Live to Tell (11 page)

“Yep. Olly and I were at school together and I belonged to the school’s Army Cadet Force. He didn’t, but we had one thing in common, a common bond, if you like. We were both being given a hell-of-a-time by our families. My father was appalled that I wanted to join up. His knowledge of matters military came from his time as a National Serviceman and he looked on soldiers as a lower form of life. He told me I’d completely wasted my education.”

I felt shocked that anyone could think that way about this intelligent and rather beautiful man. “Well, you seem pretty sharp to me. Couldn’t you be trusted to decide your own fate? You must have had reasons for wanting to do it.”

“Ever since I was small—well all my life really—I’d always loved camping and that sort of stuff. You know, like in the scouts. And I wanted to join the infantry. It was the only thing I was interested in, but at the selection centre they pegged me for the Royal Signals and persuaded me I’d have a much better life and see more action. So I switched. Basically, the day I signed on, my family cut me adrift. The Army’s my family now. Olly, on the other hand, bowed to his father wishes. That’s why he went to South Africa. His father’s a surgeon, and is determined Olly’s going to follow in his footsteps. Well, you probably know that.”

“No, I didn’t,” I replied. “I hardly knew him at all. I even thought his name was Joe.”

Danny laughed and shook his head. “That was about as far as his rebellion got. He hated the name Olivier, thought it sounded too foreign. That’s why he decided to call himself Joe. Trouble is the rest of us always called him Olly. When we were all in Italy that summer, we had just finished a gap year, and it was crunch time for both of us. My father was determined I’d go to university. Olly’s was determined he would study medicine. I was the only one who won, and lost most of my family in the process. Now, as far as I know, ’cause no-one’s had a peep out of him, since he went away, Olly’s been packed off to medical school. And not just any old college. Oh no, only the Christiaan Barnard Institute. The trouble is he hates the sight of blood. Imagine a surgeon who can’t stand blood. I’d make a better one than him.”

He laughed again and I found myself laughing with him. What Danny had just said, caught me by surprise and feeling silly and wrong footed. It seemed I didn’t know Joe at all. At least it was true about him going away that week though. It wasn’t just his way of giving me a quick brush off. And
no-one
had heard from him at all since he went away, Danny said. It was puzzling. And Danny’s family had thrown him out just for joining the Army? Wow.

I didn’t want to talk about our first meeting in Italy in case he asked awkward questions about Joe, and I couldn’t talk about my recent life because of what had happened to Aidan, so the conversation seemed safer sticking to our families.

“All that you’ve said, it makes me realise how lucky I am. I’ve never had any trouble from my mum and dad. Well nothing important, just trivial things they’ve got in a tizz about. Don’t you miss them, though? I just take my dad for granted but he’s always there if I need him.”

He shrugged. “I’ve learnt to manage on my own. The things I need, they can’t provide.”

He looked at me for a second and said quietly, “Your hair looks really pretty like that. Shall we order?” Then, he reached out and stroked my cheek. Some specks of glitter fell onto his hand.

At the end of the evening, I let him drive me back to the Maida Vale apartment block that I lived in but knew that I could not invite him in. I felt worried about Aidan and thought that meeting a stranger would be too difficult for him.

“My house mate’s going into hospital tomorrow for an operation,” I said, when the car stopped. “It’s a bit traumatic so I can’t ask you in, but thank you for a wonderful evening. I really enjoyed it.” I opened the car door but he caught hold of my arm.

“Hold on a minute. Can’t I see you again? I’ve really enjoyed tonight being with you.”

Feeling suddenly embarrassed, I looked down, “Oh, well, thank you. I’ve er… That would be nice.”

“I’m away all next week. I know that sounds terrible, but it is the truth. Can I see you when I return? I’ve got to go on exercise on the North York Moors and it’s bloody cold up there. It would be nice to have something to look forward to when I get back.”

“Well, you know where to find me. I’m in the pub every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.”

“No. That’s no good. I want to make a proper arrangement, a time, a place and a date. Please.”

“You tell me, then.”

So we arranged to meet in two weeks time but I didn’t allow him to kiss me. I placed my fingers on his lips instead. I felt I had too much to think about.

Aidan was in hospital for several days. Because it was a planned operation, rather than the emergency repair work carried out on him previously, everything seemed much calmer, although he was in a lot of pain. I was able to visit him most nights, between work, and went to college during the day. After coming home he became even more reclusive. I thought he would pick up after the operation but he was quiet and introspective.

Dressing and preparing to meet Danny was taking even longer than the time before. I wanted to make a really good impression so I started to get ready even earlier. I was anxious to be finished on time because he was picking me up from home, and I knew Aidan wouldn’t want to see him. Or rather, Aidan wouldn’t want Danny to see him. I was just putting on my coat when the door bell sounded, so I grabbed my bag and skipped out. I shouted goodbye but Aidan had gone into his room and didn’t answer.

Danny was wearing a leather jacket with the collar turned up and he looked really pleased to see me.

“Hi,” he said and leaned forward to kiss me on the cheek. “I thought we could go for a pizza, then maybe a club.”

To my surprise, he parked in Regent Street, in central London, outside Hamleys Toy Shop and we walked in the direction of Piccadilly Circus.

After we had eaten, he led me up a back street past a load of dust bins, to where a mauve neon light was flashing the word
Byblos
.

“This is the best club, I know,” he said. “They don’t just play the new stuff. They boot it up with a load of retro, too.”

The atmosphere inside the club was electric. Pulsating strobe lights caressed the bodies of the dancers and the noise level was so high, the place seemed on fire. The rather glamorous young woman, who was taking the money at the door, ignored me but gave Danny a confident smile. She obviously knew him well and looked as if she liked what she saw and wanted to delay his re-joining me.

We found a table, but it was obvious Danny didn’t want to linger there. As soon as our drinks were delivered, he grabbed my hand. Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough was pounding out, followed by an old Donna Summer hit, then Let’s Go Round Again. He clapped his hands above his head and twirled me round and round. I was mesmerised by him. He made it feel so exciting and we rocked in time to the beat, in time with each other. He caught me round the waist and spun me backwards and forwards until I thought I was going to ignite.

“John Travolta’s got nothing on me,” he shouted.

I put my hand on my head. “Slow down, slow down,” I cried, laughing. “You’re killing me.”

“Can’t hear you,” he lied.

One song merged into another and the pace got faster and faster. Then, when I felt close to collapse, the drumming beat started to slow. A quiet, mellow tone emerged, the strobe lights died, and the music scaled down into The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by Roberta Flack. He held out his hands to me and, gratefully, I sank against his chest.

It felt like coming home. I wanted to put my arms around his neck but he stopped me, gently placing them about his waist instead. He wrapped me in his arms and as we revolved slowly, in the dark, he took my face in his hands and kissed me. The kiss lasted forever. The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face became Endless Love, and the kiss lasted; the longest kiss I had ever had.

When finally he took his mouth away from mine, he whispered, “I’ve wanted to do that to you, since the first time I saw you at Flavio’s. But you were there with Olly, and I thought I didn’t have a prayer.”

What could I say? I’m Not In Love started to play, and I knew it was no longer true. I needed him, like no other, ever before.

The night passed in a dream and it was almost two o’clock, when he took me home and stopped the car outside my apartment. He leaned over to kiss me goodnight and I held him tight, unable to express my emotions.

“Would you like a cup of coffee,” I asked, feeling a bit shy and awkward.

“Are you sure it’s alright? What about your housemate?”

“Bound to be in bed,” I said, “and if we’re quiet it will be OK.”

As soon as I opened the door and walked into the hall, I knew something was wrong. From the living room, a blue, irregular light was visible from the television although the sound was switched off. Dropping my bag, I ran to the sofa where Aidan’s inert body lay. His head phones were clamped to his ears and he must have fallen asleep, because when I touched his shoulder he gave a little moan and opened his eyes. The stench of stale Irish whiskey, coupled with sweat, permeated the over-heated room.

Danny followed me in and appeared at my shoulder. Aidan let out a cry and clutched at one of his baseball caps, ramming it down on his head, and delved about for his crutches. Grabbing at one that had fallen to the floor he pushed himself up and tried to hobble away.

“Here, let me help you mate,” Danny said trying to take hold of him under his shoulders, but Aidan pushed him roughly aside.

“Leave me,” he said and hopped away down the passage to his own room, slamming the door behind him.

I felt terrible.

“I’m sorry. He’s been ill,” I said lamely.

“It’s alright. I’d better go. I’ll pass on the coffee, but thanks anyway.”

His lips brushed my cheek and he turned on his heel and walked out.

Biting my lip and trying not to cry, I quietly closed the door behind him. I locked it automatically, turned off the television, turned down the thermostat on the heating; then I went to my own room.

Like an automaton, I took off my clothes, cleaned my face and climbed into bed, forgetting to clean my teeth. Huddled under the bedclothes, I started to sob. I hated Aidan. I hated the conditions we were living in, and worse, I hated myself. It wasn’t Aidan’s fault, I knew that, but my life was in tatters now because of him. I buried my face in the pillow, as the tears flowed. “Danny, Danny, Oh, Danny,” I cried.

CHAPTER FIVE
 

The next day was Saturday and I deliberately stayed late in my room. I lay in bed feeling miserable. Then I got up, took a shower, and went into the kitchen. Aidan was sitting at the kitchen table reading, but looked up when I came in. We both said “Sorry,” at the same time and I gave him a hug, trying to hide my unhappiness.

“He seemed a nice bloke. Hope I haven’t wrecked it for you,” he said miserably.

“Oh, he’s just a friend. He’s in the Army, not around much. I’ve known him a long time, since I was at school.”

That evening, I went to work as usual in the pub, but although I watched the door to the bar all night, Danny didn’t come.