Life of the Party (75 page)

I trudged up
the old, icy, treacherous stairs, bombarded by memories as I
knocked on the door. How many times had I fled up these steps,
drunk, high … a bit of both. I bit my lip uncertainly as I heard
slow, sluggish footsteps coming to the entry.

“Holy shit!
It’s Mackenzie!” Charlie exclaimed with as much enthusiasm as she
could muster, her beautiful face lighting up at the sight of me. I
expected to feel the same happiness in seeing her, but the moment
the door opened I felt stricken—felt my heart sinking heavily in my
chest. I managed a smile though, and stepped inside the apartment,
accepting Charlie’s exuberant hug.

“Baby, you look
good.” She decided, giving me a once over. “Rehab has done wonders,
hey?” Charlie giggled. “Hey guys, look who it is!”

Charlie was
high, I could tell. I looked over into the living room. Alex was
there—wasted—with Courtney leaning drowsily over his lap. Were they
together now? And Zack was sprawled across the couch. He looked up
at me and smiled hazily.

“Mac, how’ve
you been?” Zack was the only one capable of speech.

I couldn’t
answer. I looked wildly around the room. Once it had been homey and
comforting, but now it seemed dirty … dark, depressing. Needles
were scattered across the coffee table. Beer bottles were upturned
on every surface. The entire room bespoke of gloom, of oppression
and just … desperation. Even Charlie, as beautiful as she was, I
saw in a different light. Her blue eyes were glazed over, her tiny
frame sunken in. My spirit squirmed within me, my soul revolted,
and it took everything I had not to run straight out of the room. I
couldn’t be there. I loved Charlie, I loved Alex and Zack, but I
couldn’t be there. The air was thick with despair; I could feel it
in every breath I took, choking me with its heaviness, with its
misery.

Now that I had
seen the light, the darkness was blinding.

My craving
roared to life within me, like gas thrown on a fire, but now there
was no power in its demand. Because I knew, that I knew, that I
just couldn’t do it. That it wasn’t for me, not anymore. It was
terrifying—empowering—but for the first time in my life, I knew
what was right. I knew which way to go, which direction to choose,
which course would bring me life. And all of them lead me away from
there. Far, far away from there.

“I’m so glad
you’re back, man, I’ve missed you.” Charlie smiled. “Here, let me
take your coat.”

“No.” I shrunk
away from her. “No … I’ve gotta go.”

“What?” She
blinked at me. “But you just got back.”

“I know.” I
didn’t know how to explain it to her. I didn’t want to hurt her.
“I’m sorry Charlie, but I have to go. I can’t stay here.”

Her eyebrows
creased together. “What do you mean, you can’t stay here? What are
you, too good for us now?” She seemed genuinely offended.

“No. No.
Charlie, I love you.” I insisted. “I just have to go.”

“Fine. Go
then.” She scoffed, crossing her arms. “What’s stopping you?”

Nothing.
Nothing was stopping me. I hugged her abruptly—she was stiff with
anger in my arms—and then I hastened for the door. I felt terrible
for doing this to them, to her, but I couldn’t explain it. As badly
as I wanted to be their friend, as badly as I would miss them, I
knew that past was forever off limits to me now.

And it was then
I realized what had irrevocably changed over the last three
months.

Me.

My steps were
heavy as I made my way down the rickety old stairs, saddened by my
discovery, resigned to it. I knew it was inevitable—necessary,
even—but still I wished it could be different. I wished I could be
friends with them and live my new life as well. It was impossible
though, they just weren’t for me anymore—none of it was. I knew
that now.

With a sigh, I
sat down on the bottom step and lit a cigarette, just as the first
drops of rain began to fall, pattering around me. And suddenly,
like the rain, it hit me. Suddenly, I understood. Why Riley had
left me all those months ago, how he could’ve left me, even though
he loved me. It was the same as Charlie and I. I wanted to stay
with her, I loved her, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t ….

“Holy shit!” I
exclaimed in surprise, abruptly getting to my feet, gasping at the
realization that shook my entire world. It hit me like a ton of
bricks, like a kick in the guts. Riley had left me; he left me
because he had to. But then he came back. He came back because he
loved me.

And I loved
him. I loved him.

It took mere
seconds before I was running down the street, as fast as I
could—desperate, fighting the ice slick with rain, fighting the
clock. How could I not have realized? How could I have ignored it
for so long? Of course I loved Riley. Hadn’t I always loved Riley?
I’d loved him forever, but I’d been fighting it this whole time.
Blocking it all out on purpose, for fear that it would ruin the
best thing I’d ever known. That it would wreck us permanently.

But now, a new
fear fuelled my aching muscles; pushed them to keep moving. I was
panicked, terrified by my actions, afraid that I had made the
biggest mistake of my life telling Riley to leave. I loved him—I
knew that now, and I would love him with everything that remained
of my broken, selfish heart. It was all I had, but it was all for
him, and he needed to know that. He had to know that before he got
on the plane.

I turned the
corner of his block, slowing in tangible relief when I saw his car
was still there, parked in the drive. It was idling noisily, ready
to go—I had barely made it. But there was still time. Time for me
to say what I had to say, time for him to hear what he had to hear.
My heart was hammering in my chest as I approached, my lungs
burning from the effort. But I had made it.

I was soaked
but I didn’t feel the cold. My dark hair hung damp around my
shoulders, curly from the rain. My face was pelted with the icy
drops. My jeans were wet up to the knees from the frantic puddles I
had jumped through. But it was worth it. I ran up to Riley just as
he loaded his suitcase into the trunk.

“Mackenzie?” He
looked up at me in surprise and slammed the trunk shut. “What the
hell are you doing here?”

I stopped
before him, panting, totally winded, and took a moment to catch my
breath. I braced my hands on my knees.

“I need to stop
smoking.” I wheezed.

“Yeah, I’ll
say.” Riley chuckled. “What’s going on?”

I wiped the
rain from my face. “I just … I need to tell you something. Can we
…?” I motioned to his car. “Can we talk?”

“Sure.” He
looked confused; his dark eyes gazed over me with concern. “Is
everything okay?”

“No.” I
answered, opening the passenger door of his car. “It’s not
okay.”

We climbed into
the car and shut the doors. The rain pattered lightly on the
windshield, tinny on the roof. We sat in silence for a moment. I
could feel Riley’s eyes on me, but I couldn’t start, not yet.
Instead, I studied the familiar interior of his car—the purple
velour upholstery, the cracked, broken dashboard. I rubbed my hand
over it, smiling wistfully. All the hours we’d spent in this
vehicle together, cruising aimlessly, getting high, laughing,
talking, fighting, arguing. It felt right that it should happen
here, the culmination of our relationship. It was poetic,
almost.

“Mac, come on.”
Riley shook his head in exasperation. “You’re killing me here.”

I blurted it
shamelessly. “I went over to Charlie’s house.”

“You did
what?”

I knew he’d be
pissed. It made me smile, knowing him so well.

“Why the hell
did you do that? After all you’ve been through … after all your
work? That was so stupid.” He shook his head in avid
disappointment. “I can’t believe you. I can’t believe you’d just
throw it all away like that.”

I rolled my
eyes. “Will you calm down? I didn’t get high or anything. I just
wanted to see her again, you know? I missed her. I missed
them.”

“Oh.” Riley
relaxed in his seat, letting out a breath of relief. “Well, it was
still stupid of you. You knew what they’d be doing. You knew what
they’d have there.”

“I know.” I
relented. “I know it was stupid. And the moment I walked in the
door … I felt it. Such … unease. I could feel how … how wrong it
was. The entire atmosphere of that room was so, heavy. Like, life
sucking. Suffocating. I don’t know. I don’t really know how to
describe it.” I shook my head, blinking back to the present. “I
just knew I couldn’t be there anymore. I knew that life wasn’t for
me anymore.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” I took
a deep breath. This was the hard part. I bit my lip and looked over
at my friend, at my best friend, at the man who knew me in every
single way. He’d seen me at my best; he’d seen me at my worst. And
still, somehow—he loved me.

“I get it now,
Riley. I get why you couldn’t be with me, why you had to leave me
last summer. But it hurt me, deeply, and I’ve held it against you
ever since.”

“I’m sorry,
Mac, I—”

“No. Let me
finish.” I stopped him, gathering my courage. “I know now that you
couldn’t help it. I know that you … that you still loved me, even
though you had to leave.”

Riley nodded
silently.

“And I know why
it hurt me so badly. Why I couldn’t take the pain … why I’ve been
so … unreasonably angry with you about it.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.” I
nodded, and took a breath. “I love you, Ry.”

Riley stopped.
He just stared at me, stunned into silence.

So I
continued.

“Every part of
me loves you.” I admitted. “I think I have forever, I don’t know,
but I just realized it now. It’s not like Grey … it’s not more than
Grey, it’s not less than Grey … I can’t even compare the two of
you. It’s just different. But it’s the same, too. It’s … it’s …
deeper, because I know you so well … and you know me ….” I gazed up
into his warm, dark eyes—eyes I’d never been able to live without.
“You know me better than anyone.” I grasped his hand. “You’re my …
my breath. Riley, you saved my fucking life.”

He didn’t
speak. He didn’t answer. He just smiled and pulled me to him, into
his warm, strong arms, and then he kissed me like our lives
depended on it. It felt so right, so natural. And the spark from
before ignited like I never thought possible, like I never could
have imagined until—even despite being soaked from the rain—it felt
like we might both start on fire. The feel of his lips, the taste
of them … I couldn’t get enough.

When at last he
released me, I smiled up at him, staring breathlessly into his
handsome face. As happy as I was, I felt I had to say it.

“You know there
are a million reasons why this won’t work out, don’t you?”

“Really.” He
smiled, humouring me. “Name one.”

“We fight,
like, constantly.”

“Hmm ….” He
kissed me again, lightly. “That just means we’re
communicating.”

I lost my
concentration for a moment. I couldn’t believe that Riley could
have such an effect on me. I couldn’t be close enough to him. I
took my hand and weaved it into his, lacing our fingers together.
“And, I don’t want to be the one to tell you this,” I grinned, “but
you are
really
bossy.”

“Only because
you’re so stubborn.”

“Plus, really,
you’re kind of a square now. What are we going to do for fun? I
mean, you don’t even swear anymore. When was the last time you
dropped the F-bomb, huh?”

“Mackenzie?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”
Riley smiled, and he looked down at me then like I was his greatest
wish come true. His look said it all; his look took my breath away.
When he kissed me, I smiled. I knew that none of it mattered. There
may’ve been reasons why we wouldn’t work, but I knew why we would.
Because we were Riley and Mackenzie.

Because we
belonged together.

“I love you so
much.” I whispered. Every time I said it, the realization shook me.
I ran my hands through his hair and stroked his smooth cheek and
revelled in the warmth of his arms around me. Mine to discover.
Mine forever.

“Let’s go
inside. Get you some dry clothes.” He grinned, kissing my hand,
holding my gaze as he took the key out of the ignition. The engine
shuddered into silence.

“But, aren’t
you going to miss your plane?” I eyed the clock warily, instantly
saddened by the thought. I was the one who told him to go; who
forced him to leave. I knew I had no right to ask, but I just
couldn’t help myself. I wanted him too badly.

“Please don’t
go Riley.” I blurted pleadingly. “Please stay with me.”

Riley chuckled
fondly then, and tucked a lock of long, wet hair behind my ear, his
fingers lightly brushing my cheek. “Mackenzie, I’ve waited years
for you to say you love me.” He grinned wickedly. “If you think I
could leave you now, you’re fucking insane.”

And for that, I
had no argument.

People say that
God doesn’t work miracles anymore. They long for the Bible days,
desperate to witness the hand of God moving in obvious ways like he
did back then. Holding the sun in the sky, turning water to wine,
raising people from the dead. But I know better. I know God works
miracles. He worked one in me.

Once upon a
time, I was lost. Lost; but blind to my aimlessness. Searching
desperately, seeking always for something to satisfy my soul, for
something to fill me up. Looking and striving and toiling in vain
for the answer.

Who knew I
would find what I was looking for, the second I stopped
searching.

I’ve never been
worth saving. I’ll never be worth saving. I thank God every day for
his grace, for stretching out his hand and pulling me from the mire
of my life, the mess I had created, and saving me.