Look After Me (44 page)

So far, the NA meetings are going great. We’re working our way through the twelve-step program and, with the help of Carter, everything is beginning to fall back into place. But I still can’t get Addison off my mind, desperately wishing I could have her support.

“So how you doing with the recovery? You managing okay?” Carter asks over the rowdy crowd.

I turn my attention to him, swallowing a nacho in the process. “Yeah.” I nod with a confidence I never expected to feel again. “I’m doing really good. I keep waiting for the urge to come back but it never does. It kind of feels like when you need to hiccup but nothing happens, you know?”

Carter takes a sip of his drink, nodding his head with understanding. “I remember feeling like that. For a good couple of months during my early recovery days, being clean felt alien to me, I think it does with everybody. You were so used to the daily cravings that it became your normalcy, and once the cravings are no longer a part of that normalcy, it can take your body a while to get adjusted to it. Addiction is a really complex thing. That’s why the NA and twelve-step program is perfect. It helps you stay focused and keeps you on track. I mean you might not believe in the spiritual crap that comes with it but there is no denying it works.”

“So this is normal?” I ask, stuffing my face with another nacho, my mouth burning slightly from the heat of the jalapenos.

“Yeah, absolutely, but you don’t have anything to worry about. After everything you’ve told me, if anybody can overcome a drug problem, it’s you. I’ve never known anybody who has been in such close proximity to their chosen poison and not taken it. That takes willpower, man. Most people would have caved.”

“I almost did,” I say, remembering my moment of weakness that made the woman of my dreams walk out of my life.

“But you didn’t and that shows just how badly you want sobriety.”

I’m quiet for a moment as I watch the players skate onto the ice, causing the crowds around us to go crazy. “I guess so,” I finally say when I return my eyes back to Carter.

“I know so. If you really want something, you can make it happen. Anything is possible.
Anything.
” He pauses for a brief second while he takes a sip of his drink. “You don’t seem too sure of yourself.”

“Everybody keeps painting me as this hero of super courageous strength but I don’t see it.”

“That’s because you’re a good guy without an ounce of arrogance. But I have to say, I’m with the majority. You have an inner strength that most people wish they had. I think maybe it’s time to start listening to everybody and start believing that you’re the hero everybody thinks you are.” He claps me on the back. “Looks like the game’s starting.”

After the game, we head to the pizza place around the corner. Once we’ve ordered a deep pan pepperoni pizza, Carter sits back in his seat, a smirk plying on his lips. “So you’re what, thirty-two and you’ve never been to a hockey game before? What’s that all about?”

I lean back in my seat, resting my arm against the booth. “I know. It’s pretty sad, huh? But honestly, I’ve never been able to find the time just to kick back and have fun. My entire life was the Army. I lived and breathed it. It saved me.”

“It’s not sad at all. Your military sacrifice is one many appreciate, me included. You put your life on the line for this country. What you did was life changing.”

“I didn’t feel like I was sacrificing anything being in the Army. I loved being a soldier. It was downright scary at times but there wasn’t a single part of me that hated what I did. It was an incredible time in my life.”

“You miss it,” he says as a statement rather than a question.

“Every day,” I say with a sure nod. “But I don’t regret retiring. I know it was the right decision. It means I get to be in my daughter’s life without going months between visits, and she’s the most important thing in my life. I loved my job but I love my daughter more.”

The waitress brings the pizza and it takes Carter and me less than ten minutes to demolish the entire thing. “You’d think your wife never feeds you,” I chuckle once I’ve taken a final bite of my last slice.

“She does but I’d hardly call it edible.”

“I wouldn’t let her hear you say that,” I mock with warning but the guilty smile he gives tells me he’s done exactly that.

“Let’s just say I’ve learned my lesson.”

“How?”

“She made a really bad lasagna once, and I complained about her bad cooking, so she decided to pour my entire plate over my head.”

“Ooh burn,” I spit out through laughter. “She’s pretty fiery, huh?”

“You could say that again. So now I just eat and shut the fuck up. Honestly, just be glad you’re single. Women are a dangerous species.”

He’s definitely right about that. Women are probably one of the dangerous species on the planet, well at least two who begin with the letter A. My heart tightens in my chest at the thought of Addison. It’s been two months since she walked away and the pain of missing her intensifies by each day. Why is it you always want what you can’t have? If only I’d realized what I really wanted before it was too late. But I don’t deserve someone as amazing as Addison and the pain that seems to have taken residence in my heart is karma for letting one of the best things to ever happen to me walk out of my life.

Fuck.

“Hey, you okay, man?”

Carter’s voice cuts through my thoughts and when I look down I notice my fingers are wrapped tightly around my dog tags. I loosen my grip and let the chain fall against my chest. “Yeah, fine,” I mumble.

“Who is she?”

I jerk my head back in surprise. Jesus, am I that obvious? “It’s no one.” I shrug as if Addison doesn’t mean anything, when really she means everything.

“You’ve got pussy whipped all over your face, man. Come on, who is she?”

After a long, silent moment, I take a deep breath and say, “She’s someone who used to be a part of my life.”

“And with the use of the past tense, I guess she’s no longer a part of your life?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“What happened?”

“My drug counselor happened.”

I begin to tell him about Addison and how we met, and how our friendship quickly developed into something more—something with benefits. I then go on to tell him how things ended between us, finishing off with how she walked away, in love and broken-hearted.

“Wow,” Carter says with an astonished smile. “Talk about breaking the rules.”

“I know, tell me about it.”

“You’re in love with her.”

My heart swells within my chest and I can’t keep the smile off my lips as my fingers clasp the dog tags. “Yeah, I am.” I gently nod. My smile suddenly slips and I look down at the table. “But I blew it. I had my chance to tell her how I felt but I kept silent because I was scared to open myself up to her, especially when I was still so raw over Ava.”

I look back up at Carter. “Excluding my daughter, Addison was the best thing to happen to me in a long time. She put a smile back on my face and gave my life purpose. We connected in a way I’ve never felt before in my entire life and it was explosive. Not only were we connected but I could be a hundred percent myself with her, even when I didn’t want to be. She saw through the bullshit and saw me for me. She saw me at my fucking lowest and she
still
had the ability to love me. I was so fucking stupid to let her go.”

“I have to agree. That was a really fucking stupid thing to do.”

My lips curl into a half smile at his bluntness. “You told me not even five minutes ago that I should be glad that I’m single—that women are dangerous,” I point out.

“They are dangerous but they’re worth it. I might hate my wife’s cooking, and I might want to throttle her from time to time, but I can’t live without her and I don’t think I would ever be stupid enough to let her go. She’s my life. She’s
my
Addison.” I grin at his words and his subtle way of calling me stupid. He pauses for a brief moment before saying, “So what’s your plan?”

“My plan?”

He rolls his eyes and leans forward, his elbows resting on the table. “You might be a motherfucking hero and everything but you seem pretty clueless when it comes to chicks. How are you going to win her back?”

My fingers find the scrunched up napkin from my plate and begin ripping it to shreds. “It’s not as easy as winning her back. I blew it, she’s moved on with her life, in California. It’s too late.”

“It’s never too late. If she is what you really want, then book a flight to California and win her back. I’m sure you’ve heard of planes, right? You know the white things with wings that fly in the air? I’m pretty sure you’ve been on one before, Army boy.”

“Yes, I’m familiar with the concept of an airplane.” I half smile as I throw the shredded napkin in his face. “But I wouldn’t even know where to find her. She didn’t leave any contact information, and she’s probably changed her cell number. All I know is that she moved to California to work at a high-end rehab facility.”

“Then use your military influence and knowledge, Sebastian. I bet if you put your mind to it you could find her in an hour tops.”

We’re both interrupted when the waitress comes over and begins to take our plates and pizza pan away. “Can I get you guys any dessert?”

Carter looks at me. “Do you want dessert, or are you going to man up and win your woman back?”

His question doesn’t need any thought; I already knew my answer before he asked the question. I smile up at the waitress who’s frowning with confusion as she looks between Carter and me.

“We’ll just have the check, please.”

Two Days Later

AFTER MY ONE ON one with a patient, I use the next twenty minutes of quiet time before lunch to catch up on my emails. But I find myself lost in thought, thinking about
him.
It’s been two months since I last saw his handsome face and I still miss him. In fact, I miss him even more with each given day—in a way that physically hurts. I thought when I left Seattle to start my new life here in California, the distance away from him would help me think more clearly and give me the space I needed to help get over him.

But it’s done the very opposite.

He’s all I think about. He’s everything I live and breathe. He’s so consuming that my love for him has taken over my entire life.

I wish things were different. I wish I hadn’t needed to walk away. I wish his feelings for me were matched with my own, but they weren’t. He doesn’t love me. I was just someone to have fun with—no strings attached fun. It was never supposed to be serious, and I knew that, but it seems my heart never got the memo.

After rereading the same sentence in my email for about the millionth time and still having no idea what it says, I finally give up and cover my hands over my face, trying to calm the tears that threaten to spill. My gaze falls on my cell, and in the form of my own personal torture, I reach for it, unlocking the screen and going straight to my photos.

I flick through to the photos I know are still on my camera roll—the ones I haven’t had the heart to delete. My entire heart shreds into a million pieces when I finally find the few rare photos of Sebastian I have on my phone. I smile sadly as I gingerly trace my finger over his face in the selfie taken on the night of the concert. It was the night when our relationship went from friends to not-so-innocent friends with benefits, and this photo was taken after we had wild rampant sex in the bathroom. The only reason I can tell it was taken after our hot and wild sex was because of how royally fucked we both look. Our hair is in disarray, our clothes are crumpled, and our cheeks are flamed. He has his arms wrapped around me, his chin resting against my shoulder as he smiles sexily at the camera, and it’s a smile that I can feel down to the tip of my toes.

He told me time and time again that I deserved somebody who was worthy of me and he was right. I should be with somebody who is worthy of me and cherishes the very ground I walk on, and I know I wouldn’t have gotten that with Sebastian. He cared about me but just not enough to fall in love with me. And it isn’t his fault. It’s just the way this cruel world works.

Walking away was for the best.

I’m trying to get over him. I really am.