Letting Go (Rock Romance #6) (4 page)

Or I could leave by choice, without a word from him. Leave him guessing and intrigued. If I was something he wanted he could find me himself.

I choose the latter.

I’m not going to sit around and wait for an explanation of his closing himself up. I’m not going to wait for him to nicely kick me out, or have him explain this was a one-time thing.

No, I’m worthy of much more than that.

I disregard his presence, if he can give the look of boredom, I can too.

I swing my legs out over his bed, search for my pants and shoes and put them on. I walk back to the couch, find my bra and shirt and put those on too.

“What’re you doing?” Zepp asks from behind my back.

Steel yourself Rad. He needs this and so do you.

“It’s a little late, I’m just going to get going.”

I run out of the bus and far away. I eventually make it to the front of the venue, reach into my pocket for my cell and call a cab.

Headed home.

Home.

How is it that home doesn’t feel like home without Zepp? How can a place I felt at peace at, no longer mean the same thing after a chance encounter?

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong;

but sometimes it is letting go.”

- Hermann Hesse

Who in the hell did she think she was? Walking away from me, no one does that. Not that I wanted more from her than a good time or anything, but fuck, that surely left a bruise on my ego.

“Where’d ginger run off to last night so fast? Did you scare her away with your fetish ways Zepp?”

“Fuck off Liam. I was done with her, so she left.”

“That’s strange for you, usually you keep them around for more than a few minutes. You were done that fast?”

“You’re trying to get a rise out of me, I’m on to you. It wasn’t a few minutes, dickhead. We did our business then I asked her to leave, she wasn’t happy about it but she left anyway. Fuck, she’s probably the easiest groupie I’ve had all around. Easy lay, easy goodbye.” I laugh on the outside, shame hiding inside. Shame that I could talk about someone, a stranger that way so easily.

Cold and callously.

~*~

“So tell me what happened after I left you two alone.” I hear Avery’s voice coming over the line on my phone.

I should’ve ignored her call until I wasn’t as broken up as I am now about last night with Zepp.

“Nothing happened, I left not long after you.”

“Liar.” She calls me out, truth never hiding from her, even when she can’t look into my eyes.

“He wasn’t who I thought he was, fuck Avery, I don’t know who I thought he was. Years of building him up inside my head, reading ridiculous articles and interviews with him trying to piece together the person I thought he’d be. I was wrong, so fucking wrong. The person I thought he was broke in front of me, like a hammer to a mirror as soon as the deed I had set out to do was done. He’s untouchable, I’m not sure ice or warmth alike could reach him.”

“So, what you’re just going to give up?”

“Have you been listening to anything I said? He’s not the person I had made him out to be in my head. Nothing more than a hope, a dream, a high expectation and he failed, irrevocably. I picked myself up, brushed the crushed hopes off and left with my pride and dignity intact. I wasn’t about to crumble like a weak groupie who fancied herself in love, and beg him to just want me as much as I wanted him. I held my head high, got dressed and said walked out.”

“He didn’t say anything after you left?”

“Nope. I think I stunned him, that I wasn’t falling at his feet like everyone else worshipping the very ground he walks on.”

“I’m so sorry Rad. I know how long you’ve wanted just one moment with him and although I thought you were crazy and a little unhealthy in your crush I still didn’t want it to end like this for you if the opportunity ever approached. His lost though, you’re a great catch. Your someone is out there, just waiting for you to come along.”

“I’ll be fine. Give me a few days to nurse my inner wounds and I’ll be good as new. My adolescent crush that should’ve never entered my adulthood can stay in the past. It’s done, over. On to searching for love elsewhere.”

“You should let me take you out, get some drinks and I’ll help you find a man.”

“No, not yet.” I laugh, “It’s going to take more than a few hours Avery. When I’m ready, you can help me find the love of my life.”

“You better, and it’s not going to be Shayne.”

“Of course it isn’t, I keep telling you I’m not interested. He’s just a friend, and that’s all he’ll be. I’m going to let you go, I have to be up early. It’s my day with Rush, I’ve got something special planned for her. I don’t want to miss taking her because I overslept.”

“You love that girl don’t you? If I wasn’t as wise, and didn’t know you as well as I do I’d think you’re replacing me with her. You’re lucky I’m not the jealous type babe. Get some rest, call me when you leave Rush and tell me how you’re surprise for her went.”

“I will, love ya.”

“Night babe, love ya.”

I toss my phone onto my couch, shut the lights off along the way to my bedroom. Strip my dress off and throw on some shorts and a tank top before climbing into bed, alone.

Alone, like every other night.

I’m tired of being alone, in life and in bed.

I want to be loved, sadly not by the one I had longed for it to be.

“The process of letting go is like taking a journey

to the center of your being.”

- Darren L. Johnson

“Are you going to stop at your families before we leave California?” Ryan pulls me aside. “I know that as of late things haven’t been good between you and them, if you don’t want me prying I won’t. I’m just concerned for you, I know you breathe for Rush and it’s got to me tough on the heart not seeing her. Whatever it is though, you should work through it with your parents. If we leave without you seeing them I know it’s going to eat at you for the entire tour. Meaning we’ll have to deal with a dick.”

“Dad’s been reading on experimental treatments and he’s got it in his head that one of them could be Rush’s cure. Wants me to make some phone calls and pay for it. I don’t want to. It’s not about the money, you and I both know I’d give everything I have in my bank account away if it would cure her, if it would make her normal again. Nothing’s going to change it though, the damage was done all those years ago and dads just setting himself up for a broken heart. I said no, so he’s pissed. Thinks I want Rush the way she is. Blame is coming back to me again.”

“Go talk to him, work it out before we leave. You’ve got today before we hit the road again. Go see Rush, spend the day with your family and work the shit out. Doesn’t matter what he says, you know it wasn’t your fault then and it’s not your fault now. Remember that, in the heat of emotions people say things that they really don’t mean. He’s just hurting, as you are Zepp.”

“I know. Fuck do I know.” I say holding the bridge of my nose, holding my emotions at bay.

“Then you know what you have to do.”

“No one is in control of your happiness but you;

therefore, you have the power to change anything

about yourself or your life that you want to change.”

- Barbara De Angelis

“Radisyn!” Rush exclaims running out to meet me at my old beat up Honda Accord, a car that as old as it was, was as dependable as a new one. I run up to Rush to greet her with a hug.

Here’s the thing with Rush, she’s the same age as I am, with a mind of an adolescent. She’s a woman that I can’t help think of as a child, a younger sister who needs loving care and guidance. I know that with my profession I shouldn’t get attached to clients, because most of them have medical issues that could cause them to be here in good health one day and gone the next. I’m not privy to any of my clients medical charts, even if I were I wouldn’t have been able to guard my heart from Rush.

She made loving her, easy.

If I’m lucky I get to spend two days a week with her. She’s going out of town for a few weeks so this will be the last day I get to spend time with her before I go. Some people call what I do being a home health aide, others just call me an aide. I give Rush’s caretakers, in this case her parents a break. Some time for themselves, I’ve taken classes to be a certified nurse’s assistant, in the event that something happened I would be able to deliver emergency services to my client until help would be there.

I take my clients out to enjoy activities, even to run errands. I provide companionship, to those who otherwise wouldn’t have any. I love my job, it’s what I was meant to do. Rush being my client is an added bonus.

Since todays my last day with her for some time, I thought she and I would do her favorite thing.

“Where are we going today?” Rush asks me, her excitement barely contained.

“Today is beach day! We’ll need your swimsuit and sunscreen I’ve got everything else we’ll need already packed in the car.”

She starts clapping her hands and jumping up and down, with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen lighting up her face.

I follow Rush into the house, her parents are seated in the living room.

“I planned to spend the day with Rush at the beach, is that okay with you guys? I know it’s her favorite place, and well I won’t be seeing her for a while, I wanted to do something special.”

“Honey you know we’ll say yes to whatever you propose. Rush looks forward to the time she gets to spend with you.” Rush’s mom Anne, makes her way over to me. “We’ve all been lucky to have you around. You do so much for her.”

“It’s nothing really. I’m the lucky one that gets to spend time with such a beautiful soul. You’ll let me know when you guys make it back right.”

“Of course, as soon as we’re home I’ll give you a call. Why don’t you go help Rush get packed for the beach.”

Spontaneously, I wrap my arms around Anne. “Thank you.” Then I make my way upstairs to Rush’s bedroom.

“
When one door closes, another opens.

But often we look so long, so regretfully,

upon the closed door,

that we fail to see the one that is opened for us.”

- Helen Keller