My mom broke up with Steve.” I can tell she is confused from the look she gives me. 

“Huh? I thought she was dating that guy Ron from her job.”I shake my head, ready to explain.

“No, Steve is the guy from her job. Rich was the guy from the furniture store.” I explain.

“What happened to Ron? I liked him.”

“That’s who she broke up with for this guy, Steve.”

“Are you sure his name wasn’t Ron? I’m very good with names, and I am positive his name was Ron.”

Frustrated, I slide my palms down over my face.“It doesn’t matter WHAT his name is.  The point is that they broke up, so now we have to move to Jonestown.” Heidi sits in front of me wearing the same dumbfounded look I had worn just minutes earlier.

“But we just finished our junior year, and that’s like a million miles away.” With that statement, Heidi proves why she is my best friend; she gets me and understands my frustration in dealing with Angie.

I nod my head, angrily. “I have one more year of high school.” I say, holding up the index finger of my right hand in front of Heidi’s face.

“How can she expect you to move in the last year of high school?” Obviously, Heidi has forgotten we are not dealing with a normal, rational thinking adult; we’re dealing with Angie, my mother.

“She gives me the guilt trip about how hard her life is and how we don’t have money.As if I don’t know that we don’t have extra money.  Why does she think I work part time two days a week at shitty pizza, and was planning to work there all summer?”  The real name is City Pizza, but the food and service are so bad that I’ve gone to naming it shitty pizza.  Heidi’s eyes go big as her mind formulates a plan.  She jumps to her feet and starts to pace. “Ok, you’re 17, smart, you already have a job, and you have a solid 4.0.  Do that emancipated minor thing. “I’ve never heard of someone getting that just to get away from an irresponsible parent.

“Isn’t that just for the pregnant girls and kids that are one step away from juvie?” I have never been in trouble a day in my life, and one would need to be having sex before they could be pregnant.  I come up short in both areas.

Heidi stops pacing and leans back on the desk. “No offense, but with Angie’s track record, there is no way they wouldn’t grant you your freedom.”  The thought of leaving Angie behind to go on with my life appeals to me, just not like this.  I feel so conflicted.  I wish that I knew who my father is or that my grandparents would take an interest in me.  Instead, I mourn the loss of people I have never known.

“I couldn’t do that to her, it would kill her.”  I confess as Heidi puts her arms around me and hugs me hard. 

“I don’t know what to say, but I’m sorry.  I will miss you so much!”  She starts crying. 

“Don’t cry, you tramp, you’re going to make me cry, too.”  I say as she sniffs and wipes her nose.

“Too late.”  We stop crying long enough to go get the Chinese delivery.  Heidi is chewing very slowly on her lo mein, concentrating really hard.  “You need a plan.” She gestures with her chopstick, as if it is a permanent part of her hand, while she talks.  “You make sure you stay on track academically, we will still stay really close, and text every day.Then, we will still put in our applications to go to Brown together.”  She nods as if she is convincing herself that this plan will work.

Looking down at my phone, I notice the time. “Shit! I’m late for curfew.”  I scramble, looking for my socks, shoes, and jacket.  Heidi is still on the floor, leaning on her pillow and looking at me like I’m crazy.  “What curfew?  You are so lucky that Angie doesn’t question you about your coming and going.” 

“Heidi, just because she isn’t responsible, doesn’t give me a free ticket to not be.”  I skip untying my sneakers and put them on, mashing down the heel in the back.  I scoot my foot forward trying to adjust my foot, but the heel still stays down.

“Wait, I want to give you something,” Heidi says, reaching in her closet. I watch her pull out the Phillies cap that she got at the last game.

“Oh, there’s no way I can take that from you.” I say to her.

“I want you to have it and to wear it and remember all the fun we had.” Her eyes are full of tears.  “I love you so much, Sophie; you’re my best friend.”

“I love you, too, Heidi, we’re not just best friends, we’re sisters.”

I squeeze her tight, both of us knowing what this means. I have filled Heidi in on Angie’s disappearing acts, and how, sometimes she would wake me in the middle of the night to pack up and move.  “I love you, too.Thanks for everything!”  I put my phone in my pocket and jog back to my place.  This was more than unfair, but I could do nothing about it.

I was tired of feeling like I had to live my life in the shadows of my mother’s mistakes.  Between the late nights from the odd jobs she was able to get, and dating the ever-present douche bag, meant I spent a lot of time alone.  Maybe that’s why I have always been the socially awkward kid at school.  Participation in clubs and groups helped me to feel normal.  These became my foundation, my family.  Lord knows I needed stability, and my mother was not going to provide that for me. Heidi is right, if I stick to the plan, in a year I will be free from her, and happily following my dreams.  I will be at Brown University where I will graduate with a dual degree in four years. 

When I get back in the apartment, I apologize to Angie and convince her that everything will be ok. I hate that I spend more time being the parent than being parented. 

“Thank you for that, honey, I promise I will try to make things better for us.  We only have a year left together before you leave for college.” I pretend that she is being genuine, and that she means the words that she says. 

“How long do we have before the move?” 

“We have two weeks left before next month’s rent is due.  I would really like us to be out of here before that, maybe we can get a refund for the last week.”  This is really happening; we have to move. I’ve been through this so many times with Angie; she will wake up at the crack of dawn, ready to leave.

I go to my room and pull my phone out to text Heidi. 

S: Looks like we will be moving sooner than I thought. She found a job in Jonestown; headed there tomorrow to find a place.  She is starting work as soon as we are settled.

H:  Hate that you are leaving. 

S: Will def. keep in touch.

H: Will stop tomorrow to see you before you leave.

S: Leaving super early, like 5.

H: Let me know how it goes.

S: Thx. Love you like a sister

I go out into the living room, grab one of the empty boxes she brought back while I was gone, and pack up my room.  In one hour, we not only had everything boxed, we also did a final cleaning. Packing didn’t take any time at all in a fully furnished apartment. 

We pack up the last few things that Angie didn’t pawn and load them in the back of the SUV.  Two boxes are all I need to pack up everything I own.  I consider myself fortunate that she didn’t pawn my computer or iPad. 

“This is going to be great.” She is so hyper and excited about this change.  “It will give you a chance to develop a new identity; you will have a fresh start there, be whoever you want.”  I roll my eyes at her.  “Well, at least you will be going in as a senior and not a lowly bottom feeder.”  She places her hand on my shoulder and pats it reassuringly.“Go get some sleep.  I promise this will all look better to you in the morning.”  I watch her walk down the hall to her room and shut the door. 

I don’t know about seeing things her way in the morning; what I do know is my life will never be the same.

Chapter Two

“Wake up,” Angie says as she shakes my shoulders.  I open one eye and stare at her. “Good Morning, Sophia, let’s get moving,” she says cheerily.

“This is NOT a good morning,” I grumble and roll over in the bed.  “Oh, no you don’t.”  Angie rips the covers off me and tries to pull my legs to the edge of the bed. “Okay, Okay, I’m getting up! Just stop touching me.”  I put both feet on the cold floor. “Woo Hoo! I’m awake, I’m so excited to be moving yet again and having no clue where we’re going to end up.” I say with enthusiasm.  I decide to dress for comfort and put on a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt.  I put on Heidi’s Phillies cap and pull a choppy ponytail out the back.  It’s dark outside and I look at my phone and see it’s just 2:00 AM.

We start the drive out of town, and I look longingly one last time at my town.  When we get to the corner of Heidi’s street, I am excited, thinking that Angie does have a heart and is going to let me stop by for one last goodbye.  She toots the horn and waves as she drives past, “Bye Heidi.” 

“Maybe in this new town, you can find some real friends.  That girl always thought she was better than we were.  She used to look down her nose at me when she came over.”

“You just hate to see me happy.  She is the only person that cares about me and you’re taking me miles away from her.”

She makes me so mad; I want to hit something hard. Rip it to shreds. Here I am, dying inside and all she can do is be cynical.  I recline back in my seat and look for a song to ease my pain.  I see Matthew’s name and press play.

The words of Matthew Mayfield resonate with me.  I try to fight back the emotion that swells up from my chest and into my throat.

How does he know?  I listen to his words as the tears fall down my face. It’s as if he has a window into my heart.  I know my reality but don’t want to accept that this is my life. I have no home.  I’m a nomad. 

I turn, resting my head on the window and let the tears fall.  I cry for Heidi, Matt, everything I have left behind. Once again, I’m the girl without a mother. Without a family, without a home.

It will be okay, I tell myself. This will be the very last time she lets me down.  I wrap my arms around my chest.  I clench my teeth and swallow hard. Don’t shed another tear, I tell myself as I drift off to sleep.  I wake up thinking hours must have passed by.  The car clock reads 3:15.

I fill the next five hours, or 18, 000 seconds, of the drive with my favorite songs, opening my eyes for the occasional location update and to text Heidi.

H: Hey, how goes the drive?

S: I don’t know what’s worse: sitting in a car all day and night or being alone in a car with Angie.  I’m half-tempted to grab the wheel and run us off the road to end our misery.

H:  NOT FUNNY!  Listen to music and take a nap.  Phillies play tonight; I’ll text with updates.  You wearing the hat?

I snap a pic of myself and text it to Heidi.

I put my music on random and decide to open a game app on my phone and start playing word puzzles to pass the time. 

“Honey, I need a break.”  Angie taps me on my arm to get my attention.  I pull out an ear bud and look at her. 

“Sorry, can’t help with that; I don’t have license.” She refused to sign the form, stating I needed to be more mature. Really? Apparently, she didn’t have a mirror that worked.“Will they at least have public transportation there?”  I ask, still unsure of exactly where there is.

“Maybe we can look into getting your license when we get settled there.”  I know she’s only saying it to ease my pain about the move, but I’m uninterested.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll find a bus or just walk everywhere, like I do now.”We pull into a little diner on the side of the road.  Going in, I look at the sign that read open 24 hours.  “If it’s open 24 hours, I wonder how good the food is.”  I wasn’t trying to be difficult, but overly greasy foods upset my stomach.

  “What would you like?” The server asks, pen ready to write. 

“We will take a coffee, an orange juice and two oatmeal with toast. “  Angie closes her menu and reaches for mine. 

I pull it back and look over it one last time.  “I’d like to have a coffee with two pancakes, fried eggs, and sausage please.” I close my menu and hand it to the server, ignoring Angie’s obvious glares.  If she is going to ruin my life, the least she can do is buy me a decent breakfast. 

“I don’t know why you always have to be so selfish, Sophia,” she starts.  “Do you ever stop to think about how your behavior affects me?”  She huffs and crosses her arms in front of her.  So many times, I want to grab her shoulders and shake her, reminding her that she’s the parent.  She is supposed to take care of me, not the other way around.  Thankfully, our breakfast arrives, so I can ignore her while I eat. I stab the sausage link with my fork, and without thinking, I start to look around the diner.  When I bring my gaze back to our table, Angie is staring straight at me.

“You know, Jonestown has a lovely community college.  You could easily go there instead of going to Brown.  It’s so far away, you know?”  She takes another sip of coffee and looks at me over her mug.

“That’s the whole point in going to Brown, it’s a college far from home, and they have the biology program I want to enter.”I keep my gaze down at my plate and continue to cut pieces of food and shove it in my mouth.I have to stop eating because my appetite is suddenly gone, replaced with an uneasy feeling in the pit of my belly.  I push my plate away from me, Angie takes it, and finishes my eggs and sausage.

“Let’s get back on the road.” Her cheery tone adds to my irritation. 

Back in the car, I start to daydream about the last day of senior year.  I imagine myself getting my diploma, my key to freedom.

~~*~~*~~

“Wake up, we’re here,” I feel her shaking my shoulder, rousing me from my sleep. 

“Where is here?” I ask, as I rub the sleep from my eyes. 

“I found a list of for rental properties and this is the first one.”I look at the small yellow ranch house; it has a huge front yard and small pond in front.  I eagerly undo my seatbelt and get out of the car.  We ring the doorbell, and a middle-aged man dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt greets us.“Hello, I’m Larry.”  He extends a paint-covered hand to us and we shake it. 

“I’m Angie, and this is my daughter Sophia.  Thank you for showing this to us on such short notice.”  Angie looks at him with her big blue eyes and smiles.

  We’re just inside the doorway and it is already the biggest place I had ever seen.  There are hardwood floors everywhere and the ceilings are so high.I find it odd that all the rooms have ceiling fans in them.  We walk into a large bedroom, the size of our apartment living room and dining room put together. 

“This would make a perfect room for your daughter.”  Larry says as he pulls back the curtains and shows us the sliding glass door that leads to a screened in porch with a swing.I feel myself falling in love with the room, but knowing Angie, I don’t let it show.Back inside, he opens a small door to the private bathroom.  It had a small sink, toilet, and a shower with a tub.  I could picture myself taking long hot baths listening to music or reading a book.

We leave the room and make our way through the large kitchen and living room to the other side of the house.  “This is the master suite,” Larry gestures for us to go in.  A small room just inside has a TV mounted to the wall.  There is enough space inside for a couch and table.  To the left of the sitting area is a set of French doors; I move ahead and open them.  In the middle of the room sits a large poster bed, it has to be king size. There are matching nightstands on both sides of the bed, and a large

mirrored dresser is propped up against the side wall.  At the bottom of the bed is a beautifully carved bench. 

“Oh my God, this is absolutely beautiful.” My mom announces as she enters the space.  Her mouth is open in awe. 

“If you like this, wait till you see the bathroom.”  Larry leans against the door frame while we peek inside.  The corner has a large sunken tub and big glass encased shower, large enough for two people.  “What do you think of the house?” Larry asks and shoves his paint-covered hands in his pockets.

“Sophia, would you mind giving us a minute to talk?”  My mom turns to look at me, giving me an excited scream face. 

“Sure, I’ll go wait on the porch.”  I try to get back to the porch as quickly as I can.I slide the door open and sit on the swing.  The wood, and room, is warm from the sun.  I close my eyes and pretend just for a minute that this is my home.I have a place that I can go to get away from everything and be alone with just my thoughts.

My mom did a surprisingly good job finding this place for us to rent.  She worked things out so that we were able to pay for three months’ rent ahead of time.  Larry knew an office that was in need of a secretary so she was able to start working right away.