Leigh Ann's Civil War (21 page)

He looked down the table at me. Right at me. "You did what was in your heart. It isn't your fault. Nobody is blaming you."

It was said matter-of-factly. Not with love or forgiveness by any means. But it was said, nevertheless.

***

After breakfast, Viola and I helped Carol pack. Then she and Teddy spent the rest of the day together. She went along with him while he attended to plantation matters. Viola and I let them be. We sat ourselves down in the kitchen to eat supper so they could be alone at the dining room table, but Teddy came in and stood there looking at us.

"What is this all about?" he asked grimly. "I want you two in the dining room. We're still a family, aren't we?"

He was torn to pieces. And even Viola, who sassed him most of the time, did not know what to do.

At the table Viola scarce spoke, and I did not speak at all. Finally he could take no more.

"Would it be too much to ask you two to say something?"

Viola took the lead. "I'll look after Carol, Teddy. I promise."

Carol put her hand over his on the table. "We'll all be together, Teddy. Family. Like you want."

"And you, chatterbox," he said to me, "you who never learn to keep a still tongue in your head. What have you to say?"

Say something brilliant,
I told myself.
Oh, there is so much I want to say, but I can't say it here and now. And I never did tell him about the silver Louis and I buried.

"I'm going to look after Carol and Viola. Best I can. I promise."

That seemed to mollify him for the moment. We finished supper. He and Carol lingered at the table. He directed Viola and me to go to bed early.

The July light lingered longer than it had a right to. From my window I could see the strange sky, yellow at the edges on top of the trees, then piled high with banks of clouds going in all different directions, as if God were playing with building blocks. When what He was really doing was playing with people's lives.

That was blasphemous. Louis would scold. Louis. Where was he now? Oh, how I wished he were here! He'd have words of wisdom for me, words of peace.

Louis! I never did tell Teddy about the silver we'd buried out back! And early tomorrow we were leaving!

I got out of bed, put on my robe, went into the hall, and looked over the banister. Where was Teddy? Had he gone to bed with Carol? No, not yet, thank heaven. Gaslights were lighted in the downstairs hall.

I crept down and knocked on the closed door of his study, where from under the door there shone some light.

When it opened, he stood there with a scowling and forbidding face. "What do you want?"

Lord in His heaven,
I thought,
will this man never forgive anything? Will he never forgive himself?

For a moment I felt sorry for him even as I wanted to flee, but I stood my ground. This was not for me, and this was not frivolous. This was for a promise to Louis.

"I have to tell you something before I leave tomorrow."

"I told you, it isn't your fault what Mother did about Carol to get back at me. So go to bed."

"It's not about that! You're a crocodile, you know that?"

"Well, I've been called worse." He touched his face where Mother had hit it. He still had a plaster there.

Oh, good. A sense of humor. That was good.

"This is about a secret Louis and I have. He said if things get bad, I should tell you."

He stepped back. "Well, things can't get any worse, so come on in."

And so I told him the secret Louis had left with me. The secret I had promised to keep and tell no one but Teddy, and then only if things got bad. He listened. He nodded his head solemnly. Then, just as solemnly, he told me I'd done well. High praise, considering his attitude toward me over the last six weeks or so. But he did not kiss me as he would in the past, or as he should because I was leaving tomorrow. He did not say he was proud of me. Things I wanted, I needed, more than anything else in the world.

He just sent me to bed.

We woke the next morning at first light. Carol and I and Viola had to be at the town square, ready to leave, at eight. We'd already eaten breakfast at six thirty, a solemn and forced affair, scarce looking at one another.

I'd said my goodbyes to Cannice and Careen. I'd given Careen a letter to mail to James in which I'd told him about my arrest. I dressed in my boys' clothing. Teddy gave each of us last-minute instructions at breakfast but said nothing else to me except "Go upstairs and get your things. There soon will be soldiers outside." His voice broke. "I'll be along to see you all go."

Upstairs I took one last grief-stricken look around my room, at the dressing table with my powders and brushes and combs, ribbons and the bonnets on a peg next to it.
Bonnets and ribbons.
Would I ever wear such trappings of girlhood again? What would happen to me now? How had my life taken such a turn?

Just last year this time I'd be dressing in a riding skirt and hat and going on horseback with Teddy to learn how to use the bow and arrow.

Impulsively, I went over to the chair where my dolls sat and kissed them. Tears were coming down my face as I went downstairs.

The front door was open.

The soldiers were already waiting outside.

Carol and Viola were there, with them.

I stood in the doorway of Teddy's study where he sat at his desk in front of the turreted window.

"I'm going," I said.

He looked at me and saw my large drawstring bag. "What have you got in there?"

I shrugged.

He motioned me over.

I brought it to him. He opened it and rifled through it in an impersonal manner. "No extra brogans? Yours get wet, it's a great way to catch cold. No preparations for your woman's time of month?"

I blushed. With Teddy, his sense of responsibility came before his sensitivity.

"I didn't get it yet," I admitted.

His eyebrows raised. "Oh. Too much of a hooligan, eh?"

"Viola said not to worry. She didn't get hers till she was fifteen."

"Well, you'd better bring something along just in case. And what is
this?"
He pulled out my book by Shelley.

"Shelley's heart wouldn't burn when they cremated him. And Mary Shelley carried it around in a silken shroud for the rest of her life. That's why he's my favorite writer."

His face went expressionless. I knew the look. He was fighting to hide his feelings.

"Go upstairs and get the things I told you to include. And hurry. The soldiers are waiting."

I picked up my bag and did as I was told. Then I dragged my bag downstairs again. "All right now? Can I go?"

"No, you can't. Not yet."

So I stood there in the doorway of his study. What did he want now?

He just sat there, looking at me and I at him across the expanse of his study floor.

"It's been some ride, Leigh Ann," he said.

"I'm sorry I kicked you the other night."

He shrugged. "At least I know you can take care of yourself."

I wanted to run to him, to sit on his lap, to hug him the way I used to. But I dared not.

"Leigh Ann!" Viola called from outside. "We have to leave!"

Suppose I ran to him and he pushed me away? I would die!

Oh, the donkey's hind end to it!
I ran to him. He looked up, surprised. I fell into his lap and he did not push me away. He held me close, embracing me tightly. He rested his chin on top of my head. He kissed me and because he hadn't shaved yet, the side of his face scraped mine.

"You're not mad at me then?" I asked.

"Tell you something. My damned heart wouldn't burn now, either."

"Oh, God, Teddy."

"Remember all I taught you," he said roughly. "And say goodbye to Pa. He's on the verandah. Now go."

He pushed me off his lap.

In the next minute I was gone.

We stood, Carol and Viola and I, on the village square with about a hundred or so other women and children, I in my boys' clothes.

I was Sam Conners, Viola's little brother. I had run errands for my big brother Teddy in the mill.

At least fifty empty supply wagons were lined up on the side of the road ready to take us away. Yankee soldiers from company E of the 7th Pennsylvania stood ready.

We assembled in the morning sun, then waited. In the middle distance, across the street a ways, I saw Teddy watching. I nudged Carol and she smiled and waved.

At first he didn't see us. He was talking with Major McCoy. They were studying some papers. Then I saw them shake hands. They were conspiring over something. McCoy came toward us. Teddy nodded in our direction and I heard McCoy saying,

"Just a moment there, boy. You there, is your name Conners?"

He was talking to me!

"Yessir," I answered.

"What are you doing here with all these women?" His voice was stern. He was acting as if he did not even know me.

"They are my sisters, sir."

He grabbed me roughly by the arm and pulled me along with him to another Confederate soldier a distance away, who was lounging against one of the wagons.

"Sergeant Mulholland!"

The sergeant immediately straightened up and saluted. "Sir!"

"I've got a bummer for you. Name's Conners. What's your first name, boy?"

"Sam, sir," I told McCoy.

"Sam Conners. Brother owned the mill. He can shoot a gun."

"Good. I can use another bummer. Get in the wagon, boy."

"Not just yet," McCoy told him. "He's got two sisters on this trip. I'd like him to ride with them, at least to Marietta. They're under Garrard's so-called special protection."

Mulholland uttered an oath.

McCoy corrected him. "Enough of that! You'll have Sam whenever you need him on stops along the way. And I'll not have him mistreated, either. Got it, Mulholland?"

"Yessir."

McCoy was still gripping my arm. Now he let go. "All right, back to your sisters, boy."

I walked back. He followed me. When I got there, he demanded to look into my bag and I handed it over. Then, discreetly, while pretending to inspect the contents, he slipped in two pieces of paper. Having done so, he pulled the strings to close the bag, set it on the ground, put his hand on my shoulder, and gripped it. Then he winked at me and walked away.

***

Slowly and carefully the wagons moved out of town, even as I could not believe we were finally going. As we passed Teddy standing there watching, Carol was crying, and so was I.

He nodded his head and waved, and we kept our eyes glued to him until he was out of sight.

Then Carol broke down and I held her, weeping, on my shoulder.

We were not the only women in the wagon, to be sure. There were at least ten others, all mill women, all dressed in plain brown calico, all weeping copiously.

"We've got to stick together," one named Muriel Meadows said. "No matter what. It's all we've got."

All agreed.

"Well," another put in, "I heard they're sending us across the river, to Ohio. And they hate us in the North. What will we do?"

"Don't panic," still another put in. "I for one am glad to get away from that damned mill. I hated it. And I hated that damned Teddy Conners. Who in hell did he think he was? That whole family was a bunch of swells. I'm glad the mill burned."

Instantly, there was a chorus of hushes and whispers and some pointed at us.

"Oh," said the woman who hated Teddy. "So some of the family got their comeuppance, eh? Well, I'll say it to your faces. I hated Teddy Conners. So there."

It got silent then. Carol's sobbing had subsided somewhat. Then she whispered to me.

"Leigh Ann, I've got to tell you something."

"What?"

"I'm pregnant."

Would there be no peace, ever, in my world again? The words slammed in my face, gave me a headache. "What?"

"Yes. Can you believe it? After all these years? When we thought we'd never have a child?"

No, I could not believe it. "How far are you?"

"Two months."

"Does Teddy know?"

"No. I couldn't tell him with all the trouble going on. At first I thought I'd wait until things calmed down. But they never did. And then I decided I'd better tell him before he figured it out for himself. And I was just about to when the arrest notice came around for me. And then I couldn't. How could I? He'd never let me go. He'd do, oh..." She clutched the front of my shirt. "He'd do something terrible, Leigh Ann. You know your brother."

I certainly did. Likely he'd shoot Garrard and get himself shot in return.

"Don't worry." I patted her. "It'll be all right We'll take care of you."

"You sound a lot like Teddy."

Viola was sleeping already. So she hadn't heard. With the rocking of the wagon, a lot of the women had fallen asleep.

I figured it was safe enough to open my bag and read the notes McCoy had given me.

The first was directly to me and said:

Dear Child:

God be with you. Remember what I said. When you come through this, and I know you will, write to me and let me know.

Your friend, J. C. McCoy, 112 Canterbury Rd.,

Akron, Ohio.

The second one read:

I, Major J. C. McCoy, General William T. Sherman's aide-de-camp, do hereby direct the recipient of this notice to honor my wishes not to harm the bearer of said notice, or companions, in any way, either by starvation or beatings, and furthermore to aid and assist the same in any way possible.

If I, Major J. C. McCoy, hear anything to the contrary, severe disciplinary action will be taken against the offender.

It was signed with a flourish.

These must have been the papers McCoy and Teddy had been poring over near the town square. McCoy had shown my brother the protection order to ease his mind. And the note to me, asking me to write to him. McCoy had asked Teddy's permission for this first. So, it was more than his just asking for a note to know I was safe. And Teddy had obviously given his permission.