Lizard World (20 page)

I had
long admired the experimental enterprise of botanists who, despising the old-maidish formality of nature’s laws, had ventured to transmute -- not alone the outward appearances, but the very inmost essences of vegetables. The chaste rose, by way of example, will not readily admit to her bed the promiscuous embraces of an alien flower. Yet, against her will, she may be enforced to conceive and bring forth those choice vegetable monsters which the botanists call mules. The uncultivated pear begets but an indifferent, dull and lumpish fruit. Yet, when cleanly dismembered and surgically engrafted on a medlar, it will bring forth a smaller, brighter and altogether far more pleasant dainty. Might not a barnyard cock, then, when engrafted on a nightingale, be made to sing a more melodious tune?

  
   
’Twas in the midst of suchlike inebrious thoughts, returning from another day of indignities and care to the solitary refuge of my cabinet, that I chanced to find a bloodied rabbit dead upon the threshold of my chamber door. At the first I did fancy that some one of his Lordship’s dogs, in requital of the scraps I had given it at table, had left this for a gift upon my door-sill. And indeed, I would scarce have cared to think the more of it, had I not, upon the morrow, waked to find a largish bone, yet fraught with meat and moist with an abundancy of slaver.

  
These and the like unsavoury offerings greeted me not twice nor thrice, but ever and again when I waked up or retired to the solace of my library. At length, the more I did come upon them, the more I did begin to suspect the malicious frolic of the scullion-boys. For I had oftentimes seen how these creatures did mock me from afar, railing upon my finery and aping my deportment when I passed, only because I would sooner have supped alone with my books than had the company of their coarse ways. But such scurviness being nothing to the point, I speak of these numerous offerings upon my door-sill by way of penance for my abominable sin -- and because their shameful remembrance puts me upon mentioning that it was at this time or thereabouts that a most signal alarum disturb’d his Lordship’s household.

      
His Lordship’s distemper had -- as I have elsewhere had occasion to remark -- every now and again disposed him to the commitment of most assuredly distressing and regrettable acts of violence. By the by, I have ever been of opinion that his Lordship, on this head, must be deemed -- by any reasonable and philosophic mind -- as altogether pitiable and blameless. The baneful bite of a rabid dog is, after all, laid not to the account of the suffering animal but to the madding and morbifick agency of the disease. But, be that as it may, the disagreeable fact of it is that certain most lamentable incidents did now and again betide. Happily, such sad occurrences had been but few, the misfortunate victims far beyond recognizance and, in any event, of a station so very humble that their loss was not like to have occasioned an overmuch excess of enquiry. Howsoever, at the fateful juncture of which now I speak, a yet more untoward circumstance did unluckily befall; for now the deplorable object was not, as heretofore, a mere bloodied and indistinguishable lump of humanity, but a vicar’s house-keeper -- an aged and silver-haired good-wife of the most venerable Christian character.

      
It would be to very small purpose to detail the sad particulars of this troublous affair. Suffice it, that these murthers were at length laid to some poor lunatick fellow, such a one as is oftentimes seen a-begging or a-babbling nonsense in the street or a-lying foul’d and drunken in the gutter. But not to dwell upon so distasteful a remembrance, this wretch had no sooner been, most regretfully, hanged and disembowelled, than old Frobin gan to harp upon the needfulness of keeping a strict watch upon his Lordship, lest such a very perilous predicament should once again arise.

      
It was in this wise that I was now (altho’ in an office most plaguily ill-becoming my profession) at the last permitted to wait upon his Lordship’s person. For albeit Frobin still did not admit of my attending his Lordship in the character of a surgeon (for which employment I had so long and assiduously studied), yet he did think nothing of it that I should now forego the luxury of sleep and the sustenance of my books in order that I might become the butler, sport and lackey of my betters. For it was I who was now encharged to be the night-watch -- an office which, till well past midnight, did comprise fetching snuff and claret and piss-pots to the gaming-table -- until finally, assoon as ever his Lordship and all the quality were abed, I was given leave to keep sentinel in a dusky gallery and endure the drowsy hours until dawn.

      
But ’twas not the exceeding wearisomeness of these vigils, but the manifold indignities of menial service that were by far the greater burden of my task. Yet ev’n such abasement might almost have been supportable, had his Lordship’s fine company not so oftentimes been pleased to divert themselves at my expence. For it did afford them much ravishing amusement that my nose was over-long, that my waistcoat was not silk, that my demeanour was reserved and grave beyond my years, that I was as yet a stranger to the service of Venus and much disposed to blush -- all assuredly most laughable qualities which this noble company contriv’d to improve by obliging me to snuff and sneeze, to bark upon all four like a dog and the like excellent pleasantries which, perforce, I had needs must suffer. Of the gentlemen of quality who vouchsafed to interrupt their gaming for such sport, I bring to remembrance a number of brocaded gallants, but in especial the Viscount Chommeley, an over-large and over-loud glutton of whom I shall speak more anon. Of the set of females with whom these worthies did disport I shall content myself to say little. Indeed, modesty and decency forbid that I relate to what manner of unbridled licentiousness and shameless sin I was then, despight of my repeated protestations, the most scandalized and reluctant witness. Indeed, the more vigorously I did assay to ‘scape these nets of shocking sin, the more did these veriest harlots shamelessly discover to me the secretest and most ambrosial bowers of their persons, redoubling my hot blushes with their laughter and endeavouring the more to enflame my ardour by the unmentionable liberties of their abandon’d and luxurious caresses.

      
’Twas in the blear-eyed dawn following upon such a night of devilish humiliation and inutterable lewdness, that I chanced, once again, to find a bloodied gift upon my door-sill. Of late these abominable offerings had, invariably, been squirrels. It was, at a very certainty, the singular circumstance that this particular squirrel yet was alive, spasmodic and oozing -- together with the far-off clatter of foot-falls -- that did prompt me to look up. So it was, down the darksome distance of the corridor, that I at last did see the misfortunate Cyclops -- now a-shambling away upon two legs, now a-falling upon all four as if, like some variety of ape, it were uncertain which posture were the better suited to its nature.

      
I can scarce convey what extremity of queasy-stomach’d astonishment and bewilder’d surmise did now, of a sudden, overtake me. When I had, heretofore, ascribed these bloody gifts to the sportive cruelty of the scullion-boys, I had seen no reason for alarm. But now a host of vile apprehensions swarmed upon me and my one determin’d thought was to extract an explanation out of Potter.

  
This wretch, as I have told, was wont to importune me with his churlish and tedious harangues whensoever I was least disposed to suffer them. But upon this present occasion, despight of my distraught and breathless search, I could neither find him consorting with his bottle in the kitchen nor sleeping off his surfeit in the kennel. At length, howsoever, I happ’d to find him in the stable, amidst the mirksome fetor of a stall, a-standing with his shovel amongst the droppings that were, as it was most altogether fitting, his especial charge and care.

      
This cur was ever one to cringe and curry favour when at bay, but to demonstrate his incomparable insolence whensoever most he did smell out the tail of his advantage. ’Twas in this latter sort that the creature did now comport himself, a-shovelling and a-whistling and a-smirking, but all this while most damnably giving a deaf ear to all my questions. For tho’ my gorge did rise against it, I could not chuse but ask what more this scoundrel knew about the Cyclops. For some moments I was enforced to watch this fellow linger out his feculent business of shovelling. But at the length he did prevail upon himself to desist from this employment, the which he had no sooner done than, as if to make amends for his neglect, he straightways cast his arm upon my shoulder and drew his face so near that I did share the very spittle of his breath.

      
Thus, close embraced, was I now treated with the full savour of his person throughout the length of a honeyed and most nauseating confidence. For after he had ceased from an effusive pledge of friendship, he made bold to say that Frobin -- now old, much shaken by the terrors of mortality and desirous of continuing his race -- had a great mind to breed his only daughter. In fine, said Potter, he doubted not at all that I should never be admitted to the hump-back’s secrets -- if, forsooth, I should contrive to keep what pidling advancement I had gained -- unless I were disposed, as he was pleas’d to say, to jumble her. Indeed I well conceiv’d this scoundrel’s meaning, and yet I could not get a stomach for such meat.

It
is not, assuredly, to be wondred at that I did now most fervently pray for guidance and sorely debate with myself whether it pleased God that I should now quit his Lordship’s household for my former lodging, contenting myself once again to scrape up a small but honest pittance by doctoring the wretched poor and plying my reluctant trade in the dirt of midnight churchyards. In truth, had the Almighty’s Will not then been chiefest in my thoughts, I had far liefer have suffer’d the shipwreck of my ambitions and the consummate dolours and indignities of poverty than sullied the least jot of my gentlemanly honour. In point of fact I had no sooner risen up from prayer than I had steeled myself to take my reluctant leave of his Lordship on the morrow, resolving but this one last time to do his service as a night-watch.

      
Nor do I at all question, but that I should have presently indeed quitted his Lordship’s employment, had it not now been God’s pleasure to vouchsafe me a sign which I could neither misdoubt nor deny. In this regard, I must remark that I had but lately, once again, most exorbitantly and distressfully indebted myself -- to a bookseller for a worn yet singularly choice volume of Descartes. Gentlefolks -- who have never wanted for the gratification of their merest whim -- may perhaps cavil that my distress was well deserved inasmuch as I had spent beyond my means and reached above my station. But those who have never felt the irresistible pangs of an intellectual appetite nor foregone a meal for the purchase of a book can scarce conceive such a feverish and wasting urgency of thought. At all events, such was my doubtless unsuitable extravagance (in consequence of which this precious volume lay upon my table) as presently, yet again, I had need leave behind the refuge of my books to lackey and amuse my betters.

      
So once more did I hasten, with echoing steps up marble stairs and past the august gaze of pictured galleries, to wait upon these worthies and keep sentinel throughout the sleepless night. I shall not dwell upon my liveried attendance on their pastimes of harlotry and dice. Suffice it that, in my certain remembrance, the clock had just gone three when I heard his Lordship shriek. In ordinary course I must needs have waken’d Frobin. But upon this particular occasion the old hump-back had betaken himself somewhere -- I know not whither -- though I should scarce have cared if it had been, with a pox, to the very devil. In any case, the short of the matter is that the most exceeding honour of physicking his Lordship did now finally devolve on me.

      
Notwithstanding this one affrightful skreetch and a singularly melancholick moan whilst I hied me down the corridor, I heard not any the least sound from within his Lordship’s chamber when at the last I knock’d upon his door. It may well be conceiv’d that I did so with the utmost awe and hesitation, for it was most humbly and with all due submission that I now tendered my respects to so excellent a master. Indeed so chary was I of forwardness that I forbore to knock again and might well have gone away -- had I not then chanced to hear the very most faintest rattle of labour’d and unnatural respiration. Although, as I have said, I was most properly reluctant to presume, yet I could not well chuse but look within.

      
It is small wonder that I did now straightways nauseate, shudder and recoil -- so utterly unforeseen and withal so loathsome was the confused and twilit mass entangled amongst the bed-clothes on the floor. Methought it was, I dare say, some manner of bespeckled snake or monstrous worm which thus entwin’d amongst the sheets and outstretch’d its bloated breadth upon the carpet. Nor was it till I had traced its sallow twisting to the bristled prolongation of the rump-bone that I did finally recognise it as a tail.

      
I must needs own that I might then have fled away, were it not that once again -- and yet more loud -- I did hear that selfsame and most unhealthful rattle. In sooth, so engross’d had I been by the tail, that only now did I bethink me to look to the affliction of the head. I could not, of all conscience, deny that I heard his Lordship laboursomely fetching wind from beneath that disarray of satin sheets and damask coverlet. And yet I was not, as one might reasonably surmize, overmuch desirous to approach more near.