Life of the Party (74 page)

“Yeah, it does.
Better than snow, anyway.” Riley looked up at the sky as well,
playing along with me. I stared at him a moment, suddenly overtaken
by just how badly I was going to miss him.

“I wish you
didn’t have to go.” I blurted foolishly.

His dark eyes
were serious on my face. “I don’t have to, you know.”

“No. You do.
You do.” Furiously, I blinked back my tears. “I’m sorry, I
shouldn’t have said ….” I couldn’t finish my sentence.

Riley looked
down at the steering wheel, his jaw clenching. “Don’t cry Mac,
please?”

“I’m sorry.” I
sniffed. “I just … I wouldn’t have made it without you … you
know?”

“Yeah … well,
you stay sober, and we’re even.” He smiled then, trying to lighten
the mood. “Deal?”

I nodded,
biting my lip to try and hold back the tears. This was still fairly
new to me, having to deal with the pain. Before, whenever I
hurt—for whatever reason—I would go and get high and therefore
solve all my problems. But now, I felt the full scorch of the pain
burning my lungs, throbbing in my chest. There was nothing I could
do but feel it. It hurt. It was deep, aching. Hollow.

“I don’t want
to say goodbye to you.” I admitted.

Riley was
silent a moment. “Come on, Mac. Your family’s waiting.”

Somehow, I
managed to get out of the car. I felt like I didn’t have the
strength to stand, my heart was pounding so profusely, aching so
abominably. I stood by helplessly as Riley grabbed my suitcase from
the trunk. Sensing my hesitation and always caring for me more than
himself—always putting my feelings above his own, Riley took my
hand in his and led me up the walkway.

“You can do
this Mac. I believe in you.” He squeezed my hand.

“Yeah …” But
there was no confidence in my voice. I focused on his hand around
mine, trying to draw some strength from him, holding on to
everything I could until the terrible moment when he left.

We stopped
before the door and Riley set my bag down on the stoop. I gazed up
at him, into the eyes of my best and oldest friend, and the pain
was so bad I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I held on to my resolve
by a tenuous thread. It’d be so easy to ask him to stay ….

“Goodbye,
Mackenzie.” He managed a smile, but I could see that he was hurting
too, that this goodbye was just as hard for him. He loved me, after
all.

“Goodbye,
Riley.” I choked out. The tears were coming, I couldn’t stop
them.

Tenderly, he
stroked my cheek, and I leaned my face against the warmth of his
palm. With my eyes locked in his dark gaze, Riley bent towards me
agonizingly slow, and then gently, he kissed me. It was light, and
his touch was soft, and his sweet breath on my tongue was warm and
familiar. But with it came … something else. Something totally
unexpected. Like a quick jolt of electricity that barrelled through
me. A spark. No—bigger than a spark. A current. When Riley pulled
away from me I couldn’t fathom it. I just stood there, stunned into
a stupor, blinking before me, reeling from the new sensation.

And then I
realized that he was gone. I looked for him, gasping, watching his
broad back as he made his way down the flagstone steps and back
towards his car. What the hell was that? I didn’t know what to do.
I felt like I should stop him, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t know
what to say. I didn’t have time to decide.

I took a step
towards him, my limbs trembling with uncertainty. He was at the car
now. All I had to do was call for him; all I had to do was shout
for him to stop. I opened my mouth but no words came, no sound. I
was frozen, rooted in place by the sheer depth of my indecision,
grounded by my hesitation … like I was in a nightmare or
something.

I heard the
door open behind me. “Mackenzie?”

I gulped,
tearing my eyes from Riley’s form, sparing a terrible moment to
turn around and find my mother’s smiling face, beaming in her
exuberance when she spotted me there on the step.

“You’re home.”
She smiled through her tears, swept me up into her arms and hugged
me as tightly as she could. I hugged her back, resting my face
against her soft, warm shoulder; holding back my tears, trying to
find some solace in her embrace from the sudden turmoil of my
emotions. I just didn’t know what to do. I was so confused, so …
unsure.

Then, with a
sinking heart, I heard Riley start the car behind us. I heard him
put it in drive, heard him pull out onto the street; heard the
sound of his engine slowly fading away into the distance. And I
knew that he was gone. I knew that Riley had left me, again, but
for good this time.

Mom smiled at
me through her tears. “Honey, I’m so proud of you.” Gently, she
stroked my hair back from my face, her eyes shining with sincerity.
“I’ve missed you so much.” And instinctively I knew that she didn’t
just mean the last three months.

I’d been gone
for years.

Mom put an arm
around me and led me into the house. I followed eagerly, welcoming
any distraction from the utter upheaval of my emotions, no matter
how awkward it might be. I tried to sniff back my sadness as I
entered, my distress. All along I’d known how hard it would be when
Riley actually left, but I had anticipated some … victory, some
relief in it as well. Like peace—knowing I had done something
selfless for once, something right.

All I felt now
was panic. I had to fight the urge to turn and run out the front
door, to run straight to Riley’s house and take it all back. To do
or say anything to make him cancel his flight and stay.

Why is it so
hard Riley? Why is it so hard to let you go?

I forced myself
to ignore it, forced a smile on my face; forced myself to focus on
the rest of my family, waiting in the living room beneath a
“Welcome Home Mackenzie!” banner that hung across the mantle of the
fireplace. Marcy was there, and Greg, and my dad—and from the
moment we walked in the door, they were all beaming at me.

Dad came right
over and hugged us both, kissing my hair, tears shining in his
eyes. He passed me over to Marcy, who whispered in my ear how
impressed she was by what I’d done. And even Greg—in an awkward,
brother-in-law kind of way—hugged me to him with great sincerity
and told me that I’d been missed.

I couldn’t have
asked for a better reception. It reminded me of Christmas—before my
parents had caught me using in their bathroom. I felt like I was
accepted again, like I was truly loved. For real this time. I sat
down on the couch and we caught up on the last three months. I did
most of the talking, but my family hung on every word, like they’d
never expected to hear me speak again, like every sentence was a
special gift. I wasn’t used to such attention; it was … touching.
Nothing was really said about Grey, but it didn’t have to be. I
knew they were all truly, deeply sorry for my loss. I knew now that
they wanted nothing but my happiness.

I had much to
say to them. In treatment, I had made it to step six and seven, and
now it was time to make my amends. Tearfully, I apologized for
everything I’d ever done. For lying and sneaking out, for my
terrible attitude, for stealing their money, for ruining Marcy’s
wedding … for everything. I wouldn’t let myself stop until every
guilty thought within my heart was brought into the light. And when
I was done, I knew I was forgiven. I knew that we could start again
with a clean slate. I knew I had a family that loved me, a family I
felt lucky to be a part of.

It was such a
weight off my shoulders. When we sat down to dinner, the
conversation around me was light and happy, like I should’ve been.
My confessions had been difficult, but they were over, and I should
have been relieved. I sat back and tried to join in the talk around
the table, tried to revel in the aura of celebration around me. But
I couldn’t. I’d been bothered all afternoon, nagged at by a
dreadful knot of worry gnawing away at my stomach. One I just
couldn’t ignore, no matter how I tried.

I couldn’t stop
thinking about Riley.

“So, where’s
Riley?” Mom wondered suddenly, as if reading my mind. “I thought
I’d see him here for dinner.”

I stared at her
a moment, my forkful of pot-roast halfway to my mouth. I raised my
eyebrows. “Uh … you did?”

“Yes.” She
smiled warmly at me. “I know he’s been visiting you. He comes here
almost every day after seeing you, to let us know how you’re
doing.”

I couldn’t
contain my surprise. “He doesn’t.”

“Yes, he does.
And I invited him for supper tonight too … but I guess he had
plans?”

“Yeah … he’s …
he’s heading back to school tonight.” I mumbled.

Mom nodded, and
then looked down at her plate, seemingly embarrassed. “I actually
have an apology to make, too, Mackenzie. I’m sorry. I was wrong
about Riley.” She looked up again, meeting my eyes. “He’s a fine
young man. And I really need to call his mother.” She added as an
afterthought.

I looked
despairingly at Marcy. “Seriously? Where’s my real mom?”

“I know.” Marcy
laughed. “But trust me, that’s her.”

“Riley really
came here every day?” I asked in amazement, intrigued. “What did
you talk about? What did he say?”

“He just told
us how you were doing. Some days not so good, other days really
good, most days, in between.” Mom winked at Marcy. “But almost
every day, he said you were more beautiful than ever.”

“He didn’t.” My
instant reaction was to deny it all.

“No, Mac, he
did.” Marcy nodded at me with a smile. “Seriously.”

I looked down
at my baked potato and speared at it uneasily with my fork. I could
feel my cheeks betraying me, could feel the crimson blush staining
my skin. Mom and Marcy exchanged a secret, knowing glance, like
they thought Riley’s sweetness was to blame for my sudden
discomfit. I mean, it was—but not only that … it was just …
everything. The sudden sinking feeling deep in my soul that told me
I had done the wrong thing by making Riley leave. The fearful,
nagging voice in my head that insisted it was the only way. And
then on top of everything else, the kiss I couldn’t seem to stop
thinking about. The crazy, unexpected spark that had erupted
between us and totally blew my mind, totally threw my whole being
off its well-intended course.

Anxiously, I
bit my lip and let my fork fall with a clatter on my near empty
plate. My heart was pounding and a panicked sweat ran cold over my
tensed limbs. I just didn’t know what to do, and time was running
out. I needed to talk to someone about it, someone who knew me,
someone who’d understand, who’d really get the situation.

The person I
needed was Riley. But he was out of the question, and without him,
there was no one left. No one left to talk to, no one left to turn
to ….

No. That wasn’t
true. My eyes widened as a sudden thought occurred to me—a horribly
dangerous, wonderfully appealing idea. Of course. Charlie. I had
Charlie. She knew me, she’d understand. Once upon a time, we had
told each other everything. And suddenly, I was desperate to see my
old friend again. To talk to her, to laugh with her, to let her
know how badly she’d been missed. To hear from her lips the answer
to my problems.

And she was so
close now ….

“Mom, do you
mind if I go out for a bit?” I asked abruptly. “There’s something I
need to do.”

Everyone around
the table stopped and looked at me cautiously. I chuckled to
myself. “I’m not going to get high.” I reassured them. “I just need
to go … see someone.”

Mom tried
really hard not to offend me. “Who, sweetie?” She asked warily.

“Riley.” I
answered quickly the first name that came to my head, the only name
I could say without arousing further suspicion. It wasn’t really a
lie … I was going to go see someone
about
Riley. It was
basically the same thing.

“Oh.” Mom
nodded, smiling knowingly, even managing a wink towards my older
sister. Everyone around the table relaxed. Everyone but me. I bit
my lip restlessly.

“Do you want to
take your car, hon?” Dad asked. “The keys are next to the
door.”

“No, it’s okay.
I think I’ll walk.” I got up and grabbed my jacket, quickly
shrugging into it. “It’s still pretty nice outside.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t be too
long, honey.” Mom admonished.

“I won’t.” I
promised. With a quick wave, I headed out the door.

I lit a smoke
as I walked. Charlie lived down by Riley, by the trailer park, so I
had a way to go. The cool air helped clear my head, helped calm my
racing heart. But I still felt oddly … frantic. Like I needed to
hurry, like I needed to get to Charlie’s house before I realized
just how stupid I was being, hurtling recklessly towards the exact
situation that I’d feared—the people, the substance … the
temptation. But my mind was made up. Charlie could help me; I knew
it. I couldn’t go back now. I quickened my steps and tried to
distract myself—tried to ignore the quiet, urging voice of reason
within me—focusing instead on the streets I passed by, taking in
the sights of my old, familiar town.

A wave of
nostalgia hit me as I walked. I realized wistfully that although I
had grown up here, although I had lived my entire life here,
already it didn’t feel like home to me. Everything looked the same,
but it was all … different now. Like something had changed in the
last three months I’d been away … something I couldn’t name, but
definitely couldn’t ignore.

I threw my
smoke into the street, put my head down, and hurried on.

My heart was
pounding nervously as I finally approached Charlie’s apartment. I
knew that Riley wouldn’t approve of what I was doing. I knew that
my sponsor would be having a shit-fit. But I needed to see my
friend. I just wanted to talk to her, that’s all. I wasn’t going to
get high, I wouldn’t even smoke weed or have a drink. I just wanted
to talk.