Letting Go (Vista Falls #3) (14 page)

“What?” she asked, looking horrified. “You actually thought about taking your own life?”

“Come on, Gabby, can you blame me? I would never do that now—with or without you—but back then, not only was I living a nightmare, but I had no real prospects.”

“You had me and a scholarships and—”

“You know school was never really my thing. But you were.”

She tried to smile, but her lips trembled. “You were my thing too. I wish I’d known what you were going through. Maybe I could have helped.”

“You did help. Just having you in my life helped.” He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. “I never got to thank you for that. You saw me through the darkest time of my life.”

“Then things did get better when you left here?”

“Definitely, but my brother and sister were still here. I hated that. I wanted to take them with me, to save them somehow, but I couldn’t. I could barely take care of myself, let alone two other people.”

“It makes more sense now, why you had to get away.”

“The night I left, that was probably the worst fight we ever had. I beat him up pretty badly. I wanted to kill him.” The scene played out when he closed his eyes. His mother screaming. His brother trying to pull him off. His sister holding the phone, threatening to call the police. “He was lying on the kitchen floor, almost lifeless, and I kept kicking him with everything I had.”

“Wow.” She released a slow, shaky breath. “I had no idea.”

“My mother pulled me outside and told me to just go. She said if I stayed, I would eventually kill him and then I’d spend the rest of my life in prison. She told me he wasn’t worth it.” His voice was monotone—no inflection, no emotion, just the facts. It was as though the pain was someone else’s. Not his. Not anymore. “She was right. He wasn’t worth it.”

“So that’s why you left so suddenly?”

“I would have given anything to kiss you one more time, but I couldn’t show up at your house covered in his blood. Your parents would have called the cops for sure.”

“How did you get the note to Katie to give to me?”

“I drove to the parking lot where everyone hung out and called her over to the car. I gave her the note and asked her to give it to you.”

“But why’d you let me go on believing that you chose to leave without saying good-bye? I was so mad at you.” She wiped away a tear as it slid down her cheek. “I swear I thought I hated you.”

“I knew you would.” He brushed away another one of her tears with his thumb. “I thought that would make it easier for you to forget me.”

“So let me get this straight,” she said, raising her hand. “You did that
for
me?”

“Yup. But the last time, a year ago, was strictly self-preservation. I couldn’t be your rebound guy, Gab. That would’ve killed me.”

“I can’t even believe you thought that for a second, you dumbass.” She shoved his shoulder, making him chuckle.

“Still, you needed a little more time to heal, didn’t you? After the divorce and miscarriage?”

“I guess I did.” She took the beer he was holding and set it on the table between them before she stood. “But um…” She sat in his lap, straddling him. “I’m all healed now.”

His eyes dipped to her cleavage. “Yeah, I noticed.” He brushed her hair back then kissed her neck as his hands cupped her ass. “You’ve never looked better, never felt better…” His tongue trailed down her neck, and he suckled lightly before nipping. “Never tasted better.”

“Never been more ready for you.” She tipped his head back, forcing him to look at her. “I mean it, you know. I’m ready for you. I’m ready for us this time, and I’m not letting you run away again. Not for your benefit and not for mine.”

“Good to know.” Not even a crowbar could have pried him away from her now. “You know what this means, don’t you?”

“What?”

“You’re mine, Gabby. I can’t let anyone else have you. Ever again.”

She shuddered before curling her arms around him and burying her head in his neck. “I love you.”

He held her tightly, afraid to let go. He didn’t want to wake up to find this was another dream that would inevitably break his heart. “I love you too, sweetheart.”

“You don’t have to say that just because—”

“Hey.” He gripped her chin, forcing her to face him. “I. Love. You. I love the girl you were, the woman are you, and the old bag you’ll be fifty years from now.”

“Hey!” She laughed even as tears slipped down her cheeks. “Fifty years is a long time, especially for a guy who doesn’t like to think about the future.”

“It’s hard not to think about the future when you’re stamped all over it.”

“Meaning?” she asked, trying to keep a straight face.

“I see all kinds of crazy things when I think about you. Things I never thought I’d see.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

He held up her bare hand. “I’m seeing a big ol’ diamond on this pretty little finger.”

Her hands curled around his shoulders. “What else?”

“I’m seeing the most beautiful girl I know in a long white wedding dress with her best friend by her side.” Seeing their life unfolding was suddenly so easy. All of the things that he’d been afraid of were now beckoning to him. His hands trailed down her body, his thumbs brushing her peaked nipples before his hands wrapped around her waist. He rubbed her belly with his thumbs. “Hmm, and I can see this sexy belly of yours all big and round—”

“Don’t!” She jumped up so suddenly she almost fell backward, prompting him to grab her so she wouldn’t hit her head.

“Hey, what did I say?”

She turned away from him, facing the lake as her whole body trembled. Her tears weren’t the happy tears she’d shed earlier. They weren’t even the pity tears she’d cried for him. These were the gut-wrenching kind that tore out his heart.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

“I can’t.” She shook her head, pressing her fist against her mouth. “I can’t let myself think about that again.”

“What? Getting pregnant?”

“I can’t.” She shook her head furiously, her long hair flying out around her. “I won’t.”

Colt didn’t know what to say, but he couldn’t allow her to go on suffering alone. He felt physically sick when he thought about what she’d lost and the man who’d been there to grieve with her, but she’d forced him to open up, so he had to do the same. “Tell me about it. Tell me what losing the baby did to you.”

“A part of me died.” She said it so simply, as though it happened every day. “I loved her so much.” She sucked in a breath. “I spent hours thinking about what she’d look like, how she’d sound, her smile…” She smiled. “I was making her this little pink dress…”

He pulled her into his arms, letting her cry on his chest while he stroked her hair. “You knew she was going to be a girl?”

She sniffled before looking up at him. “I even knew that I wanted to name her Annabella after my grandmother. We’d call her Bella for short.”

Colt swallowed, trying to find the right words. He hadn’t expected to have this conversation tonight and felt ill-equipped to deal with it. He’d never been good at dealing with emotions: his or someone else’s.

“I’m sorry.” She shook her head, turning away from him. “I’m sure you don’t want to hear about this—”

“I do.” He pulled her back against his chest. “I really do. I just don’t know how to make you feel better.”

“This makes me feel better,” she said, turning her head so her chest was resting against his shoulder. “Having your arms around me, feeling your heartbeat… that makes me feel better. It reminds me that you’re here for me.”

“I am here, baby.” He kissed the top of her head. “And I know this may be hard for you to believe, but I’m not going anywhere. Not this time.”

She released a trembling breath as she curled her hands around his wrists. “I’m sorry I freaked out like that. I just don’t let myself think about the miscarriage very often, and when I do, I usually lose it.”

“That’s understandable.”

“I don’t think I could handle losing your baby. That would kill me.”

Colt could have sworn his heart stopped beating.
His baby.
Gabby pregnant with his baby… “God willing, we’ll never have to face that.” Because it would kill him too.

“What if there’s something wrong with me?” she whispered. “The doctors didn’t find any evidence there was, but what if—”

“Then we’ll deal with it.” Colt didn’t know how he’d gone from flying solo to being part of a couple in the blink of an eye, but it felt right. “Whatever happens, we’ll get through it. Together.”

She turned to face him, her cheeks still damp. “I’m scared.”

“So am I, sweetheart.” He closed his eyes as he kissed her, knowing they both needed a reprieve from the fear in each other’s eyes.

Gabby’s doubts were a deafening chorus as Colt took off her clothes, slowly kissing every inch of her. She was embarrassed when she started trembling and closed her eyes to avoid the questions in his eyes.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

She shook her head, trying to deny the truth, and she pinched her lips closed to keep it from slipping out. She didn’t want anything to ruin this moment, but the past was rearing its ugly head, and she didn’t know if she could contain it. She kept reminding herself that Colt had had valid reasons for leaving before and he wasn’t going to leave her again. He’d promised. Hadn’t he? But could she believe him?

“Talk to me, Gabrielle.” His voice was a husky whisper as he brushed her hair off her face. “Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

Putting pressure on a guy like Colt was the kiss of death, even after the talk they’d had tonight. “I just want this to work, I guess. And I’m scared it won’t.”

“You’re afraid I’ll let you down again because that’s what I do.”

“No.” She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down on top of her, though he supported most of his weight with his forearms. “You may think you’re the only one who’s made mistakes, but you’re not. I’m divorced, remember? What if I’m the one who sucks at relationships?”

She’d secretly wondered if that might be the case. She’d been married to a great guy who’d loved her and wanted to make her happy, yet she hadn’t been. They’d had so much in common, yet it wasn’t enough. He’d been her friend, her lover… but she’d wanted a soul mate. Maybe she was impossible to please. Maybe Colt’s faults would tear them apart, or maybe hers eventually would.

“You were married to the wrong man, that’s all.”

She wanted to believe it was that simple, but the problem could be a lot more serious. “Why didn’t I try to track you down? Why didn’t I come after you? Ever think of that?”

He rolled onto his side, propping his head in his hand. “Yeah, I have wondered about that, as a matter of fact. So why’d you let me go? Twice.”

“I was convinced you were going to leave eventually anyway. I thought it was best to get it over with.” Her limbs had stopped trembling, but her stomach was still quivering as she pulled the blanket up around her shoulders.

“You didn’t think about fighting for us?”

“Of course I thought about it, but I assumed it was a losing battle.” She looked out the window, too ashamed to look him in the eye while admitting her insecurities. “You didn’t love me enough to stay, so why bother trying—”

He grabbed her face, and his eyes widened. His body was now partially covering hers. “You really believed that?”

“How could I not?” She closed her eyes, cursing silently when another tear slid down her cheek. She hated crying, especially in front of Colt. “It was bad enough when you left after high school, but to leave when we could have had a second chance…”

“I already told you why I did that.”

“I know.” She didn’t want to rehash all of this. He’d explained himself, and she believed him, so why was she trying to sabotage what they could have by focusing on the past? It didn’t make sense to her, and clearly he felt the same way. “Maybe this is all just happening too fast.” She tried to sit up, but he had her pinned. “Maybe we should just take a little more time to think about whether this is what we really want.”

“I don’t have to.” He threw the covers back, his eyes leisurely following the contours of her body. “I know what I want.”

Her body. He’d always wanted her body, but he’d never been willing to take more.

“Yeah, well, sex isn’t going to be enough for me this time. That’s why—”

“What the hell are you talking about?” He covered her legs with one of his, making it impossible for her to escape. “Are you serious right now?”

“Dead serious.”

“Do I want to make love to you?” His eyes softened, and she was mesmerized by that smoky shade of gray she’d never seen before. “Of course I do. But not for the reasons you think. Not because I need the release. I could get that anywhere. Hell, I could get that without anyone else’s help, but you give me things no one else can.”

“Like what?”

His lips skimmed her collarbone, making her shiver for an entirely different reason, before he clasped her wrists and drew her hands above her head. “You make me feel real.”

Her eyes drifted closed as his mouth traveled down her shoulder. “What does that mean?”

“I wear a mask with everyone else. It’s all just a pretense. With you, I can be myself. It’s always been that way.”

“Oh God…” It wasn’t easy to think when his tongue was circling her nipple, but she managed. “But you’re afraid to lose your temper with me, so you’re not really being real, are you?”

“You want to see me get angry?” His eyes flared, warning of the change in his mood. “Try telling me again that I don’t love you or I’m only using you for your body.” His grip on her wrists tightened. “Tell me again that you’re afraid I’m going to bail on you or, worse, you’re afraid you’ll leave me.”

She almost wished she hadn’t challenged him because it was obvious he wasn’t trying to contain his temper anymore. As much as that scared her, it excited her too. She’d always wanted to see the real Colt Atkins, the one no one else got to see. “I’m trying to be honest with you.”

“No, you’re not.” He shifted his body so he was completely covering her, her hands still suspended above her head. “You’re lying to me and yourself. You think there’s a chance in hell I’d let you leave me?”