Lost Dreams (19 page)

The waitress brought us the menu. They had their daily specials and the standard menu. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to order. I wanted something warm, but not a sandwich. Maybe a soup or pasta.  They offered lots of good food and their coffees were even better. I ordered one right away, I was thirsty and needed a caffeine boost.

Liam kept looking at me, which I found strange. I didn’t know what his game was, but it made me a little shyer than I usually was. We ordered our food and talked a little. I knew he had questions, and he was waiting to ask them. Not that I didn’t like to talk about it, but my main goal in life was to move on and the past kept coming back to haunt me.

''How old were you when you joined the Army?'' Liam finally asked. I knew this only represented the beginning of his questions.

''I was fresh out of high school.'' I wouldn't give him more information than necessary.

''When did you retire?'' His eyes were focused on mine, trying to gauge my reactions.

''A little over a year ago.''

He sighed. I knew I wasn’t making this easy for him. ''What made you decide to leave the Army after all those years?''

''I got caught in the middle of a bombing attack and got released shortly afterwards.''

He dropped his fork and stared at me even harder. I had rendered him speechless. Finally, he spoke again. ''Wow, I'll never be able to look at you the same way again. You were injured?''

''I was, but I'm all better now.'' Physically, at least. I needed to try and change the subject. ''What about you? What's your story?''

The look on his face was blank. ''My story is... um... ordinary, I guess.'' He paused. ''I had a wife and we divorced two years ago. We weren't able to conceive, so it became an issue between us.''

''I'm sorry about that. I'm sure it was a tough period for you as well.''

He laughed. ''A divorce is nothing to be proud of, it sucked really. She was my long-time girlfriend. We'd had a huge wedding, but we couldn't have babies. We tried everything.'' He sighed. ''She ended up waking up one Wednesday morning and she filed for divorce, while I was at work. That was it for her.''

''Do you still see her?'' I asked, out of curiosity.

''She's with someone else now, I heard he proposed and they're in the process of adopting.''

God! I felt bad for him. ''I don't know what to say.''

''There is nothing to say, really. I just want her to be happy. I hope she is.''

''Are you?''

''Most of the time, I am... like right now, for example.''

I knew what he meant, it had become clear that he was interested in me in a dating kind of way and my heart was just not there yet. I smiled at him, let it go, but I didn’t encourage him to pursue me. Liam was my boss, and a nice guy, I didn’t want to risk losing the first job I'd gotten outside of the Army.

On a different subject, the food was delicious. I ordered a piece of chocolate cake for dessert. I had spotted the cake as I walked by the dessert bar. It was chocolate cake with chocolate icing, and strawberries, dipped in chocolate, decorated the top. This dinner has me nervous with the small flirtations from Liam, so something a little sweet was exactly what I needed. Liam ordered a second round of coffee and got himself a piece of marble cheesecake.

After the second bite of cake, my cell phone rang.

''Hello?''

''Hey girl!''

''Soldier!''

''Where are you? I called home, but you didn’t pick up.''

''I’m at a restaurant with Liam, you remember, the owner of the daycare?''

''Like a date?'' he asked in a cold tone. I suddenly realized he was jealous,  that was why he didn’t like my new job.

''No, it's not like that.''

''Well, I'm going to let you go, then. Email me when you feel like it.'' He hung up. Never before had I heard Remy sound so mad. It made me anxious, and I despised the feeling of guilt I had.

I whispered a soft "See ya," knowing he wouldn’t hear it anyway, then turned back to Liam.  ''Sorry about that, my friend Remy is currently deployed overseas, he was checking up on me. He's like a big brother." My face flushed with embarrassment. Liam wanted to date me, I believed, and now, Remy was letting me know he was jealous and he obviously didn’t like me seeing someone else. At that point in time, I just wanted to go home and watch a girly movie to make me feel better, after relaxing in a warm bath. There was an email I needed to send, and I couldn’t think of the right words to say.

We stayed at the restaurant for a little over two hours. My opinion of Liam hadn’t changed, but I knew I had to keep everything on a professional level. I was in no state for dating and I didn’t want to hurt Remy's feelings. My mind was still really confused about what I should be feeling in regards to him. When it was time to say goodbye, I kissed Liam's cheek and wished him a good night. Tomorrow was a new day and we would be back into a normal work environment.

Relaxing in the warm perfumed water of the bath made me feel a whole lot better. There wasn't much I could do to reach Remy. I would love to be able to call him, because talking has always been so easy between us. It came naturally. Email remained the fastest way I had to reach him quickly. After my bath, I sat down to compose a note.

To: Jeremy Taylor

From: Avery Lewis

Date: 02/28/2008

Subject: Hey!

Remy,

I think I’m starting to understand the way you feel about me. There is a part of you which wants to protect me, there always has been, and there's a part of you which feels bad for me because of Carter's death. I'm starting to believe there's a part of you which might love me. Which is making it hard for you to accept it, when I'm with another man. At least, this is how I think you're feeling. So if you do feel something, you need to tell me.  We've always been honest with each other.

We can't always choose who we fall in love with, soldier.

Call me or email me.

Avery.

For the first time since I'd met him, over ten years ago, I was starting to understand something. Why the three of us always stayed together, but more importantly, the last weeks we'd spent together, when I'd catch Remy staring at me, his gentle touches, his soft kiss. It wasn’t entirely innocent, he felt something.

In fact, he felt everything and let it go, because he didn’t want me to know. My soul hurt and my heart was beating fast, much too fast. What was I going to do? I asked myself that question, hundreds of times and still I couldn’t figure out the answer. Being with him always felt great, everything about him was so good. I had felt something too, if I was being honest with myself, the last weeks together were different from our time together in the past.

I missed Carter and I couldn’t think of a single day in my life where I wouldn’t miss him, but Remy made me feel better. With an email, or a call, his words soothed me. I needed Remy.

I
failed to be honest to Ave and I was ninety-nine percent sure she knew. Avery was everything to me, she didn’t deserve to be lied to. It had been over two weeks since I received her email. I'd ignored it for three days and after a crappy day arguing with citizens over security, I figured if something happened to me, she would hate not having heard from me. The tension was building around here. Our mission was getting a little heat from the outside world.

My words to Avery were a bunch of lies. Never in the years that I've known her, would I have thought this was going to be possible. By 'this', I meant 'us'. Since the day Carter invited her on their first date, I'd accepted it and let them be together without objecting or even saying a word. Since Carter died and since I had that dream, I felt maybe I had a chance after all. Her email was clear, Avery was telling me nicely that she knew I had feelings for her and she was giving me the possibility to be honest with her. I refused to deal with the love part, because if I'm going to tell her that I love her, I’m not going to do it through a phone call or email.

I still had over a month left here, I had to be patient and pray everything was going to be alright on my return. I avoided calling her, because it just felt wrong, as if I was hiding a secret from her. Emails were a lot easier, but I slowed sending them down too, and she noticed.

My job here had gotten more stressful and I had to leave my love life to the side until my return. I couldn’t be distracted. The guys asked if I was doing okay, wondering if my struggles had gotten worst or the nightmares were increasing. There was no way for me to tell them I was distracted by my feelings for Carter's widow. They would have kicked my ass, or at the very least, yelled at me for being a prick. Thinking about Avery was wrong, in every possible way.

We were leaving in a convoy to make rounds and check everything was under control. Once we had driven in to the town, I got out of the truck with my gun at the ready, thinking it was very quiet. No kids were running around, no dogs were hanging around either. I didn’t like it and my job was to figure out what was happening. Patrick and William were following behind me.

I heard a child, screaming at the top of his lungs. It made me even more alert. I led the way into a narrow street, Patrick and William waited a few feet behind for my signals. I couldn’t see anyone, but it still didn’t feel right. Then I heard a loud noise and my body was thrown against the brick wall behind me. I heard multiple gunshots. I tried to get up but I was disorientated and fell back to the ground. Patrick reached me and lifted me onto his shoulder. Seconds later, my body was back in the truck. I felt pain, I just couldn’t say where it was emanating from. My whole body was trembling and I couldn't control it. Was I dying? I prayed to Carter, I prayed to God and I thought about Avery.

I heard orders being shouted across the convoy, and I heard Patrick begging me to keep my eyes open. My vision went from blurry, to bloody, bloody to black.

~~~*~~~

I
could see a fierce light through my eyelashes, it woke me up, but only after it had annoyed the fuck out of me. I groaned and heard voices, but nothing I could comprehend. I didn’t care, I felt like I had a really bad hangover and had vomited for ten hours straight. My whole upper body hurt and my head felt like it had been cracked open. I groaned some more, because the pain was unbearable. Sleep caught me swiftly, the nurse had probably injected me with some morphine.

Avery... I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I couldn’t say what I was thinking about, I could only see her in my mind. Her face and her angelic blonde hair. She made me feel better. No hints had been forthcoming on what had happened to me, exactly. They probably shot me, at least a couple of times.

~~~*~~~

M
y body seemed better, less painful and less tensed. My head still felt heavy, but the painful sensation was gone. I opened my eyes very carefully, it was dark and I had no idea where I was. I could hear relentless beeping from around my bed, and I knew I must be in a hospital. Hopefully in North Carolina. My back was stiff, but I tried to sit up anyway. How long had I been lying in a bed? I had no idea, but I needed to move. Maybe I could even walk a bit. I looked under the hospital gown and I saw a patch covering my left shoulder and damn, I had a tube coming out of my penis. Oh hell, no! I called for help. There was no way that thing was going to stay there, I wanted it out, right now. A nurse walked into the room in a hurry.

''Are you okay, sir?'' she asked, taking my vitals.

''Take that thing out, I need to go to the bathroom.''

''I'm sure, sir, however I don't think it's possible to remove it before I get approval from the doctor.''

I sighed impatiently. ''Get me the doctor now, please.''

My patience was running out, I needed to get up and walk. My body was aching, but there was no way I could move with that tube stuck in there.

''The doctor will be here in a minute,'' she said in an apologetic voice. ''Your vitals are good, sir.''

''Where am I?'' I asked.

‘‘You’re at the medical center in Fort Bragg, you were transferred three days ago.''

Thank you God, I was home. What about Patrick and the others, were they safe? Did Avery know I was here? I had so many questions.

The nurse left before I had a chance to ask them. The doctor was coming, right? I was on the verge of crying, like a fucking moron. My mind was in panic mode because I didn’t know what had happened in Afghanistan. I feared my buddies had gotten hurt and I was sorry for creating another traumatizing event in Avery's life.

''Mr. Taylor, I'm Doctor Sylvia Nguyen. How are you feeling?''

''Please remove the tube from my penis, I need to stand up.''

She took my wrist and checked my pulse. ''Do you feel strong enough to walk, you've been on bed rest for over five days now.''

I laughed. ''I've seen and been through a lot worse, Doctor. Just get that thing out.''

She nodded and called in the nurse to remove the tube. Fuck, it stung at first, but I felt a lot better as soon as it was out.

''What are my injuries, Doctor?''

''You were shot through the shoulder, and a bullet scraped your skull. You lost a lot of blood but overall, you were very lucky.''

It hit me suddenly, I could have died. My guardian angel had protected me that day. ''Can I try to stand up now?''

The doctor was a small woman, but she was strong. She held my arms and helped me up. I felt dizzy at first, but I regained control and walked a few steps. I looked outside the room, there was a clock on the wall, which showed 8pm. Maybe I could try to call Avery. The doctor walked me to a restroom and closed the door behind me. I wanted to try to pee, and for the first time in years, I sat on the throne to do it. I laughed at myself in embarrassment. There was a bar screwed to the wall, which helped me get back on my feet. I turned and looked at myself in the mirror. Half of my hair was shaved off and my eyes were dark and tired. My face and body both looked like fucking hell, as if I'd aged thirty years in the past week. My weight had dropped drastically, I could tell. My reflection scared me, I had never looked so bad. The doctor knocked on the door and insisted I return to bed. She was right, my body had started to tremble by the time I was halfway back to the room. The nurse helped me into bed and made sure my body stayed warm under the blankets. The nurse and doctor changed the bandage on my shoulder and the view of the wound made me sick and gave me chills.