Letting Go (Healing Hearts) (15 page)

Diane shrugged. “I didn’t know how to handle it, so I agreed to pose for my dad the same as always. The outfits he had me wear were, um, skimpy, and I felt almost naked.”

She giggled. Saying it out loud sounded so embarrassing and awful. Why had she let her father talk her into so many things?

Your body is sheer perfection. I love you, baby.

“Tell me a little more about posing for your dad.”

She started picking at her cuticles again, but this time caught herself before she drew blood. What had her dad done with her photos? She shuddered when she thought about the possibilities.

“He’d have me turn around so he could get shots at different angles.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

She smiled nervously. “Like a model. He especially liked to take pictures of my, um, breasts. I remember him telling me how gorgeous I looked as he touched me—ah, to move me into different poses or positions.”

“Was that the only time he touched you?”

Her finger slid into her mouth. Sucking it, she hesitated, then removed her finger and stared at it while she spoke.

“I don’t remember much . . . other than to move me into different poses for shots. Sometimes his hands lingered, but he never touched my private areas.” Diane glanced up, worried that she’d said too much. “Not that I can recall, anyway.”

Dr. Rhiner nodded.

She twisted the tissue around her sore finger. “He just looked at me a lot. It was so weird, now that I think about it. Why do you think he did that? Why would a dad look at his daughter like . . . like—well, that’s just sick.”

“What made you believe he wanted to touch you?”

“The look in his eyes. Men look at me the same way when they want a date. Why would my own father look at me that way?”

Dr. Rhiner adjusted his position and scratched his chin. “Honestly? I don’t know what his motivation was. I could speculate all day and still not know what went on in his head. One thing I do know is that it wasn’t your fault, Diane. You didn’t want him to see you that way.”

“Really? Part of me liked it when he focused on me. I enjoyed the attention I got from him and from the judges at the pageants. I just didn’t like the
way
he looked at me. Sure, I wanted him to admire me, and I’d even go out of my way to show off when he entertained friends because I knew it would make him happy. Maybe I encouraged it. Maybe I made him that way because of my need for attention.”

“You didn’t encourage his perversion. It’s normal to want to please your parent, to crawl up on your father’s lap to receive his affection. The desire you felt to please him was normal. How he wanted to be pleased was the part that confused you.”

Diane’s mind whirred with all of the possibilities. “Do you think that’s why I’m usually attracted to men I can’t have?”

You know you want me to, Diane.

Her eyes grew wide and she covered her mouth. “Do you think it’s possible that on some level I was attracted to my dad?” She bent over and clutched her stomach, nauseated at the thought.

“No. Not at all. It’s normal for little girls to think their daddies are wonderful and handsome. That’s what makes what your father did to you so confusing.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Your feelings for your dad were normal. But if you add the slightly off-color perception on your father’s part into the mix, it convolutes a perfectly normal situation.”

“So you’re saying you don’t think I made him want me that way by always trying to get his attention and wanting to look pretty for him?”

“No, of course you didn’t. He’s responsible for his own behavior. You didn’t make him do anything.”

“I think I know what you mean.” Her voice hitched. “But then why do you think he would say those things to me if they weren’t true?”

“What things, Diane? What did he say?”

“He said stuff like, ‘You’re so beautiful. Sometimes I wish you weren’t my daughter.’ ”
Then he’d kiss me.

Looking down at her hands, she examined them as fresh tears slid down her cheeks. She tore little pieces of tissue from the wad in her hand, rolling them between her fingers.

Dr. Rhiner placed the wastebasket in front of her. She tossed the shredded pieces into the basket.

“That wasn’t the worst, though. He also said stuff like, ‘Why do you have to be such a hottie?’ And ‘You want Daddy to love you, don’t you, Diane?’ before he kissed me goodnight.”

“I can see how that would confuse you and make you feel responsible. But it’s not true. You can’t help what you look like.”

“So why did my dad’s friends always look at me the same way he did?” The thought that he might have shared her photos with his friends turned her stomach, so she shoved it away.

“You’re a very beautiful woman. Most men would have difficulty not noticing you.”

Her eyes narrowed. “What about you? When you look at me, what do you see?”

“Well, the outside of you is the ideal woman. You happen to be gifted with good looks. But I’m also a trained counselor, so I see much more than just the outside person. I see the pain in your eyes. The pain you try to hide from the world.”

She swallowed hard. “You can see pain in my eyes?”

“Yes. I see a soul who is hurting and needs a healing touch.”

She didn’t like the idea of being so transparent even if he was a therapist. Pain sounded like weakness.

“Sometimes I really hated him. I was so relieved when he died.”

The doctor said, “That doesn’t seem difficult to believe, given your situation.”

“So why are you different? I mean, why don’t you look at me the way most guys do? Do you like men or something?”

Dr. Rhiner’s eyes widened and his face turned crimson. “No. I’m married to a wonderful woman, and I have two kids in college. I’m also a Christian. I try to keep my mind pure, and I pray a lot. But I’m just as human as the next guy.”

She remembered his wife was just down the hall, but she wanted to test him to see if he really was safe.

“What would you do if I made a pass at you?”

He shifted in his seat. “I’d have to stop seeing you as a patient.”

For some reason, the thought made her sad. She needed someone’s help. Someone she could trust. Someone who would not use her for her body.

“What are you thinking about right now?”

“I’m thinking, ‘No wonder I’m such a mess.’ Is there any way to fix this problem I have? Why do I end up picking the wrong men to love? Will I ever be able to trust a man? To love a good man?”

“I believe so.”

“Why do you believe that? How can you know?”

“God made us all that way. We aren’t happy when we don’t love others, when we’re lonely. He created us to need each other.”

“But what about trust?”

“That’s the hardest thing for people to learn. Trust means letting go. Many people find it too difficult, so they never take that risk.”

“I don’t think I know how to trust.”

“That’s not true. You’re trusting me right now with what you’re telling me. You’ve been open, and that’s not easy.”

“Yeah, but that’s different. I’m paying to tell you my troubles, and you can’t share what I say with anyone. That’s not the same.”

He nodded. “Maybe not. But it’s a start.”

“So you really think I can change?”

A broad smile pulled at his lips. “I believe anything is possible with God. Anyone can change if they want a fresh start.”

Diane scrunched her brow. “That’s what my friends have been telling me for weeks. Do you really think that’s true? If I change, will it last?”

“I believe so. But only if you allow God to work in your life.”

She only half-heard him through the fog in her mind. Would she ever be normal?

“Is that what you want?” he asked.

Did she want that? No, better to deal with her life on her own terms.

“I want to change, but I’m not ready for God to do anything. I don’t think that’ll help me. I have a lot of things on my mind that I need to focus on, so don’t push it, okay?”

“I’d never push God or anything else on anyone. You asked my opinion, and that’s my answer. What you do is totally up to you. Everyone has a free will. But if you ever want to talk about God, I’m willing to listen. Just let me know, okay?”

This whole conversation about God made her stomach tense. She looked at the clock.

“I need to go now. Thanks for listening. I’ll call to schedule another appointment.”

He stood. “I’m looking forward to meeting with you again. I have a lot of hope for you.” He offered a tender smile.

“I’m glad one of us does. See you later.” Before he could respond, she snatched her purse and headed toward the door.

She groaned inwardly as she left the building. She should have known Rachel would set her up with a Christian therapist. The name New Hope Counseling should have tipped her off too. She wanted to change, but the whole idea of God being involved scared her. She needed to go to someone who wouldn’t talk about God the whole time. She wasn’t ready to go there.

Seeing a Christian counselor simply wouldn’t work, even if the guy was nice and easy to talk to. The thought made her sad because at least he seemed to understand her. And the words he used to assure her were comforting.

She winced in pain from yet another loss, stuffing it down until she could breathe again. She would find a way to heal, but on her own terms. Yes, that’s what she’d do.

So why did she feel so empty inside?

Chapter 12

D
ave stretched and headed for the bathroom, still tired after being up half the night with Joey, who had thrown up at least three times. He still smelled like the sour contents of Joey’s stomach.

He dreaded calling Joey’s case manager to inform her that he was sick again. Dave worried she wouldn’t believe him. For a second he even considered keeping the puked-on clothes as evidence, then decided against it. He scooped up the soiled garments and headed toward the laundry room. The smell overpowered him, making his stomach turn. He held his breath the rest of the way until he dropped the contents into the machine. Slamming the lid, he exhaled.

He could have waited for his maid to come to work that afternoon, but the stench had already spread through the house, and with Diane coming over later this morning, he wanted to make a good impression. After adding soap and turning on the machine, he peeled off his nightclothes and threw them into the washer, then headed for the shower. As the steamy water poured over him, he inhaled deeply and rolled his shoulders. Not sure why he felt so tense, he cranked the temperature another notch until it almost scalded his skin. The adjustment helped, but it didn’t fix the ache.

When he finished getting dressed, he peeked in on Joey. His son lay in his crib sleeping like a rock and sweating like a boxer during the last round. The poor little guy. Dave quietly approached the crib and placed his hand above Joey’s forehead. The Tylenol had done the trick. Dave figured his sweat probably had more to do with having too many blankets covering him, so he peeled the top one off.

Joey shifted and popped his thumb back into his mouth with a deep sigh. Dave held his breath, not wanting to wake him. Joey needed his rest to get well. He had slept less than four hours. Dave had managed to get even less sleep than that, and now his muscles were stiff and his head was fuzzy.

He went downstairs, put on a pot of coffee, and lit a few scented candles to cover the smell of vomit, which still lingered. He had planned to meet with Diane in her office, but she convinced him of the merit of meeting at his home. Seeing him interact with Joey in his own home would help her to prepare better for his defense.

When the doorbell rang he rushed all the way across the house to answer it before the sound woke Joey. “Hello.” he gasped, trying to catch his breath. “Come on in.”

Diane looked at him with one eyebrow raised as she stepped inside. He figured she wasn’t used to men panting when they opened the door for her. But then again, it wouldn’t surprise him if they did. She looked awesome in a tight peach sweater and long black dress pants with high heels. The gentle sway of her hips as she walked past him caused his pulse to race.

Instantly he berated himself. He needed to stop thinking about Diane as a potential date. He had learned a lot from the miserable conflicts he’d experienced with Merilee. She had been beautiful, but only outwardly. Her heart was hard toward him during the last year of their marriage. Even so, he’d still loved her, flaws and all.

He doubted he’d ever marry again, but if he changed his mind someday, he wanted a wife who sincerely loved God and didn’t just say that she did to gain his acceptance and love. He refused to let the outward physical beauty of the package taint his perspective of the contents ever again.

Over the course of his marriage, while Dave had grown in his faith, Merilee had stagnated in hers. And since he’d found out on the day she died that she as pregnant, he wondered if she ever knew the Lord at all. He’d had no idea she was seeing someone else, but it would certainly explain her coldness toward him. Regardless, he decided to leave that judgment up to God, since God was the only One who could see her inner soul and knew the true condition of her heart.

Diane chuckled, waving her hand in front of his eyes. “Dave, where were you? I asked you three times if Joey was still asleep, and you completely ignored me.”

He blinked and shook his head. “I . . . what? Sorry, I didn’t mean to ignore you. I just didn’t hear you. I was daydreaming. I didn’t get much sleep last night. I really apologize.”

“It’s okay. I’ve had nights like that too. So where is Joey?”

Her large eyes captivated him. He had never seen such unique, beautiful eyes in his life. The golden flecks scattered over her dark hazel irises contrasted with her blonde hair and accentuated its highlights. His finger itched to reach out and touch the silky strands, so he clasped his hands together behind his back.

“Joey, uh, got sick. He was up half the night. He’s finally sleeping soundly and I’d really hate to rouse him.”

“Oh, I understand. I won’t disturb him. But I’d like a tour of the house, if you don’t mind.”

“Okay. Let’s start upstairs and work our way back.”

*   *   *

Diane headed toward the water’s edge with Dave trailing behind her. “I can’t believe you have an indoor pool. This is so neat. Is it expensive to put in one of these? Ahh—!”

When she turned to look at him, her heel slipped. She felt her legs threatening to fly out from under her, but before she could go down, Dave caught her.

“Easy, now!”

Looking up at him, she tried to catch her breath. “That scared me.”

A worried look appeared in his eyes. “You aren’t the first person to slip on that exact same spot. This area should be dry by now. I guess I need to invest in a better drainage system.”

A bit shaken from the adrenaline rush, she took a moment to enjoy the strong arms wrapped around her. She couldn’t help noticing that Dave acted aloof as he stood her upright.

His eyes betrayed him, however. His desire was evident as he locked onto her gaze. But she didn’t see that familiar lascivious look. His attraction seemed more genuine, more pure, almost like admiration, and that really worried her. What did it mean?

A lazy smile spread over his face, and his eyes twinkled as if he had a secret. The longing she sensed in his gaze caused her heart to do a little flip. Was he lonely?

She wondered what it would feel like to kiss him.

Apparently Dave noticed her gaze trailing to his mouth because his smile broadened. She licked her lips, suddenly nervous.

Her accident lasted mere seconds, but what followed seemed to transpire in slow motion. When Dave finally released his hold on her, a tingling sensation washed over her skin. A desire for more contact stirred to life the buried longing for a relationship different from any she’d known before.

But Dave could have any woman he wanted, so why would he pick someone like her—someone who couldn’t give him more children?

She knew the answer to her own question. He wouldn’t. So she cut her fantasy off and glanced away.

“Well, let’s get back inside and talk shop.”

“Sure, I’m game.” He offered his arm. “Hold on until you get past this slick area.”

“Thanks, but I’ll just be more careful this time.” Forcing a smile, she eased away from him.

*   *   *

Back inside, they finished the paperwork Diane had brought along. Dave provided her with a social history summary report, which would be very helpful if the case went to trial.

“Daddy?” The little head of a toddler poked through the bars on the stairwell.

Dave raced up the steps, taking them two at a time. Scooping Joey up, he carried him downstairs.

He set the boy on the floor in front of them. “How is my Joey today?”

“I o’tay.” Joey toddled over to Diane. “Dathy, who this?”

Joey spoke around his thumb, slobbering a bit, while he studied Diane. He stood gazing at her with a fascinated look in his eyes, clutching his stuffed chicken with one hand and sucking his thumb with the other.

“This is Miss Diane. She is Daddy’s new friend. Say hi to Miss Diane, but don’t touch her, okay, Joey? I don’t want her getting sick.”

Joey pulled his thumb out of his mouth and stared at Diane. With an adorable little-boy giggle, he said, “She pwetty. I yike Miss Die.”

A lump formed in Diane’s throat. She’d never spent much time with children so she rarely had the pleasure of a child’s companionship. Never before had any child said they liked her. It warmed her to her toes.

Joey toddled closer and popped his thumb in his mouth.

“No, Joey,” Dave said.

Joey grabbed the edge of Diane’s sweater and rubbed the soft material with his fingers. “Dis nice.” He pulled his thumb from his mouth with a pop and smiled up at Diane, a big grin on his face. Letting go of her sweater, he turned and touched Dave’s arm. “She pwetty. Not stinky.”

Dave laughed, “Yeah, she does smell pretty incredible, doesn’t she?” He winked at Diane. “My son has excellent taste in women.”

Her gaze drifted to his mouth again. Warmth spread over her skin.

He grinned and pulled Joey into his arms. Joey erupted in giggles as Dave rubbed his hair. The sound deepened into a belly laugh when Dave pretended to steal Joey’s nose, holding his fist with his thumb sticking through his fingers in front of Joey’s face.

Joey touched his nose and shouted, “No! It here, Daddy!”

Diane watched their tender interaction wistfully. The way he played with his son made Dave all that more attractive to her.

Having a romantic interest in a client had never been an issue for her before. Forcing her attention in another direction, she glanced at her watch.

“I’m sorry, Dave, but I have to go.”

“I’ll walk you outside.” He rose from the couch.

“No, that’s okay. I’ll see myself out. And unless you need me for anything urgent, I’ll see you next Friday as planned. Sound okay?”

“Sounds perfect. Thanks so much for coming. You’re always welcome.”

As she walked away Diane scolded herself. She had to stop thinking about Dave as a potential mate. He was a client. He’d just said she was welcome in his home to be polite, not because he had the hots for her. He was just a nice guy, and she was making more out of his meaning than actually existed. She needed to focus on winning his case and forget his dreamy smile.

As if that would ever happen.

*   *   *

Diane had only been in the office an hour when Dave called. “Are you free? I need you to come over right away. Joey’s caseworker is here, and she’s accusing me of saying he’s sick so he won’t have to visit his mother. She’s going to take him anyway, and I can’t do a thing about it.”

“She’s there?”

Dave groaned. “Yes. I feel so helpless.” His voice caught. “Please say you’ll help me.”

She glanced at the clock. “My two o’clock canceled, so I’m free for the next hour. I’ll be right there.”

“Good. Please hurry. Please.”

“I’m on my way.”

The desperation in his voice made her move faster than normal. In less than ten minutes she pulled into Dave’s circular driveway and parked. He stood on his front steps looking shell-shocked. He stared, unflinching, as she slammed her car door and approached. His eyes were puffy, and his mouth gaped.

She stood before him for nearly a minute, and he still didn’t acknowledge her. Finally she touched his arm.

“Dave. I’m here.”

He blinked, staring, then mumbled, “She just took Joey. How can she do that?”

“I got here as fast as I could.”

His eyes focused. “You’re too late,” he said dully. “I’ve lost him. I just know I’ve lost him.”