Letters to Matt (11 page)

When I walk back into the living room, Destinee is sitting up next to Mandy on the couch. She’s rubbing her eyes, trying to wake up. Mandy watches her with love in her eyes. She once told me her favorite thing to do was watch Destinee after she’d just woken up.

“Thanks so much, you two,” I tell them as I sit on the couch. “I really appreciate it.”

“We had fun,” Mandy says as Destinee stretches in between us. “We should probably get going. Traffic is going to be crazy.”

Destinee and I both laugh.

“Oh yeah, you know that two a.m. rush,” I joke.

The girls stand up. They both tell me goodbye as they make their way to the door.

“Be careful going home,” I say, following them.

“We will,” Mandy says, pulling me into a hug. “Love you, Jaden.”

“Love you, too. Thanks again.”

I stand at the door and watch them get in the car. Once they are taking off down the road, I shut and lock the door. I flip off the porch light and walk over to turn off the TV. I normally stay up and watch TV for a little bit, but my bed is calling for me and I’m not about to deny it. I fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow.

I wake up with flushed cheeks, heavy breathing, and a warm sweat covering my whole body. It takes me a minute to focus on where I am after being pulled from my dream. I’m not in a rose petal covered bed. I’m not surrounded by soft music. And I didn’t just have hot sex. But that’s what I had dreamt. My entire body is buzzing from arousal. It’s so much I can barely stand it. My sex aches from need.

I reach down my body. I’m slick from my too realistic dream. It takes mere minutes for me to find my release. When it comes, I clutch the sheets on my bed and whimper in satisfaction. I lay there for a few minutes, gathering myself and letting the feeling return to my jellified legs. I’m panting like I just ran a mile.

Finally, after I’m composed, I stand up and make my way to the dresser. I grab fresh panties and shorts before heading to the bathroom to clean up.

When I get back to my room, I’m too wound up to sleep. But I suddenly know what my letter is going to be. I grab the notebook and pen off the bedside table. I flip on the lamp to give me some light. My hand flies across the page. I barely think about the words I’m writing down as my thoughts spill onto the page. I barely register the tinge in my hand until I stop. Setting the pen on the table, I reread what I wrote.

I miss sex. I miss it so much. For a while, it felt like that part of me was turned off forever. I couldn’t imagine that I would ever want to do that again. I was sure that my arousal lived entirely in you, and you had taken it when you passed. But that is so not the case if the dream I just had is any indication.

I have to admit I’d missed the feeling. I haven’t actively missed it, but now that it’s returned to me, I ache with longing. I’m at a dilemma, though, because I want sex with YOU and obviously that can’t happen. I miss your touch. I miss the feel of your lips on me. I miss the way you loved me with your entire body. I miss being underneath you. There was nowhere I felt safer than with your body on top of me, loving me.

I miss how sometimes just the smell of your aftershave drove me wild. I miss how your fingertips brushing lightly over my skin could send shivers through my whole body.

I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do with this awakening, but I do know that it makes me yearn for you even more than before. This is just one more thing I’m going to have to learn to live with, and it sucks.

I guess that’s all I wanted to say.

Love,              

              Jaden

I let out a sigh. I really need to learn how to focus my thoughts a little better, but it’s not like he’s going to read it. These letters are for me, so the important part is that I get my thoughts out. Fresh memories race to my mind.

I heard the snide remarks Evelyn Smith was making to some poor freshman. I didn’t know the girl’s name, but I knew it pissed me off that Evelyn was a junior who thought it was cool to pick on underclassman. She was teasing the girl mercilessly about how badly she played basketball. I turned to see Evelyn leaning against the girl’s locker. She was tall and domineering against the small, quiet brunette. The girl just stood there taking the verbal lashing, tears forming in her eyes.

“Hey,” I said, slamming my locker and getting the attention of the group. Evelyn’s friends were standing behind her, laughing as she tore into the girl. “Why don’t you leave her alone?” I suggested, walking over to them.

Evelyn scoffed at me. “Maybe if she learned how to actually make a shot,” Evelyn sneered.

The freshman took a step back as I placed myself in between her and the girl I had despised since middle school.

“So she missed a couple shots, big deal. It’s just gym class, not the WNBA.”

“She made us lose.” Evelyn Smith hated losing. She always had to prove that she was better than everyone else.

“There were five people on your team and you’re seriously going to place the blame on one girl?”

Evelyn narrowed her eyes at me. “Why don’t you mind your own business?”

“Why don’t you stop being such a bitch?” I retorted.

“Go suck a dick.”

“I would, but that’s clearly your level of expertise.”

Evelyn gave a humorless laugh. “Oh, that’s right. You’re too prude. Everyone knows you’re holding out on Matt.” I hate to admit how much that actually stung. Matt and I had been together for almost two years and we still hadn’t had sex. It was an insecurity of mine. Matt never pressed the issue, and I knew he loved me, but there was only so long a guy could wait before they started to get antsy. Evelyn flashed me a grin. We had fooled around a little, but our pants always stayed on, because I was too nervous to go further. “If Matt ever gets bored of waiting around for you, send him my way. I know how to make a guy happy.”

Anger boiled up inside of me. “Yeah, I bet you do, you stupid slut.” I balled up my fist. I was distinctly aware of a locker slamming before I felt a hand on my arm. I glanced over to see Rachel Winchester beside me.

“Don’t,” she told me. “She’s not worth it.” She glared at Evelyn and her crew. “Why don’t you get out of here before I get Coach?”

“Gladly. I’m tired of looking at Little Miss Innocent, anyway,” Evelyn said snidely.

“Oh, go fuck yourself, Evelyn,” Rachel told her.

Evelyn took a step toward us, so that she was almost touching noses with Rachel. One of her friends walked up and grabbed her arm.

“C’mon, Ev; let’s go. These bitches are just going to get you in trouble.”

She shot us one more glare before allowing herself to be led away.

I didn’t realize how heavily I had been breathing. Tears threatened to fall as they pricked the back of my eyes. Evelyn was pure evil. She knew just what buttons to press in people to piss them off. It was a gift, really.

“You good?” Rachel asked.

“Yeah. Thank you.”

She merely nodded at me before walking around. I heard a small “thank you” behind me and turned to see the freshman still standing there. I had forgotten she was the reason I was arguing with Evelyn in the first place.

“No problem,” I told her. “You need to learn to stick up for yourself,” I spat a little harsher than intended.

The girl shrank back a little. I let out a sigh. Great, now I was the one being a bitch.

“I’m sorry. That was mean,” I apologized. “But seriously, there won’t always be someone there to save you. Just tell her to go fuck herself next time.”

The girl smiled, despite herself, and smiled again. “Thank you again.”

I gave a nod and walked away to leave the locker room. A voice stopped me as I passed the bathrooms.

“—and she’s so fucking ugly. I really don’t know what Matt sees in her. But that’s okay, because soon enough he’ll realize what a loser she is. He’ll get tired of waiting for her to put out and then he’ll come crawling to me.” It was Evelyn speaking. We had never gotten along to begin with, but ever since Matt turned her down and gone out with me, she’d had it out for me. Even in two years, she had never stopped her advances. Matt always turned her down, but she never stopped trying. She was ruthless.

I’d be damned if she ever got a chance with him. I stood up straighter, determination and anger driving me to find Matt. Luckily, it wasn’t hard. He always waited outside of the locker room for me so he could walk me to my next class. He was standing talking to Mitch. I didn’t catch any of their conversation and I didn’t much care. I had more important things to worry about.

I marched over until I was right in front of Matt.

“I want to have sex,” I said forcefully.

Matt sputtered slightly. “You…wait? What?”

I heard Mitch laugh beside me. “I’ll see you around, man. You obviously have some important matters to attend to.”

Matt looked over to his best friend. “All right, see you around.” After Mitch walked off, he looked back at me. “Okay, what is this about? Are you okay?”

“I want to have sex.” The words came out a little softer this time, but there was still conviction in my voice.

He raised his eyebrows at me. “Right now?”

“No. This weekend. My parents are going on a date Friday night. You can come over to my house.”

He nodded slowly. “Okay...Can I ask what brought this on?”

“Nothing. It’s just about time we did it, don’t you think?”

His confusion was waning as his excitement took over. He was a guy after all. “Okay. Well, Friday it is.”

I gave a quick nod. “Friday.”

He pulled me to him, kissing me briefly on the lips. “I love you.”

I smiled. “I love you, too.” He grabbed my hand and we took off to my next class.

Later that day, I saw Evelyn and threw her the nastiest, most triumphant smile I could muster.

Friday was finally here and I had been a nervous wreck all day. I wrung my hands as I watched Dad clasp a necklace onto Mom. She had been watching me all night. She asked a least five times if I was okay as she watched me push around the mac-n-cheese with hamburger that she had made me for dinner. I kept forcing a smile and telling her I was fine.

Mom studied me with worry as I sat on the couch, hands in my lap. She walked over and placed her hand to my head.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked. “You look a little pale. I can have Mrs. Heath come over and check on you while we’re gone tonight.” She reached for her phone. “In fact, I think I’ll give her a call.”

“No!” I said suddenly. Mom’s eyebrows shot up at my outburst. “I mean, that’s not necessary. I swear, I’m fine. I’m just…we had a big test in Math today and it was worth, like, a quarter of our grade. I’m not doing so well in the class, so I’m really nervous about how I did. I would hate to be held back because I couldn’t pass one class.”

Mom looked at me with sympathy. “Well, as long as you did your best, I’m sure it was fine. And they won’t hold you back. You’ll just have to take the class again.” She laughed. She was trying to help make me feel better and I loved her for it.

I nodded. “Thanks, Mom.”

She studied me for a moment. “If you need anything, call us.”

“I’ll be fine, really. I just need to get my mind off it.”

“Okay.” She leaned down and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Love you.”

“Love you,” I replied. “Have fun.”

She walked over to my dad. Dad told me he loved me as they walked out the door. I jumped up and ran to the kitchen. I could see the driveway from the window. I watched as they pulled out onto the road and took off. I grabbed my phone and texted a message to Matt that they were leaving. I told him to give it a few minutes to make sure they didn’t come back to grab something they’d forgotten.

I grabbed a glass of water just to give myself something to do. I was a nervous wreck. The only thing calming me down was, ironically, the thought of Matt. He’d been so sweet all week. He gave me extra kisses in the hallway. Every morning he’d brought me a single red rose.

After sending the message, I ran upstairs to change. Mandy had spent two hours with me helping me pick out the best outfit. I know she was getting frustrated as I kept trying different things on and couldn’t make up my mind. She’d watched me parade around my room half naked while I cried that I had nothing sexy enough. I had even tried on three different bras and made her tell me which one she thought looked best. She tried to reason with me that it didn’t matter what I wore since it was going to end up on the floor minutes after Matt got there. Regardless, I wanted to look good for him. Finally, after hours of agony for the both of us, I picked out my only jean skirt I owned and a black, button-up blouse.

I slid on the skirt and then put the shirt on. I left an extra button undone so it showed off a fair amount of cleavage. Then I put on light make up and made sure my hair still looked okay from straightening it this morning. I lit some candles and threw petals from the roses I’d gotten on the floor and bed. I turned on some soft music. I knew guys didn’t care about music and candles, but this was my first time, too, and I wanted it to be perfect.

I took one last glance around the room and headed downstairs. Matt would be there any minute. He’d texted me a few minutes before to say he was leaving his house. I had barely made it to the bottom of the steps before I heard him knocking on the door.

I felt jittery as I crossed the room and opened the door. My heart caught in my throat when I took in Matt. He, too, had changed his clothes from today. He was wearing his best jeans and a snug, white t-shirt. I don’t know if it was the anticipation or the fact that it was so low key, but that outfit was doing some serious damage to my insides. I could barely breathe as I took him in. He gave me his biggest smile as he pulled his hand from behind his back. He presented a beautiful bouquet of flowers to me. I took in all the bright colors with a smile.

“For you,” he said.

I took them from him. “Thank you. And hello.”

“Hi.” He shifted from one foot to another. I could tell he was as nervous as I was. I also realized I’d forgotten to invite him in.

“Oh. I’m sorry. Come in.” I stepped back and closed the door behind him.

He placed his hand on my waist and kissed me gently on the forehead. When he pulled away, I noticed a plastic bag in his free hand by his side.

“What’s in the bag?”

He blushed slightly. “Condoms, lube, and chocolate.”

I couldn’t stop the smile that formed on my face. “Chocolate?”

His face reddened even more. “For after…I thought it would be…”

He didn’t finish his sentence, so I spoke instead. “Celebratory chocolate. I like it.”

He grinned, proud of himself. I remembered that I had candles burning in my unattended room.

“Let me grab a vase with some water and we can head upstairs. I’ll keep these in my room so Mom and Dad don’t ask questions.”

Matt followed me into the kitchen. “Did you tell them I was coming over tonight?”

I shook my head. “Did you tell your parents where you were going?” I asked as I grabbed a vase under the sink and placed it under the faucet.

“They know I’m over here, but I left out the part about us being alone.”

I nodded, suddenly thankful that neither of us had helicopter parents that had to know our every move and check up on us constantly. I took the plastic off the flowers and placed them in the vase. I pressed my face to them, breathing in their scent. I suddenly felt Matt pressed right up against my back. He placed a kiss on my neck.

“You look amazing,” he whispered.

My face flushed as I felt his gaze on my open shirt. There was a squirm in my belly and I let out an involuntary sigh. I reached behind me and grabbed his hand.

“Let’s head upstairs.”

I wordlessly led him upstairs, one hand in his and the other carrying the vase. As we stopped outside my door, I suddenly felt very self-conscious at the effort I’d gone through to make this incredibly cliché. I did my best to shake the feeling while reaching for the knob. I stepped inside the room and felt him behind me. I turned so I could study his face, trying to gauge his reaction as he took in the room.

“Do you hate it?” I asked, fighting the urge to cringe.

He smiled and looked at me. “I love it. It’s perfect.”

I narrowed my eyes, studying his for any sings of dishonesty. I only found genuine appreciation. I grinned, proud of myself as I set the flowers on my bedside table. I turned and suddenly Matt was right in front of me. I didn’t realize he had followed me the few steps. He reached his arm forward and dropped the bag on my bed. The nerves I’d felt all night returned with a fury.

“So, um, do we just get right to it?”

Matt chuckled. “I think we should start out with kissing, maybe.”

I nodded, feeling foolish. “Kissing is good.”

Matt moved first. He cupped my face in his hand and moved his lips to mine. I physically felt myself calm down. This was familiar. Matt and I had two years of practice when it came to kissing and we were quite good at it. His lips on mine and his one hand cradling my face with the other resting on my lower back relaxed me. I got into the kiss and wrapped my arms around his neck.

He pulled away a few minutes later.

“Are we going to stand here all night?”

I glanced up into his eyes and then looked at the bed. “I guess we can get on the bed.”

He nodded and grabbed my hand, pulling me until I was sitting on the bed. We started kissing again. This time it was hungrier and more rushed. I felt his need and excitement in the kiss. I was completely lost in him. Without overthinking it, I shifted and climbed onto his lap so I was straddling him. Matt pulled away and started kissing my neck. He moved one hand and placed it on my butt while he dragged his fingertips up and down my arm with the other.

I was getting more aroused with every touch.

“God, you’re so beautiful, Jaden. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Matt.” The sound came out shakily. He found the sweet spot on my neck and sucked gently.

I gasped and gripped his shirt tightly. He smiled against my neck, proud of himself. His hand moved from my arm and started tracing the swell of my breast. He continued to suckle on my neck as he undid the next button on my shirt. He pulled away from my neck and looked me in the eye.

“Is this okay?”

I swallowed past the lump in my throat and nodded. It took me a second to find my voice. “D-do you think we should undress each other or…”

He got a wistful look in his eyes. “Jaden, please, please do not deny me the pleasure of stripping your clothes off and watching as you unbutton and unzip my pants.”

He sounded so sincere and hopeful that I had to giggle. “I could never break your heart like that.”

He grinned and pressed his lips to mine. “Thank you.”

He pulled away and continued unbuttoning my shirt. His gaze never left mine. I felt heat spread across my body and fought to not squirm under his stare. His hand shook slightly and it relieved me to know I wasn’t the only one who was nervous. This was the most nerve-wracking, most exhilarating thing I had ever done in my life. Once he was done with the shirt, he pushed it off my body. He waited until it was a heap on the floor before tearing his eyes away from mine.

He drew in a sharp breath as he took in my plump breasts in their light blue, lace bra.

“Gorgeous,” he muttered breathlessly.

He leaned forward and placed light kisses on my shoulder, moving down slowly until he kissed the swell of my breast. I moaned slightly at the touch. I placed my hands under his shirt and ran them up his stomach and chest. He pulled back so I could lift the shirt over his head. It soon joined his on the floor. He patted my bottom.

“Stand up,” he commanded. It was a small thing, but I was so glad I had Matt here to take the lead.

I climbed off him and stood in front of the bed. His hands rested on my hips, his finger sliding beneath the material of my skirt.

“Can I?”

I couldn’t form or even think of words, so I nodded.

He gently pushed the material down past my hips. Once the skirt was past my thighs, he let it go and it fell to my feet. I stepped backward out of it and grabbed his hand, pulling him to stand in front of me. I swallowed the lump in my throat as my hands went to his pants. I glanced up to see him watching my hands. I smiled in satisfaction. I felt him draw in a breath as I fought to undo the button and zipper with shaking hands. He placed his hand on mine.

“It’s just me, Jaden,” he whispered in my ear, trying to reassure me.

I nodded and finally got everything undone. His hands joined mine in sliding them down off his body. I felt my heart racing at the realization that there was very little material covering either of us. Matt stepped free of his jeans, shoes, and socks. A laugh left my throat when I realized he still had his shoes on. Matt just smiled at me. I can only imagine he felt a little ridiculous trying to get free of everything without tripping. Once he was only his boxers, he pulled me to him and cupped his hand under my butt.

Our nearly naked bodies were pressed against each other.

“Do you see what you do to me?” he asked quietly.

I certainly felt it. He was hardening and it was pressed right into my belly. I nodded and fought back a giggle. He leaned down and pressed his mouth to mine. I tried to get lost in the kiss, but I couldn’t. A million thoughts were rushing through my mind and I was more on edge than before.

Sensing my hesitation, he pulled back. He studied my face.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” he asked. “We can stop at any time.”

I felt my heart swell with love for this boy. I wanted to do this. Really, I did.

“I do. I’m just really nervous.”

Matt nodded. “Can I ask why, though? I mean, your little announcement in the hall just came out of nowhere.”

I still hadn’t told him about what Evelyn had said. I let out a sigh and decided I should come clean. “Evelyn Smith was being a bitch about us not having sex. She was making comments and it just pissed me off.”