Long Division (25 page)

I gave it another hour, and then I could take it no longer. I left and made the rounds, wracking my brain for anywhere James would have gone. I went to his flat. He wasn’t there, from what his landlady said. I believed her. I went to the library, checked the aisles, but he was not there either. Fox’s? Nothing but a rather rude request for me to shove off.

Frustrated and defeated and in waning light, I trudged back to my flat, hoping to find he’d returned. He hadn’t, of course. So, without anything else to do, and near the end of my tether, I called Ashely.

I suppose she could sense by the sound of my voice something was off. She said she’d come straight away.

I was a mess of nerves waiting for her. It was as if simply telling her about the problem had made me come undone on the inside. I couldn’t stop thinking about those odd fits he’d have. Could he be somewhere, some alley or God-knows-where, all limp and helpless for some wanker who’d seen him on the telly to come along and—I had to stop myself. I’d make myself be sick if I didn’t.

‘James is missing,’ I said the second Ashely stepped inside. I tried to not sound panicked. I didn’t think it much worked.

She paused, hand still on the doorknob. She blinked at me in a way I may once have found endearing but only found all the more aggravating under the circumstances. ‘What? Since when?’ I could see the confusion written across her face. Trying to work it out. James missing, me fretting over it. I made it all sound too…
personal
and I could only pray she didn’t take it the way it had come off—the way it truly was.

I took a deep breath and told her—not about why I left, not about…about what had happened between us. I had to phrase it a bit differently. I didn’t want her to know James had been sleeping here. He was simply missing. That was what she needed to know. What I needed her to know.

‘Since yesterday afternoon,’ I finished weakly, collapsing on the sofa. ‘I’ve checked everywhere he’d be.’

Ashley gave me an odd look before sitting next to me. ‘Well, perhaps he’s someplace he wouldn’t be? Have you tried phoning him?’

I shook my head wearily. ‘No. You don’t understand. James doesn’t go places he doesn’t normally go. He’s very…strict that way. He sticks to certain routines and doesn’t deviate from them.’
Not until he’d begun spending his time with me, at least,
I thought grimly. ‘For James to go completely off the map like this…it’s not like him. It’s not normal. And he’s…got Asperger’s, I think. He can’t just disappear.’

She pulled out her own mobile. ‘You phoned the police yet? With all these Weird Mob Phenomenon happening, he could have been caught up in one, yeah? Yesterday was some pretty fucked up shit. He could have been caught up in that?’

Oh, he bloody well could. I shook my head instead. I hadn’t wanted to get police involved. James wasn’t exactly an upstanding citizen these days.

She pressed her lips into a thin line. I wasn’t sure if she disapproved or not. I watched in numb fascination as the numbers 9-9-9 went punching across the screen of her phone without her touch. InVizion Miracle Technology at work.

I distractedly listened to her talking to the police, giving a decent description of what James looked like, and when he’d gone missing. I mumbled what he was wearing. Or what I thought he was wearing. I hadn’t paid much attention to it till I was working it off of him. My stomach squirmed in a sickening manner.

The next couple of hours were a blur. Two officers came and I had to speak to them, and when they left, I felt no better. Now police were involved. James’s little stunt in the square couldn’t go unnoticed for ever, even with InVizion covering.

Ashely didn’t leave me. I was grateful for that. Company felt all the rarer these days, and female company, well, I could have forgotten that long ago. Even the few times I managed to find to spend with Ashley were so uncommon I never knew how to act. My time with James didn’t leave much for anything else. And now, on edge and stressed, I didn’t know what to do. Having her here now, moving about the kitchen, in my space, well, I hadn’t ever pictured. I tried to tell myself that she seemed to fit. That she was right.

Because James couldn’t be.

She was everything James was not, in every sense of the word. I could feel it like electricity in the air. I sat watching her, hands in my lap. I felt strange, exposed, like she could see what I’d done with James and was just waiting to bring it up. Like she knew. Ridiculous, of course; how could she know?

At last she came back to the sofa, setting a drink before me. She opened one herself and gave me a slight smile.

‘All right?’

I nodded, opening my own bottle. ‘Yeah, cheers.’ I stared at the table for a moment, struggling to find some way to express myself. I’d lost the ability somewhere along the way.

‘Listen,’ I managed at last, ‘thanks for all of this. You know you don’t have to stay—’

‘I want to,’ she interrupted me. ‘You forget that I know how James is. Perhaps not as well as you, but I know his...’ she paused, searching for the right word, ‘peculiarities. I understand your worry for your friend.’

Yeah,
I thought,
but you don’t understand what I may have done to him. You don’t know how I confused him. Loved him, then rejected him. I’d done to him—wanted to do to him—what I’d never considered doing to another man.
It threw my whole understanding of myself off-kilter and I could not begin to think of what it had done to James. The more I thought on James’s disinterest in it up until yesterday, the more I fretted that I’d fucked something up. Maybe he was disinterested for a reason.

‘I’ve fucked everything up,’ I mumbled, only realising I’d said the words as they tumbled from my mouth.

Ashley blinked at me. ‘What on earth do you mean?’

‘We—we had a row. He left because of me and if something happens…it’ll be my fault.’

‘Mark, please—’

I shook my head, setting my bottle down hard on the table. ‘No. It’s my fault. I’ll be responsible! I can’t be responsible for another!’

She put a hand on my shoulder. The touch was a jolt back to reality. I jumped and twisted to stare at her. I must have looked a mad man.

‘It’s going to be okay, Mark,’ she said gently. Her soft lips, not quite as dramatic a cupid bow as James’s lips carried, parted into a gentle curve.

And then we were kissing each other hungrily, pulling at each other’s clothes. I was almost frantic as I moved my mouth against hers. I felt desperate. I had to know I wanted this. I had to feel turned on. I had to forget. It had to be different, it had to be better.

I ran my hands up her bare back, unclasping her bra and letting it fall free. God…it had been so long. My mouth pulled from hers long enough to press to her chest. It was an almost unfamiliar feeling.

She let out a moan and her knees worked their way round my waist before she rocked backwards, taking me with her. My entire body gave a shudder. I was surprised—and relieved—by how quickly I had responded. I could certainly not be gay. I had more than enough proof than I needed of that.

I didn’t want to abandon her chest, I wanted to explore her entire front with my mouth, but I could not fight back the urge. With shaky hands, I slid them down to her jeans and frustrated attempted to work them free. She let out another moan. Fuck, I could come just from this.

Hands sliding down to grip my arse informed me that Ashley had already beat me to it. How could I have not even noticed? Her warm fingers slipped down my pants and I let out a broken cry.

‘M—Mark?’

I jerked as if shocked. The voice had not come from Ashley and was not remotely female. My head whipped round and I stared over my shoulder at James Nightgood, standing in the doorway, staring at me with wide eyes.

I could feel the colour draining from my face. The situation I was in, Ashley’s hands still all-too present on sensitive parts of me; for too long I could not even fully acknowledge the fact he was standing there.

‘Get out!’ I cried hoarsely, forgetting that not fifteen minutes ago I had been worried sick I’d frightened him off for good. My voice rose and I repeated the order.

James back-peddled out of the room rapidly, babbling, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. I scrambled off of Ashley, swiping up my clothes and turned my back on her, desperate for some privacy, choking out an apology. My God, could nothing go right for me in these situations?

She was suddenly standing next to me. ‘Mark, it’s okay. Go after him. Don’t let him leave.’

I stared at her. She was already dressed, already put back together. Like nothing had ever happened. She handed me my shirt and I sheepishly took it from her, unable to meet her eyes. She kissed my shoulder, a slight smile played at her mouth. How she could find humour in this was beyond me.

‘It’s all right, Mark. Now, you go after him.’

And then she was gone. I thought I heard her say something along the lines of, ‘Glad you’re back, James,’ as she opened the door, but I couldn’t be sure. She didn’t close it behind her.

I stood numbly. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his red head dip into view.

I let out a shaky breath. ‘Come in, then.’

He walked tentatively back into the room but didn’t look at me. Not that that was new. But I couldn’t look at him either. He froze just in the doorway. ‘Mark…I—I—I—’

‘Where the hell have you been?’ My embarrassment was gone. I was suddenly angry and I didn’t know why.

James looked at me like he’d never seen me before. He blinked several times, eyes squinting against the one light on in the room as if it hurt him. ‘What?’

I took a deep breath. ‘You’ve been gone for over twenty-four hours! Where the hell did you go?’

James swayed for a minute and sniffed heavily. His wrist went to his nose, eyes skewing a little tighter. It was then that I noticed the condition he was in. My anger towards him evaporated into worry. I should have noticed the distant look in his eyes sooner. How dirty his normally pristine clothing was. The bloody, circular wounds over his temples.

‘James, what have you done? Did you get into another fight?’ I turned him to better see. He was not at all well and I was suddenly feeling a knot of fear and guilt clenching up inside of me.

‘I’m fine.’ He shrugged me off of him and unevenly walked to the sink, where he filled a glass. I watched him, every nerve in my body tensing, as he downed one, then another. He swallowed; the noise sounding raw.

‘James?’ his name escaped me in a weak, tremulous way. The whole scene
scared
me.

‘I didn’t think you’d want to see me again,’ he said, putting the glass down at last.

My throat felt dry. ‘I don’t know what I want.’

He looked at his shoes. I felt hollow, miserable. The temporary satisfaction I’d gotten from Ashley was long gone. I looked up to him. ‘What happened was a mistake, James. I don’t know what I was thinking.’

Yes I did. I was exhausted, hungry. I hadn’t felt the comfort of another person’s body in so long I couldn’t remember. I was lonely. And he’d been there. He’d taken my loneliness away and I’d wanted him to.

He nodded his head once, curtly.

‘I shouldn’t have let myself get so carried away.’

The expression on his face was exactly the opposite of what I’d expected it to be. I’d thought my words would have been some sort of relief. But he looked as if I’d just gut-punched him. Had I gotten it all wrong again? Wasn’t this what I was supposed to say? Wasn’t this what I
wanted
to say? I no longer knew any of the answers.

He sniffed again, and I spotted a blip of red just below his left nostril.

‘James, what the
hell
happened to you?’ Someone had done this to him. This was not self-inflicted.

The blood from his nose was a thick rivulet now. It made him choke once, ragged, and then his legs gave out.

I dove for him in alarm just as he hit the floor.

17:Head Games

Managing to drag an unconscious James to my bed was more of a trick than I’d have thought; as thin as he was, he was not light as dead weight. He had a fitful night and I slept not at all. I decided, seeing him twitch in bed, he’d have to see a doctor the next day. No matter how
much he complained.

I wasn’t sure how long I sat watching him before I finally moved to crouch beside him; with a wet cloth I did my best to wipe away the blood that had crusted beneath his nose and hairline. After that I worked his filthy clothes off of him; it only gave more mystery to where he’d been, what had happened, what he’d done. His eyes clenched tightly and he groaned, but he offered me no resistance.

Then I went back to sitting in the dark. Sitting and worrying.

I fretted over how everything I had done since the night before had been completely and utterly wrong. How could I have ever been so callous to him? Watching him now, his pale, fragile frame rising and falling with each breath, I felt an attachment to him. I wished more than anything I could take back what I’d said. I’d made a mistake, and I wasn’t even sure where in the past few hours I’d recognised that. Perhaps I’d needed Ashley to convince me I wasn’t gay. And perhaps I’d needed that encounter to convince me that it was James I needed along. That James was what was missing. I didn’t need to convince myself that what we’d done was a mistake. It wasn’t. It was what I’d done once it was finished. Now I just had to get over my fear.

James, however, was another matter. I could not move past my fear that I’d put him into a situation he had not been comfortable with. Had not wanted. James had claimed to have no interest in sex till I’d brought it up. What if I’d compelled him into something he’d not wanted? I had never paid much attention to other people’s sexuality, but what if I’d glanced over something about James’s?

It was something I’d have to piece together later.

James awoke late. And when he did he had a terrible headache. Medicine did not help him. He didn’t respond to much else besides twisting on the mattress, hissing in pain. The one time he did get up to take a piss, I heard the unmistakable sounds of him being sick. When he finally emerged, he was pale. The circles under his eyes were dark.

‘Right, that’s it. I’m taking you to the doctor.’

‘N—no.’

I shook my head and took his arm, guiding him to the sofa. I grabbed one of my own tshirts and handed it to him. ‘This isn’t a discussion. We’re going.’

The ride was quiet. Matched only by how quiet the wait was. If only I’d known.

New technology supposedly made medical visits faster. In reality, it just made the wait all the longer. The wait turned to hours, turned to tests, turned to scans. Which in turn, all turned to hell.

‘Did you hear what I said?’ the doctor asked, giving both of us a concerned, patient look.

James nodded. ‘Brain tumour,’ he recited. One long finger rose up and tapped the right side of his head, just behind his temple. ‘Right here.’

I stared ahead numbly. The words echoed in my head but I didn’t really hear them. I couldn’t. It couldn’t be true. My throat closed.

Cancer.

In my head I was back in the car before the accident, behind the wheel. My world was spinning out of control. Crashing around me.

James was watching me; green eyes fixed on me intently. Strange. He never liked to do that. He wanted a reaction. He couldn’t read my facial cues. I had to remind myself of that.

I didn’t know how to react for him. It wasn’t possible. Brain tumour? So fast? James had had his fits now and then, but nothing that I would have seen as signs of cancer. My hands shook; I stuffed them between my knees to steady them.

‘The odd thing is,’ the doctor was speaking again. I forced myself to pay attention. ‘The growth of the tumour is at an exponential rate I’ve never seen before. It’s almost as if…it grew overnight.’

I sat a little straighter and glanced at James sharply. He was looking down again. I wet my lips and met the doctor’s eyes, since James had clearly tuned out. He didn’t even seem to want answers.

‘Right,’ I cleared my throat. As much as I wanted to pursue that, one thing was more important. ‘So, what’s our plan from here, then?’

More words. I didn’t hear much after the dreaded word,
‘Inoperable.’

And that was that.

James Nightgood had a brain tumour that had developed out of the blue. And there was nothing anyone could do about it.

Any thoughts of leaving James after that I completely discounted. I didn’t know what to say to him. My head was reeling, but somewhere in the midst of that I knew I couldn’t leave him. That was the only steady thought I had.

He sat down heavily on my sofa, rubbing at his temple. I stared at him until I could take the silence no longer.

‘I know this is all a bit of a shock right now. I…I am not sure how to proceed but, James, I need answers and I need them now.’

He looked up at me with wide eyes. ‘Answers?’

Perhaps I was throwing too much on him at once. ‘Yes! The doctor,’ I took a deep breath, ‘the doctor said this happened overnight. I need to know what happened when you left. You have to tell me. Now.’

He was still staring. I knew what the expression was now: bleak.

‘Why?’

I closed my eyes, groped for a chair. Why indeed. Did it even matter? After a moment I looked back at him. There was a point. Because someone had done this to him. It hadn’t just happened. And I needed to know.

‘Because those bastards did something to you and I need to know what the hell is going on.’

He drew his legs up under him. When he did at last speak, it was hesitant and tremulous. ‘When you left…after…I…I was…I didn’t know what to do. I had to leave, too. Obviously.’ He was quiet for a long time, to the point I did not think he would speak again, but he did. ‘I was foolish to think I could have gotten away with what I’d done so easily. Foolish to think that, considering what I’d done.’

I supposed he did not mean what
we
had done. He meant his meddling. I nodded slowly. ‘You met someone.’

James let out a deep breath, nose pressed to his knees. ‘I didn’t know where to go,’ he mumbled. ‘I just started walking.’

I was curious as to why he didn’t go home, but didn’t bother to ask.

‘I did not make it far before I met Slater. He…
invited
me to go for a drive with him. There was no alternative but to accompany him. I do not remember much of the ride, nor what followed after. I remember he praised me for what had happened in the Square.’

‘So you did have something to do with it, according to him.’ I’d already suspected as much. For reasons I could not explain—and I had to assume James could not explain—he had some ability directly connected to InVizion. If only we had some understanding of what that was. Perhaps then we could stop it.

‘It was all a blur, really. At one point I ended at the InVizion lab. I believe I spent the night there. I don’t remember how I arrived. I don’t remember what happened. I simply awoke in a backstreet, alone. I did not know where to go. I couldn’t remember…couldn’t remember where my own flat was. So…I came back here. I knew you would not want me, but I could not think of where else to go.’

He hung his head, like a scolded dog, at this last admission.

I groaned with the weight of his words. The guilt. I fought to find the right way to fix it all, if I could. ‘James, I’m sorry. What happened, I made a mistake! I should never have behaved the way I did. I pushed you into something I shouldn’t have done and I feel guilty as hell about it—’

James stared at me. ‘You…’ He cleared his throat. ‘You did not force me into anything. It was my own fault, I thought. I did something to make you leave, isn’t that it?’

I laughed bleakly. This was so odd to me. After all the shite
this
is what we chose to talk about? ‘No, no, James…No. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was my fault. I...panicked.’

The word
panic
did something to his countenance. It sparked a surprise I hadn’t expected. Had he not thought me capable of the emotion?

‘I’d never done anything like that before, James. I thought I’d fucked up our relationship. And that prospect was too horrible. I didn’t know how to react after. I had to sort it all out in my head. And…I’ve finally come round. I know what my mistake was.’ Our eyes locked again. ‘My mistake was walking out that door and leaving you.’

As I said it, it became real for me. I wondered if I would have ever gotten it through my head if James hadn’t gone missing. If I hadn’t been with Ashley. And now all had changed.

‘James. I don’t…know what you want. Whatever you want is fine. Absolutely fine. I’m here for you.’

His expression turned puzzled. ‘Thank you…’ he said slowly. We were quiet. ‘I’m not really sure what that is,’ he confessed.

I pushed myself up from my chair and joined him on the sofa, sitting in the opposite corner. I didn’t really know what our boundaries were now. ‘What do you want from me? What do you need? I know that you’re not used to opening up to people. You don’t like telling people what you’re feeling, I get that. But you need to now, James. You need someone to help you.’

He gazed at me with hooded eyes. ‘Because I’m dying?’ His tone was a dark sneer. I wondered if he found the very thought of someone being concerned for his health offensive.

Perhaps just me.

I mentally winced, thinking it was possibly the second one. Maybe I had again gotten it all wrong and James wanted nothing to do with me. ‘Because you are fighting too many battles on your own,’ I said at last, ‘and you need someone by your side.’

It must have been the answer he’d wanted to hear, for his lips twitched ever so slightly. ‘It does help having someone to fight for.’

I smirked. ‘What? All of humanity isn’t enough for you?’

He stretched and rested his head against the back of the sofa, looking a little queasy. ‘No,’ he spoke with no guilt at all. ‘I never cared about them. Never bothered. It wasn’t…till I met you.’ His eyes slid down to mine and I felt a strange twisting in my stomach. ‘I wanted to stop InVizion after I met you. I wanted to do something about them. Because I could not stand the alternative.’

My brain didn’t want to process what I was hearing. I was the reason for all James had done? Me? I stared at him. He wasn’t looking at me, of course, but he was aware all the same. I knew.

‘I—’ My throat might have collapsed, for the sound I made. ‘I—I don’t know what to say.’

I wanted to touch him. Wanted to hold him, put a hand on his shoulder. Anything. Any comfort I could give to him, or receive, I wanted more than anything at that moment. All I felt daring enough to try was tilt my knees till they rested against his. A small spot of warmth started there, where our knees touched. It could have been my imagination.

We needed to talk about things, make decisions. Choices would have to be made soon. It would keep, though. James did not need to be bothered by it now. And I had a feeling his patience would not last if I attempted to bring it up.

‘I guess we can assume that this is a similar incident to what happened to Dr Fox.’

James frowned. ‘Yes. I suppose…a brain tumour is somewhat preferable to a stroke.’

I didn’t really think I was allowed to comment on that statement.

James patted at his trousers and his brows went down. He raised his eyes to scan the room. I stood, reluctantly letting our contact end and walked to the bed. ‘You’ll be wanting your phone.’ I swept it up from where I’d left it and strode back over to him, then collapsed back down, this time a little closer. He didn’t seem to mind, just grunted his thanks and let his body mould against mine.

The wait as he accessed and finally listened to his sister’s voicemail left me apprehensive. His expression was unfathomable. He hadn’t seemed to notice I’d listened to it earlier. Or if he’d had, he showed no sign; the mobile, he tossed away in frustration.

‘Not more bad news, I hope?’ I said, praying he didn’t consider it me prying too much.

He huffed his breath. ‘Family. So, yes.’

Perhaps it was relief that led to the twitch at my lips.

I looked him over. The stark contrast from the man I’d known not forty-eight hours earlier and the man sitting next to me now was stunning. How could his face look so much more sunken and tired, his expression so altered, after so little time? At the rate the tumour had grown—and I had to suppose would continue to grow—how ravaged would he be in a month’s time?

Thinking about that frightened me. I didn’t want to acknowledge it. My fingers reached forward by will of their own and snatched at his trouser knee. I pressed the fabric between my thumb and finger and rolled it. James shifted his knees so they rested against me.

‘You should get some rest,’ I sighed after a moment. ‘You need it.’

He grunted.

‘Right, come on. You can have the mattress, I’ll take the sofa.’ It had to be our arrangement. Anything else, I was too nervous to suggest.

As if reading my mind, James glanced up, eyes focusing near my chin. ‘You don’t have to do that.’