Lost Soul (17 page)

Jessica’s fingers slowly worked their way down his torso, stopping to trace the line of each muscle, till they hovered over his waistband.
 
Michael gulped and he froze as she deftly unclasped his belt buckle.
 
She stopped when she realized he had frozen and gazed questioningly into his eyes.

“Is this okay?” she asked, breathlessly, her voice barely a whisper.

Michael nodded, too overwhelmed to speak.

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Michael lay in Jessica’s bed, staring at the ray of sun shining on her bare back, feeling heart-wrenchingly blissful and wonderful and guilty and terrified all at the same time.
 
Her hair was splayed across his arm and he caressed a lock between his fingers, marveling at her beauty.
 
How could someone so perfect be his?
 
He wondered, then laughed at his own foolishness.

She wasn’t his.
 
She never had been.
 
His desire for her had been his downfall from the very beginning.
 
From the very first moment he saw her he had been entranced by her.
 
He imagined how different his life would’ve been if he had never laid eyes on her that day in the garden when she was just an infant.
 
But the blame still landed squarely on him.
 
Her only offense was her existence, for she had done nothing to provoke his obsession with her.
 
She had no idea who he even was until last night!

Michael rubbed his face with his hands, trying to scrub away the anguish.
 
Their night together had been perfect, the most wonderful thing he had ever experienced.
 
He wanted to take her in his arms and make love to her over and over again, every day for the rest of their lives.
 
He wanted to buy a fancy ring and get down on one knee and promise to love her forever, because he knew it was true.
 
No matter how far away he went, no matter how many years went by, his heart would always belong to Jessica, and no heavenly duty could ever negate that.

But he was an angel, not a human, and he didn’t have a heart — not really.
 
This body was no more real than the life story he had conjured up for himself.
 
His kind wasn’t meant to interact with humans, only protect them, and his sense of duty was an overwhelming echo in the depths of his soul.
 
Even the joy of being with Jessica couldn’t block out its call.

Guilt over abandoning Maxwell tinged his happiness with a cloud of gray that grew darker by the moment.
 
Fall’s glowering stare wasn’t helping matters.
 
What if Maxwell had been in an accident last night, driving back to the motel?
 
It was only a few blocks, but Maxwell had been drinking for hours.
 
What if he made it back but then passed out in the room and choked on his own vomit?
 
What if he fell in the bathroom and cracked his skull on the side of the tub?
 
A million possibilities marched through Michael’s mind, each more horrifying than the last.
 
Eventually the terror drove him from the bed.

Michael was scurrying to put on his clothes when Jessica awoke and wandered out to the living room.
 
She was stark naked and innocently unashamed.
 
Michael’s eyes burned with lust over her feminine curves and he longed to take her in his arms and drag her back to the bedroom.
 
She saw the desire in his eyes and smiled, but her gaze quickly dropped to his waist where he was buttoning his pants.
 
The hurt in her eyes when she lifted her head tore a hole in his soul.
 
How on earth could he ever leave her?
 
How in the world could he possibly stay?
 
The dichotomy rent his heart in two.

“Jessica,” he said, reaching out and pulling her close.
 
Her eyes gazed up at him in sad acceptance.
 
“Last night was the best night of my entire life, and I would give anything to stay here with you…,” he started.

“But you can’t,” she finished, a small smile pulled up one side of her mouth.
 
“I know, Michael.
 
You told me last night you had somewhere you had to be.
 
I get it.
 
I wasn’t expecting anything else.”
 
She tried to act nonchalant, but Michael could see the hurt in her eyes.
 
It strangled his heart to realize last night had been special for her, too.
 
He wondered briefly how many men she had been with, but he couldn’t let himself dwell on it.
 
She didn’t belong to him, he kept telling himself.

With one last passionate kiss, Michael said goodbye and walked out on the love of his life.
 
He didn’t dare look back to see if she was watching as he drove away.

chapter fifteen

Jessica was standing at her locker, digging for a hair band when the realization hit her.
 
One minute she was looking for something to tie back the hair she had just had to rinse her own vomit out of and the next moment her whole world was collapsing.
 
It was seeing the box of tampons that had sat on her locker shelf unopened for more than a month that made her finally realize she was pregnant.
 
Jessica slumped to the ground as she thought back on the last few weeks.
 
Her breasts had felt sore the morning of Memorial Day, so she brought the box to work that day thinking her period might be on its way.
 
She remembered seeing a few spots on her pantyliner later on, but never enough to motivate her to open the box.
 
Now, here it was July 4th, one of their busiest days, and she was forcing herself to keep working even though she had puked up her breakfast for the second day in a row.
 
She wasn’t coming down with the flu in the middle of summer like she had originally thought.
 
No, she was pregnant with Michael’s baby.

Jessica’s heart wrenched at the thought of her first and only lover and she coughed out a laugh at the irony of it all.
 
Her parents had always told her to save herself for marriage, to hold out for her one true love, and for years she had done just that.
 
It had been easy to ignore the clumsy advances of the high school boys who flirted with her.
 
She knew none of them were looking for their soulmate, only a good time.
 
Away from the watchful eyes of her parents, she might’ve taken a lover in college if she had ever met anyone she truly cared about, but she was more interested in partying than she was in finding love.
 
After that, she was too busy trying to put her life back together to worry about dating.
 
Besides, none of the drunk and belligerent men she waited on night after night ever appealed to her.
 
All they noticed was her nice body, no one ever cared about who she was inside.
 
That was, until Michael.

Jessica knew Michael was different from the very first moment, and it was the way he didn’t try to flirt with her that drew her in.
 
She still remembered how he got her to open up to him from their very first conversation.
 
How they had shared their darkest secrets with each other in an encounter that ended in unbridled passion.
 
If anyone was worth giving her most precious gift to, it was Michael she still believed, but Michael was the worst choice of all.
 
It didn’t matter how wonderful of a man he was or if he had everything she was looking for in her one true love, because Michael wasn’t here and never would be.
 
The worst part was, she knew that from the very beginning.
 
The first thing he told her about himself was that he was just passing through.
 
So why on earth had she let herself fall for him immediately?
 
And what was she thinking bringing him into her bed?

Jessica’s cheeks warmed at the memory of their night together and she couldn’t bring herself to regret the decisions she had made.
 
She still thought of him almost every night.
 
Still remembered his boyish smile and his anything-but-boyish body cuddled up next to hers.
 
She longed for the feel of his hair running through her fingers and his tight muscles pulsating under her caress.
 
The fantasy only lasted for a moment, though, before reality intervened.

“Hey, Jess, you okay?
 
You look kinda green,” her coworker Becca said, poking her head into the office where Jessica’s life was currently unravelling.
 

“Uh, yeah, I’ll be fine, just feeling a little sick today.
 
It’ll pass.”
 
Jessica forced a smile and dragged herself up off the floor.
 
She didn’t have time to think this through right now, but she was pretty sure that news of her pregnancy would not go over well with her boss.

She forced herself to smile and flirt through the rest of her shift, only rushing to the bathroom once to vomit up the contents of her practically empty stomach, but after work she barely made it to her car before she began to cry.

Fat tears rolled down her cheeks as she sobbed and she let herself bawl till her emotions were spent.
 
How had she managed to screw up her life so completely in such a short amount of time?
 
Barely two years ago she was a fresh, vibrant high school graduate with the whole world at her feet and now she was a pregnant college dropout waitressing in what was little more than a strip club.
 
Her parents had kicked her out, the father of her baby was MIA, she could barely afford her own rent, and her job depended on looking good half-naked.
 
What in the world was she going to do?

The worst part was, she could imagine nothing sweeter than holding her infant child in her arms while she rocked him to sleep.
 
She had always hoped to be a mother someday, but that dream always included a father and husband, maybe a house in the suburbs like the one she had grown up in, and her staying home to care for her little family.
 
She couldn’t even imagine what life would be like if she tried to raise this baby now, in her situation.
 
It was like a cruel joke that the world was playing on her, teasing her with all the things she had ever wanted then ripping them away.

She couldn’t raise a baby on a waitress’ salary, and even if she could, how could she keep her job once they found out she was pregnant?
 
There was no way her parents would ever take her in now and she was too embarrassed to even tell them.
 
If only Michael were here, she wished.
 
She knew he would do right by her and the baby.
 
Her fantasy returned, unbidden, this time with Michael by her side.
 
That most pathetic part was, she had no way to even contact him.
 
She didn’t even know his last name!
 
She marveled at her own naivety.
 
How could she be so stupid?

When her tears had dried under the heat of her anger, she wiped the mascara from under her eyes and forced herself to drive home.
 
She stopped at the pharmacy on the way and picked up the pregnancy test she was pretty sure would only confirm what she had already deduced.
 
A few minutes later, two pink lines sealed her fate.

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Less than a week later, Jessica once again found herself sitting in her car, crying her eyes out.
 
She had made up her mind days ago after agonizing over all the choices, none of which were the least bit acceptable.
 
She could have the baby, which was impossible, because she could never afford it.
 
She could carry the baby to term then give it up for adoption, which was impractical, because she would lose her job as soon as she started to show.
 
Or she could abort the baby, which was unfathomable, because the baby represented everything she had always wanted but now could never have.
 
There was no right choice, only pain and heartache no matter what decision she made, so she made the choice she thought would be the easiest, but her current state of mind was proving it was anything but.

Her appointment was in five minutes, so Jessica forced herself to get control and put on a brave face.
 
She wiped her eyes and powdered her nose and tried to smile, but it came out looking like a scowl, so she settled for a blank look instead.
 
Her eyes were red and puffy from all the crying, but there wasn’t much she could do about that.
 
She let her hair fall in front of her face and tried to act nonchalant as she made her way into the clinic where a doctor was waiting to rip out her dreams.

A little while later, Jessica emerged from the clinic.
 
She should be happy, she thought.
 
No more baby, no more problem.
 
So why did she feel like she had just made everything worse?