Life as I Know It (14 page)

It was Dan.

“Hi, how are you this evening?” he asked.

The sound of his voice sent shivers of excitement down my spine. Clutching the phone as if it were a lifeline, I forced my voice to sound nonchalant.

“I’m fine. How are you?”

“Better for hearing your voice. I’ve been worried about you. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I did have a bit of a setback today,” I told him. “I fainted at work and they took me back to the hospital.”

“You should have phoned me!” he said. “Did they say what the problem was?”

“I saw the Chinese doctor again. He said it was probably a result of the lightning strike. I’ve been signed off work for a couple of days.” I hesitated, then added, “He said lightning strikes could cause strange effects sometimes.”

“But you’re all right now?”

“I think so.”

“Shall I come over?”

My eyes flicked to the clock again.

“No!”

I knew I’d sounded harsh, and I regretted it immediately. Dan had the potential to be really special, I knew, but it would be unfair to encourage him while I was going through whatever it was that was happening to me. I wished I could tell him about it. I imagined him holding me in his arms, stopping my soul from leaping to Lauren’s body, forcibly keeping me here, in Jessica, where I belonged.

“Right then,” he was saying at the other end of the line. “I’ll be in touch.”

“Wait!”

“What, Jessica?”

“I… something happened to me when the lightning struck me. I haven’t felt… myself… since.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I really like you, Dan. The timing isn’t good, that’s all.”

“So do you want me to call you again? Or shall I wait for you to call me, or what?”

“I don’t know,” I said lamely. “Well, yes, call me. Maybe.”

He laughed suddenly at the other end of the line. “Don’t you go making your mind up too quickly, now,” he said.

“I do want to see you again, Dan.”

“Good. Now that we’ve sorted that out, I’ll let you go and deal with whatever problem it is you’ve got there.”

“Thanks, Dan. Bye.”

As soon as I’d replaced the receiver, I burst into tears. Dan was the first guy in ages that I’d actually considered allowing into my life, and now I didn’t see how it could possibly work. Frankie came and rested her head on my knee, looking up at me in concern, and I hunkered down on the shiny wooden floor and held her tightly in my arms.

“Oh, Frankie,” I wept, burying my face in her doggy-smelling coat. “What on earth am I going to do?”

I woke to find Toby jumping on the foot of my bed. “Mummy, get up,” he cried as he bounced up and down. “Daddy says he’s fed up waiting for you to wake up. He wants to go to work.”

I peered blearily at the bedside clock. Nine-thirty. Not so bad for a school vacation day, I told myself.

“I thought he was taking the week off?”

Toby grinned, his face pink and contorted with the effort of jumping.

“Daddy’s going to work, he’s going to work, he’s going to work.”

“Yes, all right, Toby, I’ve got the message, thank you.” I climbed out of bed and walked past him to the bathroom, somewhat disgruntled by the rude awakening. At home I liked to surface peacefully for a few minutes before puttering into the kitchen to make tea and feed Frankie in the quiet calm of my flat.

I realized halfway to the bathroom door, however, that despite my busy day yesterday, the disturbed night, and Toby’s incessant chattering, my shoulder felt a lot less painful this morning.

“Why don’t you go and tell Daddy I’m awake, while I have my shower?”

To my relief he went off on his errand while I stared into the bath at the soiled nightdress I’d tossed there the previous night, before dropping it into the laundry bin. It stank of vomit, reminding me about Teddy’s nightmare. Poor kid, I thought. This whole business must be terribly unsettling for him.

I turned on the water and stood under the hot jet, twisting sideways so the majority of the water missed the injured area of my back and shoulder. Despite my efforts the dressings became somewhat soggy. As soon as I stepped out of the shower I peeled up one corner of the fine adhesive tape from my shoulder and peered at the injury in the bathroom mirror. Lauren’s burn seemed to be healing remarkably quickly, but I knew I ought to make time to see the nurse and have it checked out.

Sticking the tape back down, I returned to contemplating how best to handle Teddy. It was strange that out of all the children only Teddy had realized I wasn’t his real mother. I knew I was going to have to talk to him about it, but I wasn’t sure where to begin.

Grant was waiting for me in the kitchen when I arrived
downstairs dressed in one of Lauren’s outfits. I’d picked out some cream trousers with an apricot top, complete with matching two-tone scarf. I’d come to the conclusion that Lauren needed to go shopping to buy some sensible clothing. She didn’t seem to own a tracksuit or even a pair of jeans, and I felt overdressed and uncomfortable in her expensive gear.

“You’re up then,” Grant commented. He looked at me appraisingly, then got off the stool and came toward me to give me a peck on the cheek. “You look lovely, Lauren.”

“Thank you.”

“I gather Toby told you I’m thinking of popping in to work for a couple of hours?”

I walked over to the kettle and turned it on.

“He did.”

“That’s okay then, is it?”

“Aren’t you coming with us to collect the sandbox and the animals?”

“I’m still not convinced they are a good idea, Lauren. You don’t like the children getting dirty, and they’ll be constantly trekking sand and animal bedding into the house. It’ll make so much extra work for you.”

“Grant, they have nothing to play with. It’s hardly surprising the last nanny left, if there was nothing to do but take them out all day long.”

I paused as I dunked a tea bag into a china cup. “Would you like one?”

He shook his head. “That’s a disgusting habit, Lauren. Can’t you just make a pot? Loose tea bags are so messy.”

I stared at him indignantly. “For someone who dislikes mess so much, I’m surprised you… we… had four children. The house shouldn’t be as tidy as this!”

“I’m not going to get into a discussion about why we had the boys. If your memory ever comes back you’ll know that it wasn’t my idea.” He stopped as if realizing he’d said too much. He took my hand and searched my eyes with his own. “Look, I know this is difficult for you, sweetheart. It’s not easy for me, either, but I want it to work. You know I love you, but we’ve got to get to know each other’s little ways again. Let’s take it a day at a time, okay?”

Staring into his eyes I felt a rush of warmth toward him. He might be rather persnickety and a bit of a perfectionist, but it seemed his heart was in the right place. After all, none of this was his fault, and he was doing his best in very difficult circumstances. I knew I had overstepped the mark by criticizing the unnatural tidiness of the house—after all, it was his home, not mine.

I nodded, and when he leaned in to kiss me again I didn’t turn my head away but let his lips brush mine. His skin felt cool and smelled faintly of cinnamon, and I wondered what would happen between us if I stayed here indefinitely as his wife. A picture of Dan swam before my eyes and a surge of guilt flooded through me. I felt as if I was betraying both of them, and yet there wasn’t much I could do about it.

“Are you sure you’ll be all right if I go to the surgery?”

“Of course. I’ll be fine.”

I stood watching as he picked up his jacket and made his way out of the house. I heard the engine start up in the garage, then the sound of the overhead doors grating open and closed, the screech of tires on the road outside, then silence.

Sitting down heavily on the stool he’d vacated, I wrapped my hands around the hot cup and sipped the weak tea, trying not to think about the future.

“Where has Dad gone?” demanded Sophie, shaking me out of my reverie. She was glaring at me from the playroom doorway.

“He’s gone to work for a while.”

“I suppose I’m not having my rabbit now, then,” she said. “I knew you wouldn’t really let me have a rabbit. And you’ve made Daddy cross and he’s gone back to work. I hate you!”

She slammed the door behind her, making me jump, and the fine bone-china cup rattled in its saucer, almost slipping from my fingers.

How much had she heard of what her father had said? I wondered as I put the cup down on the sterile work surface and rubbed my eyes wearily. I hoped she hadn’t overheard what he’d said about the boys not being his idea. There was so much about this family I didn’t know, so much I would have to learn. Suddenly the enormity of it seemed almost overwhelming.

I wandered despondently into the utility room, where I noticed someone had already taken the sheets out of the washing machine and transferred them to the dryer. Grant did have some uses then.

“Everything all right, Mrs. Richardson?” I turned to find an elderly lady standing behind me, duster in one hand, can of polish in the other. “Ah, you must be…”

“Elsie, dear. Mr. Richardson said you were having trouble with your memory. I hope you don’t mind but I’ve emptied the washing machine. Was young Teddy ill again?”

Ah, I thought… the cleaning lady, of course. “I’m afraid he was,” I told her.

She stared at me closely, then made a clucking noise with her tongue. “You look exhausted, dear. Shall I make you a nice cup of tea?”

Smiling, I shook my head. Elsie’s idea of therapy was close to my own. Whenever I needed time to think or was upset, I put the kettle on. “I’ve just had one, thank you, Elsie. But tell me about Teddy. Is he often sick?”

“I gather he often has nightmares. But he’s only sick with it when he’s really upset.”

“Thank you for putting his bedding in the dryer—I thought Grant had done it.”

Elsie smiled. “I don’t think Mr. Richardson even knows where the dryer is, do you, dear?”

I smiled in return. “Probably not.”

“Now, I’m going to clean upstairs while you have some breakfast. Mr. Richardson said the doctor told you you’ve got to rest, so I’ll give you a shout when I’ve made the bed and you can come up and have a nice nap.”

She grimaced as screams and shouts erupted from the playroom. “Thank you, Elsie, but I’m going to take the children out in a minute,” I said. “You get on, and I’ll see you later.”

Hurrying to open the playroom door, I was in time to see Sophie hitting Nicole on the head with the television remote control. Nicole was screaming, Sophie was yelling, and Toby and Teddy had taken the opportunity of the distraction to throw the doll’s carriage upside down so that all the dolls had spilled out onto the floor. The TV was blaring at full volume and Toby was jumping up and down on one of the dolls’ heads, making Nicole scream even louder.

Without a word, I marched over to the girls and took the remote from Sophie’s flailing hand, pointed it at the TV, and turned it off. I yanked Toby bodily off the dolls, propped the doll’s carriage upright, then stood facing them, hands on hips.

They all stopped shouting and stared at me.

“Right. Go and put on your shoes, go to the toilet, and get into the car. We’re going to the pet shop.”

Sophie’s face lit up with surprise, and I realized she had truly believed that her father’s comments about the mess the animals would make had made me change my mind. I smiled at her and she grinned back.

While they were all excitedly scrambling about obeying my instructions, I went into the kitchen and grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl, peeling it as I hurried upstairs to find some shoes and a coat. By the time I came down again, the children were all in the car except Teddy, who was sitting on the playroom floor with his shoes on the wrong feet.

“I think your feet are on the wrong way around,” I said as I passed him. “Try them the other way.”

Teddy stared at me, then at his feet, and a wide smile lit his face. He took the shoes off and swapped them over.

“It was shoes, not feet,” he said in his slow, deliberate way. “I got it right now.”

“Well done, Teddy,” I said, holding out my hand. “Come on, let’s go.”

Teddy eyed my hand suspiciously, then seemed to come to a decision. He slipped his small one inside mine and accompanied me to the garage, his ball clutched protectively against his chest.

We spent the morning looking at the animals and filling the car with the sandbox and small-animal accessories, then I bought the children an early lunch in the garden center restaurant. When it was time to pay the bill for the food, I looked at Lauren’s checkbook and decided I would have to practice forging her signature at home. In the meantime, she had plenty of cash in her purse, so I paid quickly and ushered the children out, feeling as if I had just committed fraud.

On the way home, Sophie and Nicole sat nursing boxes on their laps, with the rabbit and guinea pig inside them. Toby held a selection of plastic sand toys, including a large new plastic digger. Teddy sat quietly, holding his ball. To my disappointment he hadn’t seemed excited about the animals or the sandbox, and I wondered if he felt left out.

The children spent the afternoon digging out the hole for the sandbox and setting up the hutch for the animals. Sophie, to my delight, had come and kissed me on the cheek when we’d gotten home, and I accepted this as her apology for her earlier outburst.

Grant was not yet back, so I decided to go and make the children’s tea. Sophie had assured me they all liked breaded chicken fillets and oven fries; something I knew how to make. According to Nicole, however, the nanny used to make the meal with mashed potatoes, vegetables, and gravy, which I had to agree sounded slightly more nutritious.

Leaving the girls feeding the animals and the twins watching children’s TV, I ventured into Lauren’s kitchen and poked about in the big freezer for a family-size pack of the chicken. It took me a while to work out all the knobs and settings on the space-age stove, but I soon had an enormous pan of water bubbling for the potatoes, another for the broccoli I’d found in the vegetable section of the fridge, and the chicken fillets grilling in the oven.