Look After Me (42 page)

“I’m doing this for Lily. I have to be a better role model. She deserves better than a junkie for a father.” I pause for a moment as I take in the faces of everybody sitting around the table. “And I’m also doing it for myself. I can’t keep living this yo-yo life of constant ups and downs. It’s exhausting. I need to finally get my life back on track and rehab is the only way to do that.”

I focus my attention on my sister and dad, feeling terrible that I’m leaving for rehab so soon after they’ve come out to Seattle to spend Christmas with Lily and me. “I hate that you came all the way out here to spend Christmas with me and I’m heading to rehab tomorrow, but my counselor was able to pull some strings, and she got me into a facility on short notice. The facility is renowned for its high recovery rate.”

My dad stands and rounds the table towards me. “Stand up,” he instructs. Taking the napkin off my lap, I place it on the table and stand, matching my dad’s six foot two height. “Son, you are one of the most important people in my life. Without you, your sister, and my beautiful granddaughter, I’d simply be lost. Your courage and strength truly astound me. I’m so proud of you and just hearing you say you’re going back to rehab, on your own, just shows me how much you’ve grown. When you went to rehab the first time, Caleb physically had to force you to go. You’ve certainly come a long way since then. And I know you see your drug addiction as a weakness but you, my boy, are a fighter, and you always come out the other end stronger. Please don’t worry about your sister and me. Just focus on yourself and get well.”

He pulls me into a fatherly hug and I wrap my arms around him, a lump lodged in the back of my throat. “I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too. Your momma would be proud of you, son.”

He pulls away and I look at him through blurry eyes. “Thanks, Dad. That means a lot.”

He simply nods before giving me a warm smile. “Well, enough of the girly crap. Let’s enjoy the rest of Christmas Eve.” He claps me on the back before resuming his place back at the table, tearing back into his food.

I sit back down and I look at my sister who is wiping her eyes with the napkin, overwhelmed with emotion. I gently kick her under the table and her eyes meet mine. I gently smile, one that says I love her, then like the jerk of a brother I am, I say, “Wuss.”

She frowns, staring daggers at me before she throws a carrot at my head. Lily decides to follow suit, throwing mashed up carrot off her plate.

“Balls!”

Ava is going to kill me.

The next morning, we help Lily open her gifts in front of the Christmas tree and the way her huge eyes light up with excitement the moment she saw the gifts, took my breath away. But once all the gifts had been opened, Lily was more enthralled with the colorful wrapping paper, than the actual presents. I could have saved hundreds of dollars by wrapping empty cardboard boxes and she wouldn’t have known the difference.

Just as I’m about to stand and make a start on breakfast for everybody, Grace hands me a long slender gift box with a silver bow attached. “We nearly missed one. I guess this is for you.”

My eyebrows burrow with confusion as I take it from her. I examine the box, trying to figure out who it’s from since there’s no gift tag attached. I gently take the bow off and open the box. My eyes are met with a platinum silver dog tag necklace with two tags, each attached by a separate chain. Taking hold of the necklace, my fingers trace over the engraved words of each tag.

My dad. He said the exact same words to me yesterday. Touched at such an incredible gift I look to him, a smile curved along my lips. “Dad, you shouldn’t have,” I say with awe.

“Shouldn’t have what?” he asks, not bothering to look up at me as he continues to open the outer packaging of Lily’s gifts.

“Got me this chain. It’s too much.”

My dad finally looks up and shakes his head. “Son, that isn’t from me.”

“It isn’t? Well, if you didn’t then who did?” I look down and see a third tag still inside the box, attached to a small chain. I take the metal tag and my heart slams against my chest when I read the engraved words.

I smile when I realize the gift is from Addison. She must have bought it before everything went down. I trace my thumb over the encouraging words. This is no ordinary gift. This is Addison believing in me. She believes that I can overcome my addiction. As I take in the words, I make it my mission to earn my righteous place and wear the sobriety tag with pride.

“What is it?” Grace asks with an intrigued smile.

Showing her the dog tag, I say, “Something to work towards.”

I place the dog tag back in the box before putting the chain around my neck. It’s perfect. It’s exactly what I need to help me get through the next thirty days. And each time I’ll read the words ‘strength’ and ‘courage’ etched along my tags, it will remind me what I need to work towards.

After saying goodbye to my dad and sister, who are staying at my apartment for another couple of days before heading back home, I drop Lily back off at Ava’s. Having time to reflect on my actions since I found out she was getting married, I’ve decided I don’t want to hold a grudge anymore. In order to see my recovery to the very end, I need to let go of my anger, the only thing that’s been holding me back.

I’m still not one hundred percent over her—I don’t know if I ever will—and I still love her, but letting go of my anger is the healthy thing to do. If I don’t, I’m just going to go insane and that’s not a viable option for me. I need the old me back. My entire life depends on it.

I ring the doorbell and after a moment Ava swings the door open, a little surprised to see me at the door instead of Caleb. Lily quickly catches her attention and she smiles lovingly down at her. “Hey, baby girl.”

“Mama!” Lily screeches at the top of her voice.

Ava looks at me with an anxious smile curved along her lips. “Hi.”

“Hey,” I say with a friendly smile, hoping to put her at ease somewhat. She looks back at Lily, and asks, “Did you have fun opening your gifts this morning?”

“Balls!” Lily yells out with a smile.

“Did you get balls for Christmas?”

Knowing that Lily isn’t referring to her gifts, I’m thankful I have an excuse. “She got a ball pit,” I explain to Ava.

“Oh wow!” she says enthusiastically for Lily’s benefit. “Well, it looks like Santa’s been here too. Let’s say bye to Daddy and we can see what Santa’s brought you.”

I give Lily a kiss on the lips before pulling away. “Bye, baby. I love you.” I hate the way the lump forms at my throat each time I have to hand her back to Ava. Swallowing the emotion down, I look to Ava. “Before you go in, can I just have a quick word?”

“Um, sure,” she says hesitantly. “Just one second. Let me just get Lily out of the cold.”

I grimace when I hear Ava shout Ashton’s name out, still hating the sound of his goddamn name, but after taking a deep breath, I manage to keep my hatred for him to a minimum. Ava comes back to the door, stepping over the threshold before closing the door slightly behind her. Rubbing her hands up and down her arms, keeping the chill at bay, she smiles awkwardly—terrified almost—as if she’s waiting for some angry remark to leave my mouth.

“I won’t be able to have Lily for the next thirty days. I’m heading back to rehab. I’m still struggling with my addiction and I need to take some time out and focus more on my recovery. I’m sorry if it messes up with your schedule.”

Her smile turns a little brighter. “No, it’s absolutely fine.”

I sigh with relief. “Good.”

“Do you need me to bring her to the rehab facility?”

I shake my head. “No, it’s about an hour drive from here, and it’s highly likely I won’t be allowed visitors. But I’ll call you when I’m out because she’ll be the first person I’ll want to see.” I give out a sighed laugh.

“Sure, no problem,” Ava says with understanding.

“I’ll see you soon.”

I begin to turn away and head back to my truck when suddenly I stop myself and turn back to Ava who is heading back inside.

“Ava, wait.”

She turns back to face me but stays over the threshold.

“I’m sorry for being such a dick to you these past couple of months. You hurt me, and I’m not going as far as saying that I forgive you but I am letting go of my anger. I don’t want to be mad at you anymore. It’s too exhausting. And I think letting go of my anger will be the key to my recovery, and finally getting over you.”

Once I’ve said my piece, she seems stunned for a moment, unable to form any kind of words. After another moment passes, she walks towards me and buries her face into my chest, wrapping her arms around me tightly. I’m overwhelmed for a moment, the incredible smell of her assaulting my senses but gradually I begin to relax into her hold and accept the hug.

She pulls away and looks up at me. “There isn’t a day that I don’t hate myself for how I treated you. And seeing how much pain you’ve endured at the hands of me and my betrayal has been hell. I’m so sorry. I mean it. I truly do.”

Not giving a shit if douchebag can see me through the window, I raise my hand to her face and brush a piece of stray hair away from her face, looking down at her with a sense of calm I haven’t felt in a long time. “You might have triggered my relapse in some ways but you never forced me to snort that shit. That was all me. My addiction isn’t your fault. I know I blamed you for a long time but I was in denial. I blamed you because it was easy. Blaming you was my revenge and it just shows how weak I was. I should have been able to handle my heartbreak better but I didn’t, I took the fucking easy way out, which ironically, wasn’t easy at all. But that’s going to change. I’m not going to be that angry fueled man anymore. I’m going to become the father our daughter deserves and that’s a father who is drug free. I just have to work a little harder to get there.”