Letters to Matt (12 page)

I felt silly standing in my room in my bra and underwear with Matt in his boxers, talking about what a bitch Evelyn Smith was. Matt frowned.

“Babe, you don’t have to do this to prove a point.”

“I know,” I said softly.

He placed his hand under my chin so I would look into his eyes. “I mean it. If you aren’t ready to do this, it’s fine. This is something special and you shouldn’t do it just because you feel like it’s expected. I don’t expect it at all. I don’t mind waiting.”

I felt love build up inside of me. The truth was, I wanted this. Yes, I had gotten my feelings hurt by Evelyn Smith, but I wasn’t doing this for her. I was doing it for us. I knew that in my heart. I was just kind of freaking out about it, is all.

“I want to,” I told him. “I’m not doing this for anyone but us. I’m doing it because you deserve it, and I’m doing it because I want to be with you every way possible.”

He hesitated slightly. I could tell he was considering stopping it after I’d told him about the locker room incident. “Are you sure?”

I smiled. “Absolutely.”

“It might just kill me to put my clothes back on and walk out that door, but I will do it for you.” I knew he was trying to cheer me up. It worked.

I laughed. “Don’t you dare,” I threatened. “I want this. I’m just nervous.”

Matt nodded his head and pulled me back to him. His lips pressed to mine tentatively, but I kissed him back hungrily and passionately. My hands dug into his scalp. It didn’t take him long to respond. He wrapped his arms around me and turned me, pushing me back to the bed.

During the next ten minutes, he kissed all over my body. He removed my bra and pulled my nipple into his mouth. I dug my fingers into his back and moaned his name. He kissed all the way down my stomach and reached my panties. He glanced up, silently asking for permission. I nodded my head at him. He slid the underwear down my legs and stared down at my naked body.

I saw the love and admiration in his eyes. Under his gaze, I felt like the most beautiful person on the planet. My nerves had almost completely disappeared. He spread my legs apart and pushed a finger inside of me. Then, he added another. There was slight pressure, but nothing I couldn’t handle. The pad of his thumb found the little bundle of nerves and I nearly came undone.

He started to very slowly pump his fingers in and out of me and found a rhythm with his thumb on my clit. I threw my head back and let out a moan. My eyes dropped close.

I heard his light chuckle. “I was just about to ask if that felt okay, but I guess I got my answer.”

I had half a mind to glare at him, but I couldn’t put forth the effort. My entire body was on fire and all I could do was melt into the bed. He continued his movements.

I’d never had an orgasm. Not even by myself. I didn’t think it was dirty or shameful or anything like that; I had just simply never felt the need. I felt the pleasure building and just knew that I was getting close.

“Don’t. Stop,” I panted, begged.

I heard the smile in his voice. “I wouldn’t dream of it.” He kept his hand where it was, but shifted his body so he was lying down. His lips and tongue gently caressed the soft flesh of my inner thigh. That was my undoing. One hand gripped the sheets while the other pulled at his hair. I moaned his name and he held tightly onto me until the last bit of pleasure was drained from my body.

I released my hold and started to giggle. That was the single greatest thing I had ever experienced in my life. If I’d have known it felt like that, I probably would have jumped his bones two years ago. I slowly came back down to earth. My reaction rushed through my mind and I felt my face flush.

Matt wiped his fingers on my sheet and crawled up my body. He peppered my face with light kisses while stroking my hair.

“Please don’t be embarrassed, Jaden. That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

I bit my bottom lip, trying to push away my embarrassment. “I didn’t pull your hair too hard, did I?”

He shook his head. “Absolutely not. It was perfect.”

I felt him pressing into my stomach as he put a little bit of pressure on my body. I reached over and grabbed the bag, taking out the lube and condoms. Matt laid down on the bed beside me. I reached for his boxers and he lifted his hips to help me. I grabbed out a condom and opened it with my teeth.

I pulled the rubber out and looked at Matt.

“Do you want to do it?”

He shook his head. “I want to watch you do it.”

I nodded and bit my lip. I was kind of hoping he would take over this part. I don’t know where Matt had learned to do that thing with his hand, but I wasn’t nearly as skilled. I hadn’t had any experience with penises. And Matt’s was at full attention, looking at me expectantly. I reached over, gripping it in my hand. Matt noticed my reluctance.

“Don’t worry about being too rough,” he said. “He can take a little manhandling.” Matt grinned. “Well, a lot of manhandling, actually.”

I simultaneously blushed at the thought of Matt playing with himself, and felt pride at the thought that he might have been thinking of me while doing it. I dumbly sat there with it in my hand for a few moments. It felt…odd. I couldn’t quite wrap my whole hand around it, and it pulsed a couple times. I set the condom on the tip and started rolling it down.

“This is a lot more awkward than a banana,” I said, remembering when we’d had to practice using condoms in health class. I didn’t realize I’d said the words aloud until Matt laughed. I felt my face flush. “Sorry,” I mumbled.

“Don’t be sorry.” Matt reached up and pushed my hair behind my ear.

Once the condom was on, he instructed me to lie down. He knelt in front of me and grabbed the lube.

He glanced up at me. “How much do you think I should use?”

I shrugged. “I have no idea. Probably just a little.”

He squirted some onto his hand. “That much?”

“Maybe a little more.”  He squirted a little more. “That should work.”

I watched as he started to rub it onto himself. He made an odd face. “This might be a little too much.” He laughed. He looked around for something to wipe his hand on.

“There’re still some tissues in the top drawer from when I had a cold last week,” I told him.

He nodded and found them, wiping his hands of the excess lube. He laid on top of me, using one hand by my head to brace himself and keep his weight off me. The other hand he placed at the base of his penis to help guide it into me. I could feel the head of him just outside my opening.

“You ready?”

I nodded my head. He moved slowly. It felt okay at first, but as he continued to push in, I felt pressure and a little bit of pain. I grimaced slightly, and he stopped.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded.

“Do you want me to stop?” I could tell he was nervous about hurting me.

“No. Keep going. Just…be careful.”

He pushed in a little more. His moves were slow and unsure as he worried about my pain. It just made me love him even more.

“It’s almost all the way in.”

I nodded to encourage him. He pushed in the rest of the way and I let out a small whimper.

“Just…stay there for a second,” I requested. I waited for the pain to subside and nodded. “Okay. Go on.” He pulled out and went back in again, slowly. After doing this a couple more times, it didn’t hurt anymore and I was able to enjoy it. The feel of him inside of me was amazing.

“Okay,” I said. “We’re good.”

“You sure?”

“Yup. Go to town.” I laughed.

Our moves were awkward as he tried to find a rhythm. I lifted my hips to meet him.

“I don’t know how long I can last,” he warned. “You feel too good. So amazing.”

“It’s okay,” I told him.

He leaned down and started kissing me as our hips moved together. I couldn’t think of anything but Matt’s lips on mine and him inside of me. It felt…right.

A few minutes later, he pulled away from me.

“I’m going to come. Are you close?”

I shook my head. “No, but it’s okay.”

His brow creased. “Are you sure?”

“Matt, you already gave me one mind blowing orgasm. It’d be a little greedy to ask for two, don’t you think?”

He laughed. “I’m going to go a little faster, okay?”

I nodded my head. He grabbed my leg and wrapped it around his waist. I relished at his grunts as he came inside of me. He called my name and gripped the pillow under my head. After, he rolled off me and fell on his back onto the bed, completely spent. His breathing was erratic as he came down from it. I rolled over and rested against his chest.

“Thanks,” he told me.

I laughed, finding it an odd response. But this was new to both of us, so I replied to humor so as not to make him feel uncomfortable.  “Hey, you did all the work.”

He chuckled and kissed my forehead. “You’re so amazing.” He pushed my hair back a little. “I need to get cleaned up.”

I sat up, letting him do the same. “There’s a towel on the desk chair. I figured we would probably need it.”

He stood and grabbed the towel. I watched as he peeled the condom off and dropped it into the trash can. I made a mental note to make sure I changed that before Mom came into my room. He wiped himself off then came over to me. I reached for the towel.

“Let me,” he insisted.

I felt silly lying down and spreading my legs for him, but as he cleaned me up, I realized I was grateful for the love and care he showed me. When he was done, I stood from the bed and started getting dressed while Matt did the same. I glanced at the clock and startled slightly. We had only been up here for like thirty minutes. It’d felt like an eternity.

“Do you want to go watch a movie? We still have a while before my mom and dad will be home. They were going to a concert in the city and won’t be back until after ten.” It was only seven-thirty.

“Sure,” Matt said. He started blowing out the candles while I reached in the bag.

“Mmm chocolate,” I said as I grabbed out the
Hershey
bar. Matt knew it was my favorite candy. Matt laughed beside me and grabbed my hand. We started walking from the room.

“How are you feeling?”

“Okay. But I’m sure I’ll be a little sore tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“It was worth it,” I assured him with a grin.

We cuddled up on the couch and popped in a movie. Matt left half an hour before my parents got home. He peppered me with kisses and promised he would call me the next day. I went up to my room and hid all the evidence of what Matt and I had done. I tossed the sheets in the corner to wash the next day. When I laid down on my bed, I could still smell him on my pillow.

I was reading when Mom came in to tell me they were home and say goodnight. A little while later, I drifted off to sleep. My lips curled into a smile as I thought of Matt and the love we had shared that night. I had heard horror stories about first times, but I could honestly say mine had been perfect. Matt had made sure of that.

It just made me love him that much more.

A couple of days have passed since that last letter. The memories and the dream have been swimming in my head constantly. I know it would be easy enough to find some relief if I wanted to, but I had never been that girl. Not that I’d had much of a chance. I know in my heart, that even if I hadn’t been with Matt, I wouldn’t have slept around in high school. I have never had to live with this. I always had Matt around when I was feeling frisky. This being horny without being able to do much about it is new to me. I don’t like it one bit.

Mandy follows me to my bedroom with Sophie perched on her hip, as she prattles on. She is watching Sophie for me while I go to work.

“I just don’t know what to get Destinee. Her birthday is in less than a month and I’m at a complete loss. I mean, she already has me. Her life is damn near perfect.” She made it into a joke, but I know my friend is really upset about it. She sits on the bed as I start to rifle through my closet.

“Well, has she dropped any hints?”

“No. I even asked her to give me some ideas or make a list, but she refuses. She says she doesn’t need anything.”

“Have you tried asking her mom?”

“Carla doesn’t know either. She bought her a couple of books and an
Amazon
gift card.”

I eye a shirt, wondering if I should wear that tonight. “Then do that. Get her a gift card; let her pick something out.”

Mandy lets out a groan. “I am not going to be that girlfriend that buys a gift card because she has no idea what else to get.”

“Then maybe don’t get her anything? Take her out to dinner; have a nice evening.” I’m vaguely aware of paper rustling as I grab the shirt off the hanger. When Mandy doesn’t respond, I turn toward her.

Heat flushes my cheeks as I notice her reading the letter I’d left on my bedside table. Mandy was always nosey. I lost count of the amount of times she’d grabbed my phone and went through the messages, just because. I don’t mind. I have nothing to hide from my best friend.

I almost laugh as Mandy fights to keep the letter out of the reach of grabby hands.

“Damn, Jaden,” Mandy breathes as she finishes reading. “I was kind of wondering if you were going to ever stop acting like a nun.”

I give a dry laugh. “Gee, thanks, Mandy.” I hold up the shirt. “Does this look okay?”

She eyes it for a moment. “Try it on. And don’t change the subject. When did you write this?”

I shrug out of my shirt. “A couple days ago,” I answer as I pull the other shirt over my head. “I honestly haven’t thought much about sex since Matt passed. I mean, I had memories, but there wasn’t desire. Now I feel like my entire body is on fire and I don’t know how to put it out.” I hold my arms out to present the shirt. Tada.

“Wear that,” Mandy says. “And what are you planning on doing with these newfound feelings?”

“I have no fucking clue.” I sigh as I drop onto the bed next to her. “I don’t want to just have meaningless sex.”

“What about dating?” she asks.

I raise my eyebrows at her. “I guess I didn’t really consider that. I mean, I feel like I would be betraying Matt.”

Her eyes soften. “Matt’s gone, hon. You can’t be expected to stay single and celibate the rest of your life. You’re so young. It’d be different if you were an old lady and you had been married to Matt for a hundred years.”

“I kind of feel like I was married to Matt for a hundred years. He was my first love, my first kiss, my first time…my first everything. I feel like he was my only.”

She puts her hand on my leg. “It’s not cheating on him,” she reassures me even though I haven’t spoken my thoughts aloud. Mandy always knew what I was thinking. “No one says you have to elope over the weekend. But it wouldn’t hurt for you to go on a couple of dates.”

I drop my head and say the other thing on my mind. “I’m kind of terrified. The thought that I may have to sleep with someone else makes my stomach turn. Matt and I fell into each other easily. Learning what the other liked and didn’t like was effortless. That’s what I’m used to, sex with Matt. And I know sex with anyone else won’t be like that. I don’t know if I can redo it all over again. And if I have to do it with multiple people because it doesn’t work out, well…” I physically shudder at the thought. “And how would I even begin to find someone? How do normal people date? I spend all of my time with Sophie or at work. The thought of dating the drunks that come in and hit on me doesn’t exactly sound appealing.”

“Well,” Mandy says, “I can help you with that last part. I have someone in mind. And the rest you’ll figure out along the way.”

I look over and raise my eyebrows at Mandy. “You want to set me up?”

“I know a guy at work,” she answers. “He’s really nice. He’s cute and funny. I think you would like him. Plus, he just got out of a relationship, so I don’t think he’s looking to jump into anything. You guys can take it slow, test the waters.”

I’m still apprehensive, but curiosity is taking over. “What’s his name?”

Mandy smiles triumphantly. “Cole. He’s a really good guy.”

“Yeah, you said that.” The truth is, I’m considering it, but I’m scared witless. The guilt alone might eat me alive.

“So, can I give him a call? I will do everything. I’ll set up the date and tell you both when to be there.”

I let out a sigh. There’s a mental war going on inside of my head. One side is intrigued at the thought of dating, having sex and intimacy again. The other side is appalled at myself for even thinking I could try to replace Matt.

“C’mon, Jade, one date. If you don’t like him, you don’t ever have to see him again.” I can hear the hope in her voice. Mandy just wants me to be happy.

I cave. “Fine. One date.”

“Yes!” Mandy shouts, pumping her fist in the air and scaring Sophie, who had been playing with the collar of Mandy’s shirt.

I feel panic overtake me and already start thinking of excuses I can use to get out of this set up. I glance at the clock on my phone. “I have to get going. I’m going to be late for work.”

Mandy follows me out into the living room. We say the routine goodbyes and love yous.

“One date,” she calls to me as I walk out the door.

“One date,” I repeat.

I’m jittery the entire time I drive to work. By the time I’m walking through the heavy wooden door, I have calmed down a little bit. I see Susie talking to Marty as he grabs a beer for a customer. It’s Thursday night so both of us are here tonight. We both work Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Then I have Sundays and Mondays off, and she has Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

I love Susie. She’s a few years older than me. She’s been working at the bar for almost four years, whereas I just started six months ago. She took me under her wing, showed me the ropes. Susie is gorgeous. She has naturally curly, dark hair that cascades down her back. She wears her make up heavy and dark, the thick eyeliner and mascara making her chocolate brown eyes smokey and sexy. She also smells of coconuts. She’s a little taller than I am with thicker, fuller curves.

Her smile widens as she spots me walking in the door. She pulls me to her in a tight hug as I walk behind the bar. Susie is very touchy feely.

“Hey, how’s Carlos feeling?”

“
Bueno,
” she replies. Her husband, Lerenzo, is Cuban so they almost exclusively speak Spanish in her house. It spills over into work sometimes. “He’s doing much better, thank you. I think he just had some sort of bug. Poor little guy was miserable. Today and yesterday he was running around the house like a
Niño loco.
”

“Well, I’m glad to hear it.”

“Me too,” she says. “I hate when my mijo is sick.”

“I know the feeling,” I tell her as I grab an apron. “When Sophie is sick, I feel so helpless.” 

Susie nods, but is being summoned by a customer before she can actually say anything else.

“We had a vendor come in today,” Marty says. “I didn’t have time to put it all up. Would you girls mind?”

“Nope,” Susie tells him as she mixes a drink. “We’ll make sure it gets put away. Go home, Jefe.” It means “boss” and that’s what Susie always calls Marty. I don’t think I have ever heard her call him by name since I’ve been here.

Marty laughs. “Well, I’ll leave you to it. Call me if there are any problems.” He finishes wiping down the bar and clocks out before going home.

The bar is already pretty full. It is going to be a crazy night, I can tell. I’m not disappointed. The bar is crawling by eight o’clock. Sandy is so busy he barely has time to sit and read anything. He mans the grills like a pro, though. Susie and I work wonderfully together. We are one hell of a team. Everything is going smoothly despite the madness.

I spot a guy walk in the door. He’s tall with glasses and light hair. His eyes scan the bar and I think he stares at me for a few moments, but I can’t be sure because I have someone calling for my attention. I walk over and get an order for five shots of
Jack Daniel’s
. I set the shot glasses down in front of the guy and start filling them as I notice Glasses sitting at the bar.

Susie walks over and asks if she can get him anything. His eyes flit to mine before looking at her. I don’t hear what he says over the commotion of the bar, but Susie walks over and grabs him a beer. I don’t watch him pay for the drink or give her a tip as I ring up the shots on the register

“Who’s the guy?” she asks as she joins me by the register.

“The dude with the glasses?” I verify. She nods. “I have no clue.”

“Well, he’s staring pretty hard at you. Maybe he thinks you’re cute.”

I snort to myself as I pull change out of the register.

“Get ya some,” she cheers, bumping her hip into mine before I walk off.

I laugh, despite myself, and shake my head. A half hour passes and I would have completely forgotten about Glasses, but I keep feeling his gaze on me. Surprisingly, it doesn’t weird me out. I get the feeling that he’s just shy. I feel flattered.

I can’t say the same when a rugged, obviously drunk, frat looking boy approaches the bar.

I finish pouring a glass of whiskey for a regular. We don’t usually know their names and they often end up with nicknames. This one Susie dubbed Lady Death. And she fits the name well. She has a pale, sunken face but her long, razor-straight hair is jet black. She comes in at least once a week and is pretty nice, but quiet. I’ve never seen her talking to anyone else. She just nurses her glass before going on her way. I finish the transaction and hand her change before turning my attention to the frat boy. The way he’s leering at me makes my insides turn. I trudge over to him. He speaks before I can even get a word out.

“Do you like Sex on the Beach?”

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. “I don’t drink.”

He winks at me and I want to gag. “I wasn’t talking about the drink, sweetheart.”

I decide to redirect the conversation. “Can I get you anything?”

“Is your number in that little black book?” He motions to the Drink Bible visible on the counter behind me.

I’m seriously starting to get irritated. I glance around to see if I can call to Susie or even Sandy, but Susie is at a table delivering drinks and Sandy is five orders deep. I let out a sigh. Guess I’m on my own.

I turn my attention back to the frat boy and focus on making my voice stern. “Sir, unless you plan on actually buying something, I’m going to have to ask you to move on. There are other people waiting to be served.”

“Oh, I know how you can serve me.”

I cringe. Does this dude really think he’s being smooth?

“Sir, really, unless you plan on ordering something, I have to move on to actual paying customers.” As I speak, I glance down the bar and spot at least three people waiting to place orders, waving my arm to prove my point.

What I don’t see, though, is my knight in thin-rimmed glasses coming up to stand beside Mr. Obnoxious. I nearly let out a sound of surprise when I look back at the guy in front of me and see Glasses standing beside him. My harasser opens his mouth, but before any words can come out, Glasses speaks.

“She said to order something or move on.”

Mr. Obnoxious is apparently just as surprised by the newcomer. He startles at the words and glances over, his eyes hardening.