Lizzie's War (37 page)

‘Nineteen months and twenty-five days since I left you,' he said in a voice hoarse with emotion. ‘I've counted it to the minute and it's been like a lifetime. I couldn't write, Lizzie. If I'd done anything that could betray my cover it might have killed others – people who relied on me…'

‘You've been doing dangerous work for the Government, haven't you?'

‘Yes, things I couldn't tell you and still can't – but that doesn't matter now.' He glanced down. Betty was pulling at his sleeve, wanting him to rock the horse again for her. ‘She's so beautiful, our little girl…'

‘Yes, she is,' Lizzie said, ‘and the sweetest little angel you've ever known. She's quiet at the moment but sometimes she chatters away for hours…'

‘She's like her mother then…' His eyes were on her face, smiling as he said, ‘Betty loves the horse, just as I did when I was a child – and my sister. We shared this room until we were seven and then I went away to boarding school…'

‘You didn't tell me you had a sister?'

‘There are a lot of things I haven't told you, Lizzie.' His eyes were just as blue and just as bright, even though he'd changed so much. ‘Some of them I couldn't speak of – talking about Sarah was one of them. You see she died of diphtheria that summer, the summer I went away to boarding school – and I never saw her again. For a moment when I saw Betty I thought…'

‘You thought your sister had come back?'

‘Yes, just for a moment,' Sebastian looked so sad that Lizzie's heart caught. ‘I never came to this room after she died. Mother gave me another when I returned home for her funeral and then I went back to school – and later on to higher education in Germany…'

‘In Germany?'

‘Yes; before the Nazis really got going there were some excellent schools for young men like me. Now, I wouldn't be allowed there.' Sebastian smiled oddly. ‘My grandparents were Austrian Jews, Lizzie. My father married an Englishwoman and came to live here. He always wanted his parents to come and live with us – but they wouldn't leave Austria. They believed they were safe there even when my father warned them years before it all started that Hitler would destroy all the Jews if he could…'

‘What happened to them?' Lizzie asked in a hoarse whisper, because she'd read some of the horror stories in the newspapers about the way Jews had been treated.

‘They died before the war started,' Sebastian said, a nerve flicking in his cheek. ‘They were very old, Grandfather ninety-three and Grandmother eighty-nine. I think they never got over my parents' deaths…
they
were killed in 1936 on a visit to Austria. It was supposed to be a car accident, but I learned later that the brakes of their car had been tampered with. My father was an academic and he had been speaking out against the rise of fascism…'

‘Oh, Sebastian, no…' Lizzie's throat caught with tears. She looked at him, because he was like a stranger, someone she didn't know – had never met before, and yet if anything she felt closer to him than ever before. The man who was always teasing her, always setting her a challenge wasn't here; this man went deeper and had many scars that he'd kept hidden for years. He was a man she knew she could always trust, and share her thoughts with. ‘I'm so sorry.'

‘Don't be. It no longer hurts me.'

‘How long have you been here today?' her eyes were pricking.

‘I've only just arrived,' Sebastian said. ‘I went to your house but you weren't there. Miriam Oliver told me you might have come here – and then I saw the dust covers had been removed and heard Betty up here…'

‘We've had a picnic in the garden. I suddenly had a fancy to see the rooms without dust covers and then we found this room – I didn't know it was off limits. I'll take her out of here.'

‘Why? These things were made for children. If she enjoys them that is a good thing.'

‘You don't mind her touching Sarah's things?'

Sebastian shook his head. ‘No, that has all gone now. I was happy to see our daughter playing here, Lizzie.'

‘I'm glad…' Lizzie faltered, her throat tight. She was a little nervous of this stranger, even though when he'd kissed her it had seemed he was the same – her Sebastian, but their greeting had been instinctive. She could see that he had changed, suffered. Was he still there inside? She could only pray that whatever he'd suffered hadn't fundamentally changed the man she loved. ‘When did you get back?'

‘A couple of days ago. I've had hours of interrogation and debriefing, because I wasn't able to make contact for a long time – that's why they sent you that letter. It was thought I was probably dead, but I had to keep moving and the information I was gathering was sent in by various operators… I couldn't let anyone know it was me, because there was a traitor in the group and until I could expose him he would have betrayed me and others to the Germans…'

‘Should you be telling me this?'

‘No, probably not, but I want you to understand, to realize why I couldn't let you know I was still alive. I always intended to come back to you – but I had a job to do and I couldn't come back until it was finished – besides, it's over for me, Lizzie. I can't go back out there. Too many people want me dead because of things I did…'

‘Were you in a lot of danger?' she asked, sensing what it was costing him to talk about his experiences.

‘I worked at the German headquarters using a false identity for a time after I left the group…'

‘You worked for the Germans? Sebastian… you couldn't have changed sides?' Lizzie went cold all over as she remembered the books she'd seen on his shelf.

‘No, my darling, I had to make them think I was one of them; it was the only way to get close to certain people and obtain the information we needed. I was sent out there for that purpose, because my German was so good. Some of the group may have thought I'd changed sides for a while, but one person knew what I was doing all the time, even though he couldn't tell London for fear the traitor got wind of it… you see we didn't know for sure who he was until he made a fatal mistake, but he won't betray the group again.' A bitter smile twisted his mouth. ‘Believe me, no one hates the Nazis more than I do, Lizzie.'

‘Then why… why did you read that awful book upstairs?'

‘You mean Hitler's book?' He nodded and then laughed. ‘Did you think I'd gone over, Lizzie? No, my love. In my opinion it's always good to know the mind of your enemy; in his own way Hitler is clever, but twisted and evil, perhaps mad.'

‘No, I knew you couldn't have, but at first I couldn't understand why you would have such a thing. Did you get the information you wanted?' Lizzie was desperate to understand, because it hurt that he'd let her suffer so long. ‘Was what you did very important?'

‘Yes, it was very important, and I got what we needed in the end. There was a lot more to what I did, Lizzie – things I could never tell you, even if I wasn't bound by the secrets act… believe me, I'm not proud of them, but they had to be done.'

‘You were a soldier even if you didn't wear a uniform,' she said. ‘I expect most of you did things you didn't want to…'

‘Yes, I'm sure we all have…'

‘And they won't send you out there again?'

‘I doubt I'd be much use to them now – there's a price on my head and certain members of the German Gestapo would like to get their hands on me.'

‘Oh Sebastian…' Lizzie shivered. ‘Is that why you look so… tired?'

‘I think you mean old,' he said wryly. ‘It has been a hard few months, Lizzie. I'm hoping they'll give me a desk – or let me train… people like me…' He hesitated, then, ‘This is classified information, but I know it will go no further – the Germans are developing deadly new weapons. I was able to bring details of various sites back with me, but if they're not stopped it could prolong the war.'

Lizzie was shocked that he'd told her something that was obviously top secret. He was trusting her to keep his secrets and it humbled her, brought tears to her eyes as she said, ‘Things had seemed to be getting a bit better recently…'

‘Yes, I know, but the war isn't over yet, my darling. I wish I could say it was, but I'm afraid there's a long way to go…' He reached out and took her hands. ‘That's all I can ever tell you, my darling – is it enough to help you forgive me for causing you so much pain?'

Lizzie swallowed hard and then smiled and gripped his hands tight. ‘Yes, of course. I'm honoured you told me so much, and you know I shan't tell anyone – but I'm glad I understand a little bit of what you went through, Sebastian…'

‘I hate that there has to be any secrets between us, but there are still people in the field who could be in danger if I said too much to anyone…' He smiled, bent his head and kissed her. ‘Have you forgiven me?'

‘Yes, if there was anything to forgive…' Tears trickled down her cheeks, but they were tears of happiness. She could scarcely believe that he was here with her, alive and her own darling Sebastian, just as she longed so often. ‘It's so good to have you here, Sebastian. Would you like something to eat – and a hot drink…?'

‘Yes, please.' He smiled as she lifted Betty from the horse. ‘Did you say you'd had a picnic? I would love a proper cup of English tea… but I must wash my hands…'

‘I've got fresh milk in the refrigerator. I'll go down and put the kettle on…'

In the kitchen Lizzie went through the motions of boiling water, rinsing the teapot and setting out the cups and saucers. She settled Betty in the high chair that she now knew had been used by Sebastian's sister and gave her some orange squash and another bun, which she proceeded to crumble all over the tray in front of her.

‘Will you have to go away again soon?' she asked when Sebastian came back from the bathroom.

‘I still have some important people to talk to, but then I'll get a good long leave before they relocate me…'

‘Important people?' she asked uncertainly.

‘The very highest,' he said and grinned at her. ‘Winnie wants to see me next weekend. He's going down to Chequers and he's asked me to bring you and Betty… you'll have tea with his wife, Lizzie. Apparently, she's a fan of your hats…'

‘No!' Lizzie stared at him in utter disbelief. ‘You don't mean it – me having tea with Mrs Churchill…'

‘Well, why not? This is England, after all… and believe me, Lizzie, there's no other place like it in the world…'

‘Oh Sebastian…' Tears started to her eyes, because he was still the man she remembered and loved. ‘I've been so afraid… afraid that you were dead and I would never see you again.'

‘Lizzie, my love.' Sebastian put down his cup and got up, coming round the kitchen table to take her into his arms. The next moment she was sobbing into his shoulder; she just couldn't hold the tears back, as all the grief and fear of the past few years came pouring out of her.

‘I thought I might never see you again. I was so lonely…so empty without you. Nothing seemed to matter much. If it hadn't been for Betty…' She looked up at him tearfully. ‘I want us to have lots of children, Sebastian. I want us to be together and…'

Whatever else Lizzie had to say was lost as he kissed her. Such a sweet passionate kiss that her body felt as if it were dissolving with pleasure, melting into him. All the doubts she had, all the soul-searching she'd done, didn't seem to matter now that she was back in his arms. Maybe she didn't truly know the man she'd married, but he was still there, the man she'd fallen in love with – and she had years to discover all the rest.

*

Lizzie didn't go home that night. They slept in the room that had once belonged to Sebastian's mother, Betty in a big cot Sebastian had fetched from somewhere. She slept soundly after a day of playing with so many toys she didn't know which one to pick next, and since she'd cried when Lizzie had tried to part her from the teddy, it was tucked up in the cot with her.

Lizzie lay in her husband's arms after they'd made love over and over again. Neither of them wanted to sleep, because it was too good to be together, to touch and kiss and discover each other's bodies all over again. They had had such a short time together when they were first married that it was like another honeymoon, but perhaps even better. Having experienced a long parting, Lizzie wanted to hold him forever in her arms and so when she woke to find the bed cold beside her, she felt bereft and wondered for a moment if it was all a dream – but she wasn't in her own bed.

As she rose to pull on a dressing gown that smelled faintly of roses and which had also belonged to Sebastian's mother, she smelled bacon frying and ventured downstairs to the kitchen. Sebastian had Betty in the beautiful old-fashioned high chair and she was sucking a tiny piece of bacon and clearly enjoying the taste. Besides the frying bacon, tomatoes and eggs, there was already a rack of toast and some marmalade in a dish.

‘Where did all this come from?'

‘They gave me a new ration book so I went out and blew the lot on provisions,' Sebastian said and smiled. ‘I was going to bring a tray up in a few minutes, but Betty wanted a piece of bacon.'

‘She does like it,' Lizzie said and saw how happily her daughter was chomping away. ‘I mostly give her egg because it's easier for her, and we don't get much bacon now… you don't mind it then?'

Sebastian looked puzzled and then laughed. ‘Because my grandparents were Jews? No, my mother was a good Christian and brought me up to be the same. My father wasn't any religion really. I think he actually questioned the existence of a god, but he believed in allowing everyone to follow their own faiths. I might incline to his way of thinking these days – but to all intents and purposes I'm C of E, just like you…'