Life of the Party (70 page)

From the moment
I’d arrived, we’d had sort of an unspoken agreement between us, a
willingness to fail, a
suffer-through-until-we’re-out-and-can-get-a-hit kind of mentality.
Now that I wanted to get better, not only did we disagree, but she
refused to try and understand how I felt … my sudden desire to …
live again.

I sighed. That
wasn’t what was making me anxious though. I considered Allison a
friend but really—I barely knew her, she only had weeks left of her
stay, and it was doubtful we’d ever see each other again after
rehab. It sucked that she was perma-mad at me, but that wouldn’t be
enough to make me feel so … unsettled. Troubled. Like I’d forgotten
something—something important—but couldn’t figure out what it was.
Just relative … unease. Tension. Apprehension.

I tried to
ignore it, tried to push it away and focus on the mindless chatter
coming from the TV for the rest of the evening.

But by the time
we made it back to our room, despite all my efforts to the
contrary, the disquiet within me had reached a near fever pitch.
This new unexplained restlessness—combined with my usual angst once
the lights were shut off—threatened to make me nearly crazy. The
darkness in the room pressed against my open eyes. My heart
hammered wildly in my chest. For a terrible instant, I felt like I
couldn’t breathe. I sat up in bed and took a few deep breaths,
trying to calm myself down. I didn’t really know what to do; I’d
never experienced a panic attack before. What I needed was light.
As quietly as I could, I took the little pencil flashlight that
Riley had smuggled in for me one week from the bedside drawer. As a
second thought, I grabbed the Bible he’d given me as well. Then, my
heart still racing, I ducked under my covers and turned the
flashlight on. If Allison was aware of my activities she didn’t say
anything. Her slow, even breaths told me she was enjoying that rare
skill she possessed for falling asleep instantly.

I flipped
impatiently through my Bible. I wasn’t even sure what I was
searching for, some answer that would make all the craziness stop.
Riley had suggested I read somewhere closer to the middle. I
flipped and flipped and flipped, and then stopped. I read the first
chapter my eyes rested on. It was a Psalm. Psalm 107.

“
Oh, thank God - he's so good! His
love never runs out. All of you set free by God, tell the
world! Tell how he freed you from oppression, then rounded you up
from all over the place, from the four winds, from the seven seas.
Some of you wandered for years in the desert, looking but not
finding a good place to live, half-starved and parched with thirst,
staggering and stumbling, on the brink of exhaustion. Then, in your
desperate condition, you called out to God. He got you out in the
nick of time; he put your feet on a wonderful road that took
you straight to a good place to live. So thank God for his
marvellous love, for his miracle mercy to the children he
loves. He poured great draughts of water down parched throats;
the starved and hungry got plenty to eat.

 Some of
you were locked in a dark cell, cruelly confined behind bars,
 punished for defying God's Word, for turning your back on the
High God's counsel - a hard sentence, and your hearts so
heavy, and not a soul in sight to help. Then you called out to God
in your desperate condition; he got you out in the nick of
time. He led you out of your dark, dark cell, broke open the
jail and led you out. So thank God for his marvellous love, for his
miracle mercy to the children he loves; he shattered the heavy
jailhouse doors, he snapped the prison bars like matchsticks!

Some of you
were sick because you'd lived a bad life, your bodies feeling the
effects of your sin; you couldn't stand the sight of food, so
miserable you thought you'd be better off dead. Then you
called out to God in your desperate condition; he got you out in
the nick of time. He spoke the word that healed you, that pulled
you back from the brink of death. So thank God for his marvellous
love, for his miracle mercy to the children he loves; Offer
thanksgiving sacrifices, tell the world what he's done - sing it
out!

Some of you set
sail in big ships; you put to sea to do business in faraway
ports. Out at sea you saw God in action, saw his breathtaking
ways with the ocean: with a word he called up the wind - an ocean
storm, towering waves! You shot high in the sky, then the bottom
dropped out; your hearts were stuck in your throats. You were spun
like a top, you reeled like a drunk, you didn't know which end was
up. Then you called out to God in your desperate condition; he
got you out in the nick of time. He quieted the wind down to a
whisper, put a muzzle on all the big waves. And you were so
glad when the storm died down, and he led you safely back to
harbour. So thank God for his marvellous love, for his miracle
mercy to the children he loves. Lift high your praises when the
people assemble, shout Hallelujah when the elders meet!

 God
turned rivers into wasteland, springs of water into sun baked mud;
luscious orchards became alkali flats because of the evil of the
people who lived there. Then he changed wasteland into fresh
pools of water, arid earth into springs of water, brought in
the hungry and settled them there; they moved in - what a great
place to live! They sowed the fields, they planted vineyards,
they reaped a bountiful harvest. He blessed them and they prospered
greatly; their herds of cattle never decreased. But abuse and evil
and trouble declined as he heaped scorn on princes and sent them
away. He gave the poor a safe place to live, treated their clans
like well-cared-for sheep. Good people see this and are glad;
bad people are speechless, stopped in their tracks.

If you are
really wise, you'll think this over - it's time you appreciated
God's deep love.”

I read it a few
times, my eyes wide as saucers in my face. I was surprised. So much
of it spoke to me … like actually spoke to me. “Your heart so
heavy; and not a soul to help.” That was exactly how I felt
.
“You couldn’t stand the sight of food, so miserable you thought
you’d be better off dead.”

Hadn’t I felt
that very thing? Hadn’t I actually tried to kill myself? But why
didn’t I die? I had taken more than enough heroin to overdose—way
more than enough. Yet here I was, living, breathing. Fine. “He
spoke the word that healed you, that pulled you back from the brink
of death.” Could it be true? Could what Riley said be true? Did God
have a plan for me? Did he … love me, despite my horridness? Did he
love me enough to save me?

There was one
line in that chapter that had been repeated over and over. “Then
you called out to God in your desperate condition; he got you out
in the nick of time.”

Did I believe?
Did I believe that God would save me if I asked him to? Could I
take that leap, that leap of faith? I had to try. I couldn’t take
this for much longer—the heaviness of my heart, the despair in my
soul, the wretchedness that permeated my entire being. Just one
night of peace, that’s all I wanted. One night where I could shut
my eyes and sleep, and know no hurt, no pain, no discontent. I had
to try.

I laid my Bible
down on my chest and shut off the flashlight. I felt silly. I had
never done this before. I laid there for a minute, silent, staring
up into the dark—into the utter blackness. My heart was pounding.
After a few, deep breaths, I began.

“God, please,”
I begged silently into the night, “please, if you’re there … help
me. I … I need you. Please, if you’re real, show me. Help me to
believe. Help me, God. I’m calling to you in a desperate condition,
I can’t take much more. Get me out in the nick of time, God …
please; please … I beg you … help me ….”

I’m not sure
when the tears started, but I felt them wet and heavy on my cheeks.
I don’t know what I expected—some whisper in the dark perhaps, or a
hand heavy on my shoulder—but there was nothing, just dark and the
quiet surrounding me, unchanging.

But then, there
was something. I don’t know how to describe it … it was so subtle.
There weren’t any fireworks exploding within me or anything, it was
more like something just … clicked. Like whatever had been missing
before was suddenly found. Like the last piece of the puzzle was
finally in place. That’s not even it though; it was even more
delicate than that. Suddenly, I just knew that God was real. That
everything the Bible said was true. That my heart was beating for a
purpose, and that purpose was God.

Peace flooded
over me. More peace than I had ever known. I couldn’t explain it.
It was better than any high I’d ever had. More potent than heroin,
and … cleaner feeling. Like this peace was the right kind of peace.
Like a soft, warm blanket it enveloped me. I felt safer than I ever
had, more love than I had ever known. All my agony was gone, all my
sadness, all my guilt and despair. After a few moments of nothing
but amazing light-heartedness, all I could do was utter silent
thoughts of deep, sincere thankfulness. And sometime in the midst
of thanking God, I fell fast asleep, and stayed that way until
morning.

“
He led you out of your dark, dark cell, broke open the jail
and led you out. So thank God for his marvellous love, for his
miracle mercy to the children he loves ….”

Allison had to
shake me awake. “Mackenzie!” She called. “You’re going to be late
for breakfast.”

I stretched in
my bed, and yawned. I hadn’t slept so wonderfully in ages and
ages—I hadn’t felt such peace in my entire life. The moment I
opened my eyes I expected it all to come crashing down on me
again—the heaviness, the sorrow. And while I did still feel the
pain that came from losing Grey … it was more bearable than it had
ever been. And the peace … it remained. I couldn’t explain it … it
was just there. I smiled at Allison—like actually smiled, I felt so
hopeful. All this time my life had felt like the beginning of
night; dark, fretful and weary, with no end in sight. Now, I felt
the first light of dawn slowly creeping over the horizon of my
world, chasing the darkness and the shadows away, holding real hope
in its warmth. Like today was the beginning. Like nothing before
today even mattered.

My smile
surprised Allison so much that she actually frowned at me. I had
broken another unwritten rule between us, smiling upon waking
apparently was not allowed, not when in rehab. Part of me wanted to
share with her what I had experienced, what I had found in the dark
reaches of the night. But I knew that Allison wouldn’t appreciate
it, and this was all too new to me to have it sullied by someone
who didn’t understand. So, as much as the words were nearly
bursting out of me, just dying to be told, I bit my tongue. There
was only one person I was ready to tell. One person who would
really understand.

I nearly raced
to the meeting room that afternoon when it was time. Riley was
there, like usual, sitting behind the table and waiting for me. I
paused outside the door and just looked at him a moment. His dark
hair was still growing out from his buzz cut; it was thicker now,
nearly to his ears. He wore a burnt orange long sleeved t-shirt,
tight against his broad shoulders; and dark blue jeans that
accentuated his newfound muscular physic. His dark eyes were
staring down at the coffee cup he was gripping with both hands, as
if he were still chilled from the arctic-like weather we’d been
having.

He was the
same. He was different. I felt like I really knew him now, now that
I understood. I felt more connected to him than I had in a really,
really long time. With a smile on my face, I opened the door.

Riley was
nearly as shocked as Allison had been by the sincere expression of
happiness upon my face. He looked taken aback; he just stared and
stared at me a moment. The look on his face made me want to laugh
aloud, but I held back, giggling instead into my hand.

“I can’t
believe I’m laughing, Riley.” I shook my head. “I never thought I’d
laugh again.”

I didn’t have
to say it, but just from that sentence, Riley understood. The smile
he gave me then was unlike any smile he’d ever given me before. His
dark eyes were shining with tears as he came around the table and
wrapped me up in a tremendous hug.

“I’m so happy,
Mac.” He spoke into my ear. “You have no idea, how long I’ve … I’ve
been praying and praying.” He held me tightly. His arms were so
warm, so safe. I pressed my face against his chest and muffled my
laughter into his shirt.

“He’s real, Ry.
He’s really real.”

“I know. I know
he is.”

“I’m so ….” I
shook my head. How to describe it? “I feel so … light … so … happy.
I can’t believe it.” I looked up at my friend, worriedly. “Is it
wrong? Is it wrong to feel this good?”

“No.” Riley
held my arms in his warm, strong hands and answered me sincerely.
“No, it’s not wrong. As hard as it may be to believe, you do
deserve happiness, Mac.”

“But … will he
understand?” I wondered hopefully.

“Of course he
will.” Riley hugged me tightly against him. “Grey wants you to be
happy too.”

I pressed
myself against Riley’s hard chest and shut my eyes, knowing his
words to be true. I imagined Grey’s perfect face, his blue eyes
shining, his lips smirking as he whispered in my ear.

“
Live. Be
happy.”

I will be
happy, Grey, someday.

But I’ll never
stop loving you.

I tore into my
rehabilitation with such fervour that I took even myself by
surprise. I surprised everyone but Riley. He knew once I made up my
mind there’d be no stopping me. And he was right. Now, instead of
rolling my eyes at the twelve-step program, I deliberately and
wholeheartedly went through each one, embracing them as necessary
for my healing. I opened up with my personal therapist, allowing
him to recognize my utter lack of coping skills—how my answer to
stress or hurt or anger was to push it all away, choosing drugs and
alcohol instead of actually dealing with my troubles. Together, he
took me through healthy coping strategies, showing me how to deal
with my problems instead of ignoring them completely. Digging at
the root of my issues, he told me how my feelings of inferiority
with Marcy were completely unfounded. How we were two totally
different people—special and unique and gifted in our own way—and
that our parents loved us both, equally and as individuals.