Lost to You (10 page)

Everything had been great for the last couple of months. Perfect, really. We spent so much time together, I’d almost become accustomed to the physical ache she left burning inside me. I pretended it didn’t build, that each time I opened the door to find Elizabeth’s face smiling up at me in my doorway, I didn’t come one step closer to snapping, to taking her and living out every single one of the fantasies that played through my mind at night. In them, I’d had her everywhere, in my bed, the shower, the floor, time and time again on my couch where she sat and unwittingly teased and taunted me night after night.

Tonight was proof of just how close I was coming to the edge.

“They finally got her out of the car, and this girl was standing there, stumbling all over the place in these slutty heels,” Kenny continued on.

Why was I here again? Listening to this? Usually, I liked to be here, to unwind, to listen to trivial stories that meant nothing.

But with Elizabeth here, it felt like a weakness, a fool’s waste of time.

Glancing back out the entryway, my eyes traveled the crowd. Elizabeth had only been gone a couple seconds, but I couldn’t shake the nagging thoughts telling me I shouldn’t have let her out of my sight. It was stupid to bring her here, but there was no way I could sit in the confines of my apartment after listening to my father’s bullshit. I was sick of it. I thought maybe once I moved out and started my own life, my father would let up and let go. But he was just as overbearing as he’d been since I was a little boy. A tyrant who expected only the best, something he made quite clear I didn’t have a chance of living up to.

Plus, I’d already committed to coming here, but I couldn’t stomach the idea of leaving Elizabeth alone in front of her building tonight. Somehow when she was around, I felt...
better
. I needed her.

Tom appeared at my side, clapping me on the shoulder. The guy was trashed, which was no surprise. I smirked at him. “What’s up?”

“So you finally let Elizabeth out to play.” He cocked his head to the side in the direction where Elizabeth had disappeared. “Now I get why you’ve been hiding from us the last couple of months...or where you’ve been hiding. That shit is hot.”

A swell of protectiveness broke over me. My fists curled, but I forced the reaction down. “It’s not like that.”

“So you wouldn’t mind if I went for her?”

“Yeah, I’d fucking mind. She’s my best friend. Do you think I’m going to let some asshole like you touch her?”

Tom laughed, not for a second offended.

“Your best friend, huh? Thought that was my title.” His eyes gleamed as he razzed me, a clear insinuation he’d been hinting at for months, one I’d continually denied.

“Quit being a dick.” I shrugged it off. “We’re just friends.”

As I said it, I lifted up on my toes, straining to see over the heads littering the room. Anxiety knocked at my ribs. Where the hell was she? If one of these losers even thought about messing with her, I was going to lose it. I rushed an uneasy hand through my hair, hoping for calm. Stupid. Reckless to bring her here.

I looked back at Tom who was staring at me with straight-out disbelief. Then he cracked up, loud and raucous. “You, my friend, are completely fucked. You might as well give it up because I don’t believe a word you’re saying. Pretty sure you don’t, either.”

He was still laughing when he walked away.

I made the conscious decision to ignore him and the implications of his words. I moved into the main room and leaned against the wall so I could watch for Elizabeth. As always, the room was dimmed, Sam’s apartment primed for the perfect party. Loud music pounded in my ears, the feel chaotic as bodies moved. Fuzziness eddied around my vision, and with both palms, I scrubbed my face to clear it, wishing I’d thought better than to have drunk so much with Elizabeth being here tonight.

Disquiet gripped me tight. I couldn’t help it. She was here with me. My responsibility. It was more than that, though. The thought of anyone looking at her, let alone touching her, sent a swirl of nausea thrashing through my already raw stomach. But how could I claim her when I didn’t even trust myself with her? I mean, I cared about her. A lot. The problem was, I knew myself too well, the fleeting interest that passed just as quickly as it came. I refused to lose my best friend to my own stupidity and selfishness.

But God, this was getting unbearable.

A hand wrapped around my wrist before a hot body flattened against my side. “There you are.” Locks of dark brown hair obstructed my view, pushed into my space. Every weekend, it was the same.

I shook my head, irritated. “What do you want, Rachel?”

She pouted before she stretched up on her toes to whisper in my ear. “You.”

Jerking my head back, I glared at her, unable to fathom how one girl could be so clueless. “Haven’t I turned you down enough?”

She ran a single fingertip down the length of my face.

I recoiled.

“One of these days, you’ll be begging me.”

That wasn’t going to happen. She had to be the most disgusting slut I knew. A few months ago, I might not have minded. Maybe. Even then, I had some discretion. But now... Not a chance. Just the thought of her touching me had my skin crawling.

“The only thing I’m begging you for is to leave me alone.”

“Whatever...your loss.”

Rachel walked away, still looking at me over her shoulder, like somehow the exaggerated sway of her hips would send me chasing after her. She blended in with the mob, lost in the jumble.

With her out of the way, my attention jumped from one person to the next, searching for the only face I wanted to see. A tremor of agitation rolled through my muscles. I flexed my fists and shook it off.

Shouldn’t she be out by now?

I couldn’t tell how much time had passed, and again, I wished I’d been wiser and not drunk so much. Really, I wished I wouldn’t have brought her with me at all.

Elizabeth didn’t belong here.

She was too good...too pure.

Unable to wait any longer, I weaved through the room, ignoring everyone who tried to talk to me as I headed down the hallway. The bathroom door was closed. I jingled the knob. When I found it locked, I pounded on the bathroom door. “Elizabeth? Are you in there?” I shouted against the wood, listening for movement inside.

A female voice yelled back, “Not Elizabeth. It’s Kim.”

“Shit,” I mumbled under my breath. Pulling back, I looked to the opposite end of the hall to the single bedroom I knew would be locked. That was the one place in Sam’s apartment that was off limits. She had to have slipped by me, probably had some guy salivating all over her when she got back and didn’t find me there.

I found Sam standing at the end of the hall, talking with Max. I tapped him on the shoulder, asked, “Hey, have you seen Elizabeth?” when he spun around to look at me. The frantic way the question fell from my mouth did nothing to counter the earlier assertion he’d made.

He drew his brow together and shrugged. “Nah, man, I haven’t seen her since before I talked to you.”

My frenzied gaze probed the room again, my hands shaking as I dragged them both through my hair.

Max laughed beside me. “You shouldn’t have let that one out of your sight.”

I speared him to the floor with my eyes. He visibly shrank back without moving an inch, his tone shifting. “She was looking for you about five minutes ago.”

Shoving through the bodies, I searched, something akin to fear pulsing through my veins. I didn’t understand it—the tightness in my chest, this gripping worry tangling with the desire Elizabeth had left me with when she walked away. The room felt too confined, and I forced my way through the crowd, every second spurring something higher in me.

Faces glared at me in irritation. I had to find her, but Elizabeth was nowhere in the living room. The kitchen was jammed with people, all except the one I was so desperate to find.

Frustration bubbled up. I wanted to scream.

Fuck.

I dug into my pocket to find my phone to call her. The little red light flashed.

I opened it to a message from Elizabeth.

Sorry. Tired. Will CU later.

The worry I felt transformed and lifted, a throb of anger forming a lump in my throat.

What the hell?

She just left. Without saying a word.

Why would she do this to me? Did she have any idea how fucking worried I was about her?

I dialed, but it went straight to voicemail, her phone deadened. That only managed to piss me off more.

Pushing through the crowd and out the door, I stumbled into the empty hallway. I glanced at the illuminated lights on the elevator. The car was higher in the building. Unwilling to wait, I took stairs, propelled by anger and confusion, all wrapped up in a cloak of anxiety that something might happen to Elizabeth as she walked home by herself.

What was she thinking?

In all the months Elizabeth and I had hung out, she’d never once pulled anything like this. Reliable. Thoughtful. That was Elizabeth. But what? She was fucking tired so she walked home by herself in the middle of the night? Without telling me first?

Cold air jolted my senses as I stepped outside. Crowds still coursed the sidewalk. Couples roamed, and groups headed to wherever they were going that night.

But there was no sign of Elizabeth.

I ran, wound around them and toward Elizabeth’s place. I was panting by the time I stood outside her building. Pausing for a split second, I glanced up to the second floor and saw her light blazing through her window.

She was here.

Flinging open the building door, I barreled up the stairs. Anger ebbed out the worry, and I pounded on her door. I shuffled my feet impatiently, knocked again when she didn’t answer after a couple of seconds.

Finally, movement stirred on the other side of the door, and I could feel her peering out at me from the peephole. Metal slid as she released the lock, and Elizabeth cracked open the door. Confusion and sadness saturated the visible half of her face.

I bit back the urge to yell at her and forced down the anger when I saw the affliction twisting up the corner of her mouth.

I blinked, trying to make sense of what had happened in the span of ten minutes.

“Elizabeth.” It was a plea.
What did I do?
Because I knew she wouldn’t have left without saying goodbye simply because she was tired.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, averting her timid gaze to the ground.

“What do you mean, what am I doing here? I was worried about you.”

I nudged the door open. Elizabeth staggered back a couple of feet, everything about her beaten down. Blonde waves fell around her face. My fingers twitched, wishing to push it back, to force her to look at me.

“What happened?”

“I just...” She shook her head as she slowly lifted her eyes to find mine. Sadness pooled in the depths. “I don’t know anymore, Christian.”

That feeling washed over me again, something that resembled pain, something foreign that made it hard to breathe. I stepped forward, dipping my head to capture her attention. I couldn’t stand for her to look away from me. “Did I do something wrong?”

Cold, quiet laughter rumbled from her throat. “No, Christian.” She raised both shoulders before she dropped them in defeat. “I felt out of place there, okay? I’m sorry I just took off, but I don’t fit into that world, and I guess I didn’t really feel comfortable seeing you in it, either.”

I pushed a strained breath from my lungs. The sound hung in the air between us. “I’m sorry, Elizabeth. I shouldn’t have taken you there.” Her discomfort had been obvious, the way she continually fidgeted, her shy eyes downcast as she stood beside me. Maybe it’d been selfish of me because I’d only been concerned about how good it felt having her standing by my side, that having her there had given me a valid excuse to relish in her soft skin against mine. Maybe I liked the way all the girls looked on her with envy. Maybe for a few minutes, I liked pretending we were more than what we really were. Pretending was safe. “I just wanted to hang out with you.”

Elizabeth shrugged like it didn’t matter and turned back to whatever she was cooking on the stove. She’d taken off her boots and jeans and had changed into these tight little gray leggings that showed off every perfect curve of her body. Barefoot, she stirred the pot, stirring something inside of me. I probably should have tried to stop them, but my thoughts went straight back to earlier, to how good her simple touch had felt. The burn. I suppressed a groan. God, why did she have this effect on me? She was my best friend, and all I wanted to do right then was bury myself inside her. For hours. Again and again.

I pushed down the unwelcomed lust. Now was not the time for it. Instead, I waited for the response I could feel Elizabeth working up to.

Slowly, she rocked while I watched her from behind. One hand gripped the pot handle while she gentled the spoon through the soup with the other, her head tilted to one side. My gaze traveled the flawless span of her body. Swallowing, she straightened, her hair swishing across her back. She released an audible sound of distress, and she seemed to have to force her voice through it. “Didn’t you want to stay there?”