Look After Me (46 page)

I whimper when Sebastian pulls his lips away, but my whimper is quickly replaced with an inhaled gasp when he presses his lips to my ear. “God, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much.”

His husky filled words send my heart into an unruly frenzy. I truly recognize the brilliance behind his earlier words, the words I never thought I’d ever hear him say—I love you.

His lips move along my neck, gently nipping along my collarbone before descending to my chest as he unbuttons my shirt, worshiping my skin as I moan and writhe on my desk, my hands grasping desperately to his back. His lips slowly make their way back up to mine, and the feel of his scorching tongue turns me into a sex-crazed animal. I begin to tear at his shirt and he chuckles against my lips before pulling away with hooded eyes. “Baby,” he pants, “I want to do
that.
God, do I want to do that, but maybe it shouldn’t be here, in your office, on your
desk.
”

My office phone begins to ring and I take this as an opportunity to cool down. He’s right; we can’t do
that
here. Breathlessly, I press the loudspeaker. “Hello,” I say as Sebastian’s fingers caress the tops of my thighs.
I sound like a quivering mess.

“Um . . . Hey, Addison. Um, I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m just calling to tell you that Devin is here to pick you up for your . . . um, lunch date.”

Crap. Devin.

I can hear the sound of confusion emanating from her voice and I know she must be wondering who the hell walked into my office not even five minutes ago. My eyes hesitantly go to Sebastian and I see the look of amused intrigue dancing in his eyes, his lips pursed.

“Thanks. Just tell him I’ll be out as soon as I can.”

As soon as I’ve ended the call, Sebastian shifts closer to me, his hands sliding over my hips and his fingers tightening their grip. “Who’s Devin?”

I gulp nervously. “He’s a guy I’ve been seeing.”

“A guy you’ve been seeing?” he repeats painfully, and as the sound pierces straight to my heart, my rational side quickly swoops back in. Sebastian can’t just come here, tell me he loves me and expect me to drop my life.

“Do you love him?” Sebastian demands and his question instantly cools the passion that was escalating through my body. All I can feel is his anger, and the anger reminds me of the heartbreak I went through when I walked away from him.

“I-I can’t do this.” I push away from him, putting much-needed space between us. I hurriedly button my shirt back up.

“Do what?”

“This!” I shout, pointing between us. “I don’t know what you were expecting would happen by coming here but you can’t just show up, declare your undying love for me, and expect things to go back to the way things were. I have a life here, a life I’ve actually grown to love. I can’t just drop everything because you’ve finally come to realize that you’re in love with me. Life doesn’t work like that, Sebastian. You of all people know that happy endings don’t work like they do in fairy tales.”

“I don’t know what I was expecting, to be honest. Mainly, I just wanted to see you because I’ve missed you, but I also needed to get my feelings off my chest. I needed you to know how I felt because I’m so madly in love with you that I couldn’t hold it in any longer.”

“Well, a phone call could have sufficed.”

He looks almost winded at my statement. “So you would have preferred that I declare my love for you over the phone?”

Sucking my trembling lip into my mouth, I say, “I would have preferred not to hear those words at all.”

That’s not necessarily true. Those three words are all I’ve ever wanted to hear. I’ve spent my entire life looking for the one person who could say those three words and truly mean them, and I know without a doubt that Sebastian means them. But I don’t know if love can be enough. I don’t know if I can trust him with my heart.

I take a deep breath. “I moved here for a fresh start. I moved to this strange place, away from the only place I’ve only ever known as home, away from my friends, family . . . the man I
loved.
And it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. The first month was hell. I must have packed my bags a dozen times with the intent of coming home, but then the second month rolled by and life got a little easier. I met some new friends, I met a guy, and I can really see myself being happy here. And you coming here changes that for me. I had already accepted that we weren’t meant to be together, and I was ready to move on. I would have gotten over you. It might have taken a while, but I would have. Now you’re here, confusing me, saying that you love me, making me feel things I didn’t think I’d ever get to feel again, and I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating right now.
You’re suffocating me.
I need a moment so I can think. I need to
think.
” I take a shuddering breath as I try to keep the tears that threaten to fall at bay.

He smiles sadly before slowly approaching me. He lifts his hand up to my face and caresses his finger against my cheek, causing me to shiver at the very touch. “I’m sorry. I should have given you some warning that I was coming, but I had this romantic notion in my head of how today would have gone, and calling ahead would have ruined that. Plus, this is something I needed to do face to face. You’re more important to me than some phone call, and you deserve more than my declaration of love over the phone. I’m not a coward. I don’t take the easy way out. I have in the past, but not anymore. I’m a man of strength and courage, and men of strength and courage fight for what they want, they fight for what they believe in. And this, Addison, is me fighting for what I believe in. I believe in us.”

He shifts closer until we’re within breathing distance, and I briefly close my eyes as his fingers sweep through my hair. “I’m going to give you some room to breathe, okay? But before I do that, can you just answer me one question?”

I don’t know what possesses me to do it, but I give him a gentle nod, my entire body buzzing with anticipation.

“Do you still love me?”

I painfully gulp, and the tears I’ve so desperately tried to keep at bay, begin to fall again. I know I can’t lie to him, it’s physically impossible to even try, so I relent. “Yes.”

“Then don’t give up on us. Please, just don’t give up on us.” He pauses for a brief moment while he buttons up his shirt. “I’m staying at the Doubletree hotel downtown. My flight isn’t until eight, tomorrow morning. That means I still have tonight. If you want to give us a chance, then meet me at my hotel room at nine. It’s room 208. If you choose not to come, I’ll walk away and never bother you again. The ball is in your court.”

He turns on his heels and walks to the door. When he reaches for the door handle, he turns back to face me. “For what it’s worth, Addison, when the clock strikes nine, I really hope you’re at my door because I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. When I look at my future, you’re the only one I see standing beside me holding my hand—the one I grow old and gray with. I want to experience my life with you. I want
you
until my last dying breath. You, Addison, are my fucking
everything.
”

Dumbfounded, I watch as he exits. A painful sob suddenly breaks free, causing everything within me to explode. And as the tears stream hysterically down my face, my cries filling the entire space of my office, I’m left making the biggest decision of my entire life.

She didn’t come.

I stayed in my hotel room—watching mindless television—waiting for the clock to strike nine.

The anticipation of wondering if she would turn up was excruciating, and the more anxious I would get, the slower time would become. Honestly, it felt like I was waiting for a lifetime, instead of mere hours.

Eventually, nine o’clock came and it almost felt like my heart was about to shoot out of my chest as I stared continuously at the door, gripping my dog tags in a choked vise, waiting for the sound of knocking that I prayed would come.

When the knock didn’t come, and nine o’clock faded into ten o’clock, I waited. And as each hour continued to fade into the next, the anticipation that was keeping me wired was slowly dissipating until I sat defeated on the bed, my heart aching at the realization that she wasn’t coming.

I’d tried and I’d failed. But at least now I won’t look back in twenty years’ time and wonder what if. I told Addison that I would walk away if she chose not to meet me and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. She’s made her decision and I’m going to handle this like a man and accept that she doesn’t want to be with me. It hurts, unbelievably so, but if Addison says she’s happy with her new life, then who am I to get in the way of her happiness?

Now I’m sitting in the window seat of the plane heading back to Seattle, watching the terrain below me as I head further and further away from the love of my life. I spend the entire flight stewing in my own sadness until the plane finally lands and I drag my exhausted body off the plane. During the taxi ride home, I turn my cell phone on and inwardly sigh when I see a text message alert from my sister.

Grace:
Hey, big bro. Why the hell haven’t you called me yet? I’m dying to know how it went. Call me when you get this.

Before I left for California two days ago, I’d called her and told her my epic plan for winning Addison over. She was happy I was finally growing a pair—her words, not mine—and finally following my heart. It’s just a shame my efforts didn’t pay off.

Pressing call, I place my phone up to my ear and wait for her to answer.

“Hey.
Finally.
So how’d it go?” she answers, going straight in for the painful question.

“I’m fine, thanks for asking,” I respond dryly.

“I haven’t got time for your sarcasm, Sebastian. I’ll ask again. How did it go? I’ve been on the edge of my seat for two days straight. You need to put your poor sister out of her misery.”

I sigh heavily and the one sigh is the answer she needs to know. “You’re not really fine, are you?” she asks sadly.

“No.”

“What happened?”

Scrubbing a hand down my face, I allow the past twenty-four hours to flash in my mind for a moment. “I went out there, poured my entire heart out to her, only to have it crushed.”

“Oh, Sebastian. I’m so sorry.”

“I’ll be okay. I will. It’s just going to take a while to recover.” Letting out an exhaled breath, I lean my head against the headrest and focus on the roof inside the taxi. “I hate to admit it, but her new life looks good on her. She looks happy, and even though I wish she were beside me in this taxi right now, her happiness is what’s important, and it’s all I’ll ever want for her.”

“What about your happiness, huh? What happens to you while she’s living this incredible life?”

I snort bitterly. “I’m a tortured soul, Gracie. I’m used to the dark. I’ve been in the dark most of my life. It’s what I’m used to.”

“So what now? You’re just going to go back to snorting coke until you circle the drain, is that it? You’re going to go back to a life of darkness, the darkness that has almost claimed your life more than once? Because if you do, I can’t witness that again. I just can’t. There are only so many times a sister can stand by and watch her brother die from an overdose.”

My heart sinks at her piercingly angry words. I never realized until this very moment how my dark and haunted actions have truly affected her. I’ve been so focused on my own heartache and pain that I haven’t noticed the pain of the people around me, the people who care for me and love me.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t say that to scare you. I was simply stating a fact, but you have nothing to worry about. I’m never going back to that person I once was. I won’t. I’ve hit rock bottom and it’s not a place I ever intend on visiting again. And as for coke, I will never touch that god-awful stuff again. I’m clean and I’m staying clean for good. I know those kind of promises don’t seem like much coming from a recovering drug addict, but I’m giving you my word.”

“No, I’m sorry. It’s just you started talking about darkness and I just panicked. You’re my brother and I love you and to see you go through that again would just kill me.”

“I know, and I love you too. I know what’s at stake now Gracie, and I’m not going to sacrifice that for a line of white powder. If you had let me finish, you would have known I was referring to Addison. I’ve lived a battle of fierce darkness and I survived it, which tells me I’ll survive this. I’m hurting right now, and I’m probably going to bawl like a motherfucking baby when I get home, but as long as I’m breathing I’ll survive.”