Look After Me (9 page)

“Who?”

“Addison.”

I roll my eyes. “Don’t even go there.”

“What? I’m just saying.” Grace smiles innocently, but I can see the glint in her eyes. She wants to play matchmaker, but it’s not happening.

“Well, don’t, okay? I know exactly what you’re thinking and it’s not going to happen. My life isn’t like one of your trashy romance novels. Addison isn’t going to swoop in and mend my broken heart. Real life doesn’t happen that way. Fictional characters get to live happily ever after, but in real life your happily ever after is short lived by a series of disappointments and betrayals. I’m the very proof of that.”

“Just because you got hurt, doesn’t mean you have to swear off women for the rest of your life.”

“And it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t either.”

“Well, I think that’s bullshit. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel the epic love that authors write about in their books. And you might think that love is utter crap, but I happen to believe that kind of love exists.”

“Believing in that kind of love is what got me into this mess in the first place and look where that left me, huh? A broken mess.” I glare at my sister. “I’m better off alone. At least that way I won’t get hurt.”

“So you’re telling me that you’re swearing off women all together and that you’ll never be with a woman again?”

“I never said I’d never be with another woman. I am a man, after all. I’m just never giving my heart to one again. Well, what’s left of my heart anyhow.”

“So you’re just going to turn into an asshole and sleep with woman after woman?”

“Well, being a nice guy didn’t really work out well for me did it?”

Grace shakes her head before she turns away and continues to season the steaks she’s making for dinner. After a few moments, she turns back to me. “Ava really did a number on you, huh? I really want to go and kick that bitch’s ass. God, I hope they have too much sex and Dr. Dolittle’s dick falls off.” Even though the thought of them having sex makes me want to throw up, Grace’s comment nearly has me in a heap on the floor. The thought of Ashton Douchebag Bailey’s dick falling off makes me happy. Through my laughter, I hook my arm around Grace’s shoulder and press a brotherly kiss on the top of her head.

“You never cease to amaze me. Even when I’m at my lowest, you still have the power to make me laugh. I love you, sis. I love you so much.”

The next day, a little before seven, I find myself sitting in a circle not so different from the group sessions back in rehab. As I look around, I notice it’s a lot more laid back than what I was expecting, with the sounds of quiet chitchat and laughter filling the room. Being in a church, I thought it was going to be a lot more conservative, but it isn’t, and now I’m feeling a little overdressed in my slacks and shirt. Looking around the circle, I check to see if anybody is watching me and quickly yet inconspicuously undo the two top buttons of my shirt then untuck my shirt from my pants for added measure. However, I wasn’t inconspicuous enough because I notice Addison strolling in with a discreet smile, watching me fidget with my clothes. I let the obvious embarrassment slide as I shrug my shoulders, a small smile on my lips. She mouths, “Looking good,” to me with a beaming smile and that just makes my smile widen.

The session commences and Addison introduces me to the group. “We’ve been joined by a new addition tonight. Why don’t you introduce yourself to the group?” she says in my direction.

Smoothing my palms down my slacks, I stand up and address the entire group. “Hi, I’m Sebastian. Army veteran and father of a one-year-old. I—”

“Have you been to like, Afghanistan?”

My eyes land on a twenty-something-year-old punk, who is sporting a bright green mohawk. I’m a little wary to answer, considering he used the word ‘like’ as if he was in the movie Clueless. “Um, yeah. I’ve served three tours in Afghanistan.” Just as I’m about to continue with my introduction to the circle, his words halt me in my steps.

“Have you seen like, limbs being blown up and shit?”

Oh wow, is this guy for real?
Trying to disguise my irritation with a smirk, I answer, “I’ve witnessed more than you can ever dream to imagine.”

“Yeah, but like, what kind of stuff?”

I glance at Addison for a moment, watching the humor flit across her eyes. I decide to hit him with the hard stuff, just for being an insensitive jackass. “Have you ever seen
Band of Brothers?
” He nods eagerly. “And have you ever watched
Saw,
all seven of them?” Again he nods, a little too eagerly. “Well, that’s kind of what you get, but with an added
Resident Evil
in the mix.” It’s brutal in Afghanistan; not fucking twisted, but I can’t resist adding the scare factor on. However, this guy must be as twisted as they come because he seems to lap my blood and guts right up.

“Awesome! Where the fuck do I sign up? This is shit I need to witness!”

Jesus, this guy must have some warped issues going on inside that head of his. Seriously, if this guy were ever to find himself in a war zone, he’d have himself killed within a day. Not that he’d ever pass the mental evaluation to become a soldier.

Before I have a chance to lay into this dick for being the most insensitive asshole on this earth, Addison’s words beat me to it. “Um, I think that’s enough introducing for one day.” Addison’s eyes flicker from the jackass to me, the humor still apparent within her hazel eyes. “You can sit back down, Sebastian.” I sit, relieved Addison intervened when she did because I wouldn’t have had any qualms about my fist meeting his face, and that’s not the first impression I want to give at my first NA meeting.

The rest of the session goes off without a hitch. After learning more about jackass and the amount of drugs he’s consumed over the years, it’s hardly surprising the guy has lost a few too many brain cells along the way. He’s definitely an eye opener though. Just looking at his dense face is enough to keep you on the straight and narrow.

As everybody begins to leave, I notice him walking towards me. Immediately, I jump up and find my way over to Addison. She’s pouring herself a drink of water from the refreshments table and smiles when she notices me.

“Hey. So how was your first session?”

“Well, it started out
awesome,
” I say, hooking my thumb over my shoulder into the direction of jackass, “but it improved.”

“I’m really sorry about him. He obviously—”

“Has a screw loose?”

She laughs. “Not what I was going for but yeah, you could say that.” She takes a sip of water before focusing her attention back on me. “He’s harmless though. He just doesn’t think before he speaks. I like to think it’s the effect of the many years of drug abuse, but I have a feeling he’s always been a dick.”

I laugh lightly. “Did you just swear in a house of God?”

She slaps her hand over her mouth. “Oh God, shit. I mean crap. Crap, I just swore again. Shit. Oh God, I’m officially the most terrible person ever. Who swears in a church?”

“You apparently, and let’s not forget taking the Lord’s name in vain.” I smirk, unable to help myself.

She smacks me lightly on the arm. “I’m supposed to be the good influence! A good influence who doesn’t swear or takes the Lord’s name in vain!”

Still smiling, I hold my hands up. “Hey, I’m not judging. Especially since I look like I’m attending a frigging funeral.”

Her eyes trace my attire, a smile lifting at the corner of her lips. “If you don’t mind me asking, why are you dressed like that?”

I shove my hands into my slack pockets. “An idiotic mistake on my part. You said church and I immediately thought Sunday school. You can imagine my horror when I saw everybody wearing jeans and sweatshirts.”

“Well, it seems we both made an ass of ourselves this evening.”

“You do realize you swore again, right?” I smile.

“I think I’m going to cut my losses and get out of here before I find myself trapped in the barrens of
Hell.
” Once she downs her entire water, we make our way out of the church and onto the sidewalk, welcomed by the Seattle night sky.

“Where are you headed?” I ask as we stand idly at the bottom of the church steps.

“I’m just going home.”

“And where might
home
be?”

“A couple of blocks away.”

“Lead the way. I’ll walk you there.”

“What? You don’t have to do that.”

“Look, I may have sworn off women for the rest of my life, but there is still some gentleman left inside of me. I can’t just let you walk home alone. There are some fucking monsters out there.” My mind automatically goes to
him
and the things he did to Ava. Then I quickly erase those thoughts from my mind, not wanting to think of Ava in any capacity. Today has unexpectedly been a good day and I’m not going to ruin it by thinking of her. I hold my arm out and Addison accepts it with a smile.

“Well, what girl can refuse being escorted home by a veteran? You can use your military skills to keep the monsters away.”

“I’ll keep a watch out.” I wink as we start to walk with her arm still linked around mine. I hate to admit it, but it feels nice. She’s a breath of fresh air, and it’s a comforting feeling. Just being around her makes everything seem brighter. I’ve smiled and laughed more this evening than I have in months.

“I know you must get asked this all the time, so I apologize for the unoriginality in advance, especially after being bombarded with it this evening, but what’s it like in Afghanistan? Obviously I’ve seen how the media portrays it and to me it seems like the scariest place on earth.”

“Well, it definitely isn’t what I described earlier to jackass, but the guy pissed me off, so I wanted to freak him out a little. That clearly backfired on me.” I smile. “I’m not going to lie—it’s really tough out there. During my three tours in Afghanistan, I witnessed things that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. How I came out without so much as a bullet wound, I have no idea. I’m a lucky son of a bitch, that’s for sure. To an outsider, it might seem scary as hell, but when you’re there, in the heat of things, it’s different, you know? You kind of embrace it. I signed up, knowing the dangers, but with the dangers also comes excitement, and being somewhat of an adrenaline junkie definitely worked to my advantage. It made me feel almost invincible out there, and that helped to keep my emotions at bay.”

I glance down at Addison. Her eyes are wide with wonderment. “Wow, your strength is incredible. I couldn’t do that—just turn my emotions off by a switch, I mean.”

“It was automatic. You didn’t think, you just got on with things. By keeping my emotions in check, I was able to block out the terrors those three grueling tours brought. I was totally unfazed by the things I had witnessed. My strength is what kept me alive. It was only when I came home, that my strength turned into a weakness.” I give out a short, humorless laugh. “And the one thing that broke me wasn’t from the shit I witnessed in war but a woman. One woman. How fucking ironic?”

“You left the military for her?” Addison asks sadly.

“Well, for my family. I wanted to give them a life they deserved. A life I was part of.”

Addison is quiet for a moment before she says, “I’m so sorry, Sebastian. But for what it’s worth you’re not weak. You’re just human.”

An awkward silence covers us as my mood turns sour. Thoughts of Ava drift to the forefront of my mind. Talking about the military has reminded me of everything I gave up for her and how all of that got thrown back in my face.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put a downer on you,” I hear Addison say, and I suddenly realize I’ve completely zoned out.

Shaking my head of all resentment and anger, I look down at her. “You didn’t. I did. You asked a question and I answered it by allowing my drama to seep in through the cracks. I’m a martyr. I like to torment my pain with more pain.” Addison smiles, but it isn’t one of humor and it doesn’t sit well with me. I much prefer her happy smile; it has an enchanting effect on me and I desperately want to be in the presence of her pretty beaming smile again.

“Ask me another question. I promise I won’t depress you with my next answer this time.”

Her genuine smile returns and the warmth of that one smile soothes me, erasing all negative thoughts that plagued my mind only seconds earlier. “While in Afghanistan, did you ever meet the President on one of his surprise visits?” she asks with a little excitement in her voice and I’m happy to see her smile back in place.

“He did come to the base once but, unfortunately, I never got the pleasure of meeting him. However, I did meet Katy Perry when she did a concert for the troops. That was pretty awesome.”

“Get out of town!” she says, pushing me away slightly, a huge smile plastered on her face. “That’s awesome. I love her.”

“Talking about famous people, have you ever met anyone famous?”

“Hmm . . .” She thinks for a moment before she smiles. “I met Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street when I was about eight years old. That’s probably the coolest moment of my life.”

“Oh yeah . . . totally beats Katy Perry hands down.”

We gradually come to a stop in front of an apartment block. “This is me,” Addison says, letting go of my arm. She turns to look at me, hiking her purse over her shoulder. “Thank you for walking me home and keeping the monsters at bay. Maybe you should think about becoming a bodyguard.”